


Sanctuary

by Shallw3run



Series: After the Fallout [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Depression, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Minor Angst, Minor canon divergence, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Such a slow burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-07-15 21:03:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 132,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7238410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shallw3run/pseuds/Shallw3run
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why do I keep letting you drag me all over the Commonwealth!?” MacCready cried into the void that was the Glowing Sea. I laughed, despite his unabashed irritation with me.</p><p>“When are you just gonna admit you like me, MacCready?”</p><p>“Never, Violet, never, because that’s clearly not the reason.”</p><p>I gave him a sickly sweet smile, putting my hands on my hips and said, “I think maybe you care about me.”</p><p>“It’s definitely not that.”</p><p>“Then maybe it’s because I’m paying you?”</p><p>He snapped his fingers, pointing at me. “There it is.”</p><p>There was a beat of silence.</p><p>“And maybe also because you like me a little bit.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're the Northern Wind

_“No, you can’t have him! You can’t take Shaun! You can’t take my baby!”_

_BANG._

_“Nate!”_

My eyes cracked open and I gasped, my hands flying up, palms slapping against cold glass. There was an alarming beeping sound that grated on my surprised nerves. It took me a moment to register why I was upright, why I appeared to be locked in a chilled pod of metal and glass. I was in a cryogenic tube. A bomb had gone off and Nate, Shaun and I had sought refuge within a fallout shelter.

My breath came in shaking bursts and I scanned the small area frantically, searching for an exit latch. I had to talk to Nate, had to find out what was going on. If I was unfrozen, did that mean it was safe? Were we decontaminated?

Gritting my teeth, I shoved as hard as my cold arms could manage, the door opening with a hiss. I collapsed to the concrete floor, my knees aching in protest, barely catching myself before my face met with the ground. I threw my head up, my red hair falling over my left eye. Nate was barely visible behind the clouded glass of the cryo tube. At the blurred sight of him my heart fluttered. Although it had probably only been a couple of hours it felt like I hadn’t seen my husband in a hundred years.

I scrambled to my feet, pressing myself to the glass. The added closeness didn’t do much to help me make out anything inside, but I could have sworn I couldn’t see Shaun -our son- bundled in his arms. I glanced to the side, noticing a large, red lever on a console beside the tube. I wrenched it down, hoping it’s purpose was actually to open the pods and not lock them permanently or something equally as horrifying.

As the seal popped with another hiss, my mind began to wonder why I’d been thawed out and Nate had not. Or why hadn’t a scientist been here to greet me? If I was clean, wouldn’t they have come to collect us?

The door slid open and I moved back in front of the cryo tube, grinning.

The moment I laid my eyes on Nate, my smile fell away like the stones of a crumbling wall. I wasn’t wrong when I’d thought I couldn’t see Shaun in Nate’s arms. Shaun, my son, my baby, was nowhere to be seen. Nate’s arms were at his side, his body frozen in an awkward slump, dried blood staining the front of his blue jumpsuit.

That was when it all hit me.

This wasn’t the first time I’d woken up. A man and a woman had appeared outside my tube, one a scientist and one bald, rough looking, with a scar down his face. A mercenary, maybe. They’d tried to take Shaun away… and Nate had fought back, tried to protect our son. The man had pulled the trigger without hesitation, murdering my husband.

And I’d watched the whole thing, locked behind a wall of glass. I’d watched helplessly as my son was kidnapped and my husband was shot in the chest.

Tears sprung up in my eyes, instantly dripping down my cheeks. My mind was at war, unsure of whether to mourn the loss of my son or the murder of my husband. I dropped to my knees, burying my face in my hands, sobbing violently. Everything, my whole life, it was all gone. My home had been destroyed, the _whole_ world above, obliterated. I had no house, no family.

My head snapped up as my earlier questions returned. Where were the scientists? The other vault residents? How had they let this happen?

With trembling hands I wrapped my fingers around Nates lifeless, frozen fingers. The cool metal of his wedding band was like a knife to my heart and it took all my strength not to collapse in on myself again. I needed answers. I needed justice.

I gently slid the ring off of his finger, closing my fist around it and gazing up at the lifeless body of my husband.

“Oh, Nate.”

I reached out, touching his face, a look of pain, of defeat, still contorting it. I didn’t want this to be my last memory of my husband, but I had no option, no way to change what had been done who knows how long ago. This was all I had left of the man I married four years ago.

I stepped back, giving him one more wistful glance before I headed to the exit of the long room. I tucked his wedding ring into my pocket, passing by the rest of the cryo tubes. I noticed everyone in there was like Nate, frosted with ice in a way that didn’t quite seem right. It was unnerving, and it made panic claw up from my stomach. Straying from the direction of the exit door, I pulled down the lever beside another cryo tube, the door sliding open.

Like Nate, the woman inside was perfectly still, frozen, her arms at her side. But unlike Nate, there was no blood on her, no sign any harm had come to her. And yet, she appeared to be just as lifeless as my husband. Why didn’t she thaw out like me? Why hadn’t anyone woken up like me?

Something was horribly wrong.

My breath started to come out in fast huffs, my dread kicking up a few notches as I came to the realization that everyone in this room was dead. How? How had they all died? Why was I alive?  
I ran to the exit door, hitting the button on the right, and stumbling out into the hallway. There was still no one to be seen, no one to guide me, explain to me what was happening. Was this a test? A nightmare to cope with what had happened to Nate? Was I still frozen?

As I wheeled around a corner, I heard skittering echo off the walls, my eyes snapping a few feet away from me where what looked like a giant cockroach moved towards me. I shrieked, stumbling back as it leapt at me, landing at my feet. Reflexively, I stomped on it’s head, a sickening squelch and crunch reaching my ears.

“Jesus,” I said, pulling my foot out of it’s crushed head, yellow guts clinging to my shoe. I dry heaved, covering my mouth, and then continued down the hall. What the hell was that?

I came across a few more as I went, dispatching them in a similar manner to the first. As I progressed through the vault, I found an abundance of bullet packs, canned food, and stimpaks. What I was yet to find was another human.

It took me about ten minutes to discover a room with a sign that people other than myself had been in this vault. It was a skeleton bent over a desk, a pistol curled in the bones of his hand. In front of him was a terminal, the screen cracked, the insides exposed. My stomach clenched as the mystery behind this vault only amplified.

I couldn’t take anymore, the isolation, the cockroaches, the skeleton and the broken cryo tubes were all too much.

“Hello!?” I yelled, clutching the pistol tightly in my sweating hands. “ _Hello!?_ Am I the only one alive!?”

My voice was absorbed by the dense, concrete walls and I stood there in the silence, my heart pounding. I suppose that was my answer; the complete absence of sound other than my strained breathing. “Goddammit!”

The next time I came across one of the roaches, I took it out with my gun, missing the first few shots before blowing out it’s back. I found more skeletons as I went, some scientists, a few stray ones in vault suits like me. Why were they all skeletons? They were completely decomposed. How long had I been frozen?

It felt like years when I discovered the exit, the elevator I’d come down what felt like yesterday. Lying on the ground was another skeleton, a pipboy around their unattached wrist. Feeling dirty, I slid it off of the bones, placing it around my own wrist.

I didn’t know what was waiting for me outside, but I knew that I needed to be prepared. I activated the exit, absently watching it roll to the side like a giant cog in a machine. It felt as if I were seeing everything through the foggy glass of the cryogenic tube. My shock made me distant, dulled my senses, my mind screaming, drowning out everything around me.

Once the door was open and the bridge was extended, I hurried into the elevator. As I ascended, I tried to sharpen my dull wits, tried to ready myself for whatever was above.

“Come on, get it together,” I said, fiddling absently with the trigger of the gun at my side.

The hatch above me began to open with an ancient grinding sound, as if it caused it pain to move. Sunlight broke through and I raised my arm, squinting at the golden rays. I reached the top, my eyes still struggling to adjust to the natural lighting of the world.

The trees I’d remembered that surrounded the hilltop were grey, dry and bare. The ground that once was covered in a carpet of green grass was cracked, a few skeletal finger tips of dead grass stalks breaking through the earth. I looked around, making sure there was no immediate danger at the top of the desolate hill. Below I could see the dilapidated houses in the suburb Nate and I had moved into two and a half years ago… at least, that’s how long it had been before I was frozen. How long had it been now?

Swallowing my fear, my uncertainty, and the swelling need for vengeance in my chest, I rushed down the path, my mind on my home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title's are from the song 'Northern Wind' by City an Colour. Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Also, this story was finished a while ago so every now and then I come back and edit mistakes... but a lot of them are still there... so I'm sorry...


	2. Sending shivers down my spine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks to everyone who's given kudos and just bothered to check this story out! This chapter... I don't love it, but I feel like I just need to get over it and post it. The story isn't always going to be as dark as this, it's going to get a lot lighter, but it will also get even darker sometimes. Sooooo... prepare for that. I edited and posted this chapter on a crappy chromebook that I'm not great with so I'll reread it again later today and check for any issues. Anyway, sorry for the long post! I'm new to site so hopefully I get the hang of it. Enjoy! The next chapter should be better haha!

_“Oops. Ha ha ha. No, no. Little fingers away. There we go. Just say it. Right there. Right there. Go ahead.” There’s a pause, and then Shaun giggles. “Ha ha! Yay! Hi honey. Listen… I don’t think Shaun and I need to tell you how great of a mother you are… but we’re going to anyway. You are kind, you are loving,” Shaun laughs again. “And funny, ha ha. That’s right. And patient. So patient. Patience of a saint, as your mother used to say. Look, with Shaun and us all being at home together… it’s been an amazing year. But even so, I know our best days are yet to come. There will be changes, sure. Things we’ll need to adjust to. I’ll rejoin the civilian workforce, you’ll go back to writing your book… but everything we do, no matter how hard… we do it for our family. Now say goodbye, Shaun… Bye bye? Say bye bye? Bye Honey! We love you.”_

“Why do you keep listening to it?” Piper murmured.

She was standing in the doorway of my office. I was hunched over my desk, my pipboy face up on the wood, lighting the dark room with a soft green glow.

It took me a month to find the man with the scar. His name was Kellogg and he was apparently a gun for hire, like I’d thought. After helping Preston Garvey, a man in the museum down the street from my home by killing the raiders surrounding the building, he’d directed me to diamond city, the largest and most put together human settlement, as far as I could tell.

With the help of Piper, a reporter from Diamond City, and Nick Valentine, a private detective who was a robot- or rather, a synth- I discovered Kellogg's location.

When I wasn’t tearing apart the commonwealth for clues, I was back in Sanctuary Hills. I’d moved into my old house, despite the emotional heartache it caused me to see the bare walls. The crib. Nate and I’s wedding photo in it’s cracked frame on a shelf in the living room. I’d converted my bedroom into an office, an old, worn mattress on the floor against a wall where I slept when I wasn’t out in the wasteland.

This past month had felt like the longest of my life. Every morning when I woke up on my stained, lumpy mattress I would remember Nate. I would remember Shaun lying in my arms, his brown eyes wide and curious. It was as if there was a hole in my chest- a piece of myself missing.

I knew that it wouldn’t be filled until I found Shaun again.

“I… I don’t know… so I stay mad, I guess.”

That wasn’t the whole answer, though. It was also so I didn’t forget his voice. So that at night, when the grief was too much and I couldn’t sleep, I could imagine Nate singing a lullabye quietly in my ear. _Violet, my love,_ he’d murmur.

“Blue,” Piper said, crossing the room, putting a hand on my shoulder. “I understand how that is. You want to keep fueling that fire, because otherwise you think it means you’ve given up. That you’ve let Nate and Shaun down. But trust me, letting yourself heal isn’t a betrayal.”

“I know,” I said, looking up at her and offering a weak smile. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

She didn’t say anything and the concerned expression on her face didn’t alter or fade. I stood, clipping my pipboy back on my wrist. “Kicking Kellogg's scarred ass will help.”

It took us half a day to reach Fort Hagen, where Kellogg was currently hiding out. Not wanting to take Piper away from her little sister, Nat, I opted to have Nick and Dogmeat join me, though when we arrived I had my canine companion wait outside.

The interior of the building was full of synths that Nick and I had no trouble fighting off. I was grateful for them being an early generation, clearly without a conscience or a sense of self. At this point I’d lost track of how many raiders I’d killed, but each time I’d pulled the trigger was burned into my memory. I’d dream of gunshots and nothing else sometimes.

I missed the world I’d lived in where killing wasn’t a necessity. Of course, we had been at war. Soldiers like Nate were forced to kill everyday. I just never wanted to be one of them.

Ten minutes into our search, the speakers above us whined, a voice coming through. It was male, and it laughed bitterly, bring us to a halt. I craned my neck up, staring at the ceiling.

“Well, I’ll be damned. It’s the mother.”

“Kellogg!?” I said reflexively.

I gripped my gun tighter, baring my teeth, fresh fury rolling through my body like a tidal wave. I hadn’t realized how deeply it would affect me to hear his voice again. My mind flashed back to the cryo tube, Kellogg leaning towards the glass and smirking at me. _At least we have a back up._

“Never expected you to come knocking on my door. Gave you fifty/fifty odds of making it out of Diamond City. After that? Figured the Commonwealth would chew you up like jerky.”

“Where the fuck are you!?”

“Kid, calm down,” Nick said. Though there was sympathy in his voice, his worn face held the same lack of emotion as it always did. I let out a breath through my teeth, pushing forward.

We continued to come across synths, some of them referring to Kellogg as the ‘asset’. Every time I heard his name I just got angrier and angrier. After blasting through a countless amount of synths, Kellogg spoke again.

“It’s not too late. Stop. Turn around and leave. You have that option. Not a lot of people can say that.”

“He’s just baiting you, ignore him. You know what you came here for.”

“I know. I know.”

We pressed on and after about fifteen minutes and breaking through another terminal, we came to a round room with two hospital beds, a flag, a large cabinet, and a few tables with a variety of medical supplies on top. Like the rest of the fort so far, this room was in complete disarray, covered in dust and debris. I collected the stimpaks, about to say something to Nick when I was cut off.

“Okay, you made it. I’m just up ahead. My synths are standing down. Let’s talk.”

My stomach churned, my temperature spiked and my vision swelled. I’d been preparing for this moment since I woke up in the vault and yet I still felt like the soft housewife I’d been before the bombs fell.

Nick and I hurried through a hallway and up a short flight of stairs. I threw open the metal door, revealing a large room dominated by cubicles and terminals. A group of synths stood towards the back of the room, a bald man in raider-esque armor walking out from behind a cubicle, clutching a laser rifle. There was a long scar down his face.

“And there she is. The most resilient woman in the Commonwealth.”

I was frozen in place for a moment, my heart pounding painfully in my chest. It was so loud part of me worried he would hear it. Nick gestured with his head towards Kellogg, silently coaxing me further into the room. Taking in a heavy breath, I approached the man that had murdered my husband and helped kidnap my son.

Kellogg held up his hands.

“Let’s… talk.”

He opened his mouth as if to continue speaking, but all my rage, all my grief poured out before he could make a sound.

“You murdered my husband, you kidnapped my son! You’re a dead man,” I said, my voice shaking more than I would have liked. When I was mad, my voice would crack and I had the unfortunate tendency to stutter. I prayed that I could reign that in just for this moment.

“Your husband. That was… a regrettable accident. Still… This world, this life? You’ve seen it. Pain, suffering. Death is its only escape. But don’t worry. Shaun’s fine. Maybe a little older than you expected.”

“What do you mean!? H-how long has it been, where is he!? Give him t-to me!”

I raised my gun without thinking, my throat thick, barely able to breathe. I could sense Nick’s discomfort beside me, but he remained quiet. Kellogg raised his hands again, arching his eyebrows, stretching out the scar a little.

“Whoa, whoa, calm down. I can’t give him to you.”

“Why!?”

“Because he ain't here. Now, lower your gun before my synths turn hostile. I can only do so much to stop them if they sense a threat.”

Against every fiber of my being screaming at me to squeeze the trigger and blow his brains out, I pointed my gun at the ground.

“Where is he!?” I cried, tears in my eyes. I hated the fact that the man who had almost single handedly destroyed my life was seeing me in such a vulnerable state. I’d wanted to bust in, guns blazing, and inform him that this was his last moment. I’d wanted him to tell me immediately where Shaun was, I’d wanted to deliver a cool one liner, and then extinguish his light like he’d done to Nate. “Please, just tell me where my son is.”

“What’s the cliche?” he asked, unmoved by my unshed tears. “‘So close, but yet so far away’? That’s Shaun.”

“Cut the crap, Kellogg, tell her where her son is!” Nick barked, almost as angry as I was.

Kellogg didn’t look at Nick. Instead, his expression softened and he leaned in ever so slightly.

“Let him go. Your time’s done. Your son is exactly where he belongs. He’s home. In the institute.”

His words were like a punch to the gut. Most of what I’d heard of the institute was in whispers on the street. Piper had explained them as a shady, underground organization that took people while they slept. Nick had told me next to nothing about them, even though they were the source of all the synths. What would they have wanted with Shaun? He was just a baby when they took him.

I clenched my jaw, burying my refreshed grief.

“Here. The institute. I don’t give a shit about where you take him. I will find him. And nothing’s going to stop me.”

It took all my self discipline to keep myself from firing my gun now.

“God, you’re persistent. I give you credit, it’s the way a parent should be. The way I’d be acting if I were in your place, I like to think. Even if it is useless. Anyway, let’s cut to the chase. We both know how this has to end? You ready?”

Despite my aching heart and my knotted stomach, I smirked.

“In a hundred years, when I finally die, my one hope is that I go to hell so I can kill you all over again, you piece of shit.”  
Faster than I thought possible, Kellogg raised his gun, firing directly at me. It clipped my shoulder, and I stumbled backwards, falling to my right behind the wall of consoles. Nick crouched beside me, somehow conveying surprise.

“You okay, kid?”

“I’m fine,” I called over the gun fire from Kellogg and the synths. “You work on the synths, Kellogg is fucking mine.”

“Fair.”

Nick darted out from our cover, shooting without any hesitation. My shoulder was throbbing and I could feel blood dripping down my arm. I ignored it, slipping around to the  
other side of the console.

Kellogg was nowhere to be found. I let out an exasperated cry, aiming my gun at the nothingness in front of me. Abruptly, something rock hard hit under my chin, sending me flying backwards into a desk, my back cracking the terminal on top.

“You couldn’t just leave,” Kellogg’s voice said from in front of me. I looked up at the ceiling, expecting it to be coming from the loudspeakers again. Hands wrapped around  
the front of my vault suit and I was lifted into the air. I felt warm breath on my face. “I don’t like killing women, but you’re not giving me much of a choice.”

He threw me to the ground, flickering into view. He drew a knife from his belt, slashing it towards me. I rolled to my left, but the blade still skimmed my eyebrow and down  
to my cheek, barely missing my eye. When I was on my back again, I aimed my gun up at him, pulling the trigger.

I hit him in the chest, right where I remembered the blood stain on Nate. The total coincidence stunned me, my mind smothering me with the memories of that day. Kellogg used my shock to his advantage, grabbing my suit once more and hauling me to my feet. He shoved me into a desk, holding the knife up to my throat. Blood dripped into my right eye from the cut he’d given me and I blinked spastically, wishing I could wipe it away. He could turn invisible, I didn’t need another disadvantage.

“That hurts, you know that? I mean, a good chunk of me is synthetic at this point, but that still hurt.” I raised my gun and he grabbed my wrist with the hand that had been clinging to my jumpsuit, squeezing it with an inhuman amount of strength. I let out a strangled cry, dropping my weapon. “But, even though you fucking shot me, I’ll do you a favor, and I’ll reunite with your husband.”

Hoping beyond all hopes that not all of Kellogg's body was robotic, I raised my knee, digging it into his crotch. He released my wrist, curling in on himself and scuttling  
backwards clumsily. “You bitch-”

In the split second that followed, I noticed he’d dropped his large, intimidating, and wickedly sharp knife. I bent down, snatching it off of the ground and tackled him around the waist. We landed on the dust covered, concrete floor, and before he could react, I dug the blade into his side. He cursed loudly, stunned.

I leaned up, straddling him, and he took the opportunity to attempt to throw me off. With all the force I could muster and a guttural shriek, I brought the knife down in both my hands, slamming it into his chest. He groaned, still weakly grabbing at me.

So I brought the knife down, again, and again, and again, and again, my hands becoming buried in his chest and Kellogg's hands limp at his sides. It wasn’t until a hand gripped my shoulder and heard Nick’s distraught voice that I realized I was screaming. My head snapped up to look at him and I almost lunged forward.

“Kid, kid, it’s over. He’s dead.”

I looked down at my hands, both still around the leather wrapped handle of the knife. They were thickly coated with blood, as if I were wearing scarlet gloves. I released a high pitched breath, my eyes flitting from the gaping wound in his chest, to all the blood that was spread up to his chin. I dropped the knife, and crawled backwards, trying to gain as much distance from his body as I could, tears spilling free unexpectedly. “I’ll handle it from here.”

I watched, shell shocked, as Nick removed something from the back of Kellogg's head and neck area. My whole body was shaking and I wiped at my eye with the cut, only spreading more blood across my vision. He tucked it in his trench coat, straightening and staring down at me with his glowing, yellow eyes.

“We’ve got what we need. Come on, Kenner.”

He extended his skeletal hand and I latched onto it, my vision undulating at the sight of my red skin. He pulled me to my feet and I picked my gun up from the desk, tucking it into the holster.

“What did you get from him?”

“Some institute implant.”

“H-how’d you know to look?”

“He said he had synthetic parts, so I followed a hunch.” There was a beat of silence. “You gonna be okay?”

I nodded, hair falling into my face from its disastrous ponytail. I swallowed, nauseous.

“I-I’m fine. I’m better.”

And I was another step closer to finding Shaun.

******

“Look, I need to get into Goodneighbor,” I said, my voice montone, my shoulders slumped. “I don’t have the caps, nor do I have the time to pay every thug who demands an ‘insurance fee’.”

“So, what you’re telling me, is you don’t mind if something might… happen to you? You don’t like feeling safe?”

“I guess I don’t. It sounds like you don’t either, because if you keep pushing me, I’m going to have to push back.”

Nick’s head whipped to the side and from my peripheral I could make out the shock on his face, despite his limited range of emotions. I wasn’t one for sudden aggression, but it had been a long day and I was ready to find what I’d come here for. The throbbing in my shoulder from the bullet graze wasn't helping my impatient disposition, nor was the cloth tied around my head that covered my eye and cheek.

The guy glowered at me, opening his mouth to argue, maybe threaten me, when a ghoul in an old red coat walked up to him, tapping the guy on the shoulder.

“How about you leave her alone, huh? It’s her first time in good neighbor, let’s lay off of the extortion crap, alright? She’s a guest,” he said in a similarly gravely voice to all the other ghouls I’d met so far.

“She ain’t one of us,” the man snapped, “Why should you care?”

Finn stepped back to look at the ghoul.

“Doesn’t matter why I care, matters that I’m the mayor. You got no love for your mayor, Finn?” Finn didn’t reply, just kept a smoldering glare trained on the ghoul. “I said let her go.”

“You’re soft, you know that, Hancock? You keep pamperin’ every outsider that waltzes in, and one day there’ll be a new mayor.”  
Hancock let out a good natured chuckle, moving closer to Finn.

“Maybe you better sell me some of that insurance then. Come on, this is me we’re talking about. Let me tell you something…”

He grabbed Finn's shoulder, leaning in as if he was going to say something private, his free hand reaching behind his back. Nick and I exchanged wary looks. Hancock developed a knife, shoving it into Finn’s gut in the blink of an eye.

A few weeks ago, I might have gasped, recoiled from the sight. Now, I watched with a grim mask, my stomach churning lightly from the suddenness of the act. That was it though. A month in the wasteland and I’d already been exposed to a wide array of cruelty and brutality.

Hancock removed the knife just as abruptly as he’d put it in, only to stab him one more time for good measure. My mind briefly snapped to Kellogg lying on the ground, a bloody crater in his chest. Finn crumpled to his knees and Hancock stepped back, allowing the man room to fall flat on his face.

“What a waste,” Hancock said, gazing down in disappointment at the corpse. “Why’d you have to go and say that? You’re breaking my heart.”

I shifted to the side slightly, my hands on my hips. Hancock looked up at me with glassy, black eyes. “You alright?”

“I’m great. Thanks for taking care of that.”

Hancock smiled. At least, I think he did. I still had trouble reading the expressions of ghouls with they’re wrinkled, leathery skin, and dark eyes.

“I know that probably wasn’t the best way to introduce you to Goodneighbor, but trust me, our little community is of the people and for the people. We’re a very welcoming bunch.”

My eyes fell to the body a foot away from me. Hancock shrugged. “Eh, most of us anyway.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Good. You stay cool, and you’ll be part of the neighborhood. So long as you remember who’s in charge.”

With that, he turned, walking back in the direction he’d come. Nick and I looked at each other, taking cautious steps into Goodneighor. In front of us was a gun shop, to the right a trading post run by another ghoul.

“He’s in charge, right?” I asked Nick, giving him a playful smile.

“Very funny. Shut up,” Nick said as we passed Finn’s body.

We made our way into the the center of town, passing people who watched us with unbridled curiosity, some making crude or judgmental comments just loud enough for the two of us to hear. Part of me took comfort in the fact that they'd be doing it regardless of whether or not I was bloody and bandaged. Gruesome injuries were not uncommon in the Wastes.

We came to a large building, with a neon sign that read: The Memory Den. I smiled, putting my hands on my hips again.

“Well, here it is.”

It had taken us another half day to reach Goodneighbor after disposing of Kellogg and I was exhausted. My pipboy read 11:36pm. My legs instincts were to lie down, let them rest a while. But my brain and my heart were screaming for me to go inside, to find another puzzle piece that would lead me to my son.

I pushed open the door, revealing a brick exterior, an unmanned ticket booth in front of me. I ignored it, heading into the open parlor. There were strange pods with red cushioned recliners inside lining the wall and up on a raised platform was a beautiful blonde woman. She was lounging on a similar red recliner, a cigarette in hand.  
Nick let out an unreadable noise, adjusting his hat.

“Well, well, Mr. Valentine,” the woman said. “I thought you had forgotten about little ol’ me.”

“May have walked out on the Den, Irma, but I’d never walk out on you.”

I raised an eyebrow, hiding my smile as best I could. Who knew Nick could be charming? He’d been all business with me for the most part, focusing on the goal of finding Shaun, which I appreciated. He’d say sarcastic quips or check on my wellbeing occasionally, but that was the extent of his warmth. “I’d love to catch up, doll, but I need to see Dr. Amari.

Irma gave him a coy smile, looking up at him through her thick, dark lashes.

“Go on, you big flirt. She’s downstairs.”

Nick tipped his hat, murmuring a thank you and leading me towards a door behind Irma. I gave her a smile as I stepped onto the platform, following Nick down the stairs. Once I was sure she wouldn’t be able to hear us, I smiled at Nick, amused.

“You big flirt indeed. What was that?”

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head.”

“Oh, so you think I’m pretty?”

He just looked at me with his yellow eyes as if I were the dumbest woman on earth. I chose to respond to his judgement by wiggling my eyebrows and grinning. We came to the bottom floor and Nick turned into the room to our right. It had a red and white checkered floor, two pods with the red recliners, and a red rug between the chairs. It matched the aesthetic of the area above perfectly, aside from the massive computer against the wall littered with buttons, dials, and levers.

A woman with black hair neatly gathered in a bun, tan skin and wearing a white labcoat leaned over the console, fiddling with it astutely.

“Doctor Amari?”

“Yes?” she said, sighing and turning around. “I take it this isn’t a social call.”

She and Irma were some of the cleanest people I’d seen in the Commonwealth so far, regardless of how tattered Irma’s fancy red dress had been around the hem. The residents of Diamond city were fairly hygienic for the most part, though there were a few people who didn’t seem to care about how they looked or about bathing.

Nick made eye contact with my good eye.

“Take it away, buddy.”

Thankfully, Nick wasn’t bothered by me dumping all the talking on him. After today my brain was completely fried. I hoped that whatever happened here wasn’t too interactive.

“We need a memory dig, Amari. Problem is, the perp, Kellogg, is already cold on the floor.”

“Are you two mad?” she asked, speaking in an accent I couldn’t quite place. “Aside from the fact that you’re asking me to defile a corpse, you do realize that the memory simulators required intact, living brains to function?”

No, I did not know that, because I was from the goddamned past. I chose not to voice this and instead allowed Nick to continue to cover the situation.

“This dead brain had inside knowledge on the institue, Amari. The biggest scientific secret of the Commonwealth. You need this, and so do we.”

Dr. Amari didn’t bother to hide her curiosity, but it was also clear we’d mildly irritated her.

“Fine. I’ll take a look, but no guarantees. Do you… have it with you?”

Nick reached into the pocket of his coat, retrieving the strange implant that was covered in dried blood. Dr. Amari frowned, taking it from Nick and holding it up to her perplexed face.

“This isn’t a brain. What is it?” she asked herself, flipping it around. “That’s the hippocampus. And this thing attached to it. A neural interface?”

“Those circuits look awfully familiar…”

“I’m not surprised. From what I’ve seen, all institute technology has a similar architecture.”

“Go on,” I said when she paused.

“Mr. Valentine is an older generation synth. But, institute technology being what it is… The brain implant could fit him.” Concern colored her face. “But that’s… an incredible risk to take. We’re talking about wiring something to his brain.”

Nick didn’t give me time to speak or even think.

“Don’t worry about me, Amari. I’m well past the warranty date, anyway.”

I felt a pang of guilt. How he could be willing to throw his life or identity just for me? Finding Shaun didn’t benefit him in anyway. All I wanted to do in that moment was throw my arms around him and cry.

“Nick…”

“No tears, kid. I’m doing this because I want to, got it?”

“I… Thank you.”

“You can thank me when we’ve found your son. Alright. Let’s do this.”


	3. You're like fallen leaves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hrmm another weak chapter, but I promise from this point things should become more interesting! We've got MacCready in the story now, so that makes me happy, I don't know about you guys. I'm going to try and update this story once a week, but I do work two jobs so we'll just see how that goes. Thank you so much for the nice comments, reading them makes my life! Enjoy!

Reliving Kellogg's memories was not easy. Well, physically it was. All I had to do was lay back in one of the red recliners. Emotionally? It was ruining me.

“Is it over? Are we okay?” Nate asked the institute scientist, clutching Shaun to his chest. Cautiously, as not to alarm him, the scientist reached out for my baby. A pit formed in my stomach. I didn’t want to see this again. It was even worse without the fog of the glass and the disorientation of having just woken up.

No, my mind was painfully clear.

Kellogg raised a hand, as if to calm Nate.

“Almost. Everything’s going to be fine.”

He almost sounded sincere.

“No… wait,” Nate slurred, befuddled. “No, no, I’ve got him.”

Kellogg retrieved the pistol from his belt, aiming at Nate without a hint of hesitation. I should have closed my eyes, should have looked away at least, but I couldn’t. I was transfixed by the worst moment of my life.

“Let the boy go. I’m only gonna ask once.”

“No, you can’t have him! You can’t take Shaun! You can’t take my baby!”

_BANG._

“Nate!” the me inside the cryo tube yelled, my voice muffled by the thick metal.

I covered my mouth, a strangled cry leaving my lips, my eyes watering as I watched the scientist pull Shaun from Nate's lifeless arms. His body sank down an inch and then they shut the cryo tube. Shaun began to wail, startled by the loud noise and probably upset by being woken up.

“Get the kid out of here, let’s go.” Kellogg approached my pod, peering into the glass with the smirk I’d remembered. “At least we have a backup.”

Kellogg's memories up until this point had been frustrating, giving me grim peeks into the sad life he had lived. I hated it, because it forced me to think of him as a real human and not just the villain that swooped in and ruined my life. It also forced me to draw comparisons between the two of us. We’d both lost our spouses, our children. We’d both become violent killers, though I ravaged the wasteland in search of my son, while he killed for a paycheck.

“Even then, I knew it was a mistake leaving her alive,” Kellogg narrated, “I understood that kind of revenge better than anyone. But I was cocky enough to assume I could handle some soft prewar Vault dweller, even if she somehow got thawed out. At least I know those institute bastards will soon get what’s coming to them, too. If she could take me out, they won’t be able to hide from her for long.”

Dr. Amari’s voice reached me from the real world.

“ _I’m, uh… sorry you had to go through that again_.”

The next memory was one of… Shaun.

We were in Kellogg’s house in diamond city, and sitting on the ratty rug in front of the TV was a boy, about the age of ten. He had dark red hair like me and brown eyes like his father. I fell to my knees, reaching out to him, but he ignored me.

He didn’t know I was there.

“ _Is that your son? This appears to be a very recent memory, so that’s good news, I think_.”

“It wasn’t my idea to settle down with the kid in the middle of Diamond City. I thought it was a terrible idea, actually,” the disembodied voice of Kellogg said. “But, it was one of the old man’s pet projects, so here we were. Me and the kid like a happy little family.”

“My fucking kid,” I muttered.

“I ended up kind of liking it. A reminder of what my life might have been if things had turned out differently.” He paused for a moment, somber. “But there’s no going back. I knew it was just temporary, and it would be back to normal business before too long.”

I looked at Kellogg, sitting in a chair, playing with a pistol mere feet away from my child. I wanted to kill him all over again.

“This whole setup in Diamond City was part of some elaborate plan of the old man’s. Seems obvious now that we were bait for our friend in the Vault. The timing couldn’t have been an accident. That’s not how the old man works.” Kellogg thought for a moment. “I wonder if he outsmarted me in the end. Another loose end tied up.”

Who was the ‘old man’? Whoever ran the institute? They knew I was coming already and had sent Kellogg as a distraction? …Or as a clue? Whatever the reason was didn’t matter. What mattered was that the institute knew about me, and I was playing right into their hands.

 

Restless was not a strong enough word for how I slept that night. At around one in the morning Nick and I rolled into the Hotel Rexford, both of us renting a separate room. I wondered if Synths slept, but didn’t feel like it was appropriate to ask.

Finally, at half past seven in the morning I gave up on sleeping. I removed the piece of cloth I’d tied around my forehead last night, throwing it into the crumpled trash can beside my bed. The cut on my face was deep and tender, but there was nothing I could do about it for now other than clean it with dirty water.

As I exited my room, I bumped into a ghoul wearing a large tan coat and a matching hat. I murmured an apology, about to keep going down the hall when he latched onto my hurt wrist.

“ _Hey_!”

“Ow- what the- let go.”

He did not.

“I know you.”

I frowned, examining his face more closely. Unfortunately, he looked the same as all the other ghouls I’d met thus far, which made me feel guilty. The only difference was the red hair under his hat.

“You do?”

“Yes. I worked for Vault-Tec when the bombs fell! Your husband was a veteran. You got into the Vault and I didn’t!”

The morning he spoke of returned to my mind and I gasped, covering my mouth with the hand he wasn’t holding onto.

“Oh, my god, you’re right. Jesus, I’m so sorry.”

“You should be! It’s not fair that I’m like this and you still have your perfect, smooth skin. I’m a freak because of you!”

Well, I wasn’t sure if that was true, but I decided not to argue with him.

“I’m so sorry. I wish you could have been in there too… Actually, I don’t. It turned out to be a shady place. All the cryo tubes we were in broke and everyone but me died…”

“Oh…”

 _“Yeah_ … anyway, uh, do you live here?”

“For now. I don’t have a family or a real home to go to.”

“Um, well, since you helped me all those years ago, why don’t you stay in my settlement? There’s not a whole lot of people, but there are houses with roofs still intact and beds. You’ll have company and shelter.”

“What? Really?”

“Sure. It’s where I lived before the war? Do you remember?”

“Yeah- yeah! Thank you.”

I bid him farewell and he rushed back into his room to pack his things. I had never expected to see him again. Were there other people I’d known before the war who were ghouls now? If there was, I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Once I was out of the hotel, I decided to explore Goodneighbor. Kellogg’s memories were not as helpful as I had hoped and we still had no idea where the institute was. My only clue was Virgil, an escaped institute scientist who was rumored to live in the glowing sea. Tomorrow I would attempt to journey there, but today, I would allow myself a reprieve. Despite the guilt it stirred within me.

I passed the Memory Den and reached an areas it's two rows of benches facing each other. To my right was a subway station with a glowing sign reading ‘The Third Rail’ above the door. Curious, I stepped inside, being met by a ghoul in a tux and a black fedora.

“Welcome to the Third Rail. Cause any funny business and you’ll be out on your ass before you can blink an eye, got it?”

“Yes sir,” I said, saluting him and striding down the stairs.

I found myself in a bar, smoke rising lazily to the ceiling, ghouls and regular humans mingling at the counter and on couches, a beautiful woman in a red dress singing on a small stage in the corner. It felt like I was in an old detective movie. I noticed a big cardboard sign above a doorway reading ‘VIP’ and two men entering the room. They were wearing sunglasses and long coats, clearly packing heat.

Unable to resist my curiosity, I crept after them, hugging the long entrance of the room, stifling a gasp when I almost slammed into a mannequin.

“Can't say I'm surprised to find you in a dump like this, MacCready.”

“I was wondering how long it would take your bloodhounds to track me down, Winlock,” whoever was speaking had a smooth, masculine voice, and seemed to be smiling. “But I gotta admit, I thought it would be faster. I mean, it's been almost three months. Don't tell me you're getting rusty.”

The man who had just spoken sighed. “Do we need to take this outside?”

“It ain't like that. Just delivering a message.”

It took all my strength not to peek my head around the corner. I don't know how they would react if I was caught eavesdropping, but I knew I didn't want to risk it. People in the commonwealth were ruthless, the very mayor of this town a shining example of that. It was extremely possible one of them would blow my head off the moment I made it visible.

“In case you forgot, I left the gunners for good,” who I assumed was MacCready said, irritation leaking into his voice.

“That's what I heard. But I also heard you're still taking jobs in the Commonwealth. That isn't going to work for us.”

“I don't take orders from you,” he reigned in his annoyance, becoming intense. “Not anymore. So why don't you take your girl friend and walk out of here while you still can.”

I raised my eyebrows, almost laughing. What the hell was happening?

“What!? Winlock, don't tell me we have to listen to this shit!” A new voice cried.

“Listen, MacCready. The only reason we haven't filled your body up with bullets is because we don't want a war with Goodneighbor. See, we respect other people's boundaries. We know how to play the game. That's something you never learned.”

“Glad to have disappointed you.”

“You can play tough all you want. But if we hear you're still operating in gunner territory, all bets are off. You got that?”

“You finished?” MacCready asked, unaffected by the threat.

“Yeah… We’re finished.”

Footsteps reached my ears, and I straightened my back, having slowly crouched during the conversation. I bumped into the mannequin, and it turn fell into one of the men, who caught it. His hands curled around it’s arms with a loud smack and I jumped, laughing uncomfortably.

“Hello, boys. Sorry about my friend, she's had a bit too much to drink.”

The man holding the mannequin didn't speak, instead shoving it into my chest and walking around me, his companion silently following. I stared after them, swallowing.

“Is there something you need?”

My head whipped forward and I realized I was standing in the middle of the doorway, clutching a mannequin as if it were special to me. I let out another awkward laugh, moving the mannequin to my side and entering the room. It was dimly lit with a red light, creating an ambience that fought between being luxurious and being seedy.

There was a couch against the wall across from me that a man in a tattered brown coat sat in, belts of ammo around his waist. He was handsome, with brown hair, and a goatee. Young, too, maybe younger than me.

“Oh, uh, I don't know-”

“Do you have a job?” he interjected.

“Me? Not really, I'm kind of a drifter-”

“ _No_ , do you have a job for me?”

He was impatient, unsurprisingly, since his life had just been threatened. Not that he seemed scared in anyway. The fact that I was being incredibly dense probably didn’t help his mood. I blinked, feeling stupid. I bit my lip.

“Oh, uh, maybe. I’m not sure. What, uh, what services do you offer?”

Despite spending so much time in the commonwealth, where everyone was brusque and taciturn, I would sometimes fall back into old, prewar habits. Being timid and polite were some of those bad habits. I’d quickly learned that the only way to get what you wanted was to be cold blooded and menacing.

MacCready raised an eyebrow, sitting forward.

“Who were those guys?” I blurted, hoping to distract him.

He bristled.

“Doesn’t matter. If you don’t-”

“Seemed like it mattered.”

I was stalling, giving myself time to slip back into my unfeeling wastelander persona. MacCready exhaled in exasperation, glaring at me.

“They were a couple of morons looking to climb the ladder of success by stepping on everyone else on their way up,” he snapped. He sighed, slumping his shoulders, his elbows resting on his knees. He gave me a side glance as he spoke. “They’re part of the Gunners.”

“The Gunners?”

“One of the biggest gangs in the Commonwealth. Got a rep for being crazy, you know, so tightly wound, you’d think they were a cult or something. Stuck with them for a while cause the money was good, but I never fit in.” He shook his head, his expression hardening. “Like I said, it doesn’t matter. I’m a solo business now.”

“You’re a gun for hire.”

“Knew you’d get there eventually. Now, look lady, if you’re looking for a friend, you’ve got the wrong guy. If you need someone to shoot a gun, then maybe we can keep talking.”

I thought for a moment. I had Nick and Piper, both who handled weapons with ease. They were capable, but a part of me always felt guilty dragging them all over the Commonwealth, constantly endangering their lives. There was also Preston, the defacto leader of the Minutemen, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough with him to ask him to help me find Shaun. Maybe the solution was to bring someone who didn’t care where they needed to go and who they needed to shoot as long as they got paid?

“How much?”

He smiled crookedly, standing up. Nate towered over me at 6’4” while I was 5’4”. MacCready appeared to be only an inch or two shorter than Nate.

“That’s more like it. The price is 250 caps… up front. And there’s no room for bargaining.”

I put a hand on my hip, smirking.

“Everything’s negotiable. Would you take 200?”

It almost looked like he wanted to smile again, but he remained neutral.

“Deal.”

He extended his hand and I reached out to shake it, only to have him pull his back at the last second. I met his stare, noticing the distrustful edge in his eyes now. They were blue, though the shadow of his hat made them seem almost black. “Before we do this… how do I know I won’t end up with a bullet in my back?”

“You don’t. That’s part of the risk, right?”

One side of his mouth pulled up in an amused smile and he grabbed my hand, shaking it briskly.

“Can’t argue with that.”

I took him to the Hotel Rexford and made him wait outside while I informed Nick that I would be going on without him from this point. It was clear that he wasn’t comfortable with my decision, and although he warned me about travelling with hired guns, he didn’t argue.

As I’d turned to leave his room, his mechanical hand snapped out, locking around my wrist.

“Hope you got what you were looking for inside my head,” he laughed once, a bitter, defeated laugh, and I watched him, stunned. “I was right. Should've killed you when you were on ice.”

_“Nick?”_

There was a beat of silence and he looked down, shaking his head before meeting my horrified stare.

“Sorry, kid, did you say something?”

What was I supposed to say? That he’d blacked out and become Kellogg? Guilt exploded within my chest and my mouth hung open, words leaving me. “Kid?”

“N-no- uh, sorry. I didn’t say anything. I’ll see you in Sanctuary Hills.”

With that, I essentially fled his room, my throat thick, tears stinging my eyes. I made it to the lobby, discovering MacCready sitting on one of the ancient, stained couches. I’d been planning on burying my emotions before going outside to join him. He spotted me and for a moment I thought concern colored his face, but it was replaced by disdain as quickly as it had possibly come.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” I clenched my jaw, swallowing, glaring at him. “Let’s go.”

He followed me as I stormed out of the hotel, the early morning sun burning my cheeks, blinding me. I didn’t slow, didn’t check he was with me, just kept plowing towards the exit of Goodneighbor.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait,” he said, striding up beside me, “Where are we going exactly?”

“The Glowing Sea.”

“What!?” Regardless of his indignation, he didn’t slow his pace. “Listen, Lady, I don’t know what you need in the Glowing Sea, but I like my skin how it is. And I like being alive.”

“We’ll get power armor,” I said matter-of-factly, passing by the body of Finn. MacCready didn’t seem phased by the corpse.

“Oh, will we?” he said, doubtful.

“Yeah, we will. I have some in Diamond City. A suit for me, and a radiation suit for you. Or visa versa. I’ve never really liked wearing power armor..”

He didn’t say anything else after that, just travelled with me in silence. We came across some super mutants about an hour into our journey and together we eliminated them from afar, coming out unscathed. I’d struggled a little, seeing as how I only had one good arm due to my injured wrist and shoulder. MacCready was skilled with a sniper rifle, more effective than Piper, Nick and I combined. After we’d cleared out all the super mutants I whistled.

“You were worth the caps, weren’t you?”

He side glanced at me, adjusting his silly hat. I wanted so badly to snatch it off of his head and dispose of it in some way. Maybe I would ‘accidentally’ knock it off in the heat of battle next time we came across someone to fight.

We continued in the direction of Diamond city, arriving there in the late afternoon. My stomach was growling and had been for the past three hours, and so I offered to buy MacCready some noodles.

“I’ll pass.”

“Then what are you going to do? Just sit there while I eat?”

“I’ve got some business I can deal with. I’ll be back in half an hour.”

I raised an eyebrow, watching him turn and saunter off. I wondered if he was going to be this antisocial the entire time. Of course, that had been the point of hiring him. I wanted to bring someone who I didn’t care about and who didn’t care about me. He was going to make that easy.

I pulled myself onto the stool and after a few minutes, Takashi had supplied me with noodles that I eagerly began to slurp up. About five minutes passed when abruptly someone grabbed onto my shoulder pulling me to face their direction.

“Hey-”

“Blue!” Piper cried, latching onto my other shoulder. “What the hell happened to your face!?”

I laughed.

“It’s nice to see you too, Piper.”

“Sorry- hi- it’s just you’re so beaten up! Did you get him? Did you find Kellogg?”

She released me, sitting in the stool beside me, her eyes large and curious. I nodded, sucking up some more noodles. She waited patiently while I chewed and swallowed.

“Yes, we found him-”

“Did he tell you where Shaun is!?”

Her question caused an ache in my chest that I did my best to ignore.

“Slow down, okay? I know you’re a reporter but one question at a time.”

“Okay, okay, start at the beginning.”

I began recounting the tale of how we found Kellogg, of his loud speaker taunts, and the conversation we had about Shaun. Then I got to the final fight, explaining the gunshot wound and the cut through my eyebrow and cheek, skipping the part where I demolished Kellogg's chest with his own knife.

Once I was done, she let out a heavy breath, leaning onto the counter as if hearing the story had aged her.

“He’s in the institute… Blue, that’s crazy. I’m so sorry.” She bent forward, reaching out towards the cut on my face, her finger hovering an inch away. “This looks bad, have you seen Doctor Sun yet?”

“I was going to eat my noodles first, then see the doctor.”

“Are you an idiot?”

“Fine, fine, fine, I’ll go see Doctor Sun. He’ll probably just slap a bandage on it, give me a stimpak that I don’t need, and send me on my way though.”

 

I’d been very wrong. Doctor Sun stitched up the cut on my face and I thanked the god I didn’t believe in that Kellogg hadn’t gotten my eye. There wasn't much he could do for my bruised wrist, so next, he cleaned up my graze, which almost made me laugh at the futility of wiping a wound with dirty water. I missed a lot of things from my time period and functioning clinics and hospitals was definitely one of them. Of course, if I were still living back then, I wouldn’t even need to have these kind of wounds tended to.

I paid the doctor and headed away from the clinic, my forehead and cheek burning from the stitches. It was selfish and idiotic, but I had a moment where I was grateful Nate wasn’t here to see how I looked now. Filthy and scarred, my blue vault suit covered in dirt- in blood. I looked down at my hands, my golden wedding band glinting in the fading sunlight.

Of course, then I just felt guilty for being thankful in any way for Nate being dead.

I was about to head back to Piper when I noticed MacCready sitting at the counter on the other side of the power noodles. Where he sat was the perfect place to be obscured from my view by the column in the middle of the store. I strode over, smiling incredulously, my raised eyebrows tugging at my stitches.

“Are you hiding from me?”

MacCready’s head snapped up, his stupid hat almost falling off of his head but he caught it, his blue eyes wide.

“Oh, no- I… I love noodles, alright? I was avoiding you, letting you eat alone so we didn’t have to talk to each other. Keep things impersonal.”

I laughed, shaking my head.

“Okay, I get it. We’re going to leave first thing in the morning okay? So, you can either stay in my house on my spare bed, or you can rent a room at the dugout inn. I’m going to bed.”

I turned, walking in the direction of the house I’d bought here about a week ago when MacCready called out to me.

“Hey, what’s your name?”

Had I really not told him my name? I faced him, grinning.

“Violet!”

“I’ll see you in the morning, Violet!”


	4. In an autumn night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAH. I will edit this either tomorrow or the day after, but for now, I have to go to sleep. I hope this isn't riddled with errors, but after a 13 hour work day I just... I can't... brain no work. Anyway, hopefully this chapter is more exciting than previous chapters. Also, I hope using buffout makes sense? In the game it makes sense so I hope it doesn't translate awkwardly to literature. I don't know. I did my best *tired sobbing*
> 
> Also, thank you again for commenting and... kudo...ing... I love you. Please keep doing so, it's very motivational. It took me like a solid 30 seconds to remember the word motivational so I think that's a sign to cease the talking (or typing).

I woke up at 6:45 in the morning, pulling my vault suit on and sliding on the shoulder pads I’d stolen from a raider at some point. I looked in the cracked mirror that had already been in the house when I’d bought it, really examining the damage Kellogg had done to me. There was a bruise along my jaw from when he’d hit me with what had felt like the butt of his gun, and the cut down my eye was still an angry red, the stitches mildly grotesque.

Since waking up in the vault my hair had grown about an inch, almost reaching my ribcage now. It was unkempt, no soap the Commonwealth had to offer truly replacing good, old fashioned shampoo. I longed for the days where it was easy to stay clean.

Upon exiting my home I discovered MacCready leaning against the wall, his hat tilted over his eyes. He must have heard me shut the door because he moved his hat back up, meeting my gaze.

“Good morning,” I said, adjusting my backpack. Inside was the radiation suit, the bulbous helmet barely fitting inside. “You’re prompt.”

“You said first thing in the morning.”

“Yeah, but you seem like the rebellious type. Thought you might make me wait outside the inn.”

He smirked.

“I thought about it.”

******

No one had ever described the Glowing Sea to me. Judging by MacCready’s reaction, I knew that it was likely to be heavily irradiated, but that was all I had to go on. I had known that we weren't really going to a sea, since we were heading in the opposite direction of the ocean. Still, nothing so far had prepared me for what it really was.

It took us a few hours to reach a point in which we could stop and redress. Once we were in our protective suits, we continued for another half an hour, the sky fading to a dark green, as if it had gone stale, the air itself filled with a green mist. The ground was so irradiated it had turned black, completely sapped of any moisture it once had to offer. I struggled to traverse the craggy landscape and more than twice did I stumble over a loose rock, MacCready easily catching me without a word. Each time I’d mutter an embarrassed thank you, wondering if there was ever going to be an opportunity for me to somehow recover my dignity with him.

How I’d survived the wasteland for so long must have been a complete mystery to him. So far I’d been downright stupid, bad at fighting, and clumsy in front of him. What possible redeeming survival qualities could I have?

After an hour of travel we’d come across a few radscorpions, several feral ghouls and the occasional bloodbug. I’d done my best to fend them off, my injured wrist protesting less today than it had yesterday. Still, MacCready did his job well, eliminating most threats before they could even reach us.

We travelled in relative silence, most of the conversation exchanged the two of us along the lines of: “Watch out”, “Over there”, and “Thanks”.

When we were almost to where I’d been informed Virgil was, a radscorpian burst from the round, slamming down on top of me, rattling my head within my helmet. I let out a girlish shriek, it’s ugly face right against the glass before my eyes, it’s pincers snapping at me with nerve fraying scraping sounds.

MacCready turned to face us in his clunky power armor, laying into the radscorpian with the submachine gun I’d given him, his sniper rifle strapped onto his back. The giant arachnids exoskeleton protected it from the majority of the bullets, a few stray ones hitting the soft parts of it’s underbelly. I reached out, my frantic breaths fogging the glass of my helmet, and wrapped my hands around it as best I could, throwing it to my left. It landed on it’s back, it’s claws opening and closing furiously, it’s leg wriggling wildly as it attempted to flip itself. MacCready took advantage of it’s vulnerable situation, riddling it’s abdomen with bullets, yellow guts splattering across my visor.

It released a pained whine, falling limp, it’s large stinger making a loud thud on the dry earth. I leaned up on my hands, my chest rising and falling dramatically as I regained my composure.

“Jesus…” I muttered, wiping my sleeve across my helmet.

“How have you survived up until this moment?” MacCready said, his voice strained as if he’d been just as caught off guard as me.

I looked up at him, smiling crookedly.

“Luck, probably.”

“Luck? You don’t seem lucky to me.”

“Depends on how you look at things,” I said.

I got to my feet, brushing off the ash from my legs, my gloved hands sticky from the blood of the scorpian. I sighed, staring into the dark eye slit of his helmet, still smiling. “You okay?”

He let out an incredulous grunt.

“Am _I_ okay?”

“ _Yeah_ , are you okay?”

There was a brief moment of silence as he attempted to wrap his mind around my question.

“Let’s just keep moving.”

I shrugged, following him as he pressed on. Thankfully, we weren’t attacked again before we made it to the entrance of the cave that I prayed was Virgil’s. We headed cautiously inside the small space, coming across a steel door a few feet in. I froze, unsure of how to proceed. “Knock.”

“Just knock?”

“Yeah, knock.”

“What if he gets mad?”

“Who’s in there anyway?”

“A scientist.”

“Scientists are harmless,” he said, leaning over me and rapping his gloved knuckles against the metal.

My muscles tightened as I prepared for the worst. A good thirty seconds passed and I decided nothing was going to get done unless we went inside. I tugged on the handle, shoving the door open, the metal grinding on the stone floor of the cave. Immediately, I almost walked into a string of cans dangling from the naturally formed ceiling, MacCready grabbing my shoulder and pulled me into his armored chest.

“Thanks,” I whispered.

I continued into the cave and a machinegun turret came into view. I pulled off my helmet, shoving it back into my backpack. Without asking permission, I walked behind MacCready, tugging at his sniper rifle.

“What are you doing?” he hissed, peering over his shoulder in vain. “ _Quit it_.”

I managed to unhook the weapon, raising the scope to my right eye, the cut throbbing minorly. MacCready must have realized what I was doing, because he didn’t stop me. I aimed down the sights, pulling the trigger, the body of the turret exploding.

“He probably heard that,” I muttered, shoving the sniper rifle into MacCready’s hand. He slung it over his back wordlessly.

We moved further into the cave, destroying a few more turrets until we finally found an opening, light pouring through. We crouched down, examining what was ahead of us as best we could. From where we hid, I could see a robot trundling around and tables with science equipment littering them.

MacCready and I exchanged a glance -at least I think we did- and scurried into the main part of cave, guns held tightly.

MacCready was a foot or two ahead of me, so he didn’t see as a large, green hand slammed down on my mouth, someone tugging me against their body. I yelled into their palm, thrashing as violently I could manage against their grip. MacCready whipped around, aiming his gun at whoever was holding me. It must have been a super mutant judging by their size and complexion but I’d never experienced one think out a plan other than kill, crush, destroy.

“Lower your weapon or I’ll crush her head,” the mutant said in a low, garbled voice, still managing to sound surprisingly intelligent.

“Not gonna happen,” MaCready growled.

“I’ll kill her!”

“Am I flinching? I’ve already been paid in full, doesn’t matter what happens to her now.”

“Oh, thanks,” I mumbled into the super mutants hand, rolling my eyes. Despite the danger I was in. Maybe it was being the wasteland, constantly having to stare death in the face, but it really didn’t seem as scary anymore.

Maybe it was because I knew if I finally just died I would get to see Nate again.

There was a beat of tense silence, and then my captor sighed, releasing me. I hurried over to MacCready, positioning myself slightly behind his hulking power armor. I could now see the super mutant, and he was like none I’d ever witnessed before now. He wore glasses and something that looked like a big, blue scarf tucked into a tattered white shirt.

“I knew the institute would come for me. Where’s Kellogg? Trying to sneak up on me while you two distract me? It’s not going to work!”

My mouth was agape and I narrowed my eyes, my brow furrowed as my mind started reeling.

“Are you… are you Virgil?”

“You know damn well I am! What are you doing here?”

“You’re a super mutant!”

“Yes. Clearly you have functioning eyes. Congratulations. Now who are you- what do you want?” he growled.

“My name is Violet Kenner and I need to know everything you know about the institute. Please, it’s important.”

“The institute? So they did send you, didn’t they? You are working with Kellogg!”

I stepped forward, ignoring his returning paranoia and his massive clenched fists. I held my empty hands up, having dropped my gun when he’d first grabbed me.

“No, no, we’re not, I promise. Kellogg’s dead. I- I killed him.”

It felt strange to say something like that aloud. I’d grown uncomfortably accustomed to killing, but it had never seemed like murder. None of them had ever had a name, at least not one I’d heard. It was always just another raider, another mercenary. Kellogg was the first with an identity. Even if he had been my husband's killer and my sons kidnapper, I couldn’t get passed that fact.

His eyes widened.

“He’s… _dead?”_ His shock left as quickly as it had come. “You’re lying!”

“What? No, I’m serious!”

“I don’t believe it,” he said firmly, still infuriated.

“Why?”

“Do you have any idea what that man has done? What the institute pays him to do? It’s all off the books stuff. Kellogg is ruthless, he’s a killer and he’s very good at what he does. There’s a reason the institute used him to do their dirty work for so many years.” He slowed for a moment, his eyes thoughtful, contrasting with the barbaric look of a super mutant. “I knew they’d send him after me, tried to prepare for it. But still I wasn’t sure I’d make it… And you’re trying to tell me… you killed him?”

“Yes, I did. It wasn’t easy,” I said, gesturing to my face.

“Then what do you want with me?”

“I told you, I need you to tell me about the institute. Why did you leave? I know you came from there.”

His eyes bulged.

“You know about the escape? But how!?” He calmed himself, closing his eyes for a moment. “No, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going back… I can’t go back? Look at me!”

He abruptly turned away from us, his head hanging.

“Relax,” I said, moving forward a little more, as if he were a wild animal that could strike out at me at any moment. “I just need to know how to get in there.”

“ _What!?”_ he whirled around, making me jump lightly. My heart pounded in my chest and I began to sweat even more within my radiation suit than I already was. I swallowed as he continued. “Are you serious? You want to get into the institute? Are you insane?”

He didn’t give me time to answer.

“Never mind how nearly impossible that is, even if you were to succeed it’d almost certainly end in your immediate death.” He looked at me with heavy scrutiny, as if he still suspected I was lying to him about something. His tone was dark and deadly serious as he said, “What reason could you possibly have for taking that kind of risk?”

I clenched my jaw, wishing MacCready weren’t here. I wanted things to be strictly professional, wanted him to know nothing about Shaun, about Nate. But I wanted to be straight with Virgil, wanted this bizarre, paranoid, super mutant scientist to trust me.

“I’m trying to find my son. The institute kidnapped him.”

“Oh,” he breathed, sympathy coloring his voice. “Oh no. I had no idea. I’m sorry. The institute has taken people from the commonwealth in the past. If your son is one of them, I can understand why you’d want to get in there. I can help, but… I’m going to need something in return.”

My heart fluttered in my chest and I leaned forward without meaning to, my joy overflowing.

“Of course! Yes, whatever you need!”

“Before I had to escape, I was working on a serum that would serve as a cure for my… condition. But I wasn’t able to bring it with me. It’s still in my lab, and… Well, look at me. I need it. I need you to find it for me, if you manage to get inside the institute.”

“Okay! Okay. You help me and I’ll help you.”

It looked as if maybe he might smile.

“Alright. Let’s talk details. First things first. Do you know how synths get in and out of the institute?”

“No idea.”

“It’s called a ‘Molecular Relay’. I don’t understand all the science behind it, but it works. It’s a teleporter. The Relay is the only way into the institute, you understand? The only one. That means you’re going to have to use it. Now, have you ever seen an institute Courser?”

“A what what?”

He sighed.

“An institute Courser. It’s not surprising you haven’t seen one. They don’t come out often, and when they do, few see them. They’re institute synths, designed for one purpose.”

“And what’s that?”

“To hunt.”

They way he said it sent chills down my spine and I did my best not to show how unsettled he’d made me. “Operations go wrong, a synth goes missing, and a Courser is dispatched. They’re very good at what they do, and you’re going to have to kill one.”

“Wonderful.”

 

The rest of the conversation consisted of why I needed to kill a courser, where the serum he needed would be if I made it into the institute, and being told ‘good luck’. I was going to need it, but like I’d told MacCready earlier, I seemed to have an overstock of it.

MacCready and I headed back out into the Glowing Sea, my helmet screwed on tightly again. It had taken us about an hour and a half to locate Virgil and I hoped our travel time was faster now that we sort of knew where we were going.

We’d been walking for a long time in silence when finally he cracked, speaking to me.

“So, what happened to you?”

“I thought we weren’t gonna get personal with each other,” I said, smirking.

“I’d love that. Once you answer the question. You asked me about the Gunners, I get to know why you’re a cyclops.”

I laughed.

“I’m not a cyclops. I still have my eye, but that’s fair. I got in a fight, got shot, got cut. The end.”

He let out a ‘pfft’ sound.

“Are you kidding me? That’s how you’re going to tell it?”

“It’s involved, okay? The proper explanation is way too complicated. You don’t wanna know.”

“It’s a little too late for that, lady,” he said, his head turned towards me, his face invisible within the helmet. “I know you’ve got history with the institute and that you’ve got a kidnapped son. I also know that you killed some guy named Kellogg and you implied you got that,” he pointed to my eye, “fighting him.”

“Then there’s not much else to tell you.”

He let out an exasperated sigh.

“You’re right, I don’t want things to get friendly between us. But you’ve got a surprisingly interesting story and I want to hear it.”

“Maybe after we kill the Courser.”

He stopped in his tracks unexpectedly.

“No, no way.”

I spun around, frowning deeply, gripping my gun tighter.

“What? What do you mean? I paid you!”

“Yeah, 200 caps. I’m going to need a little more if you’re going to drag me into a fight with a Courser.”

My jaw dropped.

“You let me drag you into the Glowing Sea but a synth is where you draw the line?”

“The Glowing Sea  _plus_ a Courser is where I draw the line.”

“Is this how it works with all hired guns? Cause if so I have some serious complaints to submit to the Hired Gun Board. I mean-”

He turned his head to the side, stiffening.

“Lady-”

“I pay you the money you ask for, all you tell me is you’re going to come with me-”

“Lady, stop talking-”

I ignored him, continuing on my rant, looking up at the whirling green clouds.

“You give me no warning of when and where you might bail-”

“Kenner-”

“And then you decide to do it right after hearing what crucial and incredibly difficult task I have to complete-”

“ _Kenner-”_

“I have more caps, you cheap-”

“ _Violet, run!”_

He bolted past me and I gazed after him, totally perplexed. It was then I heard a deafening roar that made my skin crawl. I recognized it from my first day waking up. I looked to my left, a pit forming in my stomach. A deathclaw was running right at me.

“Shit!”

I turned, running after MacCready who was only a few feet ahead of me, rattling loudly in his power armor. “ _Why didn’t you fucking warn me!?”_

“I tried!”

“Saying my name is not a warning! Next time, consider ‘ _There’s a fucking deathclaw coming towards us’!”_

The ground below us was shaking and I could just make out the edge of the Glowing Sea not far in the distance. The deathclaw roared again and I held my breath, fear swelling in my stomach.

“I’m _so_ sorry my reaction to a deathclaw was unsatisfactory!”

Since I wasn’t in a clunky, metal suit of armor, it wasn’t hard for me to overtake him, despite stumbling over a rock once. I knew the end of the Glowing Sea wasn’t the end of being chased, but it meant I could shed some of my weight, such as the helmet to my radiation suit, making it easier to see. If MacCready was capable enough, he could ditch the power armor. Not that that was a perfect idea. At least right now if he got caught the deathclaw wouldn't be able to shred him into pieces.

As if on cue, MacCready cried out, the deathclaw growling, his armored body hurtling over my head and skidding across the ground. And that was when the world slowed down, my mind racing with questions for myself.

Should I stop? Should I attempt to fight the deathclaw and potentially save MacCready who was unmoving on the dirt at my feet? Or should I keep running and let him serve as a distraction for my escape?

I reached the spot where MacCready laid and without fully coming to a decision in my head, I slid on my knees across the rough terrain, wrenching the submachine gun out of MacCready’s hands. The deathclaw was a few yards back and I aimed the gun at it’s feet, squeezing the trigger.

The bullets sprayed around it’s scaled feet, kicking up dust, and I straightened my aim, clenching my teeth. It took about five seconds for it to almost close the gap between us, and five seconds for my bullets to break through it’s thick skin, sending blood spraying into the air.

The deathclaw released a pained wail, stumbling slightly, only a couple feet from me, deafening me briefly. I aimed at it’s face now, pulling the trigger, bullets flying out for a split second before the gun clicked. It was empty. I threw it to the ground, firing the remainder of my clip from shotgun, doing minor damage to it’s chest. It paid attention to me now, raising it’s arm to swipe at me. I dove under it’s hand as it did so, barely making it in time, scrambling to my feet with an unbelievable amount of grace.

As it spun around to find me, I darted back to MacCready, shoving my hands under him and pushing. It must have been the adrenaline, because it only took me a second or two to move him in his power armor. I bit into the side of my cheek as I did, exerting all my strength, tasting blood in my mouth. Once MacCready rolled to his front, I ripped the sniper rifle off of his back, smashing the scope to my eye. The deathclaw was facing me now and I knew that any minute now it was going to tear me apart. With lightning speed I trained the gun on it’s eye, pulling the trigger as fast as I could.

And it landed. By the grace of god it landed, blood splurting out, the bullet coming out the back of it’s skull.

It shrieked, tripping backwards on it’s injured foot, coming to the ground with such force it shook the earth. It raised it’s head, releasing an indignant growl, and I gasped, my heart pounding. Then it’s head lolled back and it ceased all movement.

I sat there for what must have been a minute, waiting for it to get back up. I wasn’t going to let myself feel relief just to have it taken away. But it never twitched, never made a sound. It was dead. I’d killed another deathclaw.

I hadn’t even been wearing power armor this time.

A rush of air came through my gaping mouth and I fell back on MacCready. I sure hoped he wasn’t dead. A laugh bubbled up my throat and I put my hands on my stomach, allowing myself this moment.

Then it was over and it was time to get the hell out of here. I turned, kneeling beside MacCready, trying to flip him again, but this time he was much heavier. I realized my hands were shaking, every part of me feeling like it was composed of jelly.

I couldn’t stay here though, and since I’d taken the time to save his life, I couldn’t leave him now. I was going to have to get him out of the Glowing Sea.

“MacCready?” I said, gently shaking him. “MacCready, we’ve got to go.”

There was no response.

“Ugh, please don’t be dead.”

What was I going to do? It was then that I remembered that among the goodies in my backpack was some buffout. Now, I’d done my best not to take chems since waking up. I’d used psycho once, mentats once, and buffout once. Maybe if I took some now I’d be strong enough to get us out of this place. It would only take a few minutes.

Boy, was I right. I took it and suddenly it felt as if I could lift the deathclaw carcass behind me. Instead, I hooked my hands under MacCready’s armpits, walking backwards and dragging him loudly across the dry ground.

I wasn’t sure how long it took me to get a safe distance away from the Glowing Sea. Within a minute or two of coming to a halt, the buffout left my system, my limbs returning to limp noodles. I collapsed to the ground, falling flat on my back, MacCready’s head on my feet.

I don’t know if it was the adrenaline leaving my body, or the backlash of using buffout, or just the emotional rollercoaster I’d been on in the past three days, but the moment I hit the ground, my vision turned to static.  
And then the world faded to black.


	5. You're the lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gore? Laser wounds? Head shots? You've been warned.

"Maybe you are lucky.”

My eyes snapped open and I gasped, sitting up, my hair flying up around my face. 

“Stay away from me-”

“Whoa, whoa, calm down.” I looked around, confused. I was on a lumpy mattress, MacCready at my feet, his neck craned to the side so he could look at me. We were sitting in a dark shack, the only light coming from a little lamp sitting on the floor. MacCready was leaning against the wall, out of the power armor now, his expression bordering on concern. “You’re okay.”

“What happened?” I asked, holding my head in my hands.

“You’re going to have to tell me. I woke up lying next to you, out of the Glowing Sea, and not in the belly of a deathclaw. Oh, and on the way here, I received this... nice little gift.”

He moved his hand that was on his side, revealing blood staining the shirt that had been hidden under his brown coat when I’d met him. The wound was just above his hip bone and the details were obscured by the shirt, but the radius of the stain was rather alarming. I gasped, instinctively moving towards him, as if I had the magic cure for his injury.

“Are you okay? How did it happen?” 

“Well, when I woke up, after ditching your power armor -sorry- I carried you for a while and got caught off guard by a group of raiders. Getting to cover while lugging you around wasn’t easy though. Anyway, I took care of them and then half... an hour later I found this place. ”

“God, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? You saved my life.”

His sentence had started with an incredulous tone that had quickly faded to one of… Disappointment?

“Yeah, but if I hadn’t passed out you wouldn’t have been by yourself. And you wouldn’t have had to carry me!”

“Eh, you weren’t-” he grunted in pain, clutching the wound, “heavy.”

My eyebrows turned down and I reached out again, my guilt palpable. He’d tried to make the wound seem insignificant, but even now I could see fresh blood coating his hands, glinting in the candlelight.

“I can help you.”

I pulled my backpack that was on the floor next to me onto my lap, rifling through it. I had some bandages in case of emergency but only one stimpak. I didn’t need it and I wasn’t going to let him bleed out here. 

I crawled over to him, preparing to stick the syringe into the area by the gunshot. MacCready held his hand out, blocking me from reaching his abdomen.

“Don’t… waste that on me.”

“You got that protecting me, I’m not going to sit here and watch you die.”

“You saved me -ugh- first,” he clenched his eyes shut, flexing his jaw. I took the opportunity to stab the syringe into his skin, emptying the stimpak into him. He gasped, looking down at where it was buried in his stomach. I pulled it out, tossing it to the side. “Jesus, could have warned a guy.”

“Why would I warn you? You were trying to stop me!”

“Yeah, for a reason too. You should have just let me die.”

I raised my eyebrows, leaning back on my legs that were folded under me. 

“That’s a little dark.”

“And it’s true. I don’t- I’ve done-” he sighed, hanging his head. “Nevermind.”

“Look, you’re still hurt, I’m gonna bandage you up and then let’s get some sleep.”

Silence hung in the air for a moment, heavy, and twisted. Finally, MacCready released a frustrated breath.

“Alright. But in the morning we should head back to diamond city and both of us get checked by the doc. If I do die, I don’t want it to be by something boring like an infection.”

“True- wait- we? I thought you were ditching me?”

Irritation flickered across his handsome face and he looked away, glaring at the opposite wall from us.

“Yeah, I was gonna. But you saved my life. Twice, now. I figured maybe you’d earned a freebie."

I grinned, fighting the urge to embrace him. Unfortunately I couldn’t stop the little squeal I released that earned me an eyebrow raise from him. 

“Thank you, thank you so much! I know you’re just repaying a debt, but this means the world to me!”

He watched me for a moment, the candlelight flickering in his blue eyes, changing the color from dark to light to dark. 

“You’re really not like anyone else I’ve met out here, you know that?”

I put my fingers over my mouth, cringing. I’d known that I’d pushed it too much by not taking on my Wasteland wanderer persona. I’d used it in front of Nick, in front of Piper, in front of Preston, why hadn’t I regained it in front of MacCready? Of course, each of those people I’d eventually shed it in front of, only using it when we first met or when we were in a conflict. I’d blown it with MacCready the moment I’d met him.

“It’s the sincerity, isn’t it?”

“Yes. And the awkward laughs, and the light hearted sarcasm. It would be one thing if you were some shop owner in Diamond City, where everything’s safe and monitored. But you go out into the Wasteland! You fight and kill people. I don’t get it. How has the Commonwealth not eaten you alive?”

“I… I don’t know. Because I won’t let it.”

His lips twitched upward and he shook his head. 

“Just quit it with the niceties, okay? Remember, we aren’t friends. I’m not your eternal travel buddy. I’m paying you back for saving me, that’s it, okay? Once we’re even, I’m gone.” He smirked. “Unless you feel like paying me another two hundred caps.”

I snorted, picking up the bandages.

“We’ll see.” Next was the more uncomfortable portion of taking care of the wound. “I need you to take your shirt off.”

“Yeah, that’s going to be more than two hundred caps, lady.”

I rolled my eyes.

“No, idiot, so I can bandage you up.”

“Alright,” he sighed, leaning up, wincing. He reached back, yanking the blood stained shirt over his head. He revealed his surprisingly muscular physique, though he also had the signature lack of body fat that most of the people in this time had. I did my best not to think too much on his body as I leaned into him, reaching around his torso, wrapping the bandage.

“So… lovely radiation we’ve had recently.”

“We don’t have to talk.”

“Fair.”

Once he was patched up, I scooted away, exhaling deeply. “I think that should do it. I wasn’t a nurse or anything but I did take some first aid classes in high school.”

He pulled his shirt back on, releasing a quiet groan, the bullet wound probably still tender. Thankfully, it appeared that it was just an extremely deep graze, the bullet not lodged anywhere in his abdomen. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” he grunted, giving me a puzzled look.

I realized that half the things I’d said only made sense if you’d lived before the bombs fell, and still not wanting to share too much with MacCready, I decided to change the subject. I stood, gesturing to the mattress.

“Do you want the bed? You’re still injured and I’ve already had a turn.”

He looked at me for a moment longer, and then shook his head. He bunched up his scarf and laid his head down on it, using his coat as a blanket. I frowned, lying back down hesitantly. I remained awake for a while, remembering everything I’d learned today, the close encounter with the deathclaw, and waking up in this shack. Part of me couldn’t believe MacCready had bothered to save me. When Virgil had threatened to crush my head, MacCready was right, he hadn’t flinched. Was he bluffing, or had he meant it?

 

******

 

In the morning MacCready and I didn’t speak other than muttering obligatory greetings, heading in the direction of Diamond City. I couldn’t get his words out of my head, the look of utter disappointment he’d displayed after I’d used the stimpak on him.

He didn’t strike me as the self-loathing type. We hadn’t spoken deeply in the two and a half days of travelling together, but when we did, he wasn’t anguished, wasn’t talking himself down. He ran from the deathclaw, afraid to die.

Of course, I had too.

And I was only fifty percent sure I still wanted to be alive. 

When we reached Diamond City, he parted from me, visiting Doctor Sun. I took the opportunity to go see Piper, saying hello to Nat on my way inside her home. I peeked in the red door, looking around.

“Piper?”

“Blue?”

She jogged down the stairs, grinning at me as she got to the ground floor. I came inside without her having to invite me, knowing she would eventually anyway. “You’re back! How did it go? Where did you go?”

“I went to the Glowing Sea and it went… well, I guess.”

“What the hell was in the Glowing Sea?” she asked, her eyes wide with curiosity.

“An institute scientist.”

“How was he hanging out in the Glowing Sea? Power armor? Radiation suit?”

“A giant hamster ball, actually.”

“A what?”

I laughed, plopping down onto her couch, running my hands through my matted hair. 

“Nothing, don’t worry about it. Anyway, he gave me some information on how to get into the Institute.”

Piper leaned against one of the many desks in her house, folding her arms.

“He did!? What did he tell you you have to do?”

“I have to kill a Courser.”

“Oh- oh wow. How are you going to do that? Do you need help?”

I shook my head.

“I’ve still got MacCready with me.”

“Why are you dragging that merc around with you? You know Nick and I want to help you,” she pressed, her dark eyes drilling into me. My mouth hung open for a moment as I considered my words carefully. I knew that if I told her I was afraid to get them hurt, she would just argue that they were allowed to make their own decisions. And she was right.

“Well, I’ve already paid for him, so I might as well get my moneys worth, right?”

She rolled her eyes. We spoke for a while and eventually I checked my pipboy, discovering it was one o’clock. I needed to see Doctor Sun myself and I hadn’t eaten since we’d been at Virgil’s the day before. 

Upon exiting Piper’s home, I noticed MacCready at the noodle stand. I pondered on whether I should let him know where I’d been but decided against it. Instead I suffered through the process of being cleansed of any radiation I’d been exposed to. 

Once I was done, I found MacCready still at the noodle stand and grabbed his shoulder. He bristled under my touch, but I didn’t remove my hand, only noticed my wedding band glinting in light of the afternoon sun. I blinked, coming back to reality, meeting MacCready’s confused stare.

“You ready?” I asked, hoping to move on from the awkward moment. 

“Always am.”

“Good.”

With that, we set out on our journey to the CIT, travelling in silence like we had yesterday. It was a short trip and upon reaching the ruins, I tuned into the Courser signal Virgil had told me about. It took us about half an hour to locate the right building and in that time we only had to fend off a few raiders. We pushed into the main building, immediately discovering a few fresh bodies lying on the floor of the lobby.

“Gunners,” MacCready said with malice. I glanced over at him, nervous.

“You’re not going to leave me, are you?”

He rolled his shoulders, cracking his neck.

“No. I’ve got a job to do and I’m gonna get it done.”

We climbed to the next floor, no living Gunners in sight until we reached the third floor. We engaged them, the two of us taking them out with little to no trouble. We’d flank them, picking them off before they could notice us and defend themselves as often as we could manage. We heard a couple of them referring to the Courser, mostly in a state of panic, which was promising. It meant we were in the right building. They also mentioned a girl, someone that the Courser was trying to get to. She must have been a synth. 

“We’re just getting the Courser, okay?” MacCready had hissed as we’d checked an empty room.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

“Whoever that girl is, she's not our problem.”

“Yeah, I know.”

There was a pause. 

“You're going to try and save her, aren't you?” 

“I mean, we might as well. We’re in the neighborhood.”

He'd groaned but didn't argue as we continued to scour the building. Unfortunately, it was a goddamn maze. We climbed collapsed ceilings onto new floors, went up and down new sets of stairs and checked inside every room. It was getting incredibly tedious and was grating on my already fragile nerves. 

“God, this is impossible-”

“Sh,” MacCready said, holding a hand out in front of me, his eyes glazed over as he listened for something that I couldn’t hear. It was then a voice drifted down the stairwell we were in. 

“I told you, I don't know the password,” a male voice whined. I could perfectly picture the sweat on his brow, the mask of stressed terror, the potential for tears in his eyes. “I’m telling the truth.”

“I don’t believe you are,” a very smooth, controlled voice said, void of emotion. It sent chills down my spine. The courser.

“Oh, god… please, no! You don’t have to do thi-”

There a was the familiar bang of a gunshot that made me jump, despite how I’d adjusted to the sound. I glanced at MacCready, who flexed his jaw, his eyes boring into the doorway at the top of the stairs. 

“All he had to do was tell me the password. Now, are you going to cooperate?”

“Oh god, oh god-”

“Tell me.”

“Oh god- okay, okay! J-just don’t shoot! Let me think!”

Another gunshot. I was lightheaded, my palms slick against the grip of my gun and I closed my eyes. It was like this anytime I was doing something that would lead me to Shaun. They were some of the few moments in which death terrified me. When I was walking aimlessly around the Wastes, fighting random raiders, super mutants, and oversized bugs, I felt nothing. I ducked, I covered, I fired back, but there was no pressure. 

I was feeling the pressure now. Killing this Courser would help get me into the institute. It was one part of a key.

“I’m going to get in there. It’s just a matter of time,” the Courser said, and then continued, this time a tiniest note of anger in his level tone. “Tell me the password.”

“Look, I already told you, I don’t have it,” A Gunner insisted.

MacCready and I looked at each other.

“We should just push up there,” I whispered. He nodded rigidly.

“Guns blazing.”

I started to smile.

“Exactly.”

Without another word I threw myself up the stairs, skidding through the doorway, my gun held high. In the split second between entering the area and firing my gun, I analyzed the situation as best I could. There were Gunners kneeling on the ground, their hands bound behind their backs, and a man in a strange, black coat with a laser pistol in his hands standing behind them. I couldn't see where the girl they'd spoken of was. I shot at The Courser, hitting him in the stomach.

MacCready landed a shot in his shoulder and the Courser raised his gun at us, disappearing like Kellogg had. I released an infuriated cry, wondering why everyone but me could make themselves invisible. 

“Son of a-” MacCready muttered. 

We both ducked down, scuttling behind the row of Gunners who kept their heads hung, their shoulders hunched, making no attempt to flee. 

To my left was what appeared to be a completely destroyed elevator shaft, the only thing left were the metallic bones and a cage stretching between the frame. There was a few feet of space between the elevator shaft and the railing I clung to with my left hand.

This was relevant because about thirty seconds after the Courser disappeared, a hand wrapped around my vault suit and raised me over the empty space. I shrieked, dropping my gun -something that was beginning to become a bit of a bad habit- and gripped onto the invisible hand for dear life.

“MacCready!” 

He was already standing, his gun raised above his head and he brought it down as I spoke, slamming it onto the Courser’s head. Unfortunately, this blow made the Courser release me, flickering back into view and facing MacCready. I screamed again, falling about three feet, my sweating hands latching onto the railing. My shoulders whined in protest as my full weight came down and I gritted my teeth, using all my strength to remain dangling on the rail.

From my awkward angle all I could see was MacCready pull the trigger a few times and the Courser stumbling back, becoming invisible.

“MacCready!” I cried, hanging my head and really taking in the massive drop below me. “I would love to not die!”

He held onto my forearms and I let go of the rail, allowing him to wrench me over it. We both fell to the ground, my arms draped around his neck, my head buried in his shoulder. We quickly untangled ourselves and I picked up my gun that had thankfully not plummeted into the depths of the building.

Feeling rather frustrated for almost being killed three seconds into the fight, I pulled out a frag grenade I’d collected during my travels, hurling it in the direction the Courser had gone. MacCready and I ducked, using the Gunners as a shield once more, the grenade going off a few seconds later. The Gunner at the front of the line was thrown a few feet towards us, most of his right side obliterated from the grenade. 

“Whoopsy,” I breathed, staring in bewilderment at the gruesome corpse.

MacCready ignored it, aiming his gun at the injured Courser who had made himself visible. I did the same, closing an eye and sticking my tongue out of the side of my mouth as I did my best to shoot at his head.

The Courser shot back, ignoring the bullets that hit him in varying spots on his torso, and MacCready leaned down behind a Gunner, whose head exploded a moment later. Blood and brain matter splattered across both of us, blinding me. 

“Jesus!” I gasped. 

I wiped at my face with my sleeve, my stomach churning as I tried to ignore what it was that I was drenched in. Abruptly a pain ripped through my collar area and I was sent backwards. My head cracked against the floor, white flashing behind my eyes. 

There was no time to sit and process what had happened to me because a split second later, my vault suit caught on fire, starting from where I must have been hit by the Coursers later pistol. My back arched off the ground as I expelled an agonized wail, feeling as if my skin were melting all around where I'd been hit. 

MacCready said something to me, but I couldn't hear it through my own cries and the thundering of my pulse in my ears. I'd been clipped by bullets, I'd been punched, kicked and had grenades go off barely a safe distance away from me. I'd never felt the pain of a laser though. 

It was unbearable, searing hot while at the same time creating an uncomfortable numbness at the exact point where it must have hit. Not too mention my clothing was still burning. MacCready ripped off his trench coat, smothering the small flames, barely dousing any of my pain. 

It was all too much, a complete overload of all my senses, the smell of charred flesh in my nose, the excruciating sensation of having a hole drilled into the space just below my collarbone as well as my skin melting and bubbling. Darkness leaked into my vision and I took in a high pitched breath, trying to keep breathing, to stay awake. I had no idea what had happened to the Courser and if he was still up and gunning for us, we were sitting ducks. Of course, something told me that if we were still in danger MacCready would be tending to that, rather than to me. 

As my mind reeled from the wound, my eyes slipped shut, and the world faded away. 

 

“Goddammit!” 

MacCready’s furious voice leaked into my mind and my eyes drifted open, heavy. My shoulder area felt as if it were still on fire and I tried to sit up, to fight the haze that had enveloped my mind. Where were we? “Stay down.”

He pressed a hand to my shoulder and I shrieked, pain lancing through my collar. “Shi- crap. Sorry. Just stop- don't try and move.”

“But I'm on fire,” I slurred, struggling to keep my eyes open. 

“Not anymore.”

“Oh… Good.” 

A smile reached my lips as I gazed through lidded eyes at the broken skylight above us. Then a wave of flames rolled through me from the hole in my skin and I stifled a scream, biting in my bottom lip, squeezing my eyes shut.

“I'm looking for a stimpak, it's gonna be okay,” MacCready growled from beside me, almost sounding annoyed with me for being injured, digging around in my backpack. 

“O… kay…”

 

“Violet, Violet, wake up!”

I took in a deep breath, the bright light from above stabbing into my opening eyes as I was drawn out of unconsciousness. I met MacCready’s intense stare, frowning. “Are you with me?”

“Where?” I asked, groggily shifting my head back and forth in a poor attempt to assess where we were. “What's going on?”

“You're hurt, we need to get out of here. I need you to stay awake.”

“I’m… I’m so tired…” I mumbled, closing my eyes. 

MacCready grabbed my hand and the shoulder that wasn't radiating with pain, squeezing. 

“I know you're tired, I know. But you've gotta stay awake. I'm gonna help you stand.”

He let go of me, sliding an arm under my back, slowly lifting me into a sitting position. I felt a twinge of pain and I gasped my eyes falling down to the source of the discomfort. An area of about three inches in radius was gone from my vault suit, the edges singed and stained red in patches. My exposed skin was a bloody, bubbling mess, a small hole in the center that looked like I'd been stabbed with a fire poker. 

The sight must have shocked me back into reality, the fog created by the extent of my injury evaporating. 

“Jesus Christ!” I said, the only thing stopping me from falling back onto the floor was MacCready's arm supporting me. 

“Yeah, I know, you're disgusting. Let's get out of here. I don't feel like bumping into more Gunners.”

He helped me to my feet, my legs wobbling a little, something I wasn't proud of. He lead me towards the stairwell, walking a little faster than I could manage at this point in time. 

“What happened to the Courser?”

“I finished it off. Sorry if you wanted to finish him off yourself.”

“I was… going to bathe in his blood to celebrate my victory, but it’s fine. As long as you got the chip-”

“Wait!” A female voice cried. I swiveled my head around, searching for the owner. “Please don't leave me!”

I broke away from MacCready crossing the room in the direction I’d heard her call out from.

“In here!” 

I spotted a window leading into a storage closet, bars stretching from either side. Standing in the room was a woman, her eyes wide, frightened, her hair and clothes disheveled.

“You're the girl they were all after, aren't you?” 

“Kenner, come on. You need a doctor and I need a drink. Or a smoke.”

I tossed an irritated look over my shoulder. 

“I'm not leaving her, MacCready.”

He groaned, throwing his hands up in exasperation much like a child would. I looked back at the woman. 

“How do I get you out of there?”

She reached an arm through, pointing. 

“The password for the door is in the toolbox under the stairs.”

Her voice wavered, as if she were still terrified even though the danger had passed.

I headed to the staircase, ignoring the way my vision was swaying, the throbbing in my collar that seemed to occur exactly every ten seconds like clockwork. I spotted the red toolbox sitting on top of a pile of rubble and retrieved the small piece of paper that was nestled inside. As I reached the terminal and began punching in the password, MacCready came up beside me. 

“How do you know she isn't a threat?” He hissed in my ear. 

“She's unarmed, she's locked away, and she's scared. She’s just a runaway synth.”

“Ah, yes, an institute toy. How comforting.” 

The door clicked, unlocking and I grinned. MacCready held onto my elbow and it was then that I realized I was lightly swaying. There was sweat plastering my hair to my forehead. He leaned in, his face only a few inches from mine, his blue eyes smoldering. “If she's dangerous, you're going to be useless in a fight. And I can't say I'm too keen on getting in another fight with a synth just to save your ass.”

I stepped to the side, my face still right in his. 

“Then don't. I don't care. But I know I won't be able to live with myself if I just leave her in there.”

I shoved open the door and immediately she fell into me, throwing her arms around my neck, hanging off of me like a curtain. 

“Thank you so much,” she sobbed into my neck. My laser wound burned and it took all my self control not to shove her off of me. 

“Uh, no problem. What were you doing locked in here?”

She pulled away, letting go, and taking in a heavy breath. 

“The Gunners, they kidnapped me. I'd been running from the institute for so long and then they found me, knew what I was. They were going to sell me or kill me- they were going to do something bad to me. But then the Courser found us.”

“Well, the Courser is dead now. You're safe, um…?”

“My... Institute designation is K1-98. But I prefer Jenny,” she said with a tired smile. 

“You’re safe, Jenny.”

MacCready sighed.

“If you guys are done braiding each other's hair, could we get out of here?”

“Are you okay?” I asked her, pretending not to hear him. “Do you need us to take you somewhere?”

“No, you've already done more than enough for me. I know somewhere safe I can go.”

“Alright. Good luck, Jenny.” 

I turned away from her, stepping back through the door, collapsing to the ground a second later. Jenny gasped and MacCready knelt down beside me, pulling me to my feet. I tried to stand but we head was swimming, floating. With another sigh, MacCready scooped me up into his arms and my eyes fluttered shut involuntarily.

“You're such an idiot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a big fan of the fact that at the beginning of the chapter MacCready is hurt and at the end of the chapter Violet is hurt buuuuut c'est la vie. Also, I talked to my fiancé and my friend about what would happen if you were shot with a laser in the fallout universe and my friend talked about how the game explains it to you in some way but I can't remember when or what it says (except for how you can sometimes gooify targets). Anyway, the point is, my convoluted search resulted in Violet's melty, bubbly, cauterized wound. Anyway, thanks again for the support, it doesn't ever go unnoticed! Also, I'm leaving for a vacation tomorrow and won't be back until Monday but hopefully I will still be able to update in the middle of the night on a Tuesday (or the beginning of Wednesday. Whatever).


	6. That's singing me to sleep

I was in and out of consciousness for three days. MacCready had carried me all the way to Diamond City, despite my garbled protests between bouts of unconsciousness. I don't know if it was because I was so injured, or it was because my body needed to recuperate, or because the universe had decided I'd been punished enough for now, but I was finally given some peace.

When I did wake up for good, I discovered MacCready was gone and in his stead was Piper. I was in my own home, but she had apparently been staying there for the duration of my brief coma.

"Hey Blue," she said, kneeling beside my bed that was just another lumpy mattress on the floor.

I smiled, my eyes still a little heavy.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, my voice sounding as if my vocal chords had been through a blender.

"Someone had to keep an eye on you since you're not willing to take care of yourself." She was smiling but the expression was rigid, masking something else. "Why didn't you take Nick and I, Blue? Just because MacCready was there? You don't have a one person limit, you can have multiple people helping you at a time."

"You two aren't human shields, even if you were both... there, I still might have gotten hit," I said, knowing my argument was feeble. I sat up, propping myself up against the wall, a minimal twinge of pain in my collar. “Where’s MacCready? Noodle stand?”

Piper raised an eyebrow, her lips still set in a hard, disapproving line.

“No, he left. Went back to wherever he crawled out of.”

“Oh… I guess that makes sense.”

"Did you forget?” she asked.

“Forget what?”

“Sending him away?”

I scrunched my brow together, my murky mind reeling at the lack of sense she was making.

“What do you mean? I didn’t send him away. He was just done.”

“Done? Huh… I didn’t know that was how he operated. Most mercs stick with whoever paid them until they’re told they can go or until the person dies. But MacCready’s got a quota or something?”

“I- I don’t know…”

"Is she awake?" Doctor Sun's familiar voice called from below.

"Yep!"

I held in a groan, wishing I could have woken up a little more before being confronted by the doctor. Not to mention how much more confused I’d become due to my forming questions regarding MacCready. Of course I was grateful for whatever Doctor Sun had done for me while I'd been asleep and this would give me a chance to thank him. But still, I wanted a few more minutes before being harassed with questions and healthcare advice.

Doctor Sun came up the stairs, holding a bag of medical supplies.

"She's all yours," Piper said, patting my knee and then getting to her feet. Without a goodbye she headed downstairs, the sound of the door closing reaching my ears a moment later.

"How are you feeling?" he said, more out of obligation than actually concern.

"Better. It's still a little sore but nothing like it was when I got it."

"Good."

He retrieved his stethoscope and put it over his ears, pressing it to the left side of my chest that was thankfully unscathed. I realized then that I was only wearing the white tank top that I wore under my vault suit and my bra with the right strap pulled down and a loose pair of sweatpants. I hoped Piper had been the one to redress me. Even the doctor would be preferred over MaCcready.

The doctor made no remark about my vitals and instead dropped the stethoscope, grabbing the edge of the bandage that was placed over my wound.

"We gave you a stimpak when you arrived, so that should speed up the healing process. I'm just going to change your bandage."

He peeled it off and I bit my lip, locking away and sign of weakness I'd wanted to emit. There was sticky, dried blood on the cotton of the bandage and he disposed of it quickly. Next, he swabbed it with a wet cloth, one that I highly doubted was clean -at least by my prewar standards.

I took the time to examine the wound while he prepared a new bandage. It wasn't nearly as grotesque as it had been upon receiving it. The melted skin still shone as it were made of plastic, but didn't glisten like it had when it was fresh. The area where the laser had gone in was stitched closed and swollen, the skin dry and cracked like a burn you'd get from touching a hot stove.

I looked away, cringing.

Doctor Sun placed the new bandage over my tender flesh. He smoothed the bandage quickly but all my muscles tensed and I twitched. “You need to eat more.”

I half smiled, amused in spite of the stinging in my chest.

“Yeah, I know.”

“You’re extremely malnourished. Most people who spend a lot of time in the Wastes are. Also, I’d try avoiding laser fights from now on. As much as I enjoy taking your caps, you’re an alarmingly frequent patient. There’s not much else I can do for you now besides prescribe bed rest and consistently eating.”

I sighed, pushing my hair away from my eyes.

“I would, but I’ve got things I need to get done. I can’t really afford a week off.”

“You’re underweight, you’re fatigued, and you have several healing wounds. This world isn’t easy to survive in, but as a doctor I recommend you start taking better care of yourself. Or you’ll just make it easier for the Wastelands to take you down.”

I blinked, caught off guard by his words of wisdom. It wasn’t that I was purposefully skipping meals or sleeping short hours. It just didn’t fit into my schedule of vengefully scouring the Commonwealth in search of my son. “You said you have things you need to get done. You can’t do that if you’re dead.”

“O-okay. I’ll work on it. Thank you,” I said. “Did MacCready or Piper pay you already? Or did you go through my bag already?”

“Piper invaded your privacy for me.” He closed his bag, standing and brushing off his coat. “Just consider taking care of yourself, alright?”

“Alright,” I smiled, though my stomach was twisting into knots. He walked himself out of the house, leaving me lying in silence, and I watched the dust dance in the air. Light streamed in from the cracks in my walls and ceiling.

I blinked, tears welling in my eyes as I was hit by an onslaught of memories. Of my living room, my familiar couch, codsworth floating in the kitchen. Shaun asleep in his crib. Nate wrapping his arms around me, placing gentle kisses on the top of my head.

A sob broke through my chest and I covered my mouth, closing my eyes. It felt like my ribs were trying to crack open, release all the pain, the misery and I curled in on myself. I slid an arm around my torso, clutching my side, the worn fabric of my shirt feeling as if it might rip from the pressure. I was falling apart. I was ruined.

Breakdowns like this were not uncommon during my first two weeks out of the vault, but they’d become fewer and fewer as the days had passed. I’d gone a little over a week now without experiencing crippling bouts of heartbreak like this.

I clenched my eyes shut tighter, gritting my teeth, willing it away, willing myself to get over it. There was nothing I could do. Nate was gone, Shaun was with the institute. I was horribly and undeniably alone in the cruel world. An outsider who should have died a long time ago. I was an intruder. I shouldn’t keep fighting to be alive in a time in which I didn’t belong.

“Come on,” I breathed, opening my eyes, tears dripping free as I glared desperately at the rays of light above my head.

I remembered the Shaun in Kellogg’s memories. Ten or eleven. My baby so much older than I’d ever expected him to be. He undoubtedly had no idea who I was, that someone was tearing apart the Commonwealth looking for him.

It made it so much easier to give up. To lay down and die right here on my thin mattress. No one would realize I was gone before it was too late. Piper was too mad at me for leaving her behind to check on me anymore, I was sure of it.

I shook my head, closing my eyes once more, my lower lip quivering. I couldn’t afford to think like that. It was too real.

Doctor Suns words echoed in my head.

_You said you have things you need to get done. You can’t do that if you’re dead._

Even if Shaun didn’t know who I was, didn’t know he had been taken away from me, I still had to find him. I owed him that. I owed Nate his revenge. Although I felt alone now, I still had family. I still had my son, he just wasn’t with me. But he could be if I just kept fight.

A shaking breath passed my lips and I laid my head against the wall. I just had to keep fighting. The pain would never leave, but it would lessen. I could heal. I only had to let myself.

******

The next morning I tied my hair into a ponytail and slid back into my familiar vault suit, examining the large hole in the collar area. I pulled on a leather jacket I’d scavenged a few weeks ago, zipping it so that my exposed bandage was covered.

I headed to the front door, shoving it open, almost headbutting Piper.

“Hey there.”

“Blue, you scared me,” she said, exhaling heavily. “I thought I’d check and make sure you hadn’t died.”

There was a pause.

“You kind of were hoping I had died, right?”

“Well, I did notice you had a decent amount of caps tucked away-” she cut herself off, shoving my good shoulder, though it did make the bad one sting. “Of course I wanted you to be alive.”

Despite her snapping, she was smiling.

“I was kind of worried you were done with me.”

She rolled her eyes, saying, “Don’t be so dramatic. But maybe you should go by Nick’s some time? After he gets done with the job he’s on right now? He’s worried.”

I bit my lip, rubbing the back of my neck.

“Okay. I will.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to Goodneighbor- just to talk to someone, not to get in another fight!” I said, noticing the way indignation lit her face the moment I’d mentioned leaving. “I need someone to explain how this Courser Chip works and I think doctor Amari can help.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“It’s just Goodneighbor, Piper-”

“Oh, cut the shit, Blue. No arguing. You’re injured all over and you’re bound to run into super mutants or raiders. Forget whatever idiotic vow you made to get yourself killed and let me come with you.”

I sighed, my head fall back, my lip pulling up on one side. Next time I found myself in a crumpled pile crying, I should remember this moment. Remember that there were people in this strange new world who cared about me.

“Alright, alright. Let’s get going then.”

“Let me get some supplies and say goodbye to Nat,” she said, turning and hurrying in the direction of her home.

The trip to Goodneighbor was short and uneventful, which my healing body was grateful for. Despite sleeping for almost four days straight, I still felt exhausted, physically drained. After speaking with Amari maybe I would stay in town for a few days, book a room at the Hotel Rexford.

We walked into the Memory Den and Irma was in the same lounge as before. It was one o’clock in the afternoon now and I wondered if she ever moved. She didn’t speak with either of us and I walked past her, smiling for the sake of politeness. Dr. Amari was tinkering with the large computer like she had been the day I’d met her and she turned at the sound of our footsteps, recognition touching her face as she saw me.

“You’re back! Virgil? What happened?”

“Oh, you know, took a radiation bath, hung out with a big, green guy. Then I pulled this encoded chip out of a Courser’s neck. He was not happy.”

Her eyebrows shot up.

“A Courser Chip? You fought a Courser? Oh, my god!” She took a split second to process what I’d said and then gave me an apologetic look. “Unfortunately, I can’t help you. I’ve worked on a lot of Synths, but never a Courser. I don’t know what the chip does, let alone how to decode it.”

My heart sank in my chest at the idea of having to go back to Virgil.

The decision not to go to the Glowing Sea and talk to Virgil about the chip had been an easy one. I wasn’t going back in there alone and I sure as hell wasn’t bringing Nick or Piper. But now it seemed I might have not have a choice.

Doctor Amari continued, “But there are people who might. I work with a group that, well, they’re the only ones I know that even have a chance at cracking institute security.” She lowered her voice ever so slightly. “They’re called the Railroad.”

“You’ve worked with the Railroad?” Piper asked, quirking her eyebrows, an incredulous smile on her face. She asked it out of surprise and yet it had still sounded like she was suddenly interviewing the scientist.

“The Railroad?” I asked, lost.

“They help synths escape the institute. I don’t know who they all are. Usually, an agent of theirs just shows up with someone who needs new memories,” Doctor Amari said. Piper nodded understandingly from beside me and I was sure she was fighting the urge to remove a pen and notebook and write all this down. “One of them gave me a code phrase. Said it would help me find them if there was ever an emergency. ‘Follow the Freedom Trail’.”

I sighed.

“That’s what I like to hear! A cryptic clue. You know, I’ve often said finding things in the Wasteland is too easy. Haven’t I, Piper?” I looked at her and she just rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry, thank you for all your help. I’m not making a jab at you. We’ll get out of your hair.”

I turned, walking towards the door when she called out, “If it helps, I remember there was a prewar landmark with a similar name. I’d start there! Good luck!”

I waved, without stopping or looking back at her and Piper and I headed out of the Memory Den.

“You okay, Blue?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. But I’m not going to look for the Railroad. At least not yet. I’m… I’m tired.”

The look she gave me was sympathetic, full of pity, and I hated it. I’d always hated feeling vulnerable, opening up to people, letting them see the sad little girl that I was inside. When Nate and I had been dating for almost a year that had been the subject of our first big fight. How I never let him in, never let him see me cry, or hurt. Over time I learned to let him see me at my worst and slowly the embarrassment of someone seeing me exposed like that ebbed away.

Nate was the only one though. So now, as Piper extended her compassion, my stomach churned and I smiled. “I really am fine, Piper. But I’m going to take… a week, maybe less, maybe more off. You can go back to Diamond City. I’ll let you know if I need you.”

She opened her mouth to argue, but I interrupted. “Piper, there’s no point making you wait around Goodneighbor. I’m going to be holed up in my hotel room.” She glared at me, and it took all my self control to open up to her one more time, just a tiny bit. “Please… I just… I need to be alone for a while.”

I wanted to punch myself in the face, hating the pathetic tone of my voice. It had been a legitimate show of emotions but that just made the whole thing worse. She sighed, mirroring myself in Diamond City when I’d given in and let her come with me just a few hours ago.

“Fine. Fine! But if you die, so help me, Blue… I’ll bring you back just to kill you myself!”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” I said, patting her shoulder.

We said goodbye and I was left standing in front of the Memory Den all alone. I exhaled slowly, putting my hands on my hips. What was I going to do now? I hadn’t relaxed since being unfrozen, spending every waking moment either looking for Shaun, thinking about looking for Shaun, or crying.

In my whole time in the Commonwealth I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol and I decided to remedy that situation. I travelled the small distance between the Memory Den and the Third Rail, nodding at the bouncer before descending the stairs.

As I passed through the crowded bar, I glanced at the cardboard VIP Lounge sign, thinking about MacCready. Should I go thank him for bringing me to Diamond City? He’d probably hate that. I smiled, making a mental note of doing so purely to annoy him at a later date during my stay here.

I sat down at the bar, being greeted by the gruff Mr. Handy behind the counter.

“Oi, we got beer. And if you ain’t buyin’ beer, you ain’t buyin’.”

“Huh, okay,” I said. I was briefly mulling over if I really wanted to try whatever the Wasteland classified as ‘beer’ when the bartender spoke again.

“Well, are you going to order somethin’ or not?”

I raised my eyebrows.

“How do you expect me to choose so quickly when you offer such a vast array of drinks?”

“Order up or forever hold your damn mouth shut.”

I laughed, still caught off guard by his rude demeanor, but loving every second of it. Codsworth would have never spoken to me in this way. If Codsworth had even heard someone speak to me the way this Mr. Handy was, he probably would have self-destructed or all his arms would have fallen off from sheer shock.

I ordered a beer and it was just as bad as I expected. I hadn’t been a huge fan before the bombs had fallen anyway, but I choked it down, only to realize he really did have drinks other than beer after I was finished.

And so began my afternoon spent throwing back shots and trying a few of the other alcoholic beverages the Third Rail had to offer. By the time it was night I was… well, wasted. I was laughing at terrible jokes, socializing with the other patrons of the bar, and Whitechapel Charlie- the bartender- had somewhat warmed up to me in the hours I’d spent sitting directly in front of him.

“You need to leave,” he said, staring at me with his big… googly eyes.

“What? Charlie- my friend, why? I’m happy here,” I slurred, raising my empty glass towards him. The ghoul sitting beside me laughed, looking at the robot.

“Yeah, let her stay. We haven’t had someone this ridiculous roll in in years.”

“Don’t… you want me to be happy, Ch-Charlie?”

He scoffed, turning away and cleaning a glass. The three of us at the counter cheered and I raised my arms above my head, almost falling off of my stool. I caught myself clumsily, laughing, still leaning dangerously off the back of the chair.

“Violet?” a familiar voice said from behind me.

I turned my head, leaning back further and slid off the chair again. I squealed, and MacCready caught me by the waist, hoisting me back onto the stool. “What the hell are you doing here?”

I grinned, latching onto either of his shoulders.

“MacCready! MacCreeeaady! MacCready. Mac. Old Mac-Donald. How are you?” I said, shaking him and then letting go. He just kind of looked at me, swaying back and forth. Or was that me?

“You’re drunk,” he said.

“Drunk’s such a… harsh word. Accurate, too. But… haaarsh.”

He rolled his eyes.

“Aren’t you supposed to be resting?”

“Pfft…” I paused, thinking for a moment. “Maybe… I don’t remember. Why should I be… resting?”

“You got shot in the chest? Remember?” he said, gesturing to the bandage you could plainly make out through the hole in my vault suit. Where had my jacket gone?

“This? This is nothing.”

I grabbed the edge of the bandage, ripping it off. Pain shot through my collar and I gasped, hunching over. It had hurt here and there throughout the evening, but it had been easily ignored through the haze of alcohol. This had been a more direct pain, impossible to laugh or drink over. “You’re insane.”

I sat up, biting down on the inside of my cheek.

“I’m fiiiine! I’m fine. Charlie?” I faced the counter again, fighting through the throbbing of my wound. “Some vodka… would just be lovely.”

The robot laughed once, the sound abrupt and bitter.

“You’ve been cut off, love.”

My jaw hung open and I dropped both my hands onto the counter with a loud smack.

“Charlie- sweet, baby Charlie, don’t do this… to me,” I said, beginning to climb over the counter, my long hair falling over my face having been set free from my ponytail at some point in the evening.

“Oh, no you don’t,” MacCready sighed, pulling me off of the counter. I gasped as he threw me over his shoulder, the world swinging wildly. “Goodnight, Charlie.”

He turned, strolling towards the staircase as if I weighed nothing. I slammed my fists into his back, kicking my legs wildly. He was unbothered, climbing the steps with ease, acknowledging the bouncer as we passed.

“Put me down, put me down!”

Once we were outside he obliged, dropping me onto my feet. I stumbled back, unprepared for… gravity, and he reached out, holding onto one of my shoulders. I shoved his hand away, immediately falling onto the bench behind me with a loud thud. “Get your hands off of me y-you stupid hat wearing, money... stealing merc!”

He laughed, shaking his head, folding his arms.

“I really should leave you here. You’re not being very polite and I don’t really care about you.”

I scoffed, hunching forward slightly, my arms limp at my side.

“Oh, yeah? Is that why you… dragged me out here? Because you haaate me sooo much?”

His expression hardened but I didn’t ease up on the doubtful mask I was wearing. At least, I hoped I looked doubtful. It was probably more of a mildly sedated look at this point.

“What do you mean ‘money stealing’?” he asked suddenly, as if he only registered what I’d said in that moment.

I stood, swaying back and forth, jabbing an accusing finger at his chest.

“Piper told me about you mercs… Said that most stay until the person who pays them says they can go. But you just,” I fluttered my fingers in front of his eyes, “disappeared. I paid you… two hundred caps and you stayed me with for,” I drew a blank, fumbling for numbers, “one… _three_ days!

MacCready swatted my hands away gently, refolding his arms.

“Most people who hire me aren’t involved with the Institute. And don’t take me to the Glowing Sea. Or make me help them kill a Courser!” he said. I rolled my eyes, dropping back onto the bench.

“So you’re saying… most of the people who hire you are boring?”

He stifled a smile.

“I almost died twice because of you!”

“I almost died twice as well, but you don’t see me complaining,” I argued. “What’s a f-few bullet wounds among friends?”

He just looked at me for a moment, as if he was contemplating ditching me on this bench. I would be fine, I knew which way the hotel was. Didn’t I? The world was still heaving like water and it made it a little harder to orient myself.

He extended a hand and I stared at it, unsure of what he wanted me to do with it.

“I’m taking you to the Hotel Rexford. Come on.”

I grabbed his hand and he hauled me to my feet, an action that made my sensitive stomach do flips. I hunched over, putting a hand on my mouth and swallowing in an attempt to ease my nausea. MacCready sighed agitatedly and lifted me into his arms like he had back at the CIT. Being picked up like that didn’t do nice things to my stomach either and I locked my mouth shut.

It was later than I’d expected and the streets of Goodneighbor were desolate beside a few guards. They eyed us and I knew MacCready must have hated every second of this attention. I was more focused on how much I hated the twisting in my stomach and the sting in my chest.

It felt like the walk to the hotel took years and soon I was involuntarily lying my head against his shoulder, my eyes fluttering closed. I heard him speak to someone and then next thing I knew I was being placed on a bed.

My eyes opened and I saw him standing beside me, tall and strong.

“Nate,” I hummed, smiling softly. “When did you get here?”

“Who?”

“I… I’ve been having the strangest month…” I closed my eyes, the world becoming fuzzy. “I missed you…”

It was then that my nausea reached it’s climax and I threw my upper half over the side of the bed, vomiting onto his feet.

“Jesus Christ!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post, I went to San Diego comic con and I even though I brought my laptop on my vacation... I did nothing. The only time I touched it was when I played sims 4 one time. Anyway, I didn't edit the first part of this chapter very closely but it's my fiancé's birthday and I need to go get ready to go out and so I'll edit it more closesly later probably I'm sorry byyyye
> 
> (Also, I love you.)


	7. You are the other half

I hadn’t been hung over in… well, in over two hundred years now. Nate and I had gone to a friends birthday party about three years before the bombs fell and we’d had a little too much fun. After that, I’d sworn off heavy drinking.

I’d forgotten about that vow last night.

I stayed in bed for the entire next day, only leaving my rented room to go buy myself a can of purified water. I nursed at it between napping. The following morning I was completely recovered and knew I needed to talk to MacCready about getting what I paid for.

Unfortunately, he was in the Third Rail and I really didn’t feel like facing everyone in there. I couldn’t remember the entire evening, but I knew that I’d undoubtedly behaved in an embarrassing manor.

I got to the entrance of the subway station and took in a heavy breath, hoping it would rein in my anxiety. Maybe no one would remember me. It was one drunken night, that was sure to happen with loads of people, even regulars to the bar. I nodded at the bouncer, trotting down the stairs, adopting a confident air that definitely didn’t reach beyond my exterior.

I reached the bar floor and immediately the room erupted in cheers, my stomach dropping. I looked at all the people sitting around the lounge, who were clapping and whooping, heat going through me as if there was a hot spotlight trained on my face. Magnolia, the lounge singer who I vaguely remembered speaking to during my bender, gestured towards me, grinning.

“Violet Kenner, everyone!”

My jaw dropped and my head whipped around, expecting to find cameras or something. Was this real life? What did I do? I put a smile on my face that I was sure was the most awkward thing on earth. I waved, slinking away from everyone and ducking into the VIP lounge. Once I was out of view the bar released disappointed cries and then returned to their previous volume.

Sitting on the same couch he’d been on when I met him a little over a week and a half ago was MacCready, a smirk on his face.

“ _What did I do_?” I asked quietly, approaching him.

He shrugged, still amused.

“I’m not sure. I heard there was some table dancing, some singing. Apparently you kissed Magnolia after the whole bar coaxed the two of you into it. Well, you tried. You missed.”

I covered my mouth, my eyes popping wide and my face turning scarlet.

“Oh no!”

“Also, you threw up on my shoes. So thanks for that.”

I cringed, stepping backwards and leaning against the wall opposite of him.

“Seriously? I’m so sorry… God, this is why I quit drinking.”

We were silent for a moment and then he sighed, resting his elbows on his knees, gazing at me inquisitively.

“So, what do you need? I’m guessing you don’t remember our discussion last night.”

I bit my lip.

“That’s a safe assumption,” I said.

“I think your exact words were that I’m a ‘Stupid-hat-wearing, money-stealing merc’. Or something along those lines.”

I buried my face in my hands, groaning.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You weren’t being painfully nice, which was a welcome surprise. I don’t think you should quit drinking after experiencing you like that,” he said, half smiling.

“Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I mean, I might have been harsh but it’s not like I was wrong.”

He laughed, stunned by my honesty. He fell against the couch, his long arms spread across the back.

“Oh yeah? You think so?”

“I paid you two hundred caps and you bailed on the job. Sounds like you stole money from me,” I said, folding my arms. I gave him a curt smile and he shook his head.

“Look, Violet, I’ll tell you what I told you last night. You’re job- the one where I get dragged into Institute business and have to fight Coursers and run around the Glowing Sea? It’s more than a two hundred caps job. I even gave you a discount from the usual two fifty, a decision I’ve been questioning since I made it. But you’re right. I usually would stay with the client until they told me I could go -unless they die- but _you_ ,” he pointed at me, looking up from under the brim of his hat, “are the exception to that rule.”

I mulled over his words for a split second. He wasn’t wrong, my job was one filled with danger, chaos, and radiation, I didn’t blame him for feeling like he’d undercharged me. The question was though, was I desperate enough for his help to convince him to join me again? I thought about bringing Piper or Nick on any of my more perilous missions and my stomach flipped.

Of course, after only spending a week with MacCready, the idea of him getting hurt on my account ate at me a little. But he was more experienced than Piper, and more skilled than Nick with a firearm, also having the advantage of being able to take enemies out from a distance.

“Violet?” he said, drawing my attention back to him. “Your brain shut down?”

“What if I give you a hundred more caps?” I asked, ignoring his question.

His eyebrows shot up and he stood, crossing the small space between us. He extended his hand towards me.

“Deal.”

I grinned, shaking it briskly.

“Perfect. I wanted to set out as soon as possible, is that okay?”

He shrugged. “Fine with me.”

I nodded, spinning around and striding towards the hall. His fingers wrapped around my bicep and I faced him, raising my right eyebrow, ignoring the everlasting tenderness of the stitches still in my face.

He spoke before I could, “Who’s Nate?”

It felt like he’d slapped me in the face, despite the delicate tone he’d used and his clearly innocent intentions.

“How did you…” I asked, gaping at the floor, my brow knitting together.

“I took you to the Hotel Rexford to put you to bed -just to put you to bed- and you called me Nate,” he explained, still being flabbergastingly gentle with me.

I swallowed, nodding absently. I made eye contact with him, the red lightbulb above us casting a shadow over his eyes.

“He’s my husband- I mean- he _was_ my husband,” I said, my throat tight.

He released my arm, having been holding it during the duration of the conversation, reaching into the pocket of his trenchcoat. He pulled out a familiar, rusted, gold chain, Nate’s wedding ring dangling at the end. I gasped, reflexively reaching out for it, cupping the band in my open palm.

“How did you get this?” I snapped, furiously glowering up at him.

He dropped the chain and it coiled in my hand. I held it to my chest as if he might try and take it from me.

“When you got shot by the Courser it fell off. The clasp broke. I’m sorry,” he murmured, adjusting his hat. “I was going to give it to you next time I saw you, but I figured you might lose it if I let you have it last night.”

My bottom lip was trembling and my instinct was to bolt out of the room, hide before I made more of a fool of myself. My plan to keep my life secret from him wasn’t going very well. He knew about Shaun, he knew about Nate now. The only thing I had left was the fact that I was roughly two hundred and thirty-four years old. Not that it really mattered if he knew that or not at this point.

“T-thank you.” A tear started to slip free and I quickly wiped under my eye with my closed fist. “God, I’m sorry, I know this is the last thing you want to see. Wait for me by Kill or Be Killed, I’ll be there in five.”

I whirled around, storming out of VIP Lounge and rushing up the stairs before anyone could notice me. I wheeled around the corner of the building, putting my back against the brick of the wall. I closed my eyes, craning my neck up so the sun warmed my face, breathing deeply in and out of my nose.

I tucked the ring into my pocket, planting my hand firmly over the fabric. I prayed it wouldn’t fall out before I could get to Sanctuary or Diamond City. I stayed there for another minute to be sure that I wasn’t on the verge of another breakdown.

MacCready was standing in front of Kill or Be Killed, leaning in the doorway. When he saw me he straightened.

“Are you… are you ready to go?” he asked, uncomfortable.

I wanted to die.

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

We were silent until we were about five minutes away from Goodneighbor. I was headed in the direction of the landmark Dr. Amari had told me about, knowing I’d seen it before the bombs had fallen.

“So, where are we going now? Gonna blow up the Brotherhood’s big balloon thing? Fight a behemoth? Infiltrate the Railroad?”

“Yes, actually!” I said.

His head whipped to the side and he raised his eyebrows, a breeze almost blowing off his hat. He slammed his hand on the top of his head to keep it on.

 _“What?_ Which one?”

“All of them!” I threw my hands above my head, giving him a scary excited grin. “Nah, just the Railroad one.”

His head fell back as he groaned.

“ _Why?”_

“Remember that Courser Chip we both almost died for? Well, I can’t do shit with it, but apparently someone’s that part of the Railroad can,” I said.

We reached the landmark Dr. Amari had spoken of and I examined the park with heavy scrutiny. It took me moment to recognize the area with it being as dilapidated as it was, the grass brittle and brown, the trees naked and jagged like they were everywhere else in the Wasteland. Nate and I had gone on our first date here. We’d had a picnic beside the pond that now looked like a giant mud puddle.

“Violet?”

I blinked, snapping out of my dazed thoughts, gawking up at MacCready.

“What?”

“You zoned out for a while there.” I noticed he was holding his pistol more offensively than before. “Is everything okay?”

I waved a hand dismissively, nodding.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m sorry, I was just… it looks so different here,” I said without thinking. He opened his mouth to question what I had said and I cut him off, “Don’t worry about it, let’s just find the Railroad.”

I pointed my pistol at the red brick line that lead to our right and MacCready wordlessly strolled beside me as I followed the trail. In front of every landmark we came across was another Freedom Trail marker, all of them with a faded red letter and number painted onto the metal. I punched each one into my pipboy, assuming they would end up being important.

Every now and then we’d stumble upon spots where the road was so abused and broken or covered in debris that the trail had been completely demolished, forcing us to look around for the continuation. Besides that though, we didn’t came across any problems, which surprised me, since we’d been walking around the Commonwealth for at least twenty minutes. There was almost always a super mutant, or a raider, or a feral ghoul waiting to spring upon you if you were out of a settlement for too long.

But we travelled undisturbed.

Finally we came to the Old North Church, a white lantern painted beside the door. MacCready and I exchanged a glance before I hesitantly pushed the door open. Like most buildings, the inside was run down and decrepit.

I ducked through a hole in the wall that lead to what must have been the chapel at some point. There were rows of rickety pews, massive chunks of wood planks from the upper floors in piles all over the wide open space, and mounds of bricks and rubble scattered everywhere.

I looked to my right and painted on a collapsed balcony was another white lantern. I cautiously made my way through the wreckage, peering into the doorway to the right of the lantern marker. I proceeded into the hall, then down the stairs, switching on my pipboys light. Though it helped me navigate, it cast an eerie green glow across every surface, making my stomach clench and my palms sweat.

As we delved deeper, the walls turned to ancient, crumbling bricks and the floor became rough stone, older than concrete. I charged around the corner, eyes on the ground, and barreled headlong into the chest of a feral ghoul.

It latched onto me, growling loudly, sending a chill down my spine and I shoved my gun to the bottom of it’s chin, pulling the trigger panickedly.

The top of it’s skull burst open, brain matter and blood raining over us as it fell limply to the ground. I breathed raggedly, hunching over and clutching my knee with my free hand.

“ _Jesus L. Christ_ ,” I muttered, regaining my composure.

“That was quick,” MacCready said from behind me, sounding amused.

I wiped my sleeve across my face, spitting on the ground, regardless of the fact that I hadn’t gotten any blood in my mouth. I huffed, agitated, the sound bouncing off the hollowed corridor.

In my month and a bit spent in the Commonwealth, my least favorite addition to the world was the feral ghouls that lay in alleys and dark corners, stumbling to life the moment they heard a footstep. Nate and I had gone to see a horror flick on one of our earlier dates, the antagonists being zombies.

Long story short, I didn’t sleep well for a week.

Feral ghouls felt like my nightmares come to life and every time I came across one it took all my courage to fight back and not curl into a terrified ball on the floor. Unfortunately, as we pressed through the maze like catacombs, we began to bump into one at every turn.

I pulled the trigger, unloading a clip into another feral ghoul’s chest, biting into the side of my cheek to keep myself from whimpering or squeaking. It dropped to the filthy ground beside one MacCready had disposed of, lifeless. I let the hand gripping my gun drop to my side, brushing the loose strands of hair that had fallen from my ponytail behind my ears.

“Lovely.”

I hurried forward, my muscles tensed as I anticipated another feral attack. Instead, I discovered a freedom marker in the wall, connected to some sort of small metal door in the brick. A red arrow was painted in the center circle, aimed at the letter above. Frowning, I reached out, pushing on the middle section. It went in, but nothing happened. I traced my fingertips over the letters on the marker, pressing down again. When again, nothing happened, I pushed sideways, the middle ring with the words spinning.

I beamed at the metal, spinning to an ‘R’ and pressed in the center again. Continuing the procedure, I spelled out ‘Railroad’, the word that the letters on the freedom markers had added up to.

I got to the ‘D’ at the end and pushed in the center one last time, the wall to the left of the marker shaking, moving back and to the right, brick grinding against the stone floor. The corridor it lead to was pitch black, the length indeterminable.

MacCready and I looked at each other, his expression apprehensive and mine undoubtedly not masking my fear. I crept into the darkness, keeping my pistol in front of me but aimed at the ground. I made it about ten feet, my pipboy illuminating a small set of stairs in front of me. As I made it to the bottom, a blaring light switched on, blinding me.

I threw my arm up over my eyes, flinching away from the brightness, holding my gun up.

“Stop right there,” a matured, female voice said.

I lowered my arm and my gun, my eyes adjusting slowly to the light. Standing on the opposite end of the small room from me were two women and a man, the floor on their end raised by about three feet so that they towered over us. The woman in between the two spoke again, saying, “You went through a lot of effort to arrange this meeting. But before we go any further, answer my questions.” There was a short pause. “Who the hell are you?”

I swallowed, grinding my teeth on one side, throwing up the walls I’d created after experiencing the cruelty the Wasteland could offer.

“Why don’t you tell me who you are first?”

Surprisingly, she didn’t seem irritated by my boldness and vague disrespect, and answered. She went into an explanation that I was sure she’d recited on many occasions.

“In a world full of suspicion, treachery, and hunters - we’re the synths’ only friends. We’re the Railroad.” Her tone became more commanding. “So answer my question.”

I moved closer, my hands up, wary.

“My name is Violet Kenner. I followed the Freedom Trail looking for the Railroad. I’m not your enemy.”

The woman smiled, though it held no warmth.

“If that’s true, you have nothing to fear. And who are you?”

MacCready opened his mouth to speak, but sensing the response would not exactly be friendly, I answered for him.

“He’s my friend. He came with me to make sure I was safe.”

MacCready gave me a side glance, and I knew I would probably get an earful later for referring to him as my ‘friend’. The woman appeared to be skeptical about my answer, probably already guessing that MacCready was a merc, judging by his belts of ammo and generally shady demeanor.

“Who told you how to contact us?”

I almost answered immediately, but then I wondered if Doctor Amari could get into trouble for telling me about the Railroad. It was a covert operation, constantly at risk of being discovered by the Brotherhood or Institute from what Piper had explained to me as we’d left the Memory Den two days ago.

“I don’t want to get anyone in trouble,” I murmured, lowering my hands, fighting the urge to hold my gun in a more defensive manor.

“We’ll find out, one way or another.”

Her answer sent chills down my spine and I wanted to inquire as to whether my source would be in trouble, but she continued. “Last question. Why are you here?”

That was a great question. Of course, the most pertinent answer was the Courser Chip. But would they really help me if I didn’t intend to return the favor? I was sure no matter what I was going to have to do something for them, but their end goal would be to recruit me to the Railroad -if they found I could be trusted.

So now I had to ask myself: Did I want to join the Railroad?

I decided to be straight-forward for now. The only group I’d aligned myself with was the Minutemen, and even then, it was in an extremely minor capacity. I wasn’t going to just jump into bed with an underground organization before investigating further.

“I have a Courser Chip and I need it decoded.”

The woman’s previous bravado shattered, her eyes bulging, her body naturally leaning forward, regardless of the five feet of distance between us.

“You have _what?_ This is not a joking matter.”

“I didn’t know we’re having a party. What gives with my invitation?” a man said, having entered the room without being noticed by any of us. He angled his head to look down at me. At least it seemed like he did, it was hard to tell with his eyes being concealed behind a pair of sunglasses. “Oh, I see you invited the Courser-killer. Nice.”

Exasperation leaked into the woman’s voice but was quickly replaced by curiosity. “Deacon, you’re late. You’re saying this intruder killed a Courser? Single-handedly? That’d give even Glory a run for her money.”

“It wasn’t really single-handed-”.

“News flash, boss, this lady is kind of a big deal.”

“Have we met?” I asked, entirely baffled by this man’s knowledge of my existence.

“I didn’t need to meet you to hear about you. You’ve made waves. The Railroad owes you a crate, hell a truckload, of Nuka Cola for what you did to Kellogg. He was our public enemy number one.”

My face warmed and I wished that any kind of compliment didn’t bring an inane blush to my cheeks.

“So you’re vouching for her?”

“Yes. Trust me, she’s someone we want on our side.”

“That changes things then. I owe you an apology. Anyone who kills a Courser is good in my book. I’m Desdemona and I’m the leader of the Railroad.”

“I had a feeling,” I said, pointing behind me with my thumb. “The little riddles and the decoder ring trick really makes it hard to find you.”

Deacon was half smiling. “These days being able to spell ‘Railroad’ is cause for celebration.”

Desdemona ignored him and said, “Anyone that wants to meet us is under surveillance as soon as they follow the Freedom Trail. If you were a threat to our organization, all you’d find here is an empty room.”

“Come on, Dez, can we speed this up? She’s got a Courser Chip for god’s sake.”

She sighed, giving me a hard look, the dark eyeliner around her eyes making her stare piercing.

“We’re letting you into our headquarters. You two are the first outsiders ever to be given this privilege. We’ll discuss the details about your chip inside.”

Desdemona, Deacon and the other two Railroad members turned, leading me and MacCready down another crumbling corridor that matched the rest of the catacombs. We reached a worn wooden door that Desdemona opened, striding down the stairs below.

The room at the bottom of the steps was much more spacious than the one before, with brick arches and pillars, stone coffins distributed throughout the front half of the area. There were a few terminals, a chem lab set up, and shelves stockpiled with medkits and the like.

Desdemona walked over to a lanky man wearing a leather hat and a ridiculous pair of clunky goggles sitting on the top of his head.

“Hey, Dez. You need something?”

“Tom. Our visitor here has a Courser Chip.”

“Whoa! _For real?_ Oh man, it’s been ages,” he said, even more excited than Desdemona had been when I’d brought it up.

She looked at me, her expression becoming stern like it had just a minute ago in the other room.

“Some ground rules. Tom can get you the code, but once we’re done we get the Courser Chip.”

I cocked an eyebrow.

“Why do you want the Courser Chip?”

She spoke animatedly now, clearly impassioned by the subject. “Institute tech is light years beyond what we have. And a Courser Chip is top of the line. I’m not going to get into details. But the chip could help us save lives. Maybe throw a wrench in some of the institute’s operations. So hand it over.”

“I’m all for causing trouble for the Institute, trust me.” I held out the chip. “It’s yours.”

Tom swiped it from me, and my head whipped around to watch him move to the terminal to his left.

“Alright, Tom. Make it happen,” Desdemona said, though it didn't appear he needed any prompting.

Tom had already begun typing wildly, hunching his shoulder, his face mere inches from the screen.

“Okay, little Courser Chip. Let’s have the circuit analyzer take a crack at you.”

Desdemona gestured for me to follow her, and I did so, glancing back at Tom as I went. As we walked, I noted the small, but invaluable items littered on trays and table tops in the room. I’d gotten into the bad habit of pilfering items like stimpaks, chems, or things I thought I might be able to sell after waking up.

I did feel guilty, though, as I slipped a stimpak into the pocket of my leather jacket. But I wasn’t going to be caught without one again.

“If we’re going to be working together, I need to know we’re on the same page.”

“Makes sense.”

“Violet, do you know what a synth is?”

“Of course.”

Desdemona came to a stop in a more secluded corner of the room, turning and bringing me to a halt.

“Good. The institute treats synths as property. As tools.”

My chest tightened and a pit formed in my stomach.

“Like slaves?”

“ _Exactly_ like slaves,” she said in a measured voice, watching my reaction with heavy scrutiny, probably looking for a sign of apathy.

She wouldn't find it here. I'd only recently been informed that synths even escaped from the Institute and I'd been so mixed up in my own issues that I hadn't taken the time to think about why. I'd just assumed it was because the institute was evil and that was it.

The next question I asked was going to sound insensitive but I needed to know.

“Do they… Do they realize? Or are they programmed with a- with a- I don't know- a… servant brain?”

God, I was such an asshole.

Desdemona was unperturbed by my callousness. “The Gen 3 synths are just like you and I. They have free will, they have goals, aspirations. The only difference between synths and humans is one was born and the other was grown.”

I looked away, blinking rapidly as if it would help me comprehend how the Institute could justify what they were doing to the Synths. I glanced behind me, spotting MacCready leaning against the pillar nearest Tom, watching him deal with the chip.

“That’s awful,” I said, knowing it was a severe understatement. I repeated my initial thought, “It’s slavery.”

“That’s why the Railroad exists. We seek to free the Synths from their bondage. Give them a chance at a real life.” She fell silent, the intensity returning to her stare. “I have a question. The only question that matters. Would you risk your life for your fellow man? Even if that man is a synth?”

It probably should have taken me time to answer the question. I mean, I’d only been made fully aware of the suffering of synths a few moments ago. But I didn’t need to think too deeply on it. Right was right and wrong was wrong. Slavery was wrong, no matter how you spun the situation.

“I risk my life for people everyday. I don’t care if they’re human or synth. A life is a life,” I said with an unexpected amount of zeal.

Desdemona smiled.

“Well said.” Her eyes flickered beyond me and she folded her arms. “There’s not much we can do for you until Tom’s done with that chip.”

“How long’s it gonna take for him to crack it?”

“It depends. We haven’t come across many and the technology is constantly changing, becoming harder to break. Tom’s good, but there’s only so much he can do.”

Disappointment rushed through me.

“You didn’t really answer my question,” I said.

“It could be a day. Or it could be a week. We’ll send Deacon to find you when it’s done. When the time comes, where should we look?” she asked.

“Sanctuary.”

With that, MacCready and I left, making our way back through the catacombs. My stomach was knotted and I had to keep reminding myself that progress was progress. Every day brought me another step closer to reuniting with Shaun.

Making it to the surface was a lot quicker without the ferals to slow us down, and once we made it out of the church, MacCready came to a halt.

“Where to next?”

I bit my lip, meeting his blue eyed stare.

“The chip might not be ready for another week. I’m going back to Sanctuary. You can either come with me and stay there until Deacon tells us the chip’s been decoded, or you can go back to Goodneighbor and I’ll get you when the time comes. I’d rather you came to Sanctuary, though.”

“What’s Sanctuary?” he asked, slightly less irritated than usual.

“It’s my settlement. Well, settlement’s a broad term. It’s me, a few friends and a couple of settlers. It’s got food, water, and beds.”

“And why would you rather I go there?”

“I don’t want to have to track you down again. I just want to go straight to the Railroad as soon as the chip’s ready,” I explained, looking up at him expectantly. He sighed, making eye contact with me.

“Fine.”

_“Really!?”_

“Not if you’re going to act all giddy about it,” he said.

“Jesus, just shut up and follow me.”

He smirked.

“That’s better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Violet's gonna be a lot less of a downer after this point. I mean, within reason. Anytime I write I always have this inner war with myself about whether I should try and portray grieving accurately, or speed it up or soften it so people don't get too bored by it. I still don't know what the best course of action is though. Anyway, thanks for the support! Thanks for reading, giving kudos, and commenting. It pushes me to work on the story!


	8. You're like a missing piece

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't have time to write notes! Sorry! Next chapter's gonna have more dialogue between the two of them, I promise!

Three days passed. Three days of mind numbing boredom and anxiety. Every time someone passed the window of my bedroom/office my heart would skip a beat and I would stand, expecting Deacon to appear. But it was never him.

It was never MacCready either. It wasn't that I wanted it be him, it was just strange knowing he was in the house next door without talking to him. But why would I? I was still set on keeping things impersonal- even if it was clearly impossible- and MacCready himself had no reason to speak to me. He knew that for now the job was on pause until Deacon came and told us otherwise.

Once we’d made it back to Sanctuary, I’d told MacCready where the free beds were, where he could find food and water, and then I’d left him alone, holing myself up in my empty house. Thankfully, Nate’s wedding ring hadn’t slipped out of my pocket during our trip to the Railroad and I was able to store it in one of my desks drawers.

I sighed, scrolling lazily in one of the few intact books I’d found in my travels. I'd taken to writing a journal, something I now wished I'd done before the bombs fell. The only physical reminders I had of my old life was the house, a wedding picture that had somehow survived the initial blast -though it was discolored and burnt around the edges- and my wedding ring. Today's entry was just like the last two; not very eventful.

There was a knock at the door and my head shot up along with my body, my knees hitting the desk.

Standing in the doorway was Nick. There was no denying the pang of disappointment I felt, like an addict who had just been denied their fix. At the same time though, I was overjoyed to see him after being separated for two weeks now. He'd very much taken on a paternal role in my life and seeing him brought a certain level of comfort.

“Nick!”

“Hey, kid,” he said, entering the room.

It was as dismally furnished and filthy as usual and yet I was still embarrassed for not tidying up. An echo of a different era. “You've been hard to track down.”

I quirked an eyebrow, half smiling.

“The only way you'd admit that was if it wasn't true.”

He held his hands up.

“You know me. I've been keeping tabs on you. Running around the Glowing Sea, killing Coursers, joining the Railroad. And who do you take with you? MacCready, the gunner turned merc.”

I hung my head, a little ashamed.

“You're not wrong.”

“What's going on, kid? You've been giving Piper and I the cold shoulder, refusing to take her with you when you _are_ talking to her. It doesn't add up,” he said. His tone truly was that of a disappointed parent.

“I know, I'm sorry, it makes sense why you'd both be mad-”

“I'm not mad.” He paused, his yellow eyes boring into my own. "I'm scared for you. You almost _died_. You're going out half-cocked. You went after a Courser without any stimpaks after using your last one on-”

Another knock on the door silenced Nick, and I looked to my left with a frustrated frown. Deacon was standing there, his head shaved, wearing the same sunglasses from the other day.

“Am I interrupting something? Should I go back into the hall and eavesdrop?”

“Deacon! You're here! Is the chip decoded?” I cried, crossing the room, resisting the urge to grab his shoulders.

“It's all cracked and ready to fry. I just need you to come back to HQ. Dez has things to discuss.”

“Of course, whatever you guys need! _Thank you_ , thank you so much!”

Reflexively, I threw my arms around his neck, my chin barely reaching above his shoulder even on my tiptoes. A split second later I remembered the time period, remembered that Deacon and I barely knew each other. I let go of him, back away by a foot. “I'm sorry, I didn't- I'm just so happy.”

He was smiling, evidently entertained by my unbridled show of affection.

“All in a day's work. Not that I actually did anything. You should recreate that level of gratitude next time you see Tinker Tom. A pretty girl like you making any kind of contact with him might make his head explode.”

Behind me Nick sighed. I spun around, grimacing.

“Oh, Nick, I'm so sorry. But I-I have to go. They've got something I need to get inside the Institute-”

“ _You're actually going to the Institute_?” He asked, his tone a mix of fear and alarm that conflicted with his everlasting calm expression.

“Not yet. But soon, hopefully. As soon as I can I'll come talk to you and Piper. I promise, I'll make it up to both of you.”

I started to leave the room, snatching up my backpack that lived by the door, Deacon walking ahead of me.

“Why don't you just let me come with you instead?” Nick called, already knowing the answer.

I looked back over my shoulder as I got into the hall, yelling, “I'll talk to you later!”

I slammed into someone's chest, my ear ringing for a moment from the impact. My eyes lifted to see who it had been, expecting to see Deacon. Instead, MacCready towered over me, half amused, half annoyed.

“I was just coming to check what all the noise was about. I see the railroad guy is here.”

“God, you have a solid chest,” I muttered, rubbing the ear that had made contact with it.

“That's generally not a complaint I get,” he said, “Are we going back?”

“You two coming or what?” Deacon yelled from the front door.

“Yes!” I said, stepping around MacCready, who began following me.

Outside, Deacon was already walking down the road towards the bridge and I hurried after him, ignoring the silhouette of Nick in my window. I caught up with him after a few seconds and we were on our way.

Travelling with Deacon was a whole different experience from travelling with MacCready. The whole journey was filled with questions, conversation, even jokes. It was similar to being with Piper, minus the intensity. Deacon clearly cared about the world, why else would he join the Railroad? But Piper was very outspoken about her suspicions and concerns regarding the state of the Commonwealth.

MacCready rarely spoke, only responding when Deacon or I said something to him directly and everytime he did it, it was with the same, dismissive tone, blatantly vexed by how chipper we both were.

I did my best to keep my answers to Deacon’s questions vague, sometimes not answering them at all to his amused annoyance. About a quarter way through the journey he dubbed me ‘a mystery’ though I had a feeling he knew more about my background than he was letting on. If he’d known about Kellogg, he probably knew I came from a vault and probably knew about my family situation.

When we reached the Railroad headquarters, Desdemona and the same white haired woman from last time stood in the room I’d been interrogated in.

“Hope you don’t mind the reception. When you tango with the Institute you gotta be careful when someone new gets on the dance floor,” Deacon said as we came to halt beside Desdemona.

“Ah, the Courser Killer returns. I have a holotape for you.” She held it out and it took all my self control not to yank it out of her hand like a child. I reached out and she pulled it back, causing a very visceral brand of exasperation to go through me, probably apparent on my face. “I’d love to work with you more. Let me know if you’re interested.”

I nodded, taking the holotape from her. She continued, her tone taking on an edge that made me reflexively make eye contact with her. “But to be crystal clear, if you use that data and discover anything involving the Institute - you share it with us first. Otherwise, our relationship will be in jeopardy.”

Now that the holotape was in my hand, my brain functioned a little better and I gave her a determined look.

“I will, I promise. I meant what I said the other day. I believe in your cause.”

From my peripheral I noticed MacCready roll his eyes.

“Good. Then I imagine we’ll be seeing each other again.”

With that I turned, leaving the room, MacCready and I weaving our way through the catacombs.

“You know where we’re going, right?” I asked, eyeing him.

He exhaled slowly, staring forward.

“Yeah.”

“You’re not gonna charge me more, are you?”

“We’ll see how it goes.”

We stopped by Diamond City, picking up my radiation suit I’d stashed there. Thankfully, Becky Fallon sold them as well, and we bought one for MacCready. And by we, I mean I bought one for MacCready. Hopefully not having to use any of his own caps would make him more inclined to stay with me.

“I mean, really you should be paying for this,” I said as I scooped the hazmat suit off the counter. “You left my power armor in the middle of the Wastes.”

“I don’t feel bad,” he said matter-of-factly and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Alright, alright, let’s get going.”

******

The Glowing Sea was equally as unfriendly as it had been the last time we’d traversed it, much to my irritation, but definitely not my surprise.

“Fuck!” I cried as three radscorpions burst from out of the ground, hissing loudly. I stumbled back, clutching my gun tightly and holding it out in front of me. I began firing at the one closest to me, some of the bullets glancing off of it’s exoskeleton, some sinking into the expose soft parts into it’s body.

It slithered towards me, stinger poised to snap forward and rip a hole in my radiation suit. It was only a foot or two away from me know and I’d almost used my whole clip. Knowing it would probably do nothing, I kicked at it, slamming my boot into it’s face with a crunch. It released a pain shriek and I recoiled just in time as it snapped one of it’s pincers where my ankle had been. I aimed at it’s face again, squeezing the trigger three more times, it being impossible to miss a shot from this proximity.

It crumpled, it’s face dented in and covered in four distinct bullet holes.

I was about the breathe a sigh of relief when something careened into the back of my head, knocking me to the ground. There was no time to roll over and the radscorpion crawled over me, the sensation of it’s spiny legs brushing my sides enough to make me yelp, disgusted.

“Oh no you don’t,” MacCready said through gritted teeth. The radscorpion made a sound of protest, but didn’t move. My heart was racing, sweat dripping from my forehead onto the glass of my helmet as I prepared for my suit to be shredded at any moment. How long could I survive out here without a suit? One, maybe two minutes? “Get. Off. Of. Her!”

A crunch rang out with every word and on the last one the weight of the scorpion disappeared. I rolled onto my side, being greeted by the radscorpion on it’s back, only a few feet away. It was still alive, it’s legs flailing wildly as it made an attempt to get on it’s feet again. I bit into the side of my cheek, lunging forward and slamming the butt of my gun into it’s head, over and over. After about the fourth hit it fell limp and I threw myself back, panting, my chest heaving.

It was silent for a moment, besides the roll of thunder from the sky above. I brushed off the dirt from my legs, my heart continuing to pound madly even though the attack was over.

“Uh- are you okay?” MacCready asked.

I nodded, and as I began to stand he hooked a hand around my elbow, hauling me to my feet. I muttered a thank you, picking up my pistol from the ground and dusting it off too.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m might blow my brains out if we run into another radscorpion though.”

“And leave me stranded in the Glowing Sea?” he shook his head. “Not a chance.”

“Aw, are you saying you don’t want me to die?”

“I’m just saying don’t go dying while we’re still in this hellhole. Once we’re out, feel free to get yourself killed however you want.”

I rolled my eyes, facing the direction we needed to go in, almost smiling. “That’s so sweet.”

We were only about five minutes away from Virgil’s and I strode in the direction of the cave. That was when the dirt cracked open, another radscorpion -one that was clearly late to the party- pinning MacCready to the ground.

By this point, I was pretty done with fight radscorpions, so I raised my booted foot, slamming it into the side of the giant insect. It shrieked, but didn’t move off of MacCready who was holding it back as best he could with the length of his sniper rifle.

I wrapped my fingers around the edge of it’s exoskeleton right at the back of it’s neck, yanking up as hard as I could. It didn’t detach, and I toppled over, bringing it down on top of me. MacCready scrambled to his feet with a grunt, and I slid my arms around the torso of the radscorpion, holding it in place as it thrashed around on top of me.

The crack of a gun firing reached my ears and after a few shots the radscorpion stopped fighting, it’s pincers dropping to the earth with two thuds.

I shoved it’s body off of me, letting my arms flop to the ground, my mouth ajar as I panted. MacCready got to his feet, huffing, on edge. I did the same, though more relieved than upset.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna blow my brains-”

“Why do I keep letting you drag me all over the Commonwealth!?” MacCready cried into the void that was the Glowing Sea. I laughed, despite his unabashed irritation with me.

“When are you just gonna admit you like me, MacCready?”

“Never, Violet, never, because that’s clearly not the reason.”

I gave him a sickly sweet smile, putting my hands on my hips and said, “I think maybe you care about me.”

“It’s definitely not that.”

“Then maybe it’s because I’m paying you?”

He snapped his fingers, pointing at me. “There it is.”

There was a beat of silence.

“And maybe also because you like me a little bit.”

He just looked at me through the round glass of his helmet, as if I were deranged. Then he proceeded towards Virgil’s, holding his gun loosely at his side. I giggled, following him and we arrived at the cave without another incident.

I didn't bother knocking. When we reached the end of the cavern, Virgil was busily writing something down in a notebook on one of the tables. At the sound of our footsteps, he looked up, pushing back his glasses with his massive hands.

“You’re back,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

I twisted off my helmet, gulping in the nontoxic air.

“You’re surprised?”

“No, no! Well, alright, yes. You seem the type of person who throws themselves into danger.”

MacCready snickered beside me and I gave him a side glance.

“That’s not a completely ridiculous assumption. Anyway, as you can see, I’m very alive-”

“And the Courser?” he interjected.

“Very dead.”

“Did you get what you needed?”

“No, I left it behind with the Courser. Thought it would be disrespectful to take it. Then I went out for a little stroll in the Glowing Sea to relax, thought I’d stop by and say hi.”

There was a beat of silence in which Virgil just stared at me.

“It’s a good thing your survival and my humanity aren’t at stake, otherwise I might be annoyed by your attitude. Anyway, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. You did kill Kellogg, after all. Not too much of a leap to take down a Courser.” He paused. “How’d you manage to get the chip decoded?”

Although Virgil obviously wasn’t in cahoots with the Institute, seeing as he fled from them and was now helping me to fulfill a vendetta against them, I hesitated at the idea of telling him about the Railroad. I wasn’t lying when I told Desdemona that I believed in their cause and I did want to do anything that could jeopardize their operation.

“I’ve made some friends in the Commonwealth,” I said without missing a beat.

Virgil nodded thoughtfully and said, “Better you than me. Face like this… I’m not going to make too many friends. By the way, you’re not the only one who’s been busy. I did the best I could, from memory and things I’ve overhead throughout the years. Came up with some schematics for you. Wasn’t easy; these hands are ridiculous. Fine motor skills have gone to shit.” He sighed, the sound coming from deep within his chest. He picked up large pieces of rolled paper from his desk. “Here’s the simple explanation: you need to build a device that will hijack the signal the institute uses to teleport Coursers, and send you instead.”

“Oh, good. So nothing complicated.”

“You know the craziest part of the design?” he continued, unbothered by my sarcasm. “That classical music station… that’s the carrier signal for the relay. I want to be clear that this isn’t my area of expertise. I was Bioscience, not Engineering or advanced Systems or anything.”

“Your confidence is staggering.”

He rolled his eyes, saying, “Anyway, if you can build this device, and make use of that code, you should be able to override the signal from the Institute’s relay.”

“Okay-”

“Can you?” he asked with an unexpected level of intensity. “I mean, can you build it? You have people that can help? This is a lot for one person, even you.”

“I… I have some people I can talk to.”

“Alright. Are you sure they’ll build it correctly? You have to make it in there, for both our sakes.”

“I will, this will work.”

“I hope so. Don’t forget our agreement. I’ve helped you as best I can. If you make it in there, you find that serum. It’s my only hope for ever being… normal. So you find it.”

“ _Virgil_ -”

He almost seemed emotional and he cut me off, shoving the schematics towards me that I clumsily bundled in my arms. “Now go on, take these and get to work. You do whatever it takes; call on whoever you know to help you.”

“I will. I’ll see you in a little while.”

MacCready and I exited the cave, ducking through the cavern and back into the Glowing Sea. I pulled my backpack off, placing the schematics inside, careful not to crumple them.

“You’re going to ask the Railroad to help you, aren’t you?” he asked, gazing down at me with an inscrutable expression.

“Yeah. Have any thoughts on that you wanna share?”

He looked away from me, shrugging stiffly.

“You point and I shoot, alright? Doesn’t matter what I think.”

I opened my mouth, about to argue, tell him I cared about his opinions. But I hesitated. Because I wasn’t supposed to care about how he felt towards anything I was doing. That implied on some basic level that I cared about him. I’d made the joke earlier about him caring about me, but that had been all it was. A joke. It didn’t mean anything else, didn’t mean I was forming a sense of comradery with him. Because that defeated the whole purpose of bringing him with me instead of Piper or Nick.

If I cared about him, I’d be scared of him getting hurt, distraught if he _did_ get hurt. I couldn’t handle that, not when I could barely function with the grief of losing Shaun and Nate.

So I didn’t say anything. Instead, I nodded, stomping past him and preparing to fend off whatever the Glowing Sea might throw at us next.


	9. You are all four seasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post, I'm currently in Canada at the Fringe Festival and have been since Sunday so I haven't had a lot of time to write. Hopefully this chapter doesn't suck. Thanks for all the kudos, they mean a lot! Also, thanks for just reading in general! To all the people who have been reading since pretty close to the beginning, thanks for sticking around! I know the story's been kind of slow, so if you've made it this far you deserve a medal. Like I said in the beginning, I've never written a fanfiction before and it's been an interesting experience. I'm still figuring out what to skip, what to bulk up, where it might be most interesting to diverge from the canon. Anyway, enough babbling! Enjoy the chapter!

“Violet.”

I looked up from the campfire, meeting MacCready’s stare. He'd been impossible to read all evening, the orange glow of the flickering fire doing little to help the situation.

“Yes?”

“How old are you?”

“What? Why?” I asked, taken aback by the question. “Haven't you heard that it's rude to ask a lady her age?”

“...No?”

I suppose it was only considered impolite back in my day. He shook his head, frowning. “Just answer the question.”

I swallowed. It didn't seem right to blow him off if he was asking. It was easy to stay an enigma when the other person didn't give a shit about your past.

“Twenty-four.”

He made a ‘hmm’ noise and his blue eyes narrowed. He rubbed his jaw thoughtfully and I did my best not to fidget under his watchful gaze. “Why?”

“I thought you were older.”

I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

“Thanks so much. It's good to know I'm not aging well.”

I leaned back in the old, beaten up lawn chair that had been sitting in front of the shack we’d stopped at for the night. MacCready laughed, a noise I wasn't used to hearing from him and it brought a smile to my own lips.

“No, that's not what I mean. You look good- I mean, you don't look older than twenty-four. Actually, you look younger.”

I quirked a brow.

“Then why'd you think I was older?” I asked.

His eyes flickered between mine and the ground. He shook his head, a crooked smile tugging his lips still.

“Don’t worry about it. Why don’t you sleep? I’ll take first watch.”

“We’re in a shack, why don’t you get some rest as well?”

“The only reason I didn’t force us to sleep in shifts the last time we had to set up a camp in the middle of the Wastes was because I was bleeding out and you weren’t in the best condition either. Since neither of us are exhausted or dealing with a bullet wound, we’re gonna be smart about this. Now shut up and go to sleep.”

I raised my eyebrows, standing, tucking my pistol into the holster I wore around my waist.

“Alright, boss, you got it.”

I walked around the fire, ducking into the shack. Unfortunately, inside there was only one mattress, much like the last shack we’d stayed at, and I decided to take the ground without discussing it with MacCready. I curled up on the dry, splintered wooden floor, in a ball on my side, using my bicep as a pillow.

As I drifted to sleep I pondered how strange he had been today. Yes, he was quiet a lot of the time, seeming to loathe conversing with me. But still, we’d usually end up getting into meaningless squabbles during our long trips or accidentally discuss the weather or something equally as trivial. Or we’d make fun of each other for missing a shot or tripping. Mostly it was me that got the brunt of the teasing.

Today though? Today he’d barely said anything to me. It was probably good; it was a lot harder to grow close to someone when you didn’t speak to them. And yet I couldn’t ignore the nagging voice in my mind that pointed out I wanted to talk with him. I wanted to know about his likes, his dislikes, why he’d run with the Gunners in the first place, things like that. That I wanted him to know things about me as well. How I was much older than I’d told him originally.

I wanted to be his friend.

I’d always had this irrational need for people, for support, for closeness. When Nate and I had been dating for about six months I’d been so enraptured by him that I almost broke it off with him, purely due to the fear I’d become too clingy, too dependent on him. But he’d assured me that he loved me as much as I loved him. That he’d always be there for me so I didn’t matter if I held onto him a little too tight.

_I’m not going anywhere, Vi._

I wasn’t searching for the same thing in MacCready, I wasn’t insane. I just wanted to know him like I knew Piper and Nick. But that would defeat the purpose of hiring him entirely. I wasn’t supposed to get to know him. I wasn’t even meant to  _want_ to get to know him.

But would that stop me from eventually trying?

No.

In the morning my eyes fluttered open, and although my back ached in the way it did after almost every nights sleep in the Commonwealth, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Somehow in my month and a half I’d been able to avoid sleeping straight on a floor until now, always finding a mattress or a bedroll. At least, that’s what I thought.

I slid my hand that was still heavy from sleep across the soft plush of a mattress, my brows knitting together. It was then that I registered I was on a bed.

I sat up lightning fast, my head whipping around. I was alone in the shack still, sunlight reaching through the cracks in the ceiling. Somehow I’d ended up on the mattress. I stood, stumbling out of the small, rusted room. MacCready was sitting in the beach chair now, having moved it against the shack, facing into the barren Wastes. His hat was dipped, the brim over his eyes and he took in a deep breath through his nose. He was asleep.

“MacCready,” I said, reaching out and shaking his shoulder. “MacCready, what are you doing out here?”

He jumped, pushing his ugly hat back, grabbing onto my wrist with a painful amount of force. A pistol- my pistol- was pointed directly at my face, mere inches away from me and I wondered how he’d gotten that out of my holster so fast.

“Violet?” he grunted, groggy.

“Ah, yes, good morning. How did you sleep?” I asked, pretending not to notice the barrel of the gun, light bouncing off of the steel in the morning light.

“What the f-” He threw my hand away as if it burned him, dropping the gun into the dirt at our feet and I nearly lost my balance. “You scared the hell out of me!”

“I just shook you a little! What would you prefer? I start screaming? Or maybe I could have fired off some warning shots?” I bent, scooping my pistol up and slipping it back into the holster. “Also, how’d you get my gun that fast? You weren’t even fully awake yet.”

“That’s why people hire me, doll. Because I’m better at staying alive than most.”

I was about to make a comment in regards to him calling me ‘doll’ but another question crossed my mind.

“Wait, why are you out here? And why was I on the bed? You were supposed to wake me up so I could take a shift on watch,” I said, putting my hands on my hips. He stood, the height difference making it harder to seem intimidating, amused.

“I thought about it. But then I didn’t trust you to stay awake.”

My jaw dropped.

“You were asleep!”

“Yeah,” he leaned in, smirking, and spoke very deliberately, clearly enjoying himself, “But I’m better at keeping us safe than you are. Even with my eyes closed.”

My eyes widened with rage and I raised my hands towards his throat, a growl ripping through my teeth. I stopped, my hands hovering an inch or two away from his neck, biting the side of my cheek. Then I dropped them, storming into the shack and pulling on my back pack.

“You’re a real asshole, you know that?”

I plowed in the direction of the Railroad, removing my gun and holding it in front of me. He caught up to me with ease and from the corner of my eye I could see that he was still smirking.

“That doesn’t mean I’m not right.”

And to think last night I’d wished we’d talk more.

 ******

Desdemona, the white haired woman, and Deacon were all in the entrance of the Railroad when MacCready and I arrived, just like the last two visits.

“I had a feeling you’d be back,” Desdemona said, a smug smile on her worn face.

“You’re supposed to wait three days,” Deacon said, moving away from the wall he’d been leaning against. “You know, make us think you’re not coming back so we get all desperate. It’s no fun if you don’t play hard to get.”

I laughed. “Is that so?”

“I'm assuming you have a reason to come knocking on our door.”

“Yes, I-”

“Whatever it is can wait for later. If we really are going to be seeing more of you, I need to be straight with you. Someone with your skills, your beliefs, normally we'd try and recruit you. But right now we don't have the time to train up a new agent. There are, however other valuable ways you can contribute. And in turn, once their done, we can help you with whatever you've come here for. Deacon will give you the details.”

I was about to argue, state that the faster my job got started the better, but she turned, striding away from me, the white haired woman following her.

They’d decoded the Courser Chip for me without giving me any considerable trouble, other than the brief interrogation. I could do something for them. It just meant making Shaun wait longer, a detail I tried not to let consume me.

“Again, sorry about the caution. Kind of kills our chances for friendly first impressions. But it's all good now. I vouched for you. Nobody got shot. Still, I would consider it a close personal favor if you didn't sell us out to Institute.”

“So, why did you vouch for me? You didn't even know me.”

“In our little outfit, it's my job to know things. And with everything you've done it's clear you're capable. A dangerous enemy. And, I'm betting, a valuable ally.”

I ran a hand through my hair, the whole situation not sitting quite right.

“But why the trust? You can't be taking it all on faith?”

“I don't know if we can trust you, but I hope we can. We just survived a hell of a crisis. So we may be just a teeny, weeny bit desperate for new members.” He sighed. “If everything was sunshine and bottle caps, we'd probably play a longer “getting to know you” game. But we don't have that luxury.”

“There's a little more to it, though, isn't there?” I asked, putting a hand on my hip and tilting my head slightly to the side.

Deacon released a very small groan.

“You just don't give up, do you? Alright, I have a short list of people I think would be a good fit for our family. You piqued my interest, so maybe I asked around. Did my homework. If you hadn't found us, there's a chance I would have found you instead. Thanks for saving me the trip.”

“How does it feel to know you've been spied on?” MacCready asked me and my stomach did a flip at the thought.

“Oh, come on. You know you're always being watched by someone in the Commonwealth.”

“That's comforting,” I muttered. Deacon waved his hands dismissively, shaking his head.

“Anyway, Dez wants me to make you a “tourist”. That's what we call someone who helps out with an odd job here and there. What a waste.” He hesitated for a split second, continuing. “I'm just gonna come out and say this: the Railroad needs you.”

He paused for a moment.

“Go on,” I said, expectant.

My words seemed to revitalize him and he leaned forward, talking faster.

“I've got a job. Too big for me. Just perfect for the two of us- well, three of us. You help me out, we turn a few heads, and then Dez invites you into the fold. Then, you get into a bind and need some help, your buddies in the Railroad got your back.”

“Sign me up then.”

“Wait- you're not gonna look into it at all?” MacCready asked, incredulous and infuriated. Deacon ignored him.

“Perfecto. Let's meet up at the old freeway outside of Lexington tomorrow morning. I'll fill you in once you get there.”

******

I booked MacCready and I separate rooms at the Rexford, choosing to have a quiet night alone while he went back to the Third Rail.

At the crack of dawn I awoke well rested, having gone to bed fairly early after eating some iguana on a stick. I brushed my hair that felt intensely dry but still waved and shone like none of the other citizens of the Commonwealth. Next, I pulled on my vault suit that was overdue for a wash in a river, and rinsed my mouth out, scrubbing at my teeth with my index finger. Since the sun was still barely rising I took the time to neatly apply the charcoal I used for eyeliner, instead of just smearing a thin layer around my eyes like Desdemona did.

I walked out in the hall, knocking on the door opposite of mine. Silence followed. I briskly knocked again, sighing.

I heard a muffled, “Go away, Violet,” through the centuries old wood. I frowned.

“What!?”

I pushed open the door, entering the room. MacCready was lying on the bed, his shirt and coat gone, though thankfully his pants were on. He made a disgusted sound at the sight of me, rolling his head over to face the wall. “What the hell are you doing!?”

“Sleeping.”

I stormed over to the bed, raising my hands to shake him only to leave them hovering in the air above him. Last time I did this it ended with a gun being aimed at my head.

“Deacon said we had to meet him in Lexington in the morning. Get up!”

“No,” he slurred, turning his head back to me, his eyes thick with sleep. The only good part of the current situation was the fact that he wasn’t wearing his stupid had. His brown hair was dishevelled, sticking out in all directions and it still looked better than when it was tucked under that thing. “I… I made a mistake last night. And I… I'm gonna fix it.”

“By sleeping in?”

“Yeah… By catching the first train to Sleep… Town.”

“Oh my god. Are you _drunk?”_

“It's... possible. I did only come to bed three hours ago… And I may have had a good night whisky to knock myself out.”

My jaw dropped.

“Are you an idiot?”

“Yes, why?”

“I paid you! _You’re on the clock!”_

He reached out, brushing my thigh in what I assumed he thought was a comforting manner. It wasn't.

“Vi, calm down. I'll go with you on the next mission. I don't even want to do the stupid Railroad crap with you anyway.”

I groaned, swatting his hand away as he rubbed my knee. “This is ridiculous. I’ll be back later. If I decide you're worth the trouble.”

With that, I whirled around, my ponytail almost whipping me in the eye, and left him alone to wallow in his hangover.

It took only took me about two hours to reach Lexington, the sun still barely over the mountains. I stalked under an overpass, holding my pistol in a ready position, my eyes darting around warily behind my sunglasses. If I'd had the time I would have gone and gotten Piper and Nick, but I wanted to get this job with Deacon over and done with so the railroad would help me build the teleporter. I quiet voice reminded me that I also did love the idea of joining the Railroad, being part of something inarguably good.

“Where's your angry friend?”

I jumped, squealing, aiming my gun at whoever was behind me. Deacon was standing there grinning, a hat on his shaved head, his eyes still hidden behind the same sunglasses and a trench coat on.

“ _Jesus_ , Deacon, you scared me.”

“Chill, Courser Killer. You’re safe with me.”

I raised an eyebrow, smirking, a hand on my hip.

“Oh, yeah? You’re going to protect me from all the big bad's of the Wasteland?”

“Well, I'm gonna try.”

“My, my. I've never felt more at ease. I might as well throw my pistol away.”

“Let's not go crazy,” he said, pushing my gun towards my torso. “Now, are you ready to get going?”

“Beyond ready.”

He smiled.

“That's what I like to hear. So about the job. The Railroad only recently been using the Old North Church. Our old base was underneath a Slocum Joe’s. We had a pretty sweet setup before the Institute found us.”

“Your base was under an old donut shop?” I asked.

“It’s a lot better than it sounds. Well, it was until it was blown to hell.”

“What happened?”

I hoped I wasn’t being too insensitive by asking, but I’d always been a curious soul, unable to stop myself from asking questions even if it was best for myself or the other party. It really had been difficult not to ask MacCready anything about himself during the two weeks of our partnership. That was until he’d been hugely irritating for the past two days. Now it was hard not to strangle him to death.

“Our HQ was strong, defensible. Heck, we thought it was secure. Inside a minute the Institute troopers breached the doors and turned it into a shooting gallery. The survivors didn’t have time to grab anything. So we’re getting something important we had to leave behind.”

“What exactly are we looking for?”

“I’ll tell you when we get inside. I know that’s a bum deal, but strategic ignorance has saved our organization more times than I can count,” he said, and I nodded, doing my best to stifle my interest.

We started walking as Deacon continued, “We got a tourist nearby. He, or she, has intel on the base. So let’s pump them for information before we dive in. For now, I’ll take point.”

I allowed him to get a few feet in front of me. He lead me up a collapsed portion of a highway, taking the opportunity to begin explaining the Railroad signs and their meanings. It was less than a minute before we stumbled upon one with an arrow pointing to the left in the center.

“The arrow in the center indicates a direction.”

“ _What?”_ I said with exaggerated surprise. He peered over his shoulder at me, and although I couldn’t see his eyes through his shades, I knew he was giving me a look. “Sorry, go on.”

“It means our tourist is up ahead. But I’m sure you already figured that out, right?”

“It mean, it’s implied-”

“I didn’t really want an answer,” he said with a laugh and I couldn’t help but grin.

We progressed across the highway in silence after that. We stumbled upon a few feral ghouls here and there; thankfully it was broad daylight, decreasing how much they scared me by a fraction. Together we took them out quickly, though not as fast as MacCready could.

Finally we came across a similar Railroad sign, this time with a plus in the centre.

“That means there’s an ally nearby. Our tourist,” he said, and I nodded, choosing not to be smartass this time. Deacon gestured with his gun in the direction the tourist would be. “You take point on the conversation. No matter what he says just say, ‘Mine is in the shop.’ Trust me.”

I bit my lip, feeling ill equipped to deal with this. I took in a heavy breath, noticing a man not too far away, approaching him in a nonthreatening way.

He spun to look at me, relieved, something I hadn’t expected. I knew he wasn’t our enemy, but still. He was much older than me, with a mean face and a thick, dark mustache.

“Oh, thank god. Do you have a geiger counter? Do you have a goddamn geiger counter?”

“Mine is in the shop,” I said, managing not to stutter or giveaway my uncertainty.

“Who the hell is he?” the man said, tossing his head in the direction of Deacon. “HQ said they were sending one agent, not two.”

It was a good thing I didn’t bring MacCready. This guy was twitchy now, I’d hate so see him if he thought he was being approached by a gang pretending to be Railroad agents. There was a gun leaning against the railing of the highway, only a foot away from his nervous hands.

“Sorry, I’m new. She’s just showing me the ropes.”

“Alright,” he said, calming down a little. “The Wall is my witness, I thought I was dead. It’s about goddamn time you headquarters bastards got here.”

“It’s alright, we’re here now. You’re safe.”

“You think I’m goddamn safe? That little Slocum Joe’s of yours is crawling with goddamned chrome-dome synth sons of bitches. The front’s fortified to hell and back. They’ve placed mines all over the goddamn place.”

“Goddamn,” I said instinctively, hoping immediately that he didn’t realize I was being facetious. “So they have a minefield.”

“Yeah, the mother of all minefields. I couldn’t draw you a map if I tried.”

“I appreciate all you’ve done.”

“Hope it helps. I really do.”

“Just a moment, I need to talk to the rookie.”

He nodded and I backed away, Deacon and I coming to a stop about fifteen feet away.

_“Rookie?”_

“Just going along with your lie, Deacon,” I said with a shrug.

He smiled.

“Ricky’s a real ray of sunshine, isn’t he? Think he’s telling the truth?”

I glanced back at the mustached man thoughtfully, narrowing my eyes.

“He doesn’t seem like he’d be very good at lying.”

“That’s my read too. First rule in this business is never go against your gut. So if we take him at his word… The front door has mines, synths, and probably other fun and exciting prizes. So we go in through the escape tunnel.”

“Tunnel sounds easier than a frontal assault.”

He made a face, giving me a noncommittal shrug and said, “Easier, but no cakewalk. You lead us there, pal. I’ve got you covered.”

I was about to get moving, when something occurred to me. I’d come to find a two person team could be quite effective when it came to slipping unnoticed into well guarded buildings, but it couldn’t hurt to have a little extra support. Ricky seemed like the resistant type, a welcome challenge for my persuasion skills.

Though I was sometimes awkward and ineloquent, I’d been known to be able to… well, manipulate people fairly easily. Never with malicious intent, of course! For the most part, at least.

“One second, Deacon,” I murmured absently, approaching Ricky again. He was looking around, paranoid, eager to get the hell out of the area. I was much shorter than he was, a fact I ignored as I gazed up at him, my tone nonchalant and yet still mildly commanding. “We’re assaulting the base. Once we strike, use your rifle to pick off anyone you can see. A lot of lives are depending on us.”

He raised his bushy eyebrows, floundering for words.

“ _You silver-tongued_ \- Fine! Alright. I’ll take a couple of shots. But if I see any of them coming for me, I’m running for the hills. We’re done.”

“Of course, of course. You’re a brave man,” I said, a coy smile lighting my lips.

God, I was a monster.

Ricky adjusted his collar, swallowing and nodding.

“Yeah, yeah. Just get going.”

As we left him, Deacon eyed me in my peripheral.

“You vixen,” he said, shaking his head. I rolled my eyes, unable to hide my smile.

“He’s risking his life for us. Got to give him something.”

Getting to the escape tunnel did prove to be a bit of a challenge, and I couldn’t help but compare Deacon’s skills to MacCready’s again. Though he was good with a weapon, he didn’t have the accuracy and speed of my hired gun.

I also found myself very mildly missing the snide remarks MacCready would make. I did enjoy Deacon and I’s banter more than exasperated silence of travelling with MacCready though.

As we made it through the tunnel, Deacon darted ahead of me. “The back entrance is safer, but be ready for Gen 1s and 2s.” He turned to me and I almost slammed into him, gasping and backing up a few feet. “It’s time you learn why we’re here. We’re retrieving a prototype developed by our good doctor Carrington.”

“Doctor What-ington?”

“Don’t worry, all goes well and you’ll meet him soon enough.”

We progressed through the tunnel, coming upon a locked door with a terminal that Deacon began typing at without prompting. “No, no… no,” he said as he tried various passwords. “Aha! Missed one, you cocky bastards! Come on, the prototype is deeper inside.”

We went through the door, entering what seemed to be a maintenance tunnel filled with massive blue and red pipes, loose bricks all over the grated metal floor. Lying not too far in was a dead body, a Railroad sign on a nearby wall as if he spent his dying moments putting it up. Deacon sighed.

“This one means danger. We know, you poor dead bastard… we know.”

As we descended down a long set of crumbling stairs, we came across a lone synth, disposing of it quickly. Unfortunately, neither of our guns were silenced and the cracks of them being fired was sure to draw attention.

“Well, if they didn’t already know we’re here…” I said, trailing off.

“Yeah.”

It was only a minute before we ran into more synths, only this time instead of one, it was five. And they were looking for us.

“Combat initiated!”

“Terminating hostile life forms!”

“Threat located!”

Blue lasers whizzed past me, almost hitting my arm, my hip, my head. I threw myself behind a brick pillar, sensing that it was just as dangerous as the laser fire, appearing ready to collapse at any second. My heart was thundering in my chest and I reached up, laying a delicate hand over the hole in my vault suit, the puckered and plasticy skin tender like a fresh bruise, but nothing like right when I’d got it.

Deacon knelt in front of me, leaning out from behind the column and firing.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah- yeah! I’m fine. Lasers just- _I’m fine!”_

I bent around as well, closing an eye and popping a few shots off towards the formation of synths. I hit one twice, forcing it back a foot or two, the others continuing their constant stream of laser fire. Sweat was pooling at my brow much quicker than normal and all I could do was pray I hadn’t developed a crippling fear of lasers. They weren’t uncommon in the Wastes and it wouldn’t help to have another disadvantage to add to my list.

I bit into the inside of my cheek, sprinting forward, behind a wide, steel strut, getting closer to the cluster of enemies. It made it easier to land headshots, popping one of their metal skulls clean off on the first try. There were only three now, Deacon having killed one as well.

Instead of remaining in a weird, seemingly unstrategic line, the remaining three pushed forward, climbing the staircase to my right. They were only a few feet away now, and I quickly slid under the rail of the platform I was on, dropping into the shallow water below me. It reached halfway up my shin, making it harder to move around. Thankfully, they didn't respond instantly and I was able to fill one with a couple of bullets. It crumpled to the ground and Deacon picked off another one while they were distracted by me.

It was then that I realized that the last synth wielded a shock baton, not a gun, and I was standing knee deep in water. I hurried towards the small set of stairs it was running down, hoping to finish it off in a way that wouldn't end with the baton falling in the water and potentially electrocuting me to death, water sloshing all the way to my lower thigh. It got to the last stair before the murky water and without fully thinking, I dove forward, tackling it around the legs and bringing it down on the dirt platform at the top of the stairs.

It dropped the shock baton as it impacted with the floor, and my hand snapped out, clasping around the handle in a divine moment of hand eye coordination. The loud bang of a gun being shot reached my ears as the synths head exploded a foot or two away from me.

"Oh my god," I muttered, dropping my head onto the uncomfortable metal torso of the dead synth, the shock baton in my painfully tight grasp still.

"You alright?" Deacon called and I nodded, loose strands of red hair clinging to my sweat soaked forehead.

I clumsily got to my feet, unable to grip the railing since the baton was in the appropriate hand, nearly tripping backwards into the water. Deacon, who I hadn't noticed come down the incline grabbed my arm, pulling me to the left of the synths body and onto the platform.

" _That_ could have been bad. Thanks."

I dropped the baton to my left, the safe side of the area.

"Ready to keep moving."

"Yep!"

We delved deeper and deeper, fighting synths, radroaches and the few remaining turrets that hadn't been destroyed by the Institute forces that took over the place.

It took us about an hour to make it to the last room, the one supposedly containing the prototype. We broke through the terminal’s security, opening a large, steel vault door. As we entered, we came across a body lying on the cold floor, wearing heavy armor, a small gun with an extended barrel laying in the open palm of his stiff, dead hand. Deacon approached him, kneeling. He hung his head.

“So Tommy Whispers didn’t make it out? He died protecting our secret.”

I swallowed, letting my eyes search every spot other than where Deacon and Tommy were. Deacon shook his head, straightening and striding over to one of the metal shelves in the vault. He grabbed a little contraption off of the shelf, tossing it over to me without warning.

I caught it, internally cheering at myself for not dropping it. I shoved it into my backpack, slinging it back over my shoulders, raising my head to find Deacon right in front of me. He held the gun the body had been guarding.

“Tommy would want you to have his handcannon. Don’t let it’s size fool you.”

My eyebrows shot up and I put a hand to my chest.

“ _Me?_ He didn’t even know me- you should have it, it wouldn’t be right-”

“Our best agents carry special ordinance made by Tinker Tom. Call this a vote of confidence. Now, when we get back, you turn that prototype over to Desdemona and she’ll have to let you into our merry band.”

“Thanks, Deacon,” I said sincerely, dropping my old gun on the ground and holstering my new one. He smiled.

“I’ll meet you back at the HQ tonight, okay? I want to look around here. Make sure there isn’t anything we missed during our… relocation.”

“Okay. I’ve got to deal with someone anyway.”

“Your grumpy friend?”

I laughed, backing out of the room, pushing my hair out of my face.

“Exactly.”

I turned, about to begin my journey through the maze like tunnel system when a thought occurred to me. I faced into the vault again, coming forward a few feet. Deacon was looking down at Tommy and I almost didn’t ask my question, not wanting to interrupt his mourning. But my curiosity got the better of me. “You know all about me, don’t you, Deacon?”

He raised his head, partially facing me.

“What do you mean?”

I clasped my hands together, meeting his baffled stare, my face reflected in his sunglasses.

“The other day you asked all those questions, but you know everything about me, don’t you? Where I come from, what happened to me,” I said, hair slipping from behind my ear, falling in front of my left eye.

Deacon smiled, looking down sheepishly, shrugging.

“Yeah. I just wanted to see if you’d tell me.” He met my stare, his brows knitting together. “It’s not a secret though, is it? I mean, Nick Valentine and that reporter know, don’t they? Hell, she wrote an article about it!”

“You’re right, you’re right. But uh, my angry friend? He doesn’t know and I want to keep it that way, alright?”

Deacon nodded thoughtfully, probably wondering why I would go to all this trouble to keep MacCready out of the loop. Why would I go to such lengths to keep him in the dark about something so… trivial? I wasn’t a celebrity, I wasn’t a synth, I wasn’t a murderer- for the most part, at least.

All because I didn’t want to form a bond with him.

Deacon reached out, resting a hand on my good shoulder.

  
“Secret’s safe with me.”


	10. Rolled into one

There were three consecutive knocks on my door, very purposeful, and very, very urgent.

I leapt off of the bed, flinging myself across the room. I don't know who I thought it would be; Nick, maybe Deacon, either one of them delivering important news relevant to finding Shaun and/or the institute. Instead, when I yanked the door open, I found MacCready standing on the other side of the threshold.

“MacCready?” I said, probably more shocked than I should have been. I'd expected to have to go to him to get things worked out, it had never even crossed my mind that he might make the initial attempt.

“Don't sound so surprised,” he said, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and index finger, his voice husky. He mustn't have been awake for very long. Judging by the redness of his eyes, the droop of his eyelids, and his tired demeanor, his hangover wasn't done with him yet.

“I thought maybe I'd find you dead in your room from alcohol poisoning, soaked in urine and vomit.”

I was more frustrated with him than I'd realized. He nodded, distrait, unbothered by the hostility in my tone.

“It'll happen one of these days, don't worry.”

“Wonderful.”

Silence crept in through the doorway, joining us as MacCready continued not to meet my glare. I drummed my nails on the door that I was tempted to shut, force him to spit out whatever he'd come here to say. MacCready sighed, his eyes locking with mine. They were even bluer now, contrasting with how bloodshot they were.

“Look, I'm sorry about this morning. I shouldn't have had so much to drink when you had already paid me to help you.”

I folded my arms, biting my lip, staring above him.

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have. I’m supposed to be able to count on you.”

“I know, I know.”

“Let’s just move on,” I said. “I know my job’s demanding, you deserve a break every now and then.”

We were quiet again, both shifting uncomfortably. MacCready rubbed the back of his neck.

“So, uh, we’re good?”

“What does ‘good’ mean for us?” I asked, honestly curious about how he viewed our relationship, our dynamic.

He was caught off guard by my question and he made an “eeeeh” sound, thinking.

“I-I don't know,” he muttered. “It means I point, you shoot. Occasionally, we get into an argument.”

I half smiled, backing away from the door, allowing him to enter my room.

“Sounds about right.”

I walked over to the vanity in the room, examining myself in the cracked, filthy glass. The stitches in my face were supposed to come out in a few days; apparently they would fall out on their own, which I could only imagine would be gross. I'd taken my hair out of its ponytail and I hurriedly tied it back up. I was supposed to be at HQ in an hour to meet with Deacon and Desdemona.

When I turned away from the mirror, MacCready was gawking at me from the edge of my bed, but his eyes quickly snapped away as if he'd been watching me undress, not fix my hair.

“I've got to go back to the Railroad tonight.”

“Again?” MacCready said, sounding more like a whining child than my adult hired gun. I laughed.

“Yes, again. Are you coming with me?”

He got to his feet, moving sluggishly towards the door.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.”

I slung my backpack over my shoulder, gasping as the strap dug into my exposed laser wound. I moved it to the side, cringing, one eye close and then followed him out of the room.

“You're sure you're okay coming?” I asked as we walked down the hall, looking up at him with too much concern for someone who was trying to not care about him. I knew what he was going to say but I'd asked anyway.

“For the last time, Violet. You point, I shoot. All the crap in between doesn't matter.”

******

When I walked into the wide open room with the blinding lights and small interrogation stage, for once I wasn't greeted by a council of people. Desdemona and Deacon were there like usual, but neither of them looked at me as I entered.

Deacon was in the middle of telling a story, “and the new guy patched me up, put me on her shoulder, and blaster her way through the rest of the complex. Synths everywhere.”

“Carrying you the whole time?”

“Amazing, right?”

“That’s one word for it.” Desdemona looked down at me, a mask of skepticism on her face. “Deacon told me you single-handedly secured Carrington’s prototype, disabled a minefield, and wiped out a hundred gen 1s.”

This was the most outlandish, ridiculous, and unbelievable story I’ve ever heard. I was 5’4 with zero muscle, and if she’d ever seen me try and walk in a slightly tilted area she’d know how clumsy I was. Not to mention accident prone. This was the greatest test of my lying skills yet. Plus, if she did believe me, it was a pretty harmless lie.

“Honestly, he's downplaying it a little.”

Her eyebrows shot up and she looked back at Deacon, who was grinning. I glanced at MacCready who was also smiling, though not as wide. I'd given him a brief synopsis of the events at the Switchboard and he knew enough to realize it was a complete fallacy.

“A full hundred? I… I can’t even imagine. I was expecting Deacon to grab a full team, including Glory, to secure that prototype. But instead you two cleared out the entire Switchboard.”

“You’d be insane not to sign her up, Dez,” Deacon said, practically pleaded.

“You’ve certainly made an impression on Deacon. He’s never spoken about, or lied about, anyone so highly before.” A smile lit her face. “Welcome to the Railroad, agent.”

******

“Charmer,” MacCready snorted, walking beside me, sniper rifle in hand.

I glanced up at him, rolling my eyes, ignoring the heat in my cheeks.

“It seemed fitting at the time. Deacon thought it suited me!” I hung my head, chagrined. “Let's just drop it.”

He snickered but didn't say anything else. Maybe I should have left MacCready at the hotel for the meeting with the Railroad.

After joining their ranks and choosing my codename- the one MacCready had immediately laughed out loud at upon hearing- I'd explained Shaun, Virgil, and the teleporter. I think Desdemona wanted to slap herself for not letting me talk to her about it sooner. She'd instantly agreed to help me and we’d gone into the actual HQ, beginning to plan. She quickly found a location with enough space to handle however big we needed to build the teleporter and with remaining room for some of us to set up a camp. Unfortunately, the place, the Starlight Drive in, was infested with raiders. MacCready, Deacon and I were charged with clearing them out.

I figured now was a good time to repair the ever widening hole in my relationship with Piper and Nick, and so MacCready and I went to Diamond City on the way to the drive in. The plan was for Deacon to go early and scout out the area, and we would meet him there just before dawn.

Nick was in his office and agreed to help readily, though he made an effort to sound begrudging since he was still annoyed with me for ditching him. Piper also agreed, but she gave me more of a hard time before saying yes.

“You're honoring me with an invitation to your little mission? I'm so flattered to be allowed into such a prestigious regiment with the likes of MacCready,” she said, monotone, her eyebrows flat and face expressionless.

“Hey!” MacCready had snapped, a disgruntled sneer molding his features.

After some grovelling she’d said yes and then Dogmeat had come bounding out of her house with Nat in tow. I’d fallen to my knees as he’s thrown himself at me, running my hands all over his shiny coat.

“Dogmeat, what are you doing here?”

“I brought him here from Sanctuary after you'd abandoned him again. I thought he might like some more consistent company,” Piper had said, glaring at me. But then she softened, sighing. “This is the happiest I've seen him since coming here, so congratulations, Blue, he doesn't seem to be holding a grudge.”

Dogmeat had showered me with very wet kisses, which didn't bother me because I had missed him too. I'd seen him when I'd spent those three days in Sanctuary but that been it for the past two and a half weeks.

“Oh, Dogmeat I'm so sorry. I love you too, I'm sorry! You are so sweet,” I’d cooed and Piper smiled despite herself. “Do you want to come with us?”

He’d stepped back, tapping back and forth on his paws and barked, his tail wagging at lightning speed.

Once the gang was all assembled, we slept until three in the morning and then set out to the drive in. It took us two hours to reach Deacon, who was hiding on the outskirts of the raider camp. The sky was still a deep, cobalt blue, littered with tiny beacons of light. The stars had never been so distinguishable in my time, so bright and effulgent. I'd been too depressed during my first month after waking up that I hadn't really taken the time to admire the few beautiful things the Commonwealth had to offer.

“Charmer, are you with us?” Deacon said, drawing my attention back to the conversation. “There are roughly twenty raiders in there, two at guard stations and three patrolling the perimeter.”

I nodded, chewing on the inside of my lip as I formulated a plan of attack.

“You have your silencers equipped?” I asked, pointing at MacCready and Deacon. They both nodded. “That's perfect. Alright, Piper, Nick and I will sneak around the camp and try to take out the patrolling guards without being noticed. You two snipe the guards in the towers. Once they’re both dead, this is the signal,” I made a bird sound with my hands and mouth. “And we’ll do the same once our guards are taken care of. Then the three of us will push into the camp and continue to try and take out the raiders discretely. You two snipe from a distance should things get hairy and let Dogmeat down into the fight. We’ll only use him if stealth is no longer an option.”

I looked around at them.

“Is everyone clear on the plan?”

They all nodded and the attack began.

It was easier than expected to take out the five guards. Five minutes had barely past when we heard a bird call in the distance from MacCready and a closer one from Deacon. Piper, Nick and I had fanned out, each picking off a guard on our own. Once they were taken care of we met up at the front entrance of the drive in where there was a wide opening in the chain link fence and I made the signal so Deacon and MacCready would know we were pushing into the camp.

The drive in was littered with old, dented and almost all wheeless cars, a few makeshift wooden shacks and tents scattered in between. One guard had been stationed on top of the movie screen, the other in the concessions building at the top where the projector probably once had been. I pointed for Nick to go through the center area of the camp and for Piper to go to the right, while I darted over to the left where the building was.

From there, we began systematically executing the raiders while they slept, something that made me feel especially dirty. I kept having to tell myself that they were evil, murderers, the bodies hanging from hooks and heads on posts reminders of their lack of empathy or remorse.

I crept into the concessions building, two raiders sleeping on either end of the room. I silently disposed of the one on the left with my knife like I had with the last three and then turned to approach the one by the stairs. That was when a bottle slammed into the counter next to my head, stray glass splinters cutting my top lip. I gasped, covering my mouth, fresh blood dripping down my chin as I fell on my ass, stunned for a moment. The raider who mustn't have been sleeping deeply like I'd hoped barreled towards me, growling animalistically. I fumbled for my gun, knowing that once I pulled the trigger my cover would be blown. That was when a strange, muted whistle reached my ears and the left side of the raiders head blew out, sending blood splattering over the counter. He fell to the ground at my feet and I inhaled sharply, my hand still on my mouth, my eyes cracked wide.

I craned my head to the right, looking through the opening above the counter at the dark mass of trees beyond the chain link fence. MacCready must have been watching the whole thing through his scope. I moved my blood stained hand away from my face, waving dumbfoundedly at him regardless of not know where exactly he was.

I cut off a piece of the dead raiders bedroll, using it to wipe the blood off my face as best I could, wishing I had some water to stop myself from smearing it all over my chin. Remembering the task at hand, I clambered to my feet, clutching my slick knife in my hand and climbing the creaking stairs with as much discretion as possible. I knew MacCready had killed the man at the very top but I knew there was a chance someone else could be up there, only now discovering the body.

I'd been so lost in thought, that I didn’t notice the raider lying at the landing at the midpoint of the stairs, woken up undoubtedly by the shattering of the bottle. They grabbed my ankle, yanking me towards them. I fell backwards, my fingers dragging uselessly along the wall as my spine hit the stairs, spots forming in my vision from the pain.

“Who the fuck are you?” he snarled, voice coming deep from within his chest.

As I tried to stop the world from spinning, all I could imagine were cartoon birds circling my head. There was no window in the narrow stairwell, no way for MacCready to save me now. The raider gripped both my legs, dragging me towards him, my head slamming on every step along the way. Once I was on the landing, he raised his fist, another hand locking around my throat. In my disoriented state, I shoved my hand forward, digging the knife into his stomach. He made a heaving noise, shocked and dropping on top of me. The handle of the blade jabbed me in the stomach, and it took all my strength to flip him off of me and send him tumbling down the stairs.

When Nate and I had been dating for about a year, we’d gotten into a car accident. We’d been T-boned while going through an intersection and our car had flipped. I'd never heard something so loud, the car crunching in my door, the glass shattering, the frame of our car whining in protest as we rolled. The whole experience had been horrifying and I'd never stopped being grateful that neither of us had been seriously injured. But what clung to me still, was the memory of  _how loud_  the whole experience had been.

Hearing the barrel chested, tall raider careen down the stairs, bouncing against the wall- this seemed like the loudest thing that had ever happened. He landed at the bottom of the stairs, his neck hitting the counter with a sickening crack. A plate with a ceramic mug sitting on it fell off from the force, shattering on the floor by his head, a stark contrast against the silence of the night.

My eyes were stuck wide, my hands braced against the wall and the side of the steps leading further up from attempting to catch the raider as he fell, a chunk of his tattered shirt in my aching fingers. Yes, my goal had been to kill him, but I thought if I caught him I could do it in a more stable location. It was then that I heard a gunshot ring out and my head snapped up, having been angled down to stare at the mess I’d made.

Suddenly I was moving, leaping over the body at the bottom of the stairs, hurtling out of the building and into the center of the camp. I could hear yelling, though there was less than expected. Hopefully Nick and Piper had taken care of most of the other raiders.

“You goddamn synthetic piece of shit!”

I grabbed onto the support beam of one of the shacks, wheeling inside to find Nick on the ground, back against the wall, a raider coming towards him with a gun in his cloth wrapped hand. I wrenched my new gun free- I'd been informed it was named Deliverer and I pointed it at the man’s head, squeezing the trigger. I was only about three feet away from him and it went right through his forehead, his skull breaking open in the back. He fell to the ground, unmoving and I didn't take the time to check if he was dead, only knelt beside Nick whose skeletal hand was covering a point in his chest.

“Oh, my god, Nick, Nick, are you okay?”

“I'm fi-”

“Nick, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have ever brought you here, I'm so sorry, this is my problem, I shouldn't have dragged you into-”

He reached out with both hands, grabbing my shoulders and gently shaking me.

“Kid, kid, I'm fine, calm down.” He opened his coat, revealing a bloodless hole in his white button up. “It didn't hit anything important, I'm harder to kill than a Courser. I'm not advanced enough to have all that blood and flesh. It's okay.”

“Oh, Nick,” I sobbed, leaning my head into his chest. He laughed, running a cold hand over my back, shaking his head.

“Kid, _I'm alright_.”

“I don't know what I'd do if you or Piper or Dogmeat died for my sake! Oh, God, Nick! I'm so sorry-”

“Quit apologizing, I came here to help you, it's not your fault if I get hurt, alright?” He held onto my shoulders, peeling me off of him. “Pull yourself together, kid. I might not be bleeding but you are and this is a nice coat.”

I sniffled, wiping at my mouth which was still bleeding a little. I could hear barking getting closer. MacCready must have let Dogmeat go when I’d run over to help Nick.

“Don’t tell anyone I cried, alright?”

Footsteps could be heard from outside and I spun, standing, aiming my gun at the opening I'd just come through. Piper appeared, concerned, her hat falling off. I dropped my hands, exhaling.

“Piper, thank god.”

Dogmeat came trotting up beside her, tilting his head curiously. He was probably wondering where the trouble was.

“Are you two okay? Blue, ugh, you're bleeding.”

I held my arm over my mouth, letting the fabric of vault suit soak in the blood that was constantly leaking from my cut. It stung, but it didn't seem to be too deep of a wound.

“I'm fine.” I looked at the two of them. “I'm assuming everyone's dead since no one’s killing us and I don't hear any war cries.”

“Violet!?” A voice cried, distraught- MacCready's voice?

I jogged out and in the direction I'd thought he was in, seeing him searching the concessions building in a panicked state. Dogmeat followed me. I made it to the counter where the cash register was, slamming my hands on the linoleum.

“MacCready?”

He jumped, spinning, pointing his gun at me. “What are you doing?”

He was pale, as if he was seeing a ghost.

“Violet- I saw that guy push you down the stairs and then you disappeared- what are you doing out there?” he said, dropping his rifle to his side and storming over to the inside side of the counter.

“You were supposed to be watching for people to snipe, why are you down here-” I cut myself off, realization dawning on me like a vibrant sun. An incredulous smile spread across my face. “You were worried about me.”

“Of course I was worried about you, you idiot!”

“No, no, I mean because you care about me.”

“Of course- wait- no! No, no, no, don't start this! You're my boss, it's my job to keep you alive,” he said, pointing an accusatory finger at me, narrowing his eyes and leaning forward on the counter.

I beamed at him.

“You were worried that your friend was gonna get killed! You see me as a friend!”

“No, stop it. Stop it. I was protecting my job.”

“You're job was to stay up somewhere high and snipe,” I said, leaning over the counter on my elbows. Our faces were now mere inches apart. “Admit it, Mac, you were worried about me.”

“I was worried about my money,” he ground out.

“But if I died you wouldn't have lost any money. In fact, you could have easily stolen the rest of the caps in my backpack!”

“Don't give me any ideas.”

Dogmeat barked once, making a polite request to stop the fighting.

“What are you two arguing about?” Piper called from behind us and MacCready straightened as if he'd been struck by lightning. I turned, resting my arms on the counter.

“Just business.”

Deacon was walking briskly towards us, his sniper rifle slung over his back. The sun was beginning to slink over the horizon, streaking the sky with pale shades of blues, purples, and yellows.

“Everyone alive?” he asked in a distracted tone, glancing up at the path we’d come here on.

It was then that pain lanced through my head and it occurred to me how weak I felt. I'd been pumped up with adrenaline and it was slowly ebbing away now, shedding new light on my lip, my back, my head. I reached behind me, probing at my skull experimentally, sucking in a high pitched breath. It was wet, sticky blood matted in my hair. Piper slid an arm around my waist and I leaned into her, hanging my head limply. “Charmer?”

Slowly, reluctantly I looked up at him, my stomach churning.

“Yeah?”

“Glory’s gonna be showing up in an hour to check if we cleared the place out and then she’ll pass the message onto Dez. Why don't you catch some z’s while we wait for them?”

“Oh… Okay…”

Piper helped me hobble into the concessions building and then MacCready scooped me up into his arms, the two of them murmuring something to each other. My head was spinning. He carried me up the stairs, placing me gently onto the mattress in the sniper’s nest. I wondered where the guards body had gone but couldn't be bothered asking, my head throbbing.

“Do you have a stimpak?” He asked, rifling through my backpack.

I cradled my head between my arms, kneading my fingers gently against the back of my head, my eyes clenched shut.

“Yeah, I stole one from the Railroad the other day.”

“I noticed that,” he said and I could hear a smile in his voice.

Without warning me, he jabbed the needle into my shoulder and I gasped, my eyes flying open. “Sorry, figured it was best just to get it over with.”

I nodded, though the movement sent pain from my head to my mid back. I sighed, blinking sleepily.

“MacCready, why is it always me who gets injured?”

He chuckled.

“Because you're lucky, remember?”

I glowered at him, though I imagined I looked more laughable than intimidating, curled up in a ball, clutching my head. It would only take the stimpak a few minutes to do it’s job and I’d feel immensely better. “I don’t think I’ve worked with anyone more troublesome than you.”

I peeked at him through one eye.

“Because of which part? How I’m a walking injury magnet? Or because I’m involved with the Railroad and the institute? Or because I’ve brought you to the Glowing Sea twice?” I asked, letting my eyes slip shut again.

“All of the above. It really hasn’t been easy.”

“You must have been so overwhelmed with stress when you ditched me the other day.”

“Hey-”

“I’m just kidding, Mac,” I said, smiling weakly, my eyes remaining closed. “I’m really not mad. It wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“Could have fooled me,” he muttered.

I frowned, reflecting on my behavior two days ago. Why had I been so mad? I mean, I had paid him, but it seemed to be something more than that. I’d taken it so… personally. Why was that?

Surprisingly, MacCready didn't leave my side even after I fell silent and began to drift to sleep. He stayed, sitting in the windowsill of the sniper’s nest, looking out over the parking lot.

“Charmer?” It was Deacon’s voice that carried up the stairwell, drawing me from my slumber. It had taken me what felt like forever to slip into unconsciousness making it hard to tell how much time had passed. I sat up slowly, my head throbbing mildly, but nothing in comparison to how it had hurt before. I noticed MacCready was gone.

“Yeah?” I called, standing up, leaning my hand against a support beam. The stairs creaked as he climbed them, his head popping into view. He grinned at the sight of me.

“Dez is here.”

“She is? Oh, perfect!”

I followed him down, and once we were on ground level I spotted Dez, Glory, Tinker Tom, and a few stray agents I didn’t know the name of standing just beyond the counter, deep in conversation.

“What if we contact the minutemen? They haven’t got any problems with Synths,” Tinker Tom said, adjusting his goggles. Glory scoffed, folding her arms.

“As far as we’ve heard. I’d rather not end up with a laser musket to my head in the middle of the night. This should exclusively be a Railroad operation.”

I jogged out of the concessions stand, coming to a halt in the gap between Tinker Tom and Desdemona. She smiled at me, the skin next to her eyes crinkling.

“If it isn’t our new, star agent,” she said.

“I thought I was your star agent,” Deacon said.

Desdemona ignored him.

“We have news on the teleporter. I had Tom go over the schematics and he feels confident that we can build it, though we will need you to retrieve some of the supplies.”

“Sure, yeah, whatever it takes.”

Her expression softened in a way that suggested she had bad news. My anxiety levels rose as I imagined every worse case scenario possible before she spoke.

“It’s not going to be a fast process.”

“What does that mean?”

She sighed, putting her hands on her hips and shifting her eyes to the ground.

“Best case? It’ll take three months.”

It felt like she’d dropped a ton of bricks on me and it took all my self control to not physically react to the news. Three months. Best case. Three months to see my son who I’d been separated from for who knows how long. Ten years at the least. Obviously I’d known it wasn’t going to be tomorrow, or even a few weeks from now. But I’d hoped it would be something more along the lines of a singular month.

Three months.

“Isn’t there anyway to speed things up?”

“No, I’m sorry-”

“What if we do bring in the Minutemen? Have them help us gather resources?”

“Resources aren’t the problem. It’s the credentials. Tinker Tom is one of the few people with this level of knowledge when it comes to, well… tinkering. Not many people know how to handle machines like he does. There’s only so much guidance he can give someone on something so involved.”

I nodded, my throat thick, and I pushed back the sorrow that threatened to crush me. Sulking wasn’t going to get me anywhere.

“Alright. I understand. I’ll do whatever I can personally to make sure this goes smoothly. Thank you for you help. This means a lot to me and I appreciate your time and energy,” I said rigidly. I meant what I was saying, though generally I wouldn’t be so formal. It was part of my attempt to mask my disappointment.

“As long as you help the Railroad, we’re happy,” Desdemona said. “Alright, we’ll start clearing the area, hopefully by tomorrow we can begin construction. Why don't you rest today, Charmer? You've got a lot of work ahead of you.”

I sighed, nodding, and I separated from them as they headed towards a shed on the left of the building. I was yet to see Piper, Nick, or MacCready since waking up. I walked towards the main chunk of the raider camp, hearing voices.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” MacCready said, not too far away.

“You know exactly what it means! You're a merc, you're not here because you care about any of this, especially not Violet! You’re probably hoping she gets her head blown off so you can move on to your next job!”

“Piper…” Nick warned and I arrived at the back of the shack they were all in, hesitating.

“Don't “Piper” me! Don't you care that Blue’s been running around with this guy? I wouldn't be surprised if he put a bullet in her back himself just to steal some extra caps-”

“Shut the hell up! It isn't up to you to decide who Violet spends her time with. If she wants me here then I'm gonna stay here- she paid me, and I do the work I'm paid for.”

“All she is to you is a pile of caps! She's already paid you, why would you care if she lived or died at this point?”

“It's none of your business, it's between me and her!”

Deciding it was best to stop this before the two of them started brawling, I hurried into the shack, putting an unwitting smile on my face.

“There all of you are-” I cut myself off, drinking in the sight. Nick was sitting on the bed, hunched forward, his head hanging. Piper and MacCready were in the middle of the room, two feet away from each other, both leaning forward as if they were ready to start swinging at each other, venom in their expressions. “Am I interrupting something?”

“No,” Piper and MacCready said at the same time. Nick snorted in the background, unimpressed.

“I'm going for a walk,” MacCready spat, storming past me and I raised a hand as if to stop him. I didn't.

“Good riddance!” Piper yelled, scowling beyond me, cupping her mouth so her voice would carry.

“What the hell is going on?”

Piper’s eyes settled on me and she flexed her fists.

“He's dangerous, Blue, and you know it! Nick and I did some research- you are aware he was a Gunner, right?”

“So? He’s not anymore.”

Her eyes widened.

“Are you kidding me? Do you know what kind of person you have to be to run with the Gunners?”

“From what I’ve heard most people don’t quit the Gunners. So if he did, that’s gotta count for something.”

“You can’t really be that naive, Blue.”

“I was raised Catholic but you don't see me kneeling down to pray! People change, Piper. You don't have to like him, you don't have to pretend you support me in hiring him, but you don't get to choose whether he stays or not. I paid him and he's been doing his job and he's been doing his job well. It would be stupid to waste someone with his skills.”

“She's got a point,” Nick said, raising his head. Piper glared at him and then me.

“Fine. Fine. But if he stabs you in the back, don't come crying to me for some stitches,” she said, dropping onto the edge of the bed beside Nick, folding her arms over her chest.

“Fair,” I murmured, my mind wandering at the thought of MacCready fuming somewhere. “I'm going to go talk to him.”

“Ah, yes, go take care of your rabid dog.”

I ignored her and began my search for him, pretending her words didn't cause a surprising amount of irritation to rise within my chest. Yes, MacCready could be a pain in the ass, but I didn't think he deserved the third degree. When all was said and done, he'd done nothing to hurt me, wrong me, put me in harms way. He’d saved my life on several occasions and for that I was eternally grateful.

Still, Piper was my friend, MacCready wasn’t, I shouldn’t have felt so passionately defensive towards him.  
“Son of a bitch,” I said, coming to a halt and watching him walking out of the drive in. “I care about him.”


	11. You're like the cold December snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots o' violence this chapter.

Upon coming to my revelation, I decided to avoid MacCready for a bit. There was no reversing the growing sense of friendship I felt for him, but I wasn't eager to encourage it either. Worrying about Piper, Nick and Dogmeat was enough, there was no need to add another person to the mix.

I spent the day talking to Deacon and Nick, eventually to Piper once she was less irritated with me, and patting Dogmeat. At the end of the day, I climbed the stairs of the diner, hoping to find MacCready sitting up there. When I arrived at the top, I found no one, only my backpack leaning against the windowsill.

Three days passed and MacCready still hadn’t come back.

“Told you not to trust him, Blue,” Piper said from the other side of the decrepit picnic table we sat at. My chin rested on my hand and I stared at the entrance of the drive in where I’d last seen him.

“I wouldn’t say I ever trusted him,” I said absently.

“Your introspective stare suggests otherwise.”

“I just don’t get why he’d disappear like this. Actually, I do. You scared him off.”

“I did not-” she cut herself off, shrugging. “Alright, I probably did. But I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”

Deacon, who was a few feet away from us leaning against the counter, gasped melodramatically.

“I sense a dangerous topic of conversation. The Reporter VS Charmer. Who will win the oncoming catfight?"

“Shut up, Deacon,” I said, rolling my eyes, smiling.

The days ran uneventfully together, and soon it had been a week since MacCready had stalked out of the drive in. I’d essentially given up all hope that he would return and I wasn’t willing to leave to go find him. What if Tinker Tom suddenly realized how to build the teleporter in a sixteenth of the time he’d initially thought and I wasn’t here for it’s completion?

I was sitting in the windowsill of the sniper's nest, my leg dangling out the side as I watched the sun setting in the distance. Movement drew my eye and I looked down just in time to see MacCready cross under the first level ceiling below me. I leaned off of the window frame, almost falling out of the window entirely, a surprised smile pulling at my lips.

“Mac!?” I cried, gripping onto the sill in front of me.

He looked up at me, tilting his hat back… and he smiled. MacCready smiled at me, not because I’d fallen over, or I’d missed a shot, or I’d said something ridiculous. I threw myself towards the stairs, almost tripping multiple times. He was already inside when I made it into the diner and I screeched to a halt.

And then we just looked at each other. Because we didn’t know what else to do. I’d come to accept that I thought of him as a friend, despite knowing very little about him and visa versa. But still, I had no idea if he actually cared about me, and he had no idea whether I did either. So we looked at each other and then we did something utterly absurd.

We shook hands.

“Good to see you,” I choked out, almost collapsing from how awkward I felt. He seemed to be experiencing the same level of unbearable discomfort.

“Yeah, you too. Your stitches are starting to come out.”

“Yep.”

There was a pause.

“That’s supposed to happen, right?”

“Oh, yeah- yes.”

We released each other and he rubbed his neck while I ran a hand through my hair.

“Well, I better let Dogmeat know you’re back.” What the hell was I talking about? “See you later!”

I exited the diner and the whole mortifying affair, heading to the shack Piper was in. Then at the thought of how annoyed she was going to be that he came back I decided instead to go talk to Deacon.

“You told him you were going to go talk to Dogmeat?” Deacon said, laughing. I shrugged, my face as incredulous as his.

“Yeah, it was like my brain fell out.”

“I mean, you do talk to Dogmeat, don’t you?”

“Oh, yeah, definitely. But I don’t know why the hell he’d need to know MacCready came back. He’s bound to discover it on his own,” I said, resting my back against the railing at the top of the movie screen. Deacon had taken up the sniper's nest here, while I’d moved into the one above the diner, regardless of the fact I didn’t own a sniper rifle.

Deacon laughed at me, shaking his head.

“Oh, Charmer. You never cease to entertain.”

When night had fallen, I crossed the parking lot, trekking up to my room. Every night, I spent the time where I was alone processing everything that was happening. Beside my frustration regarding how long it would take to build the teleporter, I was also anxious at the idea of finally seeing my son. Of course I wanted to see him, I wouldn’t have torn apart the Commonwealth, wouldn’t have stooped to murder if I didn’t want to find him. And yet I was terrified of doing just that.

What if he was mad at me for losing him in the first place? What if he didn’t realize he’d been kidnapped? What if he didn’t realize his father was dead? What if he didn’t care?

That was the worst one of all. Nate’s death had created a hole in me, an immeasurable void in my chest that was a constant reminder that I was missing a piece of myself. The idea that Shaun might not feel the same haunted me.

I made it to the top of the stairs, almost falling back down when I discovered MacCready sitting in the sniper’s nest, out of view from the window.

“Mac- what are you doing up here?”

“Watching for trouble,” he muttered, his eyes downcast, leaning against the wall in a way that it would be impossible for him to see any danger if it was coming. He had one leg straight out, the other bent with his arm resting on it, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

“Oh…” I said, sitting on the floor, my feet on the stairs below me, my body swiveled to face him. He was only a foot away from me but he chose to pretend I didn't exist. “Isn't that hard to do… If you can't see out the window?”

His mouth twitched up.

“A little.”

I bit my lip, literally twiddling my thumbs as I approached the source of his ire.

“What did Piper say to you? It must have been awful if it would make you… you know. Leave like that.”

My question was only half real. I'd heard the end of the argument but missed the beginning. I doubted he would tell me but I wasn't entirely sure how else to broach the subject.

He sighed, letting his head lol to the side, meeting my innocent doe eyed stare.

“Nothing I haven't heard before. But I find it hard to believe she didn't already tell you what she thought of me.”

“Some of it, yeah.”

There was a moment of silence. It hung in the air, a physical form draped in the moonlight that broke through the window above us.

“And you don't care? That I'm a bad person?”

The question caught me off guard and my mouth fell open.

“Mac-”

“Never mind, forget I asked. I'll go-”

“No, wait- stay-” I said, putting my hand on his arm that sat on his knee. His eye flickered down to it and I let my hand slip off. I’d been desperate to find somewhere to be alone but that feeling had suddenly evaporated upon seeing him. “Just for a few minutes…”

He hesitated.

“Okay.”

I stood, crossing the small space and sitting on the windowsill. MacCready’s eyes followed me and I hoped Piper wasn’t right and he didn’t try and push me out of the window, running away with my backpack full of caps. I swallowed.

“I’m sorry, I’m being stupid. You can go-”

“I’m the sniper. You should be the one leaving,” he said, smiling crookedly.

“Actually, during your abrupt absence, I made this my living quarters. So... “ I trailed off, whistling.

“That’s going to have to change.”

“What!? You can’t disappear for a week and then expect to take my room from me,” I said, leaning forward.

“It makes more sense for me to be up here. I have a sniper rifle, and I’m good with it. All you could do if someone showed up to kill us is start yelling.”

“Look, that’s not a totally ineffective strategy, alright? It would give us all time to prepare our defenses.” He just looked at me. “Fine, fine, I’ll go sleep downstairs or something. Maybe I’ll share a shack with Piper.”

At the sound of her name he grimaced, his eyes flickering away from mine. I decided to change the subject.

“Where’d you go? Back to Goodneighbor?”

He shooked his head.

“Nah, I caught wind that Winlock and Barnes were looking for me.”

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry. That’s probably my fault, right?”

“Eh, I’m the one who chose to take the job. They were after me anyway, like you saw the day we met. Goodneighbor had worn out it’s welcome anyway.”

“Yeah, it looked like you had it a little rough there,” I said, hoping he detected my sarcasm and I didn’t seem like an insensitive asshole.

MacCready snorted.

“That’s putting it mildly. Can’t get much rest when you’re sleeping with one eye open. Still, it was the best place to set up shop.”

“At the risk of you leaving again,” I began, “Why keep being a gun for hire if it causes trouble with the Gunners?”

“Because, it's what I'm good at and it's the best way to earn a lot of caps all at once. I've pumped three hundred caps out of you already.” He was smirking, but then his face became reluctantly serious. “Look, you've been straight with me, so I'll be straight with you. I keep working because I was hoping if I made enough caps I could buy them off.”

Guilt ran through me at his words. I'd been honest with him, yes, but I'd also hidden a lot from him. I hadn't thought it would matter, but now that he was opening up, I felt… dirty.

“How many caps would you need?” I asked, trying to move forward. He sighed.

“I dunno. More than I have.”

My brow furrowed and I ran my fingertips back and forth across my lips, thinking. It sent a sharp pain through my top lip, but I ignored it.

“What if we… well, what if we took care of them?”

MacCready raised his eyebrows.

“I mean, I can't say I haven't thought about it. But Winlock and Barnes are always with their personal army, we'd have to take out a whole Gunner camp.”

“We just took out a whole camp of raiders. I think we could do it.”

He sat up a little, the hand that was resting on his knee clenching into a fist.

“I don't want Piper anywhere near this. And if that means we can't bring Valentine, fine.” He paused, looking up at me, the most vulnerable I’d ever seen him. “Look, I only told you because I trust you. You’re the only person I’d want to do this with.”

All I wanted to do was release a loud, “Awww” but I didn’t want MacCready to instantly retract his statement.

“We can go in in the morning? I've got time to kill and I'm driving myself insane just sitting around here waiting.”

“You'd really do this for me?” he asked, his voice soft, broken.

When was the last time someone had treated him with human decency? By the way he was stricken by my offer, I wouldn't be surprised if my cold companion had only known the cruelty the Commonwealth had to offer and none of its kindness.

“Of course.” I swallowed. I contemplated letting him know that I cared about him, but I held back.

“Thank you,” he said, unable to look at me. “This means more to me than I want to admit.”

I stood, picking up my backpack as I spoke, using it as an excuse not to make eye contact with him. “Well, you have helped me with a lot of personal matters now and it’s the least I can do to return the favor.”

I reached the stairs and I heard his breath hitch, as if he were about to say something to me. But he didn’t so I waved, facing the steps. “See you in the morning.”

“See ya,” he murmured.

******

For the first time since travelling with him, MacCready was the one to wake me up. “Violet.”

I stirred upon hearing my name, groaning quietly, and rolling onto my other side.

“Violet, _come on_ , wake up.”

My eyes cracked open, and my mind that was thick with the fog of sleep registered that it was morning. Just barely though. Light was hardly streaming over the horizon, the sky a deep blue that faded into a pastel one where it met the earth. MacCready was leaning against the doorway of the concessions building while I was curled up beside the stairs. His arms were folded against his chest, and his eyes darted between me and the wall erratically, as if he were embarrassed to be looking at me.

“Good morning,” I croaked, sitting up, stretching. He promptly made eye contact with the wall again until I got to my feet. “You're eager.”

“Why wouldn't I be? We’re putting down the assho- idiots who have been harassing me since I left the Gunners.”

I nodded, tying my hair up and then slinging on my backpack. We headed out and walked towards the exit. I bit my lip, coming to a halt and casting an uncertain look over my shoulder at the camp.

“I should probably tell someone,” I said, turning around. MacCready grabbed my shoulder, turning me again and I stumbled slightly, glaring at him.

“I already told Deacon.”

“Jeez, how long have you been awake?”

We started walking again.

“About an hour. I couldn't sleep. By the way, you need to find a new place to sleep. If anyone comes through the main entrance, you're gonna be the first one to die.”

I laughed. “Are you kicking me out of my second spot?”

“For your safety!” He argued, smiling down at me. I wasn't sure what happened to him while he'd been MIA, but he was suddenly… Well, he didn't seem to dislike me as much anymore.

We talked more than we ever had as we made our way towards Winlock and Barnes’ hideout, laughing, joking. When we weren't talking, it wasn't uncomfortable- not that it ever had been before. Still I was worried the cost for getting along with MacCready might be awkward silences. Apparently our terrible reunion yesterday was payment enough.

It took us about three hours to get there and when I could see a small encampment below the highway, MacCready’s hand snapped out, wrapping around my wrist. I quirked a brow, craning my head to look up at him.

“We’re gonna have to fight through all the gunners in the lower camp just to get to the lift that'll take us to Winlock and Barnes.” He said it as if it were meant to scare me, persuade me to abandon the mission. If that was his goal, it wasn't going to work. I was determined to relieve him of this burden, no matter the danger.

“Okay. Why don't you hang out here and snipe while I go pick them off up close.”

“How many chems are you on?” He asked.

“None, stupid. My plan is not that insane.”

“There could be up to ten Gunners over there, and once the Gunners on the highway hear gunfire, they're gonna start shooting at you too. You’re lucky, but you’re not that lucky.”

“I'll be sneaky for a while. Slit some of the stragglers throats,” I said, scanning my eyes across the camp.

“First of all, you're the clumsiest person I've ever met, I don't know how you're still alive. Second, I think that's the most violent thing I've heard you say.”

I ignored him, sticking my tongue out of the side of my mouth and narrowing my eyes as I calculated my chance of survival. There as a Gunner facing towards the camp, alone, far enough away from his group that I could probably take him down without causing a scene. “What is that face?”

“It's the face of a trained killer,” I said, and then darted forward. “Better keep an eye on me!”

“Violet!” He lowered his voice. _“Violet, come back!”_

I ignored him, keeping myself low as I traversed the rough terrain, doing my best to not trip on exposed roots and scattered rocks. I slowed upon reaching the lone Gunner, sliding my knife out of my belt. He was still facing the camp. I swallowed, my mouth agape as I took in slow and silent breaths. I could feel MacCready's scope boring into me.

I lunged forward, leaning up on my tiptoes, clawing into his shoulder and digging my knife into the front of his neck, wrenching to my right. Blood sprayed from the wound, drenching my hands and I used my hand that had been on his shoulder to cover his mouth. He reached back, tangling his hand in my hair, and yanked forward as he collapsed to his knees. I fell too, pinned to his back and I reflexively buried my knife in his side. He released me, grunting, and dropping onto his side. And then he was still.

I was breathing heavily, splayed out on my knees, my blood covered hand in my lap. My eyes snapped to the camp that wasn't too far off now, and it appeared no one had seen my attack. I was partially concealed by a clump of trees, and I used their cover to my advantage, composing myself. I'd only taken out one and I was already exhausted.

Casting a look to where MacCready was sniping, I grinned and then bolted towards the camp. Assessing the situation as I went, it became abundantly clear that there was no one else standing as recklessly far away as the man I’d just killed.

Essentially, it occurred to me that I was fucked.

I dropped to one knee, skidding down the hill above the camp, kicking up dirt all around me. I held up my pistol, clamping an eye shut, sticking out my tongue, and pulling the trigger.

My bullet clipped the neck of the Gunner I had haphazardly aimed at, blood spurting out of the wound as if I’d popped a water balloon. The Gunner grabbed her neck, stumbling backwards and collapsing. The man beside her looked up, his eyes wide, furious, landing on me. Before he could react, the top of his head blew off and I gasped, my stomach churning. I could thank MacCready for that. Unfortunately, the whole camp was now aware of my presence. I used the incline of the hill to run onto my feet, gun and laserfire reaching my ears but thankfully not able to land a hit on me. A few yards away from me I could see the lift.

In front of it was a Gunner, his weapon raised, one of his eyes closed. I fired my gun, hitting him in the rib. He fired at the exact same time as me, his bullet grazing my hip. I shrieked, stumbling to the side, exercising all my self control to not lower my gun and cover my injury. Instead, I fired again, hitting him in the stomach. He fell, dropping his gun and curling in on himself.

I ignored the burning in my hip, turning and searching for the next immediate threat that would be coming from my side. There were two Gunners tucked behind a railing, aiming at me and three more facing up in MacCready direction. They caught on to his presence pretty quickly.

I dropped one one knee, taking cover behind a boulder, resting my elbow on it as I took aim. Part of the rock chipped off, dust raining over me as a Gunner fired. I pulled the trigger twice, getting one of them in the shoulder and missing the second shot. I had seven more bullets before I had to reload. More bullets hit the rock from above, confirming that the Gunners in the upper camp knew we were here.

I clenched my teeth, closing an eye, shooting three more bullets. I hit the same Gunner in the exposed part of their chest and they fell backwards like a wooden cutout in a carnival game.

At that thought, it all hit me at once. I remembered going to a carnival as a child, and then I remembered Nate taking me to one on a date. I remembered him helping me aim the beebee gun, his calloused hands on mine.

I dropped completely behind the boulder, turning over so my back was pressed against the stone, clenching my eyes shut.

I felt like I was going to be sick. I opened my eyes and my gaze settled on my blood covered right hand, my index finger still curled around the trigger. My wedding ring glinted at me like a winking eye.

What would Nate think of me if he saw me now? Saw my slitting people's throats, filling people with bullets?

“Violet, Violet, what's wrong?” MacCready said, sliding onto his knees beside me.

“Mac, what are you doing down here? You're supposed to be sniping,” I said, my voice weak.

“The lower camp’s all taken care of, Vi. What happened to you? All of a sudden you just gave up, are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” I said, a little too quickly. “I froze, I'm sorry. Let's get up to the upper camp.”

I stood, ignoring the pain in my hip, the dampness I could feel on my vault suit. MacCready and I hurried onto the lift, slamming the button down. As we started to rise off the ground, MacCready's eyes fell to my wound.

“Oh, sh- Violet, you're hurt.”

“I’m okay, it’s pretty minor after the laser wound,” I said, though it appeared my words did little to comfort him.

“You can't just keep running off like that, my jobs to keep you alive. I'd appreciate it if you didn't make it impossible.”

I was about to argue when a bullet whizzed by my head. I dropped into a crouch, knowing that the lift was going to do almost nothing to shield me from gunfire. MacCready did the same and a moment later we reached the top. I stood, whirling around, firing despite not knowing if anyone was in front of me.

I was rewarded with a head exploding and a bullet coming from my left and grazing my shoulder. I staggered backwards and MacCready swung in front of me, his sniper rifle over his shoulder and a pistol in hand.

“Now would be a good time to develop a grenade,” he said, shooting the closest Gunner.

I saw one creeping up from the right, hiding behind one of the old, rusted out cars. I bit into my cheek, my shoulder flaring as I raised my gun, shooting them in the shoulder and then in the chest. I only had one bullet left. I’d forgotten to reload on the way up. I pulled out some ammo, fumbling with my gun, bullets tumbling off the side of the lift as I shoved them into the chamber with shaking hands.

Sweat was plastered all over me, and I could feel the blood seeping down from the wound in my shoulder now too. As if to remind me it existed, my hip throbbed, like a child in need of attention. MacCready had stepped off the lift, taking cover behind an overturned car, popping up to fire off a few shots and then crouching again. I scrambled over to him, ignoring the pool of blood oozing towards us from the first Gunner I’d killed up here.

“They’ll have about twenty men up here, give or take,” he breathed, sweat rolling down from his temple. He appeared to be even more stressed than I was.

“Seventeen,” I said.

“ _Fourteen_.” He grinned at me, his blue eyes on fire, his body undoubtedly pumped full of adrenaline like mine. “I got three over here while you were reloading.”

“Damn sharp shooter,” I muttered, peering over the car. Three bullets all whizzed past my head on different sides and I retreated back behind the car, my eyes wide. “I think they know we’re here.”

“Grenade?”

I gasped, remembering his request from earlier, pulling my backpack off and searching through it. Nestled inside, surrounded by cans of chips and boxes of sugar bombs were two grenades. I pulled out one, handing it to MacCready and then got the other one for myself.

“You wanna use yours first?” I called over the  _dink, dink, dink_ of bullets against the car.

He nodded, pulling the pin out with his teeth and launching it over his shoulder. I covered my ears and waited. There was a muted explosion and the car creaked forward slightly and then dropped back to it’s original position.

As if on cue, we both stood up, aiming over the car. The grenade had succeeded at clearing the immediate area, leaving three of the Gunners exposed, cowering from the explosion, two destroyed bodies in the blast radius. Twelve. MacCready quickly picked off one before they could recover and I attempted to pick off one on the right. It took me four shots, but I hit him twice in the leg and then the stomach. He’d been right by the edge of the road and in his attempt to distance himself from my gunfire, he’d fallen off the edge.

MacCready dispatched the last of the trio with a well aimed headshot.

Nine.

Beyond us were busses, cars, and a few man made structures like you’d see in a raider camp. But I couldn’t see anymore people. I was about to say something when a voice drifted out from an unseen location.

“You’ve got us in kind of a tight spot, MacCready. See, we didn’t have to kill you when you were just lying uselessly in the Third Rail. But now? We don’t have much of a choice.”

“Just get out here, Winlock!” MacCready said his gun making a clicking sound as he tightened his grip.

“And you had to bring your girl along? That’s a damn shame.”

“Stop playing games!”

“Cause once we blow your empty head off, we’re not gonna just waste a pretty girl like that by killing her too.”

“ _Shut your goddamn mouth!”_ MacCready snarled, the ferocity in his voice making me flinch. I’d never heard him so angry. Of course, their threats weren’t exactly leaving me with fuzzy feelings.

Worried that MacCready might do something stupid like leave the cover of the car, I pulled out the pin of my grenade, holding it for a second and then lobbing it over between two busses. It exploded almost the second it hit the tar, the force tipping one of the busses completely and making the other one wobble, it’s last remaining window shattering. Two Gunner were revealed, standing behind the bus that had been knocked over and MacCready and I quickly disposed of them, though he only fired twice and I fired four times.

Seven.

“I’m not going anywhere! Stop wasting both our time!”

“ _Damn shame_ ,” Winlock called, his tone taking on a dark edge, like an eager knife. “Especially after what happened to your last girl.”

MacCready released an inhuman noise, throwing himself around the side of the car. As I began to protest, a hand slammed tightly over my mouth and I was locked against a firm chest. I thrashed violently in their grasp, moving my head in a way that their index finger slid under my top lip and bit down as hard as I could. Whoever was holding me back howled out in pain, throwing me forward, and I caught myself on the underside of the car. There was blood in my mouth and I spat, turning around to face my captor.

It was the other man who I’d seen leave the Third Rail the day I met MacCready. Barnes. There was so much venom in his glower that I thought my head might explode without him having to land any kind of physical attack. Blood dripped onto the road from his finger.

“You stupid bitch,” he said, pulling the gun from his holster.

I swallowed, feeling the sweat that had pooled at the back of my neck trickle down my spine. There wasn’t much I could do. Yes, my gun was in my hand- for once I’d managed to keep hold of it while being attacked. But there was no question of who would be faster.

“You don’t need to kill me,” I said, straightening my back, smoothing my hair and tucking the loose strands behind my ear. I hoped these slight changes made me look like less of a ragged mess.

“And why is that?” He asked, sneering at me.

I smiled in what I prayed was a coy manner, dropping my gun to the ground. It was useless to me now. I was either going to die or this was going to work, there was no in between.

“Didn't you listen to Winlock?” I walked slowly towards him, not wanting to spook him and also allowing him a good amount of time to watch me. “I don't wanna die, especially not over MacCready’s little vendetta. And wouldn't it be such a waste of this body?”

His eyes drifted over me as if I were something for sale, like a new gun, or maybe a Brahmin. He didn’t make an effort to disguise his approval or desire. I wanted to gag but knew that would be a little counter productive. My heart pounded and impatience swelled within me. For all I knew, MacCready could already be dead. It wouldn’t help him or Shaun if I blew my cover now and got myself killed.

“You’d just let MacCready die?” he asked, and now I was only a foot and a half away from him. I raised my hand, placing it against his chest, reaching behind my back for my knife that was slid into my belt.

“He doesn’t mean anything to me. I only came here today so he would let me hire him. He’s scared stiff of you two.” I slid my hand down his chest, stopping at his abdomen, looking up at him with a smile. “But I’m not willing to die for him.”

“You’re cold, doll,” he said, smirking.

I bit my lip, leaning into him so my chest was on his. It was now or never. There was no way I was letting any more of my body make contact with this low life.

As he grabbed my hip, thankfully not my injured side, I swung my arm around him, digging the knife into his back. He gasped, and I took the opportunity to snatch his gun out of his hand. He threw me backwards and I collided with the car. I was about to shoot at him when he rushed forward, turning me, tangling his hand in my hair and slamming my head into the bottom of the car. I reached up, managing to catch myself partially, though my forehead still made contact with one of the pipes, a sharp pain vibrating through my skull.

I swung my elbow back, catching him in the stomach and then brought my foot up, hitting him directly in the crotch. He stumbled back and I spun, pulling the trigger. Unfortunately, he was hunched over, and I missed my first shot. I promptly lowered my aim, pulling the trigger twice. I got him once in the lower stomach and once in the chest and he collapsed to the ground, groaning weakly.

“You stupid bitch,” he repeated in a croak, his hand dropping limply to his side.

Six.

Time to find out if my hired gun had gone and gotten himself killed.

I threw Barnes’ gun off the side of the highway, snatching up the Deliverer and bolting around the car. I jogged for a few yards, passing a couple newer bodies.

Three.

I reached a bus and heard a voice through the broken windows. It was Winlock, gloating.

“I knew you were stupid, MacCready, but this is too much. You bring one person to take on me and Barnes’ men, and then when it seems like maybe you might make it out of this, you come rushing across enemy lines half-cocked, leaving your girl to deal with Barnes all by herself. Not that it matters what happens to her. You’ll be dead in a second, and all you’ll be able to think about is those burning hot flames in hell.”

While he spoke, I edged my way up the steps of the bus, breathing shallowly, my gun pointed out in front of me. Winlock was standing in the wide center aisle of the bus, a Gunner on either side of him, all of them facing MacCready, who was on the ground, leaning on back on his elbows, his gun a few feet away from him. His eyes jerked to me for the briefest second and I wasn’t going to allow them to use that clue to their advantage.

I shot the Gunner on the left in the back and then the other in the head. Winlock whirled around, raising his gun at me and behind him I saw MacCready reach for his own weapon. I pulled the trigger of my gun and heard the horrifying click of the empty chamber.

“How the hell did you get past-”

The front of his head blew open and his body flopped forward, smacking against the floor of the bus with a distinct thud. My eyes snapped to MacCready’s and we were both silent for a moment, absorbing everything that had just happened in the span of thirty seconds.

And then there were none.

Finally, I exhaled, letting my hands drop to my side. MacCready got to his feet, stumbling over to me and grabbing onto the bicep of my uninjured arm.

“I’m so sorry I left you,” he said, his voice tight.

I shook my head.

“It’s fine. I’m fine. Are you okay?” I asked, my gaze flickering between his right and left eye. He nodded, swallowing and it was then that I noticed he was almost as close to me as Barnes had been a minute ago.

Most likely noticing our proximity at the same time as me, he cleared his throat, stepping back and letting go of my arm.

“You’re hurt. We should get back to the drive in.”

“I’m fine-”

“Stop saying you’re fine,” he snapped, his sudden frustration catching me off guard. My mouth clamped shut and I frowned up at him, my injuries throbbing. I could feel fresh blood on my forehead. He looked away from me. “You’re not fine. I never should have brought you with me.”

“Mac, I wanted to help-”

“You were almost killed! You almost died a hundred different ways today!”

“Welcome to the Wasteland! I almost die all the-”

“But it would have been my fault!” he said, getting up in my face once more. The look in his eyes was like nothing I’d ever seen before today. He was utterly distraught, his mouth open in a pained grimace. “If you’d died today, I would have had no one to blame but myself.”

I set my jaw, my throat thick in reaction to his distress.

“I came here of my own volition,” I said, my voice wavering. “You’ve done so much for me and I wanted to return the favor. If something had happened to me, it would have-”

“Something  _did_ happen to you!”

He backed away from me, dropping onto one of the seats, his eyes on the view of the Wasteland beyond the windshield of the bus. All I wanted to say was, “I’m fine” but I didn’t want to risk his head exploding. There was a long, tense silence instead, as he struggled to find words. “Let’s just get back to the drive in.”

“Okay.” He stormed off the bus and I struggled to keep up with him, my draining adrenaline revealing the extent of my hip injury. “Mac, wait!”

He stopped on the lift and I hobbled on, watching him with wide, concerned eyes.

“We’re alright, aren’t we?” I asked, feeling silly for even asking.

He didn’t respond immediately, only punched the button that started our descent to the earth. He stared straight forward, his jaw flexing and then repeated, “Let’s just get to the drive in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another slightly delayed update! I had a lot of work every night and my work has a booth at comic con and so I was busy all day yesterday. The only reason I was able to update today is because I'm home sick. Anyway, this chapter is... long. If you like chapters with action, you're welcome for the third one in a row. If you don't... whoops-a-daisy. Thank you so much for all the kudos, subscriptions, bookmarks and comments! I read every comment, and if I haven't replied to yours yet, it's because I've been so busy! But I AM GOING TO REPLY. Unless you don't really care if I reply. The last chapter got so much support and it meant so much to me. I hope people are still enjoying the story. Also, this is the point where MacCready and Violet's relationship begins to change so I hope that's interesting for you guys. I will stop babbling now!


	12. In the warm July sun

“Thank you, Vi. I don't think I ever would have had the guts to do that if you hadn't pushed me.”

And that had been that.

MacCready and I barely spoke during the following two weeks. It was incredible. Things had been so good for a day and then as if someone had flipped a switch, he seemed to like me even less than before. Which I hadn’t thought was possible. And all because I  _helped_ him.

At least I didn’t have to worry about Winlock and Barnes coming after him.

“He’s mad at me,” I confessed to Piper after the first week of radio silence, knowing Nick wasn’t the person to talk to about this. I felt like a sixteen year old, worrying about why her crush never noticed her. But this time it was my on and off friend who I paid to have around.

 _“He's_ mad at _you?”_ she said, leaning back on the mattress in her personal wooden shack. “The guy ditches you for a week without a word, you reward him by killing off the Gunners who had his number, and in return  _he's_ mad at _you?”_

I sighed, dropping next to her on the bed.

“That sums it up pretty well.”

She shook her head, but instead of scowling she smiled incredulously.

“Oh, Blue. You’re far too nice for this era. Was everyone a pushover before the war?”

I absentmindedly stared out the doorway of the shack, watching Dogmeat sleeping in the dying sun of the day.

“Only the special ones,” I murmured.

Midway through the second week I waited until the sun had tucked itself behind the horizon to climb the stairs of the sniper’s nest. It was like deja vu, though this time he was standing, staring intently out of the window. The creaking stairs alerted him to my presence and when I reached the top, he glanced over his shoulder.

“Hey,” I said, hesitation evident despite my best effort to sound relaxed.

When we’d gotten back from taking care of Winlock and Barnes, he’d helped me get to Doctor Carrington, who had come with the rest of the Railroad when we’d first cleared out the drive in. On the walk back from the highway I’d used a stimpak but my wounds still needed to be cleaned. After I’d been tended to, MacCready had thanked me for the help and disappeared into the concessions building.

The only time we’d spoken other than that was when we ran into each other during patrols of the drive in late at night. I’d say hello, he’d say hello, that would be it for the most part. One time I asked how he was doing and he said fine. It was awful.

So as I waited in the moonlight at the top of the stairs for him to respond to my greeting, I half expected him to say only hello and then ignore me.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, much to my surprise.

“No, nothing’s wrong. I thought I’d come talk to you.”

“Oh… why?”

My face burned a little and I stepped further in so that the light streamed over my neck and shoulder instead of my face. He really didn’t want to speak to me. How had I made him so upset with me?

“Um, well, I- It’s just- it’s almost been two weeks since the Winlock and Barnes thing,” I said, folding my arms across my chest. He didn’t say anything, just cocked an eyebrow expectantly. I swallowed, choking out, “I just thought, I dunno, that maybe you’d wanna… talk. I mean, you’ve always hated talking to me but… I don’t know.”

I could be charming when I needed to be. I knew how to get my way, how to wrap people around my finger. I was great at the events Nate would drag me to every now and then, dazzling all his superiors, his soldier buddies.

Moments like this had been rare before war, but ever since I’d met MacCready it’s as if I’d lost all my social skills.

He sighed and said, “I don’t hate talking to you, Violet.”

I laughed once.

“Could have fooled me.”

He rubbed his face, sitting on the windowsill behind him. The light brushed over the top of his head, his shoulders, but created a shadow across his face.

“I’m sorry. It’s complicated.”

I paused, biting my lip.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not with you,” he said brusquely, his words a slap in the face. My eyes widened and my mouth fell open. His eyes flickered to my expression and he must have realized the effect of what he said. “No- That’s not what I meant-”

“No, no, it’s fine. Why would I be the one you’d confide in?” I said, backing towards the stairs. “I’m sorry, this was stupid. I was bored and I thought- but it’s fine. I’ll leave you alone.”

I hurried down the stairs and didn’t stop until I reached the shed that was built behind the movie screen, slamming the door behind me. I twisted the lock shut, placing my palms flat on the cold metal, closing my eyes. What the hell had happened?

I’d known MacCready was far to truly opening up to me, and I was the same way- I didn’t even want him to lay his whole past in front of me. But still… I cared about him, he felt like a friend. I suppose that was what stung most about the situation. He was my friend, but I wasn’t his.

I was being so juvenile. Stressing over whether people liked me or not was supposed to end after high school and yet here I was, hyperventilating over a tiny rejection.

That was what made being married easy. Once Nate had proposed, all the fear, all the paranoia and self doubt had evaporated. He was already my best friend, but he became all I needed. Yes, I still had friends from college and from high school, though contact with them became less and less frequent as the years went by. But that hadn’t mattered. They’d all gotten married off as well, started having babies. They didn’t need me either.

Now, without someone to share my life with, friends suddenly seemed so crucial to my survival. Knowing that I’d hurt Nick and Piper caused me endless amounts of stress, making Deacon laugh at a stupid joke was something I strove for everyday, and now, MacCready’s approval of me -or lack there of- haunted me.

Something scratched against the door and I unlocked it, peeking my head out. Dogmeat was standing outside, wagging his tail and at the sight of him I grinned, allowing him entrance into my dusty room. He licked my hand as he passed, curling up at the foot of my mattress and closing his eyes. At least I didn’t have to worry about whether he liked me or not.

Two days later I’d gone to Sanctuary to pick up a new vault suit- this one from vault 114. My 111 one had been used and abused and it was time to put it to rest. Rinsing it in the river wasn’t going to fix the worn fabric, the gaping blood stained holes from my series of recent injuries. So I put on an outfit that I’d briefly worn during my first month in the Wasteland which had lead to me being dubbed ‘Scavver’ by every guard in Diamond City and headed to Sanctuary.

When I’d arrived back at the Drive in the next day, having spent the night in Sanctuary, I’d found Deacon leaning against my door, his arms folded across his chest. He lifted his sunglasses up, raising his eyebrows and looking me over.

“Charmer, new outfit?”

I laughed, coming to stand in front of him.

“Yep,” I said, spinning once as if it were a magnificent ball gown and not a crumpled, skin tight jumpsuit. “Fancy, huh?”

He snickered, resting his sunglasses back on his nose.

“Nothing like your old vault suit, not at all. Totally new and refreshing.”

“So what do you need?”

“It’s what Doctor Carrington needs,” he said, pulling away from the door. “He says one of our field agents, Old Man Stockton needs help with a runaway synth.”

My eyes lit up and I clasped my hands together in front of me, leaning up on my tiptoes.

“Do I have an actual Railroad mission!?” I cried.

Deacon laughed.

“Yeah. Why are you so excited?”

“Because I’ve never been given a mission from the Railroad!”

He cocked an eyebrow.

“I took you on a Railroad mission, Charmer. It was only like two weeks ago.”

I flopped my hand in front of him, rolling my eyes.

“That wasn’t a real Railroad mission, Deacon, I wasn’t even supposed to go on it. This time I’m _meant_ to go. It’s a mission  _for_ me.”

He shook his head, smiling and unfolding his arms.

“You’ll need to go see Old Man Stockton as soon as possible He’s in Bunkerhill. I can go with you, if you want, or you can take MacCready. Or both of us.”

I bit my lip, my eyes falling to the ground as I pondered his words. My first choice would be MacCready, seeing as he had been my travel buddy for a month and a half now. But after the other night… I was still embarrassed. I was not going to be the one seeking him out. “Are you two still having issues?”

My head snapped up and I scowled.

“We’re not having issues,” I said, indignant. “Why would you think we’re having issues?”

“Because you are. I know you are for the same reason I knew you’d come from a vault, that you’d killed Kellogg, and that you were the type of person who would fit perfectly with the Railroad,” he said, smirking the whole time. I narrowed my eyes.

“So you know because you’ve been spying on me?”

He shrugged, still unphased by my resentful glare.

“Don’t take it personally, Charmer. I spy on everyone. Did you know Dez talks in her sleep? Or that Nick keeps an old dirty magazine rolled up on the inside of his trench coat?” I giggled like a child, covering my mouth. He leaned in, and I did my best not to recoil from his closeness as he whispered, “Or that MacCready can’t sleep at night because he’s too busy making sure no ne'er do wells have broken into your room?”

My eyes widened and my cheeks warmed, which I did my best to cover up by pulling my hair over my shoulders in heavy, red waves.

“He does?”

“Don’t tell him I told you that. He strikes me as the type who might retaliate violently.”

With that said he marched away and around the corner. I watched him go, my eyes still cracked wide from what he’d said. A memory crept into my mind from the day we’d killed Winlock and Barnes.

_I couldn't sleep. By the way, you need to find a new place to sleep. If anyone comes through the main entrance, you're gonna be the first one to die._

So he couldn’t sleep then because he was worried about me. And apparently my new quarters did little to ease his mind. I should have felt guilty, knowing I was preventing him from getting proper rest. But instead, I smiled spitefully, finally having proof that he didn’t dislike me as much as he liked to pretend he did.

I raised my head, brushing my long hair over my shoulders and strode around the movie screen, much more at peace with the world. Unfortunately, MacCready was also walking around the screen and I slammed into his chest, crushing my nose.

“Ow- oh, Jesus Christ,” I sputtered, putting my hand over my nose. “You need a bell around your neck!”

“So do you!” he said, rubbing his sternum as if it were possible he might have been in more pain than me. When I checked my fingers for blood he managed to muster up some concern. “I’m sorry, are you okay?”

There was no blood, though my nose twinged with mild pain still. I dropped my hands away from my face, frowning up at him.

“I’m fine. What are you doing here?”

“I heard you’ve got a mission.”

I raised my eyebrows, surprised.

“Where’d you hear that?”

“Oh, from right here. I’ve been here for a few minutes now.”

My jaw dropped.

“Have you been spying on me?”

“Not regularly. I mean, this time I was just coming to talk to you and then I heard you Deacon talking and decided not to interrupt. What did Deacon whisper to you at the end there?” he asked, raising his arm and leaning against the wall with it, his brow crinkling. I rolled my eyes, walking passed him. “Hey!”

He jogged up beside me, adjusting his dumb hat.

“Why are you mad?”

“It’s like I’m sixteen again. The only difference is at least my bedroom has a lock on it now.”

There was a pause.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, baffled by my statement. I shook my head, dismissing the subject.

“Don’t worry. Anyway, yes, I have a mission. Do you want to come?”

“That’s why I’m here.”

******

Once Doctor Carrington had given me a broader description of my mission MacCready and I had hit the road. After finding the dead drop, we made our way to Bunkerhill and spoke with Old Man Stockton. From there, we were directed to an old church where there were a group of raiders we were supposed to deal with and then at night the synth would be brought to the church to be escorted to a second location by myself and another railroad agent I hadn't met before.

When we arrived at the church it was around five o’clock and we quickly got to work taking out the raiders around the perimeter of the building. It took us a little less than an hour to have the entire building cleared, both of us opting to go for a stealthy approach, unlike the last time we worked together.

Then there was nothing left to do but wait. It was only six and the sun was only just beginning to set, meaning it would still had about an hour or two before Stockton would give us the signal and the Synth would arrive.

So we sat down on a pew together and we waited.

The first fifteen minutes were… uncomfortable, to say the least. We’d talked minimally on our way to Bunkerhill and then on the way to the church we’d discussed strategies for taking out the raiders.

Now there were no distractions. Just MacCready and I sitting on a pew, side by side.

I swallowed, turning Deliverer over in my hands, examining every dent, scratch, trace of blood. MacCready had his sniper rifle balancing between his legs, the barrel pointed at the ceiling and he fiddled with it too, obviously trying the same distraction tactic as I was.

Suddenly he sighed, making me jump and whip my head to the left to look at him. He was already looking at me, his head lolled lazily to the side as if it took all his energy to talk to me.

“What?” I asked, feeling self conscious under his silent stare. _“What?”_

He half smiled, leaning on his knees, the sniper rifle falling against the back of the pew in front of us. He hung his head, exhaling loudly.

“Can’t really avoid talking to you now, can I?”

I scoffed, rolling my eyes and folding my arms. Of course that was what he was thinking. An unexpected amount of irritation came with his rhetorical question and I chewed on the inside of my cheek, keeping my eyes forward.

“This must be disastrous for you,” I muttered, hardly managing to disguise the venom in my tone.

“So you’re mad at me.”

“You could say that.” I clenched my jaw, attempting to reign in my anger. “You disappeared for a week, and I didn’t question you, Mac. When you told me about wanting to pay off Winlock and Barnes, I offered to help you get rid of them instead. I happily threw myself into danger for you. And what do you do in return?”

“Violet-”

“Give me the goddamn silent treatment? What the hell, Mac? Do I mean anything to you?” I snapped. He said nothing in response, his eyes shifting to the right of me. I hadn’t intended to blow up at him about this, I was going to move on from it. But here I was. My rage abruptly fizzled, dowsed by the question I’d wanted to ask him two weeks ago when he’d come back. I hung my head, my hair falling over my shoulders in a heavy, red curtain. “Mac… why’d you go?”

My voice was soft, timid, and for a moment I thought he didn’t hear me since I saw no physical reaction from the corner of my eye. Then he exhaled as if he’d been holding his breath. He removed his hat, running his fingers through his thick hair.

“I needed some space.”

“From what?”

My prying seemed to annoy him and he fidgeted, still unable to look at me.

“From everything, alright? From Piper, from the Railroad-” he paused, making meaningful eye contact with me. “From you.”

His words hurt more than I'd expected and my anger was reignited, my head whipping up, my eyes locking with his.

“I didn't know I was so hard to be around,” I said, ignoring the fact that he would often complain about traveling with me. MacCready sighed, rubbing one side of his face with his hand. “This whole month and a half must have been such a trial for you. How awful must it have been to spend a morning with me when we took out Winlock and Barnes.”

“Violet, stop-”

I angled myself towards him, clenching my fists.

“At least I got injured, right? The whole thing would have been a bust if I hadn’t gotten a little banged up.”

I was shaking, so hurt, so furious that my fists trembled and my muscles coiled, as if maybe I might hit him. His eyes were wide, his shock barely visible, the setting sun creating a shadow over his face.

“You know that’s not what’s happening-”

“How am I supposed to know that if you _won't talk to me!?”_

I stood, gripping my gun tightly in my trembling hand, glowering down at him. His mouth was ajar, as if there was something he wanted to say. But then he closed it and I climbed over the pew rather than cross in front of him. “I’ll wait for them outside.”

“Violet-”

“Shut up, Mac. It’s what you’re good at.”

Since there was no door to the church for me to dramatically slam, I opted to walk laps around the church, shedding my anger with every passing minute. Soon I came to a halt, resting my back against the wall beside the opening to the church, folding my arms, my gun holstered.

Admittedly, I might have overreacted. Yes, my anger had been legitimate, but it also had been a little exaggerated. Did he have to be so nonsensical? One second I was hearing from Deacon that he cared enough about me to specifically check on me at night, then he was telling me he needed space from me.

I knew I irritated him, but still. What could I have possibly done to drive him away like that? Piper made sense, she’d snapped at him. The Railroad made sense, he didn’t give a shit about their cause. But me? What had I done other than be too polite sometimes?

I chewed on the inside of my cheek thoughtfully, ignoring the dull sense of hurt that the conversation had created. Soon I heard the sound of footsteps and I looked up, spotting Stockton and another man approaching me. I beckoned them inside, entering the church for the first time in an hour, suspecting it was better to greet them out of sight of potential prying eyes.

MacCready stood as we entered, his expression impossible to decipher in the brief seconds I saw it. I turned, facing Stockton and the synth.

“Everything looks clear,” Stockton said. “This is H2-22. H2, here’s the person I talked to you about.”

I reached out, smiling, and shaking H2’s hand. He was hesitant at first, but after a brief moment he smiled.

“It’s nice to meet you, H2.”

“Another person actually happy to meet me,” he said, genuinely surprised. “This’ll take some getting used to.”

“Remember what I told you, H2. I’ll fire up the signal.”

Stockton left after lighting a lantern in the window and it was another waiting game. Thankfully, it was brief, and within five minutes a bald man in a leather jacket arrived. I kept my gun aimed low but was prepared to fire if things went belly up.

“Charmer, right?” he said, the use of my codename comforting me a little. He continued, “I heard about you.Walked the Freedom Trail, cleared out the Switchboard. Glad you joined the team.”

After telling him the code phrase and him speaking with H2, we headed out of the church. MacCready followed wordlessly and when High Rise -the Railroad agent- questioned me about him I did my best to explain our circumstance. He was my trusted hired gun who Dez didn’t appear to have a problem with.

We escorted H2 from point A to point B with little resistance, only stumbling upon two feral ghouls, and a small group of raiders on the way. High Rise informed me that if I ever needed shelter or food, the Ticonderoga Safehouse was always open for me and then MacCready and I began our journey back to the drive in.

I should have been excited. I’d completed my first real Railroad mission with no trouble at all. But all I could do was think about MacCready and I’s argument. As we walked in silence, I bit my lip, lost in thought.

We arrived back at the drive in at around nine o’clock at night and we still hadn’t spoken to each other. As we reached the concessions building I came to a stop and MacCready did too, understanding that we were going to talk despite the lack of verbal communication.

“If you don’t want to be here, you don’t need to be. Your job is done.”

 _“What?”_ he said, taken aback by my statement.

“I have Piper, I have Nick, you’ve done more than three hundred caps worth of work, and you don’t care about the Railroad.”

“So? I never cared about the Railroad. You point, I shoot, remember?”

“Well, I’m done with that and it seems as if maybe you are too. You don’t like being here, you’ve made that clear. So go.”

I began to walk away, my back to him.

“Violet, no, wait-”

He caught my wrist. I removed my arm from his grasp, spinning around and putting my hands on my hips. His eyes were black, his face shrouded in shadow. “Look, when I left I was going through something. I trust you. Traveling with you… Well, it beats drinking myself to death in Goodneighbor.”

I swallowed, my anger, my reluctant hurt feelings from earlier returning, making it hard to speak.

“But you did leave because of me?”

He hesitated.

“Yes. And the other crap I mentioned.”

I nodded, looking down in an attempt to hide how what he said stung me. I asked myself again: How had I driven him to leave? I knew I annoyed him sometimes, but other than that I'd been good to him, I'd paid him, I'd saved his life a couple times too. I’d even freed him from the Gunners.

“Did I do something wrong?” I finally asked, my eyes flickering to him, the moonlight hitting my right eye.

He just looked at me, seemingly mystified by something I couldn't spot. He swallowed and pulled his hat off, running a hand through his hair, looking away.

“No, you didn't- I can't explain it.”

“Mac-”

“I  _wont_ explain it,” he clarified, his tone taking on a new edge. “It's none of your business, Violet.”

My mouth dropped open and I turned to face him entirely, my hands tightening on my hips.

“Are you kidding me? I paid you, MacCready, to stay with me! To keep me alive! You were supposed to stay by my side unless I let you go! And what's so stupid is if you had just  _asked_ me, I would have let you go. I'm not a slave driver, I understand if you need time off- I  _told_ you that I did before we left to see the railroad three weeks ago!”

“Violet, I know, I messed up-”

“No, don't.” I dropped my hands. “Like I said, you’re free. Free from the Gunners, free from the Railroad and free from me. Have a nice life, MacCready.”

I started to walk again, feeling very heavy.

“Violet,” MacCready called, but I ignored him. His feet beat against the ground as he pursued me. I knew everyone must have been able to hear us fighting out in the open like this. The urge to start running was powerful, as juvenile as it was. I ignored it, coming to a halt. MacCready swung in front of me. “Would you quit being so dramatic?”

My jaw dropped.

_“Dramatic?”_

“Yeah. This doesn’t have to be a big deal. I left, I came back. I stopped talking to you, and now I’ll start talking to you. I’m sorry, I just needed-”

“Space? I know, MacCready, you said that already. And it doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Why are you mad at me?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m not anymore. I’m sorry I was a jerk, okay? Can we just move on?” he said, uncomfortable.

“No! I helped you and you threw it back in my face. I’ve felt like such a fucking idiot for two weeks now because of you! You owe me an explanation.”

He groaned, his head falling back. He looked everywhere but at me. He opened his mouth but no sound came out and then he slammed it shut, only to attempt to speak a moment later. I took a step towards him, not allowing him any personal space, hoping my unabashed closeness would make him even more uncomfortable.

“You know why I helped you?” I asked, my voice quiet, but sharp. I glanced between his two eyes until he looked at me. “Because you’re my friend, MacCready. Even if I’m not yours.”

I was prepared to leave for real this time, but then his hand slipped into one of his pockets and he developed a rather hefty pouch from within. Judging by the way it rattled, it was full of caps. He held it out towards me and I raised an eyebrow, too confused to keep my disappointed grimace on my face. “What are you doing?”

His voice wavered, contrasting with the unyielding eye contact he made with me, his blue eyes determined. “It’s the three hundred caps. I want you to have them back.”

My eyes widened a fraction.

“What? Why?”

He shoved the pouch closer to me.

“Because I’m not helping you because you paid me anymore,” he muttered and I hesitantly took it from him, still frowning, perplexed.

“I don’t understand.”

His eyes fell to the cracked asphalt under our feet and he sighed.

“Helping me with the gunners? No one’s ever done something like that for me before. So I want you to take the caps back. But I’m not leaving. I’m going to keep helping you.”

There was a moment of silence and a smile crept onto my face.

“Is it because you care about me-”

“Yes, alright? Are you happy? You’re my friend, now let’s never bring it up again.”

“Where’s Piper when you need her,” I said, grinning at him.

“What?”

“Well, someone needs to document this. No one will believe me when I tell them that you and I are best friends forever.”

Mac groaned, backing away from me. “I knew I’d regret this.”

“Where are you going, best friend?”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Alright, good night, best friend!” I called, waving emphatically regardless of the fact that his back was to me.

“Stop talking!”

He entered the diner and I watched him throw himself up the stairs, hoping to get as far away from me as possible. I kept beaming as I turned around and trekked over to the movie screen. Deacon was sure to have seen the whole thing and I wasn’t looking forward to whatever jokes he would crack about it later. But for now I would bathe in my small victory.  
I supposed if he was going to admit to that though, it was about time I told him about my past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the new comments and kudos! I hope this chapter isn't a disappointment. I feel like nothing happens but also EVERYTHING happens at the same time. Anyway, I'm very tired so I'm gonna keep this short. Thanks for all the support, I love you.


	13. I'm the jet black sky

“What are you drawing?” MacCready asked, leaning over my shoulder. I slammed my book shut, glaring at him. We were sitting up in his sniper’s nest and he was supposed to be on guard.

The next month after my Railroad mission had sped by. And by sped by, I mean it went at the pace of a snail. The Railroad didn’t have another job for me and that left me with nothing to pass the time. A week into the maddening waiting period after I’d helped H2, I started writing again; something I hadn’t done since before Shaun was born. But apparently the Commonwealth had destroyed my creativity in that department for now, so instead, I tried my hand at drawing.

I wasn’t very good, having only dabbled in it a little bit before the war, but it helped make the days go by a little faster.

“Nothing, Nosy. Eyes on the horizon.”

He scoffed but went back to watching the area beyond the drive in. I bit my lip, curling my fingers around the worn journal that doubled as my sketch pad. MacCready and I spent about four out of seven days together. Not always the whole day, but at least a few hours, and we generally patrolled together at night.

It almost seemed too good to be true, that I might be on good terms with all the people in my life. Still, at least once while I was with him I would feel guilty for still not having told him the truth about my past.

It just didn’t seem relevant. I didn’t want to come off like I was trying to get sympathy from him and it was hard enough for me to open up when people asked. It seemed impossible for me to do so without any kind of prompting, especially with MacCready.

“You okay?”

His words drew me from my thoughts and my eyes snapped up to meet his. The sun was setting, casting glowing rays of light through the window, making his eyes a few shades lighter blue than usual.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

He seemed to be contemplating something, tapping the floor with the butt of his rifle. “What?”

“You know, we’ve known each other for a while now.”

“Mmhmm…” I did the math as fast as I could. “About two and a half months now. Why?”

He half smiled, eyes on the floor instead of me as he continued to fiddle with his gun. I wanted to tell him not to point it straight at his head but last time I'd done that it had lead to a brief lecture on how he was better with a gun than I'd ever be.

“We barely know anything about each other.”

Here was my moment. We were going to both discuss our pasts, possibly trade stories. It was the perfect opportunity. I wouldn't feel gross for randomly bringing up my tragic backstory and I would also learn his. “Vi?”

“I was just thinking about something,” I said, internally cringing at my explanation. I could have just moved on to his topic.

“About what?”

I opened my mouth but hesitated. He quirked an eyebrow. “So the usual?”

My mouth clamped shut and I frowned.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He grinned.

“I was implying that you were thinking about nothing,” he said and I rolled my eyes. “But really, what were you thinking about?”

“I was thinking about how I… I need to go.”

What? That wasn’t what I’d been thinking about at all.

I got to my feet, heading towards the stairs. MacCready hurried after me and I came to a stop as he spoke. “Wait, Vi, I thought you were gonna keep me entertained while I’m on watch.”

I peered at him over my shoulder.

“Are you saying you enjoy spending time with me, Mac?” I said, smirking. He took a reflexive step back, as if I had burst into flames.

“Nah, never.”

I laughed, making my way down the stairs. Inside my stomach was knotting and I exhaled heavily as I made my way across the drive in. I’d been spending a lot of time with Piper, Nick, and Deacon too, but the idea of being around any of them just made my stomach hurt more. I was a chicken. Why was it so hard for me to just be honest with him?

When I reached my room I continued to draw and eventually wrote in my journal for the first time in two weeks.

_Day 37 at the Drive in._

_Today passed like every other here since my mission. Slowly and uneventfully. I attempted to tell Mac about my past again and failed. And by ‘attempted’ I mean opened my mouth and then said something completely different. I don’t know why I can’t just say it. It’s not a big deal, it’s not shameful. Part of me thinks that once I tell him our whole dynamic is gonna shift for the worst. Like maybe he’ll stop teasing me because he’ll see me as a lost, broken prewar housewife. Of course, that’s what I am, isn’t it? A relic from another era._

I twisted my wrist to look at my pipboy and write down the date.

_December 22nd, 2287_

I gasped, covering my mouth and my eyes widening. It had been three months and one week since I'd woken up in the vault. But more importantly, it was almost Christmas. I hadn’t even realize- what with the lack of snow and the constant threats in the Wasteland serving as a distraction. It had gotten colder, forcing me to wear a leather trenchcoat when I went out sometimes but nothing like before the war.

When Halloween had rolled around I didn’t bothered mentioning it to anyone, knowing it was a lost cause, and Thanksgiving had passed without me even noticing. My chest ached at the longing for a holiday, a sense of tradition and closeness that came with Christmas.

I wondered if I could wrangle some of the people here into celebrating a holiday that meant nothing to them. Piper had gone back to diamond city a week and a half ago to spend some time with Nat, but maybe I could lure them both here for the festivities…

There was a knock on my door and I jumped, gasping and dropping my journal.

I scrambled to my feet, walking over to the door and throwing it open. MacCready was standing on the other side, his hat already off and a frustrated mask on his handsome face, shadows cast over one side of his features from the light that hung to the right of my door.

“Mac? What are you-”

Wordlessly, he pulled something out of his pocket, holding it in front of my face. It was my wedding photo, the one that had been sitting on my shelf in Sanctuary, last time I’d seen it.

“Where did you get that!?” I demanded, snatching the picture out of his hand. There I was, grinning at the camera, Nate kissing my cheek. My heart panged at the sight of it, but the mourning was quickly overshadowed by my frustration.

“In your house. It’s you, right?”

“Yes, but why do you have it-”

He stepped back, his hand going to his hip where his pistol sat, and my blood ran cold.

“What are you? Are you a synth?”

“No-”

It was happening now. He was going to find out, and not because I told him, but because he’d finally given up and called me out on my lies of omission. It was hard to feel guilty when I was trying to calculate how long he’d had the photo for. His hand on the handle of his gun wasn’t helping either.

“That picture’s prewar. How are you two hundred years old, Violet,” he snapped, my name bitter in his mouth.

“MacCready-”

“What are you!?” He demanded, pulling the gun out a fraction. My heart was pounding in my chest, my hands tingling like they had when I’d have to do a presentation in class during elementary school. I raised my hands, panicked, unsure of how to make myself seem less threatening.

“I'm human! I'm just human!” I gasped, my chest heaving as I took in frantic breaths. “You have to have had this for over a month, why are you just freaking out now?”

He dropped his hand that held been holding the photo, his expression a mix of anger, fear, and… hurt?

“Because it might not have been you- I hoped it wasn’t you. Because if it was you… then you had to be a synth. But how could you be? The Institute didn’t exist before the war, did it?” he asked more to himself than to me.

He was scared now because he had no explanation other than that I was a synth, which meant he was feeling stupid for befriending someone who by his standards wasn’t real. But once I explained the truth, instead he was going to feel betrayed because I’d kept so many secrets from him.

What was worse?

“The day the bombs fell, my husband, my son and I all took shelter in a vault. We were cryogenically frozen. I woke up about three months ago. That's why I'm so young- why I'm not a ghoul.”

“It doesn't sound possible,” he said, an edge to his tone.

“I know, I know, but it is. Vault Tec did fucked up experiments on all the vaults, I guess.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, his voice low, even more wounded than I’d anticipated. It was like a punch to my stomach. I opened mouth, unsure of what to say.

“Because I didn’t- I thought it would be better if we didn’t know each other. I didn’t want things to get personal. Neither did you.”

He rolled his eyes.

“We’re a little passed that, don’t you think?”

“I know but-”

“ I pointed out that we didn’t know each today, I gave you the perfect opportunity! It’s been two months, Vi, you could have told me, why didn’t you?”

“If you wanted to know whether I was a synth or not, then why didn’t you just ask?”

“I don’t know! I was hoping you would trust me enough to tell me!” he snapped.

“Look, it’s not like you’ve told me anything about yourself either,” I argued, my defensiveness coming out as anger. I knew I was in the wrong, I knew I shouldn’t have been playing the victim.

“That’s because you haven’t asked! I asked some questions! But you lied to me!”

“You might not have lied, but you still haven’t told me why you needed space from me! You dodge questions! Don’t pretend you’re innocent in all of this. And it’s not like I lied, I just didn’t tell you. You never asked me either!”

“I asked you how old you were, Vi, and you told me you were twenty-four!”

“Well, it’s easier than saying two hundred and thirty-four,” I said weakly, knowing that my argument was crumbling.

He scoffed, backing away.

“You’re unbelievable.”

He stormed around the corner and I ran after him. He didn’t stop, but he didn’t slow down from his brisk pace and I jogged next to him, huffing impatiently.

“Look who’s being dramatic now,” I said.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No, I’m not. You’re actively not telling me the truth about something, you’ve ditched me twice, and you made a point of treating me like I didn’t matter for the first month of this partnership. All I did was lie about my age and not explain my past.”

We arrived at the diner and he spun around, facing me, and I skidded to a half a few inches from him. He glared down at me, and his height, his broad frame were suddenly very apparent.

I’d noticed his size when I first met him, but it hadn’t really crossed my mind again. Now, under the moonlight with his features shrouded and from such a close proximity he seemed like a giant. Of course, this was probably just because I myself was fairly small.

“I trusted you, Violet. I told you I did. Does anyone know about what happened to you?”

Uh, oh. This wasn’t going to help my case. My throat was thick and I took in a shaking breath. I wasn’t going to lie to him, no matter how much it hurt him.

“Yes.”

“Who knows?”

I hung my head.

“Everyone,” I murmured.

_“What?”_

“Everyone but you knows, Mac.”

He stumbled back, as if I’d slapped him, pushing his hair back, his eyes wide.

“I get how we’d wanted to keep things impersonal at the beginning… but that had obviously fallen apart about a month into this. I gave you back the caps, I made it clear that… that you were my friend. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

I blinked, furiously fighting back the tears that were welling in my eyes. Moonlight was shining directly on my face, giving him a nice view of my trembling lips, my furrowed brows, my uncontrollably vulnerable state. I wished we could have traded places. But if I was able to fully see his look of complete and utter betrayal, I don’t think I could have remained standing.

“Mac, I’m sorry,” I croaked pathetically, a tear dripping down my cheek.

“Why force me to admit I cared about you if you were so determined to shut me out?” he asked, his voice rising in volume.

“I’m not shutting you out- I just didn’t want to tell you, I didn’t want you to think I was looking for sympathy. I  _hate_ being the sad, prewar vault dweller. I liked that you made fun of me, treated me like maybe I wasn’t a fragile little girl. I didn’t want you to change how you treated me.”

He shook his head, turning away from me. “Mac, wait-”

“I’m not going to leave again,” he said, his voice cold. “You’ve helped me too much for me to just leave over this. But things aren’t going to be the same.”

Anger bubbled up in me, triggered by my hysterics.

“You’re full of shit, you know that? You’ve ditched me twice! You won’t tell me the truth even when I ask. You don’t want to open up to me either, the silent treatment stunt was proof of that. I helped you and you _scolded_ me and then ignored me. You wanna act so righteous, Mr. Hired Gun? Try not being such a miserable asshole first.”

With that, I stalked past him, exiting the drive in. I should have gone back to my room, should have locked my door and gone to bed. But I was too mad, too guilty, too hurt. I didn’t want to be in the drive in anymore, I didn’t want to see Nick, or Deacon, or Dez. I didn’t want to see the teleporter. I didn’t want to think about Shaun or Nick.

I didn’t want to be me.

Once I’d made it about two minutes away, I fell to my knees, burying my face in my hands as I sobbed. Why did I screw up every relationship I’d made since waking up? Why couldn’t I do anything right anymore?

It seemed like the last good thing I’d done was marry Nate. And now I didn’t even have him.

I had nothing.

I was worth nothing.

I was a fucked up housewife who was in way over her head. Why had I thought I could do any of this? How could I possibly find my son when I was so obviously cursed?

Hands grabbed my biceps, spinning me around, and relief flooded through me. He’d come after me. He hadn’t let me go.

“Mac, I'm sorry-”

But it wasn’t Mac. My hairs stood on end and my stomach flipped. I was greeted by the distinctive masked face of a raider and I threw myself backwards, attempting to break free of their grip.

“Get the fuck away from me,” I growled, but they were too strong.

A rag came over my face from above me and what must have been a second raider yanked it tight, covering my mouth. My vision was obscured as a sac was shoved over my head and I screamed, my voice terrifyingly muffled under the gag.

The first raiders hands were replaced by whoever had put the bag on my head, and then arms wrapped around my thighs, lifting me into the air. I thrashed in their grasp, shrieking uselessly and kicking my legs limitedly.

_“Mac! MacCready!”_

At least that's what I tried to say through the rag over my mouth.

“Shut the fuck up,” the man by my head said, one of his hands moving from my arm to my neck as he pulled my back to his chest. He hissed in my ear, “No one knows you’re gone, no one can hear you from here, and no one’s gonna know where to find you. You’re weaker than us, and you’re outnumbered. So shut your trap.”

He had a good point. The idea of continuing to fight their grasp was tempting, just so I wasn’t making things easy for them, but my chest was too heavy. I was too depressed, and too defeated to be a pest, so I became still. Eventually the second raider threw me over his shoulder, and I allowed them to carry me silently to what would undoubtedly be my death.

******

What couldn’t have been more than an hour passed when I heard the creak of stairs under the raiders feet. Abruptly I was dropped to the floor, landing flat on my ass, my head hitting a wall. I grunted, ripping the bag off of my head and tried to get to my feet.

The raider who I assumed was the one who had been carrying me shoved me back to the floor, sneering.

“Uh-uh. Stay the fuck down, bitch.”

Lovely.

Standing before me was the raider wearing the gas mask who had initially grabbed me, the one who wore no helmet but a pair of cracked aviators who had carried me, a female raider with the side of her head shaved, the rest of her hair long and blonde, and a broad raider with what appeared to be wearing pitchers mask. They all wielded assorted guns, except for the woman, who had a baseball bat with nails hammered into it dangling in her hand.

She smirked at me, stepping forward.

“This the one you were talking about?” she asked, crouching down in front of me.

“Yeah, that’s her,” the raider with the gasmask spat.

I glared at him, pretending I wasn’t the most confused I’d ever been besides when I’d woken up in the vault. The woman reached out with her dirty hand, gripping my chin, examining me as if I were livestock.

“She’s fucking tiny. She doesn’t look like much of a threat.”

“I could say the same about you,” I snapped, jerking my head out of her grasp.

Unexpectedly she pulled her free hand back, letting her fist fly forward and punched me right in the eye. I fell to the side, barely catching myself, seeing stars.

“Trust me, she took out Gutter all by herself.”

“No kidding?” the woman said as if she were pleasantly surprised. I had no fucking clue who Gutter was, or why I was here, or why this raider thought I was significant in anyway.

I sat up slowly, my left cheekbone and eyebrow throbbing from the hit. I clenched my jaw, pondering my chances of survival if I tried to bolt now. I’d probably be dead before I even got to my feet. It didn’t help that I’d taken off my holster yesterday, figuring I didn’t need my weapon until it was my turn to patrol the drive in. “So this bitch and her friends took out the entire camp at the drive in?”

“Yeah.”

“And she’s a high ranking member of the Railroad?” she asked, her words making everything clear.

“I already told you all this, Venus! Yes!”

So the guy in the gasmask had escaped when we’d cleared the drive in last month, and now they’d kidnapped me because they thought I was in a leadership position.

“Shit,” I muttered, letting my head fall back onto the wall of the shack.

“What’d you say they called her?” the woman -Venus- asked.

“Charmer.”

She grinned at me, revealing a missing tooth on the far right side of her mouth.

"Well, Charmer, let’s see who’ll pay more. The Railroad to get you back alive, or the Brotherhood of Steel to get their hands on you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not, I already had it planned that Mac and Vi would get in another big fight before people told me they loved drama haha! Anyway, prep for some action next chapter and some more angst! Thanks for the comments and kudos!


	14. That's just before the rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of violence.

The next day, I came to miss the monotony of the drive in. After announcing their intention to ask for ransom money from the two opposing factions, Venus had had the biggest raider, Leto, tie me up and drag me to a shack in the furthest reaches of the raider camp. Like most of the raider camps, very few of the shacks had complete walls, including the place I was kept, meaning I could see the sky above the waist high walls, see raiders milling around, arguing, killing the occasional passer by.

It had been around eleven at night when I’d arrived at the camp, and after about an hour of silent panic, I fell asleep curled up on the wooden floor of the shack.

Though I did my best to not show it on my face, the whole thing was quite distressing. Part of me wished they’d just kill me so I wouldn’t have to hear their bickering, their prolonged discussions of their preferred torture tactics, their longing for a specific chem they had run out of, and the screams of their victims.

If they hadn’t tied the rag around my mouth I might have started shouting to prevent people from walking by the camp.

I was never alone. First Leto stayed and guarded me, silent, with his back to me almost the entire time. Then there was a woman I didn’t recognize, with gnarled red hair a few shades darker than my own who just kind of looked at me like I was a meal for the three hours of her shift. 

The raider who came to relieve her was the one who wore the gas mask and he watched me for a minute before slowly approaching. He was gripping his pipe pistol in front of him and it looked like maybe the rusted metal might shatter under his tight grasp. He came to crouch right in front of me like Venus had, moving the rag away from my mouth, allowing me to speak.

“Stay back,” I said weakly.

I scooted away, only to immediately hit the wall, my feet scraping uselessly on the wooden floor. There was nowhere for me to go.

His hand moved along his belt line and he plucked out a switchblade, clicking it so that the tip almost hit my nose. I swallowed, still trying to press myself as far into the wall as I could manage. “Your whole ransom plan goes to shit if you kill me.”

“I know,” he said, his voice muffled within the mask. 

Slowly, he waved the knife back and forth and I followed it, my hands clammy, fingers ice cold. I swallowed and he pressed the tip of it gently into my jugular, light enough that it couldn’t do any damage, but hard enough that it stung, was impossible to ignore. “All those people you killed… they were my friends.”

“You’re a raider, you’re not honestly going to play the victim card are you?”

His free hand snapped forward, tangling in the hair at the back of my neck, yanking my head back, the blade digging harder into my throat. I gasped, my eyes wide, my mouth agape as I wondered if this was it. I was going to die because I’d made a snide comment. 

Nick had warned me about running my mouth.

My chest rose and fell dramatically as I breathed in and out, panic-stricken. 

“You fucking bitch,” he snarled, his masked face mere inches from my own. Steadily, he dragged the tip of the knife across my neck, and I stifled a shriek as my skin ripped. The cut was undoubtedly narrow and not very deep- nothing lethal. That didn’t mean it felt good. “I might not be able to kill you, but I can make you suffer.”

Blood trickled down my throat, making my skin crawl but I didn’t dare move when his knife was still pushing into my neck. Tears filled my eyes and I closed them, breathing in deeply through my nose, hoping this hell would pass.

That was when fast moving footsteps echoed off of the three steps that lead to the shack and my eyes cracked open. Venus jogged up behind the raider, latching onto his collar and yanking him back violently. He skidded a foot or two away, dropping his switchblade and by some divine miracle it landed in my lap. 

Venus turned to face him and while they were both distracted I covered the opened switchblade with my bound hands, biting my lip harshly, as if I might make a sound that would give my plan away.

“Donny, what the fuck are you doing?” Venus growled, laughing immediately after. “We’re not supposed to kill the hostage, remember?”

“I wasn’t gonna kill her!”

Venus put a booted foot on his chest, forcing him to bend into the wall, and he grunted in discomfort. 

“You didn’t come here to kill her, but we both know how this was gonna end.”

“I wasn’t-”

She applied more pressure and Donny released a strangled cry.

“Be honest now, Donny,” she said, and although her back was to me I could perfectly picture the wicked smirk on her pretty face.

“Alright, alright! I probably woulda killed her!”

Venus removed her foot and extended her hand to Donny, who hesitantly took it. She hauled him to his feet, slapping a hand on his back. 

“It’s okay, Donny, we all want to kill her.” 

Swiftly she shoved her forearm into his throat, pinning him against a support beam, leaning up on her tiptoes to make up for the height difference. “But if we kill her, we lose the caps, and do you know what happens if we lose the caps?”

He let out a choked sound, unable to reply. Venus shoved harder, her voice going up an octave as she continued. “We don’t get anymore chems, Donny! If we kill her we don’t get anymore fucking chems! Is that what you fucking want? Do you want a camp of twelve people all going through fucking withdrawals, Donny? You fucking idiot!”

She wrapped her fingers around the collar of his leather jacket, swinging him to the entrance of the shack and throwing him down the stairs. She was breathing heavily, her pin straight blonde hair disheveled as she stared down at him. 

“If you fucking come in here again I will kill you, you got that? I won’t have Leto bash your head in or blow your brains out, I will kill you myself and I will make it slow. Now get the fuck out of my sight, you goddamn insect!”

Smoothing her hair and inhaling deeply, she turned to face me, smiling at me in a way that revealed her missing tooth. My mouth was hanging open and I promptly snapped it shut. “Sorry about that. I needed to make an example of him. Wouldn’t want someone else getting the idea in their head that they can have some fun and cut you up.”

She crossed the small space between us, dropping onto the ground and crossing her legs. I didn’t say anything, only raised an eyebrow. “So, Charmer, why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself? I’m sure you’re a real treat to talk to, what with a codename like that.”

Silence hung in the air, a few tense seconds passing as I blinked, unresponsive. All I could think about was the knife hidden under my clasped hands, the exposed blade rubbing lightly against my skin. Venus sighed, scooting closer to me.

“Come on, this doesn’t have to be a totally miserable experience,” she said. “You’ve been here for what? Sixteen hours? You must be a little bored.”

“The knife game sated my need for entertainment,” I said, smiling curtly.

She laughed, rocking back, gripping her knees. 

“Did you just use the word sated? I didn’t think I’d ever hear that word again.” She sat normally, smiling at me, an edge to her light green eyes. “You’re smart, aren’t you, Charmer?”

“Only compared to some.”

She cackled, her eyes enlarged, crazed. 

“Ooh, I like you,” she said, nodding. “Well, if you’re not gonna tell me about yourself, I’ll tell you a bit about myself instead. I’ve been the leader of this camp for about a year now and despite being located uncomfortably close to a camp of super mutants, we’re still standing. Do you know why?”

I didn’t reply, only watched her with a razor sharp glare.

“Because I’m smart too, Charmer.”

While she spoke, I examined her features, her surprisingly beautiful features that were smeared with a layer of charcoal in a sort of mask over the top half of her face. I noticed that despite being thin like everyone in the Commonwealth, there was still a roundness to her face and beneath the smudges on her skin, I could just make out… pimples? 

Now of course people in the Wasteland were bound not to have the clearest skin, what with the air quality, the lack of proper hygiene, not to mention the stress of everyday possibly being your last. But this… this was different.

“How old are you?” I asked, cutting off her explanation of how she kept the super mutants at bay. The gist was that she had made an agreement to bring them fresh meat twice a week in exchange for them leaving their camp alone. 

She seemed caught off guard by my inquiry and she furrowed her brows together.

“Twenty-two,” she said confidently. Too confidently. 

I smirked.

“No you’re not. What are you? Fifteen? Sixteen?”

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” she said, smiling rigidly.

“Seventeen?”

Her fist shot out, colliding with the same spot she’d hit me in yesterday. If I didn’t already have a black eye I was sure to now. I fell to the side, remembering the knife in my lap and I gripped it tightly so it didn’t slip free. The sharp side sliced open my palm and I bit down on the inside of my cheek as not to cry out. I sat up gradually, my hair in my face. “I guessed it, didn’t I?”

She hit me again, this time in the side of the mouth. My head whipped to the side but thankfully I didn’t fall completely over this time. I could feel warm blood spreading across my hand. I smirked, tasting blood in my mouth.

“Seventeen? Then you’re just a little girl.”

Venus growled, her fist colliding with my jaw, my cheek bone, my mouth. My head swelled, pain flaring through my entire face and I leaned onto the wall, barely able to keep my eyes open. I didn't know why I was choosing to put myself through this; I think it was just nice to know I was getting in my captors head.

She stood, shaking her fist and I noticed through my swollen left eye that her knuckles were coated in blood, some mine, some hers. I grinned, my lip aching. 

“I thought people weren’t meant to torture me?”

She sucked on a knuckle, cringing and leaving blood on her lips when she dropped her hand back to her side.

“They’re not supposed to kill you. The only reason I stopped Donny from playing his little ‘knife game’ is because I know him. He couldn’t have stopped himself, this whole thing’s too personal for him. Everyone else? Well, they don’t really care that you and your friends slaughtered that camp. Which means they’ll be able to show some restraint if they decide to come and play with you.”

My stomach went hollow and all the blood drained from my face- well, for the most part. “No, Charmer, I’m not going to stop anyone from hurting you. In fact, after that little stunt, I’m gonna encourage it.”

She walked over to the entrance of the shack. I spat blood out on the floor, trailing my tongue over my blood stained teeth.

“That’s a little juvenile, don’t you think?”

She smiled at me over her shoulder, her shoulders tensing and her hands balling into fists.

“Maybe a little.”

******

Despite the incident with Venus, no one else decided to torture me that day. Maybe it was because my face was already fairly swollen and bloody, maybe it was because they’d seen how Donny had been treated; I wasn’t sure. Whatever it was though, I was grateful for it.

Luckily, everyone who guarded me for the rest of that day didn’t face me for the most part. That made it much harder for them to notice how much blood had leaked onto my pants, all over my laced fingers. I had to have my feet curled up to my chest for the rest of they day, concealing my hands in my lap, but still, if they’d been more observant they would have figured out what was going on pretty quickly.

When night came I discretely tucked the knife into my vault suit, curling up on my side like I had the night before and fell into a restless sleep.

In the morning I was greeted by ice cold water being poured directly onto my head. I gasped, bolting upright, blinking furiously as the water trickled down my back, my chest. Leto and Venus stood in front of me, him looking just as bored as he had the night I’d been brought here and her with a mad grin on her face.

“Good morning, Charmer,” she said.

I coughed, noticing how tender the left side of my face was. I curled my legs inward, hiding my blood stained hands. I wanted desperately to wipe some of the water off of my face. “Chatty as usual.”

Pointedly, she looked up at Leto, gesturing with her head in my direction. He crouched down, reaching out towards me. I flinched away from him, my nerves on edge at the feeling of the open switch blade pressed against my stomach from inside my vault suit. That wasn’t going to be easy to fish out later when I figured out an appropriate time to make a break for it.

“What’s he doing?” I asked, sneering at him, my lip throbbing.

“Well, we’re going to send the word out about you tonight and so I thought maybe we should get something as proof that we really have you for the Railroad.”

My hairs stood on end at her words as I considered what Raiders would consider acceptable proof. A tooth, a finger, maybe my entire hand. Leto grabbed my arm, prying my hands from my lap. My mind was at war over whether I should be scared about them finding out about the knife or losing a part of my body.

“Please, please, don’t!” I cried, my heart hammering in my chest.

I tugged my arm back, but Leto was too strong and I knew it. But it was impossible to become resigned to being mutilated. I squirmed in his grasp, the knife scraping my stomach. “Don’t, please!”

Tears welled in my eyes and I clenched them shut as he brought a knife towards me with his free hand. That was when someone tugged on my hair, so lightly that I almost didn’t notice in my distraught state. Abruptly Leto released me and my eyes flickered open, still filled with tears.

Venus was kneeling beside Leto, smirking, and holding in her hand a lock of my hair.

“Gotcha.”

I exhaled loudly, my breaths coming out in shaking bursts as I absorbed what had happened. “Leto might not find my tricks entertaining but he’s always willing to help me. You see, I’d loved to send your Railroad buddies your dismembered, bloody finger, but that doesn’t actually prove anything- it could be anyone's finger. I want them to take this seriously. It would suck if we lost out on caps just because they didn’t believe you were actually here. Thankfully, you’ve got very distinct hair- it’s surprisingly soft, not to mention shiny. Even people in Diamond City don’t have hair as nice as yours.”

“She’s got soft skin too,” Leto said in a comically deep voice.

“Yeah?”

She stuck her hand out, sliding the back of it across my good cheek and I flinched at her touch. “You’re right! Spending all that time in a vault must have kept you fresh.”

“Lucky me,” I muttered, blowing some damp hair away from my eye.

Venus stood, examining the hair she had pinched between her fingers. It wasn’t too thick, thankfully, not that having a good haircut mattered anymore. 

“Alright, Leto, it’s your turn to watch her. I have to get this tied up for tonight.”

If they still hadn’t spoken to the Brotherhood, that would mean I had the chance to get out of here without letting them get involved. The last thing we needed with only a month and a half left of building the teleported was for Brotherhood of Steel soldiers coming to kill us. 

I would have to make my escape tonight. 

That would be easy, right? Single handedly taking out a camp of raiders who were already very aware of my presence, while my hands were tied together. How many had Venus said there were yesterday? Twelve? Easy. 

I dropped my head onto the wall, sighing. 

As the day progressed I ran over different strategies in my head, coming up with all the worst case scenarios that came with every plan. Most ended in torture, seeing as they were determined not to kill me. Being caught really was a fate worse than death. 

When dusk hit Venus appeared, relieving the raider who had been watching me and strutting into the shack. Like yesterday, she sat down in front of me, smiling.

“How are you?”

“Jesus, why do you insist on talking to me?” I snapped, wishing she would go away for good. Two days in a raider camp had frayed my already thin patience and I wasn’t in a place to deal with her mood swings.

She laughed. “Because you’re interesting. Mostly because you’re not a raider. And you’re the first person to realize how young I am,” she said, leaning forward, lowering her voice. “You were right. I’m seventeen.”

I cocked an eyebrow. 

“Why lie about your age? It’s not like anyone’s gonna stop you from drinking or smoking or something.”

I mentally prepared myself for her undoubted confusion over my reference to the world before the Great War.

“True, we don’t have all those silly prewar laws,” she said, hugging her knees to her chest like me. “But if you want to run a raider camp you can’t be a teenager. They would have let me join their crew, yeah, but it would have been way harder to climb the ranks. I would have had to kill way more people than I already did. And now if anyone finds out, they’ll probably kill me. Raiders don’t like being double crossed.”

My stomach clenched at the idea of a seventeen year old living the lifestyle of a raider. She wasn’t even eighteen yet and she’d stolen, killed, undoubtedly tortured. I had become quite the thief since waking up but I had seven years on her.

“What was your life before this? What happened to you?” 

She opened her mouth as if she might explain and then snapped it shut. She wagged a finger at me.

“Uh, uh, uh. None of that. You already know too much.”

“Why choose being a raider?” I pressed, not needing her confirmation of her less unsavory past. She was too intelligent to have been born into this lifestyle.

She rolled her eyes, tucking her hair behind her ear on the side that wasn’t shaved.

“NOW you want to talk.”

She got to her feet, putting her hands on her hips, walking to the entrance of the shack. “You got people who care about you, Charmer?”

I frowned, perplexed by her question.

“Yes.”

Venus nodded, but stayed facing the outside. The sun was slowly slipping down the sky, partially obscured already. Only a few more hours before I tried to escape. My temperature spiked as I was filled with anticipation. I tried to distract myself. “Do you?”

A few seconds passed before she smirked at me over her shoulder.

“I’d say it’s time for your signature silence. Unless you’d like me to add to that impressive collection of bruises I gave you yesterday.”

I scoffed, letting my head fall limply on the wall. She was silent for the rest of her shift and I did my best not to ponder how much of an enigma she was. I hadn’t spoken to many raiders, seeing as they were more of the kill, crush, destroy types, so I hadn’t expected whatever Venus was. And now that I knew she was so young I almost felt… concerned for her. How had she ended up in this place? 

At eleven o’clock she left and a raider with a sac over his head replaced her. I wondered what time raiders usually slept? I knew there would be guards posted other than the one watching me. I knew how to be quiet -as long as I didn’t fall over- but I wasn’t sure if that and a switchblade were going to be enough to get me out of here.

What felt like a hundred years passed before a quiet  _thump_ reached my ears. My head snapped up, and I saw that my guard was leaned into a support beam, there gun placed harmlessly beside them, their back to me, and their soft snores wafting across the silent night. 

My jaw dropped.

I was lucky I hadn’t been kidnapped by the gunners. They were much more disciplined, there would probably be zero chance that one of them would fall asleep on duty. 

Their shift was ending in about half an hour so I shoved my bound hands down the front of my vault suit. The knife was still pressed into my abdomen and the tips of my fingers brushed it, almost shoving it deeper since there was no hope of my thumbs being useable in this endeavor. 

After about two minutes and a lot of determined lip biting, I finally dragged the switchblade out, almost dropping it immediately. Thankfully, I did not, and instead I shoved the handle between my knees.. Then I got to work weaving it between the rope that kept my hands tied together.

Ten minutes later the ropes gave out, dropping on either side of me. Sweat was pooled on my brow, all over my face, actually, and in every other crevice of my body. The last time I’d been this anxious was when I’d explored vault 111 after waking up. Or maybe when I’d fought the raiders and deathclaw for the Minutemen. 

Slowly, I rose to my feet and my legs almost gave out, forcing me to catch myself on the railing, the knife in my hand making it louder. I froze, watching the raider with wide eyes, barely able to hear over the sound of my thundering heart beat. They didn’t stir and I allowed my legs a minute or two to adjust to being used again. 

Pins and needles spread through them to a painful degree and I bit into the side of my cheek, clenching my eyes shut. At least it had only been two days. Once the static in my legs had passed, I crept forward, my mouth open, silent breaths passing between my lips. I clutched the switchblades handle tightly in my blood crusted hand. 

When I reached the raider I knew there was no point mulling over what to do next. This needed to happen fast.

My left hand snapped out, covering his mouth and shoving his covered head into my chest. He gasped into my palm but that was all the reaction he was allowed before I dug the knife into his throat, yanking it to the side. 

He made a muffled gurgling noise and I kept him pressed into me, not wanting him to try and run and clatter about on all the varying wooden structures of the camp. Once he stopped flailing I propped him back up against the beam and snuck down the stairs. 

Ahead of me was another shack just like my own and I climbed the stairs on all fours, cringing at the quiet creak of the wood. Two raiders laid in sleeping bags on the floor, one at either side of the room. I continued my snail like pace into the shack, quickly disposing of the one on the right that was closer to me, and then proceeding to do the same to the one of the left.

Once that was done, I stayed low, creeping to the exit of the shack. This one was attached to a rectangular, more closed off shack by two planks of wood that were spread over a drop of only about four feet. I bit back a disgruntled sigh, and began my journey across.

As expected, the wood whined and protested, my stomach doing acrobatics even once I’d made it into the next room. Inside were four sleeping raiders this time, a jackpot, really. I took a moment to ponder how that was not something I would have thought just three months ago.

To my great surprised and relief, I was able to kill each raider without waking up any of the others. I crouched in the doorway of the shack, scanning the layout of the rest of the camp. Ahead of me was one of the usual long roofed lookouts that was at the front of every raider camp and to my right was another, both of them creating a wall around the camp. 

For a moment I considered darting across the bridge between the shack and the lookout and then hopping to rail. It’d be easy and I would be free. But the remaining five members of this camp would all know where we were and I couldn’t risk what had happened with Donny happening again on a potentially larger scale.

So I made my way to the long hallway on the right, unable to see anyone in the one straight ahead of me. Unfortunately, as soon as I made it in, I was greeted by a raider staring directly at me, standing at the end of the lookout. 

_“Goddammit,_ ” they growled, and I immediately recognized the muffled voice of Donny. I was hoping he was one of the raiders I’d already killed. “I told Venus we should have cut off your damn legs.”

Had that actually been on the table? 

I rose to my full height, knowing their was no point sneaking anymore. Everyone was going to know I was up and about now. Who was left? Donny, Venus, Leto, the redheaded female raider, and one other that I didn’t know. 

“So what happens now?” I called, walking forward at an unthreatening speed.

Donny’s gun was still at his side. 

“I-”

I bolted forward and he grunted in shock, raising his gun. As he pulled the trigger I dropped to my knees, sliding across the gap between us and shoving the knife up, the blade going under the piece of metal he wore over his chest and into his stomach. I wrapped my other arm around his legs, pushing forward with my body and yanking back at his knees. He toppled to the ground, the gun falling from his hands and I threw myself up, driving the knife into the exposed part of his chest.

“Fucking bitch,” he spat, his hand shooting out and wrapping around my neck. 

I pulled the knife from his chest, burying it in his side. He released a pained cry, his hand falling away from my throat a moment later. Then his head lolled to the side and he was silent. 

I exhaled loudly, climbing off of him and remaining on the wooden floor. The second I stood up I would probably be shot at and I wasn’t ready for that yet. I needed time to absorb how goddamn lucky I truly was.

It was then that I noticed a small movement from the corning of my eye and I turned my head to the right, frowning. Eight fingers were curled over the railing and it took my scattered brain too long to put together what was happening.

“What the fuck-”

The redheaded woman lurched forward from the other side of the railing, having been hiding there for who knows how long now, her eyes frighteningly wide. She landed on top of me, sending me sprawling to the floor. The knife slipped from my fingers, but the woman didn’t notice, choosing to wrap both her hands around my neck.

_“Ooooh,_ I was hoping you’d try an’ escape,” she cried, grinning wildly at me. “I knew you’d be fun to fight.”

Clenching my jaw, I used all my strength to swing my fist up and club her in the temple while at the same time flip us over. She hit the floor and I shoved her onto her back, pinning her down. My fist ached from the first hit, but I pulled it back regardless, laying into her jaw. She cackled, blood on her rotted teeth and slashed at me with the switchblade I hadn’t noticed her pick up. Pain lanced through my stomach, and I elbowed her in the face, grabbing her wrist, and prying the knife from her hand. 

Before she could react I arched the blade down into her chest, her stomach, her chest again, my breath coming out in high pitched bursts. She laughed once more, the sound ragged and wet, and then her hands dropped away from me.

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered, stumbling off of her.

A bullet whizzed past my head and I dropped back to the floor, groaning. I searched the area for Donny’s gun and found it lying a few feet away. I grabbed it, standing and aiming at the area I’d hoped the bullet had come from. On the ground a good ten feet below me was a raider just like any other, firing at me with persistence. I shut one eye, sticking my tongue out the side of my mouth, and pulled the trigger twice.

I missed both shots.

I ducked back behind the rail, sighing. Apparently luck couldn’t make up for my complete lack of skill. I popped up, doing the same as before, and shot three times. The first two missed, but the second one nicked him in the head, shattering the side of his skull. I gasped, covering my mouth, and dropping the gun. 

“Whoopsie-daisy.”

That left only Leto and Venus. 

Since I’d dropped the gun over the side of the lookout into the depths of the raider camp, I chose to pick up the switchblade and run to the exit of the camp. I hadn’t seen the two of them anywhere else, and there was no way they hadn’t heard all the gunfire and yelling. They had to be at the front of the camp. 

As I crossed into the front lookout and down the stairs onto the road, I thought for a moment that they were gone. Maybe they were out delivering the lock of my hair. I wheeled around the outside of the camp, wondering if I should just try and find my way back to the drive in when a large hand shot out, hitting my already abused left side of my face. I fell flat on the road, my head cracking against the asphalt. 

Venus and Leto stepped around the corner, her with one hand on her hip, the other clutching her baseball bat, and him admiring the knuckles he’d just used to subdue me. Venus shook her head, smiling.

“My, my, Charmer. Donny wasn’t wrong about you. That was a really well done escape attempt.” I sat up, spitting out blood. “Too bad it didn’t work.”

That was when a loud _crack_ split the quiet night open along with Leto’s collar. He grunted, blood spurting from the wound, and stumbled back a few feet. Venus gasped, turning to look at him, reaching out with her free hand as if to stop him from collapsing. He fell into the wall of the camp, sliding to the ground. Venus whipped her head around to look at me, her eyes wide. I smirked, not needing to locate the shooter to know who it was.

“MacCready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, works been crazy and I got sick and also had a bad case of good ol' depression for the past week. But I'm feeling better and I was able to get this chapter done! It's a little clumsy, but oh well! Enjoy! Thanks for all the comments and support, sorry I didn't reply to all of them, like I said, things have been hectic and weird. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to my regular weekly updates on Wednesday or late Tuesday. Love you guys! You're a gift!


	15. Like the mighty current

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looot's o' dialogue. Also, the format's gonna be weird because for some reason the spacing is all wonked up right now. Hopefully I can fix it later.

My smug smile was quickly erased by Venus screaming and barreling towards me, brandishing her nail riddled bat. I gasped, rolling to the side in time to hear it smack against the ground where I’d just been sitting.

There was another crack but the bullet didn’t land. Venus lifted her bat, ready to swing it at my head like a golf club. I held my hand up, leaning towards her, hoping to get close enough to yank her to the ground.

“Venus, get down!”

She ignored me, swinging at me and I rolled away, my heart pounding in my chest.

“Stop moving!” she shrieked.

She was going to get herself killed. Of course, wouldn’t that be a good thing?

No.

She was just a kid. This didn’t have to be her life. She could grow, change, become someone other than the raider she’d decided to be for the time being. This didn’t have to be the end of her story.

“Venus, please,” I said, getting to my feet. She swung and I jumped back, the end of the bat -that was nail free- a mere inch away from my already bleeding stomach. Crack. A bullet grazed her shoulder, splitting her shirt open where it hit, but she didn’t react. It was as if she didn’t notice at all. “He’s going to kill you!”

Again, she ignored me, raising the bat over her shoulder, baring her teeth. I dove forward, tackling her, bringing us both to the ground. Her bat clattered on the asphalt and almost immediately after we landed she clawed for it. I put my arms on either side of her head, holding myself above her. This seemed to distract her from the bat and she scowled up at me, seething.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m protecting your dumb ass,” I said, looking up into the darkness. “You’re going to get yourself killed!”

“I don’t care!”

Her fist collided with my cheekbone, sending me flying off of her. I tumbled a short distance away, my face throbbing, my head spinning. The stinging in my stomach from my shallow cut was also becoming hard to fight through. Maybe it was deeper than I’d initially thought. I clenched my jaw, lifting myself with one arm, lying on my side. Venus was already standing, her bat trapped in her death grip. Her knuckles were split from her hitting me the yesterday.

“Please,” I croaked, willing myself to get up, to block Mac’s view once more. “Stay down.”

It was then that I saw Mac running in the near distance, illuminated by a cracked street lamp. He was holding his pistol now, his rifle on his back. He must have gotten fed up with me obstructing his shot. “Mac, don’t!”

Venus whirled around, following my stare and I ground my teeth together, throwing myself onto my feet. I grabbed the lower region of the bat, wrenching it out of her hands, hurling it as far away as I could manage. She spun to face me, shocked, and I saw Mac raise his pistol, not far now.

I thought getting her bat away from her would be enough, but evidently it was not, because she proceeded to sock me in the eye, further abusing my left side. I staggered, bumping into the corner of the wall near where Leto lay, clutching onto the wood for support.

“I’m trying… to help you,” I said, looking up at her, my left eye closed.

“Don’t move!” Mac called, coming to a halt.

Like an idiot, Venus did not stop moving, and instead sprang at me, growling. My hands snapped out and I gripped her shoulders, spinning and slamming her into the wood. Mac made a disgruntled sound behind me.

“What is wrong with you!?” I yelled, shaking her. She struggled against my grasp, her eyes shut, and I shook her again, slamming her into the corner. “Stop it! Just stop! Why are you trying so hard to die!?”

She made a sound of frustration, thrashing, and I tightened my fingers around her biceps. “Venus, stop!”

Her foot connected with my shin once, twice, and I released her instinctively, crying out. She grabbed me, hurling me to the ground. My eyes jerked to MacCready, who raised his gun at her.

“Mac, don’t, she’s just a kid!”

“No!” Venus screamed, her fists clenched at her side, her eyes locked on MacCready. Her breaths were loud whines, her eyes brimming with tears. “It doesn’t fucking matter.”

“Mac, don’t listen-”

“She’s going to tell the Brotherhood of Steel about the drive in,” Mac said, meeting my desperate stare, gun still held at Venus. “I can’t just let her live, Charmer.”

I’d never heard him willingly use my code name like that until now. The only time he called me by it was when he was making fun of me. But he’d put together that using my real name now put the entire operation at risk, not to mention my life.

Not that my life could be much more at risk than it was now.

The left side of my face was pulverized- a swollen, bloody mess that I didn’t even want to imagine. My stomach was cut open, not fatally -I hoped- but deep enough that it was throbbing and hot, a line of fire half an inch above my bellybutton and extending almost all the way across my entire abdomen. And then there was Venus, who wanted to finish me off with her bare hands, even if it got her killed.

“She doesn’t need to die, she’s a kid, Mac, please-”

“The Brotherhood will find you Charmer, and they’ll kill you! They’ll kill all of us. Or they’ll keep us alive long enough to use the teleporter and then they’ll kill you. I can’t let that happen.”

“Just do it!” Venus shouted, stepping forward.

What the hell was she doing?

“We can talk to her,” I said, getting to my feet. “Please, we can work this out.”

“I can’t take that risk,” he said, pleaded. “I  _can't_ let her hurt you again.”

“Oh, what’s this?” Venus sounded ragged, and her head flopped to the side, her glassy eyes locking with mine. She smirked and it sent chills down my spine. “This guy really seems to care about you, Charmer. That means he probably doesn’t want to hear about how you were treated here, right?”

“Venus-”

“About how the on the first day someone tried to slit your throat? The way all the guys talked about wanting to fuck you?”

I hadn’t known about that. I wondered if it was even true. She was trying to provoke him, make him snap and shoot her without thinking. It wouldn’t take a lot of coaxing, he was already leaning towards killing her.

“Shut the hell up!” Mac growled, raising the gun higher, having lowered it throughout the conversation.

“Venus, stop it!”

“See all those bruises and cuts on her face?” she asked, stepping towards Mac. “I gave her those. I hit her and hit her until she was bleeding and-”

“Mac, please, don’t shoot her! She’s playing you! She wants you to kill her!”

His expression was dark, full of hatred, something I’d only seen on the day we’d killed Winlock and Barnes. Any second now he was going to break down and put a bullet in her.

“The second you two leave I’m going to the Brotherhood and I’m telling them all about your little operation in the drive in.”

“I’m sorry, Charmer,” he said through clenched teeth.

“No-”

A thin voice carried from behind Venus, drawing our attention, briefly relieving the pressure of the situation.

“She was never going to tell the Brotherhood,” Leto croaked. Venus turned towards him and all our eyes fell to his huddled figure on the ground.

“Leto,” she breathed, falling on her knees beside him.

She clutched his good shoulder, relief mixing with grief on her face. Had she been so upset because he’d been hurt? Did she want to die because she’d thought he already had?

He took in a labored breath, his stare flickering between Mac and I.

“She was never going to tell the Brotherhood… about the drive in. She’s… afraid of them.”

I frowned, looking at Mac and then Leto through my good eye.

“What do you mean?”

“Leto, don’t,” Venus said, her voice impossibly gentle.

“She just wanted… the Railroad… to think she was going to… so they’d be more inclined to pay the ransom... “ he grunted in pain, sagging. “She would never seek the Brotherhood out.”

He was surprisingly eloquent for a raider. He hadn’t necessarily said anything too verbose, but it was intelligent in comparison to the uncouth manner with which most raiders spoke.

Just like Venus.

“Why the hell would I believe you?” Mac said.

“I don’t know… but it’s the truth…”

There was a tense silence that draped over all of us. It made sense to kill them anyway; make sure there was no chance that the Brotherhood found out. But now, as I examined Leto, who was a pale mess, blood blossoming across the flannel he wore, it was obvious that he was young as well. Maybe not seventeen, but still, younger than Mac and I.

Judging by the way Venus was watching him, he meant a great deal to her and it seemed he was willing to throw away the possibility of receiving any caps from the Railroad to save her life by confessing.

“Let’s get out of here,” Mac said, his voice hard, cutting through the bitter, cold air.

My head snapped to look at him, my eyes bulging.

“...Okay.”

He turned, walking the way he’d come and I jogged towards him.

“Wait!” Venus cried, a tremor to her words. We both paused, frowning at her. She got to her feet, her shoulders slumped, tears streaming down her face. “You ruined everything, Charmer! You’ve taken away my camp, my raiders, and now Leto’s going to die too! _Because of you!”_

My stomach went hollow and I almost physically recoiled from her words. Why did I feel bad? This girl was a murderer, she’d kidnapped me, beaten me, apparently encouraged others to do the same.. She’d been nothing but cruel to me in between her bouts of insane cheerfulness. Her words shouldn’t have meant anything to me.

But they did.

“Please… please, just kill me.”

“What?” I asked, bewildered.

“He’s going to die… he’s all I have… I don’t want to live without him.”

“Venus…” Leto said, taking  her hand. This only made her cry harder, beginning to hiccup.

My chest tightened and I clenched my jaw, my throat thickening at the sound of her complete and utter despair. It reminded me so much of myself. I didn’t know what to say. MacCready walked past me and I opened my mouth to protest only to see his gun was holstered. His hand delved into his pocket, producing something I couldn’t see.

“I’m gonna give you this, and I’m gonna believe that you’ll make the right choice. If you come NEAR the drive in, I won’t hesitate to put you down. Even if you are a kid.”

He turned, striding away from them. I squinted, trying to see what was sitting in Venus’ open palm- what her wide eyes were focused on.

A stimpak.

I swallowed, smiling faintly, and following Mac into the night.

We walked for almost an hour in silence. I wasn’t sure what to say. Obviously thank you, but there was so much more to it. He’d saved me, he’d spared Venus, he’d even helped Leto. But the fight we’d had before I’d been kidnapped was like a fissure, making it impossible for me to even attempt to reach out to him.

I was free and safe, and yet all I felt was remorse for the state of our relationship.

“Mac, thank you… for not killing Venus.”

It took him a few seconds to respond, and when he did there was an edge to his voice as if there were constricting hands around his throat.

“I wish I hadn’t. That girl almost killed you.”

“She wasn’t going to kill me.”

“Maybe not at first. But after I shot her friend… she was going to bust your head open.” He made a disgusted noise. “If you’d died it would have been my fault-”

“Mac, no, you saved me-”

“After letting you storm off into the Wasteland by yourself the other night. I might as well have handed you off to the raiders myself.”

I wanted to argue, smother the growing flames of his self hatred. But the everlasting and slow flow of blood out of my stomach drowned out my coherent thoughts. I was becoming weaker by the minute, the sudden loss of adrenaline helping to drain my body of strength. I could see the lights of the drive in that remained on at all hours of the night, and my knees buckled, my hand shooting out to grip onto the green sleeve of one of the shirts MacCready wore under his coat.

“What are you- Jesus, Vi!”

He dropped to the ground with me and I slumped into him on my side, my ear pressed to his chest. His heart was pounding. Mine probably was too. “Vi, what’s wrong!?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, attempting to push myself off of him. I didn’t succeed. It was as if all the blood in my arms had gone out my stomach. “I’m so tired.”

I wrapped my arm around my abdomen, pulling it away in order to examine the glistening blood on my fingertips. Mac bit off a curse, repositioning us so that my head rested on his bicep and I sat in his lap.

“Vi, you’re bleeding! Why didn’t you say something?”

I laughed, weakly smiling, “I didn’t think it needed to be said.”

He struggled to speak, discombobulated.

“Look, I-I was a little distracted back at the raider camp!”

He stood, pulling me into the air and cradling me against his chest. I involuntarily gasped in pain, clenching my eyes shut and locking my arms over my stomach, clutching my sides. “This is terrible timing,” said MacCready as he began to walk towards the drive in.

“Why?” I asked, cracking my good eye open.

“The doctor isn’t here right now.”

“Amazing. I guess I used up all my luck getting out of the camp.”

He didn’t say anything as we walked the remaining distance to the drive in. “I have… bandages in my backpack.”

“In your room?”

I nodded and he increased his pace, weaving through the shacks and old, rusted out cars. Thankfully, everyone was asleep. I wasn’t in the mood for a reunion right now. Of course, Deacon was probably up, choosing to stay hidden so he could spy on us.

Mac stopped in front of my door, a frustrated noise coming from deep within his chest. I raised an eyebrow at him. “I have to put you down to get the door open, is that okay?”

“Of course,” I said and he placed me gently on the ground, keeping an arm around me.

I leaned into his side and he shoved the door open with such force that it hit the wall, the loud bang reverberating through the metal. He helped me hobble over to my bed and I dropped onto the mattress, head resting on the concrete wall. Wordlessly, Mac kneeled beside me, tipping the contents of my backpack onto the filthy floor.

There was a can of spam, a bag of potato chips, a grenade I’d picked up when we’d fought some raiders during my railroad mission, extra ammo, and finally, the bandages.

“ _No stimpak_?” Mac said, his face contorting into a mask of frustration. I pointed to one of the standing metal shelves where a first aid box sat on the middle shelf. Without needing explanation he darted over, snatching it off of the shelf, and returning to my side. “Count to five.”

“One, two- Ow!”

He buried the needle in my side, his blue eyes focused, determined, dark due to the lack of a light in the room. He pulled the stimpak out, tossing it to the side and retrieving the bandages. It wasn’t until his hands were right above my torso that he seemed to put together that I would have to remove my vault suit from the waist up.

“Oh.”

I almost laughed.

“Mac, it’s okay, I have a shirt on underneath.”

He nodded, clearing his throat, his eyes flitting from somewhere around my chest to the mattress.

“Uh, do you wanna unzip it or,uh-”

“I’ve… got it,” I said, reaching up with cold fingers and opening the suit to a point just below my bellybutton. I peeled my arms out of it, revealing the bloodstained tank top I’d been wearing when I’d been shot by the laser, one of the straps broken from the same event.

Hissing, I rolled the shirt up, exposing my blood covered stomach, the wound more grizzly than expected. Mac swallowed, grazing a finger gently over the corner of the wound, his lips pursed.

“Jesus, Vi, you should have said something.”

“It wouldn’t have helped anything,” I muttered. “We didn’t have any stimpaks or bandages out there. It would have just made for a stressful walk.”

He sighed, and unrolled some of the bandage, delicately wrapping it around my abdomen. “It seems our roles are reversed, doesn’t it?”

Mac scoffed, though the sound was restrained, tense. He was being strangely somber.

“How? You’re the one who always gets hurt.”

“No, I know that. I mean because of when I first hired you. You’d been shot by raiders and I’d had to bandage you up and give you a stimpak, remember?”

“Ah, yes, how could I forget such a wonderful moment?” he said, rolling his eyes.

He was so close that if he’d moved at all his head would have been resting against my collarbone. I could feel his breath on my bare skin and it created goosebumps on my arms.

I swallowed and he made brief, nervous eye contact with me before refocusing on the bandage He tied it off, moving back to admire his handiwork. He flexed his jaw, his brows knitting together.

“I’m gonna be okay, Mac,” I said, placing my hand on his.

Remaining uncharacteristically tender, he enveloped my hand in his, his pleasantly warm in stark contrast to my ice cold fingers.

“You’re cold.”

“Eh, it’s only blood loss.”

I smiled and his mouth fell open, his expression unreadable. There was another second or two of silence and I hung my head, about to speak.

“I was so scared,” he said, catching me off guard. His voice was strained, sincere, and for some inane reason it made my heart hammer in my chest. I looked up, gaping at him, unsure of what to say. His gaze was… ardent. “I don’t know what I would have done if…”

“How did you find me?” I asked, hoping to distract him from his dangerous thoughts. I could hear the self hatred returning from earlier, the unearned blame he was resting on his shoulders.

“I didn’t. Dogmeat and Deacon did yesterday. I hadn’t even known Deacon had gone until he was already back, otherwise I would’ve gone with him. Once he was, we all came up with a plan to go and get you tomorrow. But then that girl left your hair and the ransom note and everyone was asleep and I couldn’t-” he cut himself off, clenching his jaw, his grip on my hand tightening. During his explanation he’d stared at some point on the ground, but he looked at me now, grimacing. “God, your face, Vi.”

Reflexively I raised my free hand, lightly brushing my fingertips over my swollen eye.

“I must look pretty awful, huh?”

Silently, he extended the hand that had been holding mine towards my cheek, hovering an inch or two away, but not touching me.

“I should have come sooner.”

“It’s not your fault.” A hush fell over both of us and MacCready dropped his hand to his lap, leaving mine uncovered on the mattress. “Mac, look, I’m sorry I lied to you about the vault-”

“You idiot,” he said, cutting me off. My eyes snapped up and I frowned at him. “You were gone for three days- you could have DIED. I don’t care that you lied.”

Abruptly, he tugged my forward, hugging me to his chest. My eyes widened and my mouth hung open for a split second as I processed what was happening. And then I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his coat.

“Please don’t leave like that again,” he murmured, his voice quiet, broken.

“I won’t. I promise.”

After a few seconds he released me, clearing his throat. Back to good old, emotionally stunted MacCready. I smiled crookedly at him, imagining how horrendous I must look.

“You really do care about me.”

“Will you shut up about that?” he said, his tone irritated despite the fact that he was clearly fighting a smile. “If you keep bringing it up I’m gonna start pretending not to like you again.”

I laughed, laying my head against the wall, blinking heavily. He rubbed his neck.

“It’s late and you’re hurt. You should probably get some rest. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.” He reached into his pocket, producing… my wedding photo. “You must have dropped this when they took you. I found it sitting on the ground about fifteen minutes after you stormed off. It’s how I knew something was wrong and you didn’t just run off.”

“Like you,” I said, grinning so he knew I was only teasing him and taking the photo from him. I made an effort not to look at it, not to see Nate.

He shook his head, getting to his feet and backing towards the door.

“Yeah, like me.”

I looked down at my Pipboy, checking the time.

“Oh, Mac!”

He was already at the door, but he turned, meeting my stare.

“Yeah?”

I grinned.

"Merry Christmas.”

"What in the hell is Christmas?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was gonna update last night but then my fiancé was like, "I'm gonna have a drink I've never had before and I'm gonna have a rather large cup of it." And then he got wasted. I didn't want him to break something, or throw up on something, or hurt himself, so I had to babysit him all night until he fell asleep. That's just a little slice of my life haha. It's wild. Anyway, I hope this chapter isn't too talky for people.
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos!


	16. Pulling you under the waves

“Hey, Vi, would you consider paying attention to the task at hand?” MacCready yelled over the hail of bullets, his back pressed into an overturned desk about five feet to my left.

“Will you at least try using her code name?” asked Deacon from my right who was using a row of battered filing cabinets for cover.

“I call her Blue, does that work?” Piper asked, more to annoy Deacon then to actually receive an answer.

“No, that doesn’t, if any old nickname worked then why the hell would we bother to have her choose a code name?”

“We’re snuffing all these guys out anyway, it’s not like they can tell anyone Violet’s identity if they're six feet under,” Nick said from further back in the room.

Dogmeat could be heard growling on the opposite side of the office, fighting the gunners unaided.

“Me, Piper and Nick don't have code names, I don't see how using Violet’s-”

“Guys, _guys_ , let's focus! Sorry I've been a little scatterbrained, but that's why I brought all of you along today. I don't wanna die getting the last thing I need to get to my goddamn son. Now let's kill some fucking gunners,” I yelled.

They all nodded and muttered agreements, leaning around their respective covers to shoot at the enemy.

It had been a little over a month and a half since the kidnapping incident. Things had been slow and uneventful, but I welcomed the tedium, and routine after having to deal with Venus and company.

Early this morning I’d been woken up by Tinker Tom banging on my door, drawing me from a rare deep sleep. He’d explained in a very fast paced, and Tinker Tom fashion that he could be finished with the teleporter by tomorrow if we got one thing for him today.

A biometric scanner.

On another note, Mac and I were getting along well again, though we continued the time honored tradition of not asking questions about each other.

Despite the distance we kept between each other, he still was one of my closest companions, rivaled only by Piper. Deacon and I were pretty close too, but it was hard to calculate the actual extent of our friendship when he told so many lies. And of course, Nick remained my paternal figure in all of this.

“All clear,” MacCready said once the sound of gunshots had ended, rising to his full height and reloading his pistol.

“Let’s check the turret debris.”

We all spread out, sifting through the scolding hot remains of the machine gun turrets we’d destroyed throughout the fight. I used part of a gunners shirt to pick up the metal, moving a large piece of the shell aside to reveal a biometric scanner lying underneath.

“Found it!” I yelled, my voice cracking,and holding it above my head. “I got it!”

“I guess that's it then,” Deacon said, shrugging, almost sounding disappointed.

It had been pretty useless bringing ALL of them, but like I'd said to them, I didn't want to risk dying the day before getting to the Institute.

“Let's get back to the drive in,” I said, shoving the scanner into my backpack.

It was hard not to run back to the drive in. It was only about half an hour away from the building we’d gone to and if I booked it I could get back in fifteen minutes instead. But I hung back with the group, too distracted to join in on their conversation.

“So when are we gonna have that one-on-one interview, Piper?” MacCready asked, smirking down at Piper, who was walking between the two of us.

“Oh, MacCready. Never in a million years.”

I was glad they were getting along better. Before I was kidnapped Piper would still occasionally gripe about why MacCready was still around, how I shouldn’t need him if I had them. When I finally told her he’d given the money back she’d been surprised, maybe even a little impressed. Then she’d questioned why he’d stay if it wasn’t even for a job.

After he’d brought me home from the raider camp, she’d stopped asking.

When we’d reached the entrance of the drive in, I hadn’t been able to help myself. I’d set off into a sprint, running around the concessions building and darting between the towering structure of the teleporter. Tinker Tom had his hands buried in the inside of a console sweat on his brow.

“Tom!” I yelled, whipping my backpack off of my back, digging through it. “I got it.”

He grinned at me, straightening and wiping the back of his hand across his forehead.

“Awesome! I can install that bad boy and finish up the control panel by tomorrow morning. If this works, you could be seeing your son in time for lunch.”

What he’d said should have brought me endless amounts of happiness. I should have been jumping for joy, whooping and cheering. But instead, a pit formed in my stomach. After almost five months of searching, and fighting, and then waiting, I was finally going to be reunited with Shaun. If all went well and I wasn’t immediately apprehended I’d get to speak to him, hold him.

But for some insane reason I was terrified.

All my fears and doubts over the past months had accumulated into a huge, swollen monster. What if he didn’t believe I was his mother? What if he didn’t care? What if he did, but he didn’t want to leave the institute? How old was he now? Was he only ten?

Maybe twelve? Or was Kellogg’s memory older than we’d thought? What if he was sixteen? Or twenty? What if I was killed the second I teleported into the Institute?

“Tom, thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me. If you need anything else, I’ll be in my room.”

I darted past Piper and Deacon, and then MacCready, who reached out as if to stop me. Upon seeing my face he must have understood it wasn’t a good time. When I got to my room, I slammed the door, locking it, and collapsing onto my mattress.

As selfish as it was, I longed for the simplicity of my time with Nate. I missed lazy sunday afternoons spent typing at my terminal while Nate read a book in an arm chair. I missed the only pressure in my life being whether or not I was going to mess up another casserole.

Along with Nate, I missed my mother and father. But they had died in a car accident when I was nineteen. My grief for them wasn’t associated with the war, though it was still there. A healed wound- an old scar. In moments like this it seemed fresh.

I buried my face in the crook of my elbow, sobbing.

“Violet May, there’s no need to cry,” my mom would say when I’d be upset about a boy, or fight with my father. “But if it’ll make you feel better, go for it. And don’t let my shoulder go to waste. It could use a good wash anyway.”

I laughed sadly, admiring my red hair that was draped across my straw pillow. I’d gotten my red hair from her, my green eyes from my father. I’d passed her red hair onto Shaun.

At the thought of Shaun I cried harder, rolling onto my back, closing my eyes, wailing unabashedly. I really hoped Deacon couldn’t hear my from his sniper’s nest, or wherever he was doubtlessly spying on me from.

I remained in a puddle of emotion for another half hour until my body finally became too exhausted to produce tears and my head pounded. As the day rolled onward, I knew I should probably have eaten something, but I was too low. I used to love to eat before the war, but it had been as if I’d completely lost my appetite the minute I’d seen Nate’s frozen, lifeless face in the cryo pod.

There was a knock at my door and I bolted upright, wiping around my eyes in case I’d been crying even now and just hadn’t noticed anymore.

“One second,” I called, picking up the pillow and rubbing my face on it to be safe.

I hurried to the door, unlocking it clumsily and pulling it open. Standing under the lamp was MacCready, anxiety evident on his handsome face. He wasn’t wearing his dumb hat, which immediately lifted my spirits.

“Can I come in?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Of course,” I said, stepping away from the door.

He strode in, coming to a halt in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do with himself. I smiled, entertained by his awkwardness and plopped down on my bed, head resting on the wall. “What brings you to my room? The lavish decor? Luxurious furniture? The general fancy-shmancy atmosphere?”

“What?” he asked, turning towards me, clearly lost.

“What do you want, Mac?” I laughed.

“Me? _Oh,_ uh, yeah, sorry.” He shook his head, gathering his thoughts. Was this what it was like to talk to me when I was distracted? “After we got back to the drive in I noticed that you seemed upset, so I wanted to check on you.”

I sighed, brushing my hair out of my face.

“I'm fine. I'm ecstatic.”

He rolled his eyes.

“Oh, yeah, that clearly wasn't a lie.”

I smiled, eyes downcast. I should have at least tried to sound convincing. Of course, if I was being honest with myself, I wanted someone to talk to about this. I wanted to talk to  _him_ about this. I wanted to open up, be vulnerable with someone without cringing when thinking about it later.

But I wasn't sure if I was ready for that.

“I…If everything goes according to plan tomorrow, I'll get to see Shaun in less than twenty-four hours.”

“Then why are you so upset?”

I opened my mouth to respond and then snapped it shut covering my eyes with one hand. I sighed. My bottom lip trembled and my throat thickened as I mentally berated myself. I was an awful mother. I was afraid to see my own child. Mac was gentle when he spoken again. “Violet, talk to me.”

My hand fell away from my face, revealing the tears welling in my eyes, my mouth locked closed as I tried not to sob.

“I'm a bad person, Mac,” I murmured quietly so my voice wouldn't crack.

_“What?”_

“I'm a bad-”

“No, I heard what you said. It was just insane. Violet, you are one of the best people I've ever met. In fact, I think you're too good, I've told you that.”

“Would a good person drag this many of her friends into dealings with the Institute? The Railroad is one thing, they want this, it benefits them.  What does Piper get from this? Nick? _You?”_

“Vi-”

“What could you possibly gain from this, Mac?” I said, my volume rising. “We’re already friends, I’ve already helped you with the Gunners. You’ve saved my life so many times now- I owe you! You don’t owe me.”

“It isn’t about oweing each other! We’re all here because we want to help you!” he snapped, gesturing towards the door as if Piper and Nick were standing out there. “You aren’t forcing anyone to be here.”

“Would a good person be scared of seeing her son!?” I confessed, cracking my ribs open and bearing my most shameful fear. “Tomorrow I will be reunited with my little boy, and I am _petrified_.”

Mac was quiet, as if he was truly surprised by what I’d said. Truly disgusted with me. I dropped onto my pillow, sobbing, burying my face in my hands. “I’m his mother! I was supposed to keep him safe, protect him at all costs! But I didn’t- I failed him!”

He wrapped his hands around my arm, tenderly peeling me from my pillow, propping me up against the wall. He was kneeling on the bed beside me, earnestly gazing into my glassy eyes.

“Violet, it’s okay.”

“He must hate me,” I whispered, trying to move away from him.

He held me in place, holding onto either of my biceps.

“Hey, hey, look at me.”

I shook my head, looking down, tears dripping into my lap. My red hair poured over my shoulders, sticking to my cheeks, hiding my face. Mac brushed it away, keeping a hand laced in it. “Look at me, Violet.”

Reluctantly, I tilted my head upwards, meeting his stare. I must have seemed like such a wreck. My mind flashed to the night he’d brought me back from the Raider camp, though our roles were reversed now. He might not have cried, but he’d been vulnerable with me. At least my face wasn’t a bruised and bloody mess anymore.

“What, Mac? How could you possibly make this okay?”

“I don’t know if I can,” he admitted, brushing away the loose strands of hair from my face that had slipped from his grasp. “It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have done anything about it. You were an ice cube when it happened, right?”

I nodded, resisting the urge to argue with him. “Then it really wasn’t your fault. I understand why you blame yourself- I get it.” His voice suddenly became strained. “But you can’t blame yourself. You are a good parent. You could do so much worse.”

Abruptly he released me, standing and muttering, “Trust me.”

“Mac-”

“So quit crying and blaming yourself, alright? Because that’s all the comfort I have in me to give.”

He shook off, as if being sweet to me had made him dirty. It was like a switch had been flipped. He headed towards the door and my heart pounded, aching at the idea of him leaving. I just needed his support for a little longer, even a minute would do.

“Mac, wait,” I said, wiping my eyes. He grabbed the handle of the door but didn’t turn it.

“Yeah?”

I sniffled.

“What’s your name? Your full name, I mean.”

He angled himself towards me, half smiling. He’d probably been waiting for this to come up since we’d started getting closer. I didn’t know why I hadn’t asked sooner. But in the seconds it took for him to answer I became excruciatingly curious.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

My jaw dropped and I stood, prepared to hold him here until he answered with the truth.

“Oh, come on, Mac!”

He was mostly facing the door, and I could only see half of his smirk. I moved between him and the door, folding my arms over my chest. “I’ll start crying again. It won’t take much effort.”

He groaned, running a hand through his hair. God, it was wonderful to see him without his stupid had.

“If I tell you, you can’t ask me another personal question for at least a month, okay?” he said, looming over me, placing his hand beside my head on the door. I rolled my eyes.

“Fine. It’s not like we’re friends or anything.”

He was silent, eyes flickering between my own.

“Robert Joseph MacCready.”

An irrepressible smile spread across my face.

“Robert Joseph?”

He appeared to be a little embarrassed, avoiding making eye contact with me. I stepped to the side, allowing him to open to the door. “Do you want me to keep calling you Mac? Or should I start using Robert Joseph? Or just Robert? RJ, maybe?”

“Mac’s fine,” he said, opening the door and walking out into the night.

I leaned into the doorframe, watching him go.

“Goodnight, Robert Joseph MacCready.”

He held a hand up in a noncommittal wave, disappearing around the corner. Now I was all alone to deal with my uneasiness. It was probably a good thing he’d left. Although I did want to be able to open up fully to someone, I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to choose MacCready for that role. I wasn’t sure if he would even consider accepting the role.

It was probably best to keep him at a distance, just like he was doing with me.

******

In the morning, I chose to stay in my room, not wanting to walk around tearing my hair out in front of everyone. At around eleven o’clock someone knocked on my door loudly, as if they were panicked.

I bolted to the door, throwing it open to reveal Tinker Tom.

“You ready to go?” he asked, grinning.

Fear struck me like lightning, but I nodded, following him through the drive in. Piper, Nick, Deacon, Dogmeat, MacCready, and Desdemona were all gathered around the console of the teleporter. The teleporter itself was alight, electricity climbing and leaping from it’s metal limbs.

“Alright, Charmer, the Institute is a huge unknown. Before we can make any plans you need to do something,” Dez said, ushering me into the shed beside the teleporter. “What I’m about to tell you is the most closely guarded secret the Railroad has. It’s time you learn about Patriot.”

“I like the name. Sounds encouraging.”

“There’s a man, or a woman -we’re not sure- inside the Institute who helps synths escape to freedom. Dozens of synths owe him their lives. We don’t know his name, we’ve never had a way to contact him. So we gave him the codename Patriot. If your plans work, and you’re able to get inside the Institute, we need you to make contact.”

“Can do.”

“Tom’s encrypted a message for Patriot’s eyes only. Once he sees it, he’ll contact you. Until you make contact, and probably after, you need to stay in their good graces. You need to infiltrate them. Can you do that? Can you be our agent on the inside?”

My first instinct was to say no. Why would I want to spend anymore time with the people who allowed Kellogg to kill my husband, the people who stole my son from me? But in the end, the greatest revenge would be bringing down their entire organization. I’d unscrew it from the inside, cause it to collapse in on itself.

“Bring it on,” I said with a determined smile that Dez returned.

“You can do this. I believe in you.”

She handed me a holotape that I tucked into my backpack. “Just plug it into any Institute terminal and wait for the reply.” She lead me out of the shed. “When you come back, Deacon will be waiting for you in Sanctuary. We don’t want him to be discovered here if they trace you back to the drive in. Now go stand on the platform.”

I approached the towering structure, but didn’t hop on it quite yet. I cast a nervous look in the direction of my friends. Nick, despite his limited facial movements, appeared to be apprehensive. Piper had the look of- well, a reporter about to crack a case wide open. Both Deacon and MacCready’s expression’s were inscrutable. I smiled at the group, pretending that there wasn’t a storm brewing inside of my body.

“This frequency is only going to work once. You-know-Who doesn’t make the same mistake twice,” said Tom. Gathering all my strength, I stepped up onto the platform, ignoring the sparks that rained down around me. “So, stand still. Gotta lock in all those molecules of yours. Hopefully we won’t miss any… There’s only, you know, sixty trillion of them.”

I swallowed, sweat pooling in my clenched fists. My eyes snapped to MacCready’s, the blue impossible to make out from this distance.

“Alright, feeding our baby some juice. Let’s see what she’s got.”

Electricity crackled loudly above me, the teleporter shaking slightly and I gasped, head snapping up to look at the blue energy snaking around the metal. “Oh, man! Don’t worry. That’s… all part of the plan.”

Desdemona approached the platform, yelling above the sizzling electricity and the general whirring of the teleporter.

“Do whatever you can to gain their trust! Lie, tell them what they want to hear! Make up a cover story and sell it!”

“C’mon! I think I got it! Establishing lock on the Institute signal!” Tom cried from behind the console.

“Just get all the information you can. About synths! About the Institute’s plans! Find their weaknesses! If we can disable or destroy the Institute, we may have to take it!”

“Got the RF! We got it!”

I closed my eyes, blue light dancing behind my eyelids. I felt cold, and hot at the same time and my hairs stood on end. I needed a distraction. I thought about Nate, about his beautiful brown eyes, his thick black hair. I thought about his laugh, his lighthearted sense of humor. I imagined him wrapping his arms around me.

Tinker Tom screamed, _“Now!”_

My eyes flew open in time to see the unabashed fear on Mac’s face as I was fully engulfed in electricity, blinded by it.

“Find a way to save them!” Dez yelled as the crackling crescendoed. “No one else can!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever been supposed to update your story but then you have terrible writers block and end up drawing Dragon Age fanart instead? Cause that's what happened to me. I'm sorry about the delayed update! Thankfully, I'm already halfway done with the next chapter, so I WILL BE UPDATING ON WEDNESDAY. I'm sorry I am the betrayer. Anyway, I know this chapter's a bit all over the place, like I said, I was suffering from serious writers block.  
> Anyway, thanks for the support! I love you guys!


	17. Oh my love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO MUCH SHAUN TALKING AHEAD

The blue light of the teleporter disappeared as quickly as it had come, erasing the drive in, and leaving behind a circular room in it’s place. I gasped, dropping to my knees, my head spinning and my heart pounding. I patted myself all over, checking to see if I was in one piece, breathing heavily as if I’d run all the way here.

Ahead of me was a doorway, a large security desk just beyond it, and another doorway at the back of the next room. I stood, my legs shaking as if I hadn’t eaten in days, my hands slick with sweat. I resisted the urge to take out the pistol on my hip. It was probably best not to appear too hostile.

I stumbled out of the circular room, scanning the following room panickedly, worried I was going to get tackled to the ground at any second- or shot at. But it was empty.

I hurried through the room, tripping over myself to make it through the next door way. There was a ramp leading into another grey room that I began to run down. A voice from overhead brought me to a screeching halt, my nerves spiking.

“Hello,” they said.

The voice was soft, belonging to an elderly man, and not at all aggressive. Still, I reached for my gun, looking around as if I could see them. My mind flew to the day I’d killed Kelogg, when he’d taunted me over the buildings speakers. “I wondered if you might make it here. You’re quite resourceful. I’m known as father; the Institute is under my guidance.”

Scolding hot hatred clawed up my throat, screamed for me to unholster my gun. I strode to the bottom of the ramp, spotting a large, glass tube ahead of me. The man continued, “I know why you’re here. I’d like to discuss things with you, face-to-face. Please, step into the elevator.”

I did so, seething, my fists balled at my side, my nails digging into my palm. The man talked to me the whole time I descended into the unknown. I should have been afraid like I was when being teleported here. But hearing the voice of the man who had undoubtedly been the cause of husband’s death and son’s kidnapping had triggered something inside me. My breathing was shallow, my pulse thundered in my ears, and I found myself trembling with rage.

 _Grab the gun_ , my anger demanded. _Blow his fucking brains out the moment you see him._

“I can only imagine what you’ve heard, what you think of us. I’d like to show you that you may have… the wrong impression,” he said. His voice might have been soothing if it hadn’t belonged to the man who destroyed my life. “Welcome to the Institute.”

As he spoke, the elevator reached beyond the dark walls that had been encasing it, revealing a brightly lit area with trees, and raised hallways with glass walls, people milling about within them. I could also just make out… water! Water flowing in waterfalls and extending in a large pool beneath the floor far below me. My awe barely stifled my anger though.

“This is the reality of the Institute. This place, these people, the work we do. For over a hundred years, we’ve dedicated ourselves to humanity’s survival. Decades of research, countless experiments and trials… A shared vision of how science can help shape the future. It has never been easy, and our actions are often misinterpreted by the people above ground. Someday, perhaps, we can show them what we’ve accomplished. But for now, we must remain underground.”

The elevator disappeared below what had seemed to be the hub of the institute, being encased by concrete again. It came to a stop, the glass twisting open and I stormed into a long, grey hallway.

“There’s too much at stake here to risk it all. As you’ve seen, things above are… unstable. I’d like to talk to you about what WE can do… for everyone. But that can wait. You’re here for a specific, very personal reason. You are here for your son.”

As he finished speaking, I wheeled around a corner, coming upon a room with a glass enclosure built into the wall. Inside, sat a little boy with red hair. My heart twisted and it felt as if my entire chest collapsed in on itself, crippling me. Any trace of anger evaporated upon seeing him sitting there in that cage.

“Shaun!?” I choked, staggering into the glass.

He glanced over his shoulder, getting to his feet.

“Huh? ...Yes, I’m Shaun.”

He faced me, confusion on his lightly freckled face. He was the same age he’d been in Kellogg’s memory. Dr. Amari was right, they had been recent memories. I pressed my hands into the glass, trying to speak.

“Oh, Shaun… I can’t believe it’s you…”

He stepped back, wary.

“Who… who are you?”

Tears spilled free at the sound of his voice. I wished I could have comforted him, approached the whole situation more level headedly. But there he was. My son. A piece of Nate and myself. And he was so old. They’d stolen so many years from me.

“Shaun, I’m your mom. You don’t know me, but I’m your mom. I’m so sorry.”

“Father! What’s going on? What’s happening!?”

“Shaun, are you okay? You’re not hurt, are you?”

Every time I spoke it only seemed to upset him more. My chest clenched and my stomach tied itself into knots.

“What’s going on? Father? Father!” he cried, moving further away from the glass as if I might start trying to break it.

I was actually beginning to consider it.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m here now, I’m not going to hurt you, baby.”

“I don’t know you! Go away! Father! Father, help me!”

“Shaun-”

“There’s someone here! Help me!”

“Who is father!? Where is he!?” I asked, crying still, tears pouring over my chin and onto the floor. I wanted to start hitting the glass, my frustration, my distress coming to a boil. I wanted to get in there and throw my arms around him.

I wanted to go back in time and stop him from being taken from me.

“Father? Father! Help me, she’s trying to take me! Father!”

The low hum of a door sliding open reached my ears, immediately followed by the voice of the man on the intercom.

“Shaun. S9-23 Recall Code Cirrus.”

Shaun’s body went slack, his head hanging, though he remained standing. The room was suddenly particularly quiet, the only sound penetrating the silence being the pounding of my heart. I stared in horror at my limp son, my mind reeling.

“Fascinating, but disappointing. The child’s responses were not at all what I anticipated. He’s a prototype, you understand. We’re only just now beginning to explore the effects of extreme emotional stimuli.”

Slowly, I rose to my feet, unable to speak. My whole system was fried from that brief encounter. I met the man’s unfeeling stare, my mouth ajar. “Please, try to keep an open mind. I recognize that you are emotional, and that your journey here has been fraught with challenges. Let’s start anew. I am Father. Welcome to the Institute.”

I could have killed him right there if the lights had been turned on in my brain. Instead, my voice cracked loudly from my throat, worn, and shaking.

“Where the hell is my son!? Who the hell are you!? ‘Father’? What is that? Your _title_ _?”_ I growled.

“‘Father’ is my unofficial title. It’s what I’ve come to mean to the people of the Institute. Just as… as you are a parent to your son. To Shaun.”

“God,” I croaked, more tears dripping down my cheeks. Usually I would have been embarrassed about openly crying in front of a stranger, but this was a unique scenario. “All we’re missing are the teacups and the White Rabbit…”

Father smiled faintly.

“Ah, levity. Excellent. A sure sign that you adapt quickly to stressful environments. But I need you to realize that this… situation is much more complicated than you could have imagined. You have travelled very far, and suffered a great deal to find your son. Well, your tenacity and dedication has been rewarded.” I wanted to cut him off and demand to know where the real Shaun was, but he kept talking, though his tone was even gentler than before. “It’s good to finally meet you, after all this time. It’s me. I am Shaun.”

It was as if someone had dropped a ton of bricks on me. My breath caught in my throat, and my knees almost buckled. My wet eyes widened as I reacted unabashedly, too stunned to put on a poker face.

“What- _How?_ How is that even possible?” I asked hoarsely.

Father raised a hand towards me as if to calm me, stare alert, like he suspected I might faint. There was a good chance I was going to. There was no way this old man could be my son.

“I know this is a lot to take in. In the vault, you had no concept of the passage of time. You were released from your pod, and went searching for the son you’d lost. But then you learned your son was no longer an infant, but a ten year old boy. You believed that ten years had passed. Is it really so hard to accept that it was not ten, but sixty years?” he paused for a moment, as if maybe I might argue. Fortunately for him, I’d lost the ability to vocalize. “That is the reality. And here I am. Raised by the Institute, and now it’s leader.”

My anger was revitalized.

“They stole you! They kidnapped you! What they did was wrong!”

“Right, wrong… irrelevant. It was necessary. The Institute believed humanity’s future depended on it. At that time, the year 2227, the Institute had made great strides in synth production. But it was never enough. Scientific curiosity, and the goal for perfection, drove them ever onward. What they wanted was… the perfect machine. So they followed the best example thus far- the human being. Walking, talking, fully articulate. Capable of anything.”

“Why did they need you, though!? Why did they have to take you? You were just a baby!”

“Even in their attempts to shield themselves from the world above, members of the Institute had been exposed. Another source was necessary. But then the Institute found me, after discovering records from Vault 111. An infant, frozen in time, protected from the radiation-induced mutations that had crept into every human cell in the Commonwealth.”

“They stole you to make generation 3 synths?”

“Exactly. I am their Father. Through science, we are family. The synths, me… and you.”

It was then that I truly examined his brown eyes. Nate’s eyes.

“It really is you…”

All the fear, the anxiety, the grief I’d experienced up until this moment swelled like an orchestra, and my -weak- composure crumbled away. I sobbed, closing the gap between us and wrapping my arms around Shaun’s torso. He was tall, like Nate, my head barely reaching his shoulders. He stiffened, clearly caught off guard by the show of affection, but I didn’t care. I was lost to the world.

“I’m so sorry,” I wailed, latching onto the back of the white lab coat he wore. “I failed you, I’m so sorry, Shaun. I was supposed to protect you, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Hesitantly, as if he was unsure of how to reciprocate, he placed a hand on the middle of my back.

“There, there,” he muttered, and if I wasn’t in a state of utter disarray, I might have rolled my eyes at him. “It’s alright.”

I let go of him, attempting to pull myself together, but I was crushed, seeing him now only splitting the hole wider that I’d gotten the day I’d woken up.

“Your father,” I said, unable to control my crying. “He never got to see you grow up.”

This was the moment I’d come to fear. His response to discussing Nate’s death. I pushed my hair back with both my hands, letting them settle at the back of my neck, making pathetic little gasping sounds.

“Ah, yes… what happened to him was... “ his eyes fell to the floor as he deliberated carefully over what to say. “I’ve gone over the records of the incident, of course. It seems what happened to him was an unfortunate bit of collateral damage.”

I inhaled sharply, my stomach churning as if I might throw up.

“Shaun… he loved you. He loved you so much…”

I couldn’t speak.

“I have no doubt. I’m afraid I have little experience with those emotions, having lived my life within the Institute. For many years I never questioned who my parents were, I accepted my situation and that was that. With old age comes regret, and asking “what if…” more often. But what matters now is that you and I have a chance to begin again.”

“No, no!” I snapped, unable to reign in my horror. “You cannot just gloss over your father’s  _murder_ like that. I know you didn’t know him. But you meant the world to him. And-and the man who killed him worked for you!”

“Kellogg… He was an Institute asset long before I arrived here. It wasn’t until I became Director that I learned of all the things he’d done… what kind of man he was.”

“He was a son of a bitch,” I said, and I noticed that I was trembling. “But after what I’ve seen… I pity the man. He was awful, don’t think I’m naive enough not to know that, but he was a victim in all this as well.”

My mind flashed to his memory of his family, his daughter. I could feel his sticky blood on my hands again. I could see his shredded chest. I swallowed, clenching my jaw.

“After what he did to you? I’m shocked you would be so generous. I for one, will never truly forgive him.”

“Don’t mistake my sympathy for forgiveness. The Institute may have placed the orders, but he still pulled the trigger. He  _still_ killed your father.”

Shaun shifted uncomfortably.

“The Institute took advantage of Kellogg’s vicious nature. I will freely admit that. He never failed the Institute, but his cruelty became more apparent with every completed objective,” he said, and then lowered his voice, “I won’t lie; It’s no coincidence your path crossed his. It seemed a fitting way to allow you.. _us_ … to have some amount of revenge-”

“I can’t- I can’t hear anymore of this. I need- I don’t know. I need to sit, or sleep, or something, I can’t stand here like this anymore. I can’t talk about this.”

“Of course. You’ve been through so much, and I am truly sorry. There are quarters prepared for you. You could rest, wash off, and we could talk more later.”

I nodded, my bottom lip quivering, but I managed not to start crying, having only stopped a minute or two ago. Shaun lead me through brightly lit, white hallways, and spiralling stairs, people passing us, gawking at me, though unlike the people of the Commonwealth, they made an effort to hide their prying eyes. We eventually reached a bedroom just like ten others we had passed. “Feel free to come and find me when you feel ready. If not, I will be back here at six o’clock.”

He placed a hand on my shoulder, evidently making an effort to be a little human with me, regardless of his lack of practise. I reached up, covering his hand and squeezing it. I couldn’t formulate a sentence, instead silently walking into the room, the door sliding shut behind me.  
It was cleaner than anything I’d seen in months- the whole Institute building was. There was a proper bed, with clean, white sheets and a blue, grey blanket. Beyond a half wall I could see a sink, with an undamaged, and spotless mirror.

I crossed the room, dropping my backpack onto the floor. I examined myself in the reflective glass, tracing the deep scar from Kellogg’s knife. It wasn’t nearly as ugly as it once had been, but I wouldn’t say it made me any prettier either. On the left side of my face, there was a small scar branching away from my top lip. I’d gotten it when the raider had thrown a bottle besides my head during our commandeering of the drive in.

I turned on the sink, grinning as clean water ran out of the faucet, feeling the dried tears on my face flake. I stuck my hands under the flow of water, watching as dirt circled the drain.

I glanced at the shower, deciding to move onto bigger and better things than the sink. I’d had to retire my vault suit after the raider had sliced open the middle and all the other abuses it had suffered. Instead I was wearing a large, white shirt that was more grey and brown than white at this point, and a pair of old, worn jeans. I quickly unbuttoned the shirt, kicking off my boots at the same time and then peeled off the jeans. I gently placed my hulking pipboy on the edge of the sink.

I’d been wearing the same bra since I’d woken up, the weekly washes in the river doing little to keep it from becoming filthy. I unclipped it, dropping it to the floor and dropped my underwear. I took a moment to inspect my naked body. There was a scar on the right side of my hip, a couple littering my legs, a long barely healed wound across my stomach. In the mirror I could see the shining, plastic scar from the laser wound around my collar area, and the graze on my left shoulder.

I was definitely thinner, too, though I’d already been fairly skinny before. This was an unhealthy weight though, my ribs visible, my skin clinging to my arms. My hips were still wide and losing weight had done nothing to my chest. Gallivanting around the Wasteland would probably be easier if I went down a cup size.

Adjusting the heat of the water, I climbed into the shower, sighing contentedly. There were a few working showers in the Commonwealth, but nothing like this. I almost moaned as water cascaded down my battered body. I ran my hands over my knotted hair, shuddering, the tips of my hair brushing across the curve of my spine.

Sitting on a shelf was a bottle of shampoo, another of conditioner, and a smaller one of body wash. This was something I couldn’t get in the Commonwealth. I shampooed my hair, doing my best to untangle it with my fingers before conditioning. I scrubbed at my body with a loofah while I let the conditioner sit, watching dirt and blood  swirl in the basin of the shower.

I spent what was probably close to an hour in there, eventually just curling up on the floor, letting the water wash away my tears, my frustration, everything. There was most likely limits on how long people could shower, seeing as water probably wasn’t plentiful even here, so I unenthusiastically stopped the water, wrapping myself in a towel.

There was a digital clock besides the bed that read “4:00”. There was also a dresser in the room, that I rummaged through, discovering plain, blue pajamas and… bras and underwear. _Thank god_. They really were ready for me. How long had Shaun known I was coming for? Did he know I was working with the Railroad?

I slid on fresh underwear and pajamas, climbing into the bed.

I wasn’t sure how long I would stay here, but I knew I needed a nap. I was exhausted, as if I’d been running a marathon. I was too fatigued to stew on everything I’d learned today. I fell into a heavy sleep, not stirring at all until the alarm I’d set went off at 5:45.  
At 5:53, there had been a knock at the door.

“Come in,” I called, sitting on the end of the bed, brushing my hair.

The door slid open and Shaun stepped inside, hands behind his back. It was so strange. Past his wrinkles I could see pieces of myself, pieces of Nate. He had my nose, his father's jaw and mouth. He looked so much like Nate that it was bewildering.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, and although the question seemed to come from a good  place, it sounded like more of a question for the sake of some kind of study.

“Better. I'm still… upset, I suppose, but I like to think I'm not going to become hysterical.”

Shaun came to stand in front of me, unsure of where to put himself. I patted the spot next to me on the bed. In spite of his age, my instinct was to treat him like a child- like MY child. Of course, I had zero experience raising a child. I babysat kids when I was a teenager, but that wasn't the same. This was completely new to me, and totally unconventional, and I was sure he was feeling just as lost.

I ignored his patronizing smile as he sat beside me, clasping his worn hands together. I placed the brush on the bed behind me.

“It's strange,” he said, quiet and introspective. “I've imagined what it might be like to meet you for quite some time now, and yet I feel underprepared.”

“I know what you mean,” I said, smiling sadly at the wall across from us. “Of course, I was imagining a child. Not a man forty years my senior.”

Shaun nodded.

“You're twenty-four, correct?”

“Yes.”

There was silence. I knew what we were both thinking. So young. Thirty-six years between us. “Did you ever wish that you hadn’t been unfrozen?” I asked in a thin voice, hoping not to break down again.

“No,” he said firmly, looking down at me a second later. I mustn’t have hid the heartbreak his answer caused me very well, because he backpedaled. “I do wish, however, that both of you had been able to come with me. At least, I wondered what it might have been like to be raised by two loving parents.”

“How could you forgive them?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. “Once you discovered everything that happened to your FAMILY, how could you possibly forgive the Institute?”

“I understand why this vexes you. But what you must understand is the Institute… is important. It really is humanity’s best hope for the future, no matter what those above ground might think of us.”

All I wanted to do was scream, argue, point out the obvious issues with how the Institute handled things. Kidnappings, planting synths out in the Commonwealth to monitor people,  _murdering_ Nate. I was certain he wasn’t the first to die at the hands of some Institute mercenary. Not to mention that

undeniable enslavement of all the generation 3 synths.

But I didn’t. I tucked it all away, just like I’d always tried to since waking up. Evidently I wasn’t great at it, but I would try. For the sake of cohesion with my son, for the sake of keeping my Railroad-esque morals hidden.

“Things are bad up there, Shaun. I mean, really, really awful. They could use your help.”

“Oh, we’ve tried that.” I glanced up at him, raising a scarred eyebrow. “Surprised? We’ve tried to help create a stabilized Commonwealth government. It ended in bickering, infighting- it was a disaster. _No_. We look after our own now.”

There was a darkness and an edge to his words. It sent a chill down my spine. How could he say something so cold with such conviction? If the Institute was all for the good of humanity, how could they abandon so many people like that?

When he spoke next, his tone was much lighter, a stark juxtaposition. “Ultimately the Commonwealth has nothing to fear from us. Whatever you’ve seen or heard, I know I can convince you of that. Just… give me time. I know there’s more for us to discuss, but the Institute is on the verge of some important breakthroughs. Your presence would be… appreciated as we approach them.”

My stomach twisted, but I didn’t interrupt him. “I’ve been apart of something amazing here. I’ve helped build a life for myself and the people of the Institute. And now, after all these years, you have an opportunity to help with that that. Doesn’t that intrigue you? Isn’t that what you want?”

My frown deepened as I looked up at him.

“You want me to stay here? In the Institute?” I asked, unable to mask my incredulity.

“Yes, that is what I propose. Is it so hard to imagine?” Yes. “The Institute can provide a better life than anything above ground. You’ve been in the Commonwealth. You’ve seen what it’s like. I assure you that you are better off with us.”

He was probably right. They had water, undoubtedly food, clean air. But even if the Institute was a cave in the Glowing Sea without doors or anyway to take cover from the radiation, I would have to say yes. Not because I wanted to see what was happening here, not even because I wanted to spend every second I could with Shaun, but because the Railroad wanted me to.

“Alright.”

Contradicting with the clinical way he’d approached things so far, he sighed with relief, smiling.

“Thank you. The Institute is now your home as much as it is mine. Please, take some time and get to know it. Meet the people you’ll be working with.”

“There are some things in the Commonwealth that I have to deal with first. I don’t know how long it will take me, but after that, I’ll come back. And I’ll stay here.” I met his stare, gazed into his father’s eyes. “I’ll stay with you, Shaun.”

His smile warmed, molding all his features. It should have made me happy. But instead it stretched the hole in my chest a little wider.

“At least stay the night. We can send you back to where you came from in the morning. Have a taste of what your life will be like from now on.”

The bed was the comfiest I’d experienced in a long time. What was the harm of going to Sanctuary in the morning? I’d completed my mission for now, I’d made the Institute believe I wasn’t a threat. I’d gone through hell, met my son only to discover he was an old man, I’d missed raising him entirely, and he didn’t seem particularly torn up about Nate’s unjust dead.

I’d say I’d earned a good night's sleep and another hot shower in the morning.

So once Shaun had left, I tucked myself back into bed and closed my eyes, falling into a black void, without dreams, without thoughts, and without worries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By "I WILL UPDATE WEDNESDAY" I meant 12:32am on a Thursday. I have to go to bed, but I love you guys, again, thanks for the support! I love you.
> 
> (Oh, also, if you want to check out my shitty art tumblr it's summartblog there's lots of fallout fanart and such.)


	18. You don't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter update, but this is all that I wanted to happen in this chapter! After the next chapter I plan for things to be a little lighter. I know it's been pretty bummer-y since like two chapters ago, but things will start looking up, I promise. I might not be able to update until sometime in the next two weeks, not next Wednesday, but we'll see. Thank you for always being patient and supportive! I love reading people's thoughts and opinions and I am so grateful every time someone comments. 
> 
> Love you guys!

There was no blue light when using the relay within the Institute. One second I was in the round room, the next, I was standing on the teleporter at the drive in. I gasped, my legs almost giving out. I staggered off of the platform, catching myself on the wall of the shed.

There was a growl and then multiple barks, Dogmeat scrambling out of the shed. My eyes widened and a pleasantly surprised smile tugged at my lips. I crouched beside him, stroking his thick coat.

“Dogmeat,” I said, “What are you doing here?”

He barked once, and I decided that he was saying he was waiting for me, to make sure I was safe. I gave myself a couple minutes to collect myself, standing and smoothing my hair and the salmon colored dress Shaun had left on the dresser for me this morning along with a note.

_Many years ago, I had our old home searched for anything… sentimental. This dress was one of the few things brought back to me. I thought you might like to have it back. I understand that it isn’t very practical out in the Wasteland, but perhaps you’d enjoy wearing something familiar when you come to stay in the Institute?_

_-Shaun_

The first thing I’d wondered was why they hadn’t brought him the wedding photo? Had they not seen it? Or had they not wanted him to see it?

I’d put the dress on immediately, a decision Shaun had questioned when we’d eaten together in the cafeteria of the Institute. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t hang it up inside my room. Maybe it was a longing for something from before the war.

Unfortunately, with my neatly brushed and styled hair, and belted dress, I looked like an easy target. Of course, I’d probably never looked that threatening in the first place. Still, my current primped and proper ensemble wasn’t going to make raiders and bandits shy away from me. As if he sensed my uneasiness, Dogmeat licked the back of my hand.

Bracing myself for the hour long walk, I took in a deep breath, gripped the straps of my backpack and set off. The dresses hem had been burned up a few inches, and the sleeves were singed, and with every step I was scraped by brittle grass and tree branches.

For the first time in my life I appreciated the vault suits. I’d kept wearing them mostly as an inside joke with myself, and Piper had made me feel a little attached to them since she started calling me Blue.

As I neared Sanctuary, I began formulating my plan. What was I going to tell everyone? How could I possibly explain Shaun being the director of the Institute? They’d all pity me, all look at me like a sad little girl. What would Dez do? Would she take me off of the mission, try and find another way to destroy the Institute? Maybe it would be better that way.

Or would she expect me to follow through? Expect me to tear apart everything my child had built?

Both options were just as ghastly.

I needed more time. Eventually everyone would have to know, but not yet. I just needed a little longer.

Soon, I reached the bridge to Sanctuary, relief and nerves mingling within me. If I wasn’t going to tell them about Shaun, what was I going to say instead? What lie could I quickly weave?

I walked around the curve in the street, my home coming into view. Deacon stood in the middle of the road.

“She’s here!” he yelled the moment I was visible, rushing towards me.

I couldn’t help but grin, his excitement easing my worries a little. I had people who cared about me. It would be okay.

Except I was still going to have to ruin my son’s life or choose to allow a group of people to remain enslaved. Deacon threw his arms around me upon making it to where I was, catching me off guard. After a split second of shock, I wrapped my arms around him.

“Miss me?”

“Are you kidding, Charmer? You were gone for an entire day! We all thought you’d gotten yourself captured.”

He let go of me and we continued towards the workshop.

“None of you had any faith in me,” I said, nudging him with my elbow.

He stepped in front of me, holding onto my shoulders.

“Tell me everything. What happened? What’s it like in there? Did you find Shaun?”

My mouth hung open for a moment before I swallowed, sweeping my soft hair out of my eye.

“It’s… It was a lot to take in. Can I relax a bit before we get into everything?”

Deacon nodded, releasing me, clearly dying at the thought of waiting any longer.

“Of course, of course.”

Piper appeared from my left, wrapping her arms around me, as tightly as Deacon had. I hugged her back, laughing.

“Twenty-four hours too long for me to be away?” I asked as she moved back.

“If you’re in the Institute,” she said, giving me a look as if I’d grown an extra head. “What happened to you there? They giving makeovers as a bribe?”

“Something like that. I know you’re curious but-”

“I have ears, Blue. I know you need some space. I just thought I’d say hello and welcome back.”

I smiled, touching her arm.

“Thank you, Piper.”

She smirked at me, before going back to sit on the worktable. I looked around, expecting Nick or MacCready to be somewhere out in the open. I tried not to think too deeply on my disappointment at not being able to easily locate Mac. “Nick’s on a job and MacCready… well, I was just talking to him right before you got here. I’m not sure where he went.”

“I guess I’ll catch up with them later,” I muttered, waving at her, and heading across the road.

My home was exactly how I’d left it before going to the drive in. I’d grown accustomed to the drive in, but it was nice to be home. To be in Sanctuary. Even if seeing my decimated house always stung.

I scooped up the empty picture frame from the shelves on the left side of the front door, carrying it to my bedroom. I plopped down at my rickety office chair, dropping my backpack and retrieving Nate and I’s wedding photo from inside.  
I carefully tucked it back into where it belonged, my eyes lingering on the picture. A lump formed in my throat. If only he were still here. I couldn’t help but think he would have handled this situation so much better than me.

I blinked rapidly, swallowing, and put the frame into the same drawer as Nate’s wedding ring. I leaned onto the desk, covering my face and taking in steady, deliberate breaths.

What on earth was I going to do?

My mind wandered back to this morning, when I’d had breakfast with Shaun.  
  
_“Good morning… Violet,” Shaun said, sitting across from me._

_I was sipping at my coffee, and I lowered the mug back to the table, smiling._

_“You_ can _call me mom.” His expression was impossible to read and did little to make me feel comfortable with what I was saying. “But if that’s too strange for you, we can stick to Violet.”_

_“Would you like me to call you mother?” he asked, as clinical as he had been yesterday._

_“_ _I suppose… Honestly, I hadn’t really thought about it. If you were ten, or a baby, calling me mom or mother wouldn’t have been a problem,” I said, shrugging._

_“Then I will do my best to refer to you as… mother.” I took another gulp of my coffee, and he frowned. “Have you already eaten?”_

_I almost scoffed, but thankfully my social skills were still intact, so I merely shook my head, swallowing._

_“_ _No, I didn’t want to risk teleporting with a full stomach. Plus, I don’t really understand the whole ‘food supplement’ thing.”_

_Shaun smiled, almost laughed even. His resemblance to Nate slapped me in the face once more and I forced myself to drink in order to smother my reaction._

_“It will grow on you,” he said, lacing his fingers together on the table. “Food supplement’s are more nutritious than anything that’s growing above ground.”_

_I nodded, gazing into the dark coffee. The mug was almost empty; soon I wouldn’t have anything to distract myself from my erratically changing emotions. Shaun’s voice drew me from my reverie, and my eyes flickered to his. “I am glad you’re here. Things are bound to be… strange, what with the paths we both took to arrive at this moment, and our age difference, but in the end, I believe it will be nice to have a family.”_

_Guilt, confusion, fear, and happiness all washed over me simultaneously, knotting my stomach, crushing my chest. Tears welled in my eyes that I managed to keep at bay, and I smiled, covering his hands with one of own. It was so small in comparison to his._

_I thought he might shy away from my affection, but after a brief second, he moved his hands, enveloping mine._

_“_ _It’s wonderful to have finally met you, mother.”_  
  
There was a knock at the door and I jumped, dropping my hands away from my face. Standing in the doorway was Mac, his hair mussed as if he’d been running his hands through it- something he generally did when he was stressed or upset.

I stood, concerned, stepping out from around the desk.

“Mac, is something wrong?”

His eyes widened a fraction and then he hung his head, half smiling.

“Of course that’s your first thought.”

I frowned, hands held out in front of me as if I were about to grab onto his coat, latch onto his shoulders, wrap my arms around him. I let them fall back to my side. “You’ve been at the Institute -Boogeyman Headquarters- for a day and you’re worried about _me_.”

I tucked some hair behind my ear, grinning crookedly.

“I’m being too nice, aren’t I?” I asked.

His head was tilted to the side and he met my stare, his blue eyes ignited by the sun streaming in through the broken window. God, I’d missed him and it had only been a day. I couldn’t tell him that though, it would only annoy him.

“Yeah. But I’m used to it.” I backed up, perching on the edge of the desk and MacCready swallowed, enigmatic as ever. “Are you alright? I heard you’re not ready to talk about whatever happened there, so you don’t have to-”

“I’m okay,” I said.

He sighed.

“You always say that.”

“No, I always say I'm fine.”

He looked gave me a pointed look and flatly said, “What's the difference?”

I pursed my lips.

“There isn't really one.”

“Look, are you sure you don't want to talk about it? I know you, you're just gonna bottle it up and then have a break down later.”

I folded my arms, opening my mouth to argue only to close it a moment later. He wasn't wrong. But I was resolved not to tell anyone yet. Even Mac. Especially Mac.

“Weren't you the one who wanted to keep things impersonal?”

“Yeah, but I was also the one who said it was a little late for that,” he said, moving further into the room, indignant.

“Mac, you told me two days ago I wasn’t allowed to ask you another personal question for a month.”

“Ask  _me_ personal questions. _You_ can still tell me things,” he said, though it was evident on his face that he knew how weak his argument was.

“You know that isn’t fair.”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair, eyes flickering to the window.

“This isn’t how I wanted this to go,” he muttered.

“Wanted what to go?”

“Seeing you again- I don’t know. I wanted… I thought… Look, I’ll respect that you need time. But when you do finally decide you’re ready to talk, consider letting me in on it, okay?”

My heart was pounding in my chest. I wasn’t sure why. I hung my head, chewing on the inside of my cheek. I didn’t understand him. One day he’d open up to me, and the next he would abruptly shut me out.

Why did I care so much? Yes, he was my friend, and friends shared things with each other, but it shouldn’t have been so hard to respect his boundaries. Of course, if I could comprehend his boundaries that would help.

Tears welled in my eyes and I bit into my cheek, clenching my fists.

“Violet?”

“I want to tell you. I want it off of my chest- but I can’t. I can’t.”

He inched closer to me.

“Vi…”

And then I was crying again. I was like a constant fountain of tears. I hated myself in that moment. I wanted to disappear, push MacCready out and slam the door. Metaphorically and physically. “Talk to me-”

“Why don’t you want to tell me anything about yourself?” I asked, hoping my weeping would make him more pliable. I looked up at him through my lashes and for a moment he seemed taken aback.

“It’s… complicated. I don’t-” he stopped himself, eyes on the floor. His cheeks were bright red, a shade I hadn’t seen on him before. “I care about you, Violet, you know that, but I’m sc-”

Someone tapped on the remaining glass of the window, silencing him, and drawing both our attentions. Standing outside was Deacon, a smug smile on his face. If anyone needed a bell around their neck, it was him.

“Sorry to interrupt whatever…  _this_ is, but I really need something to tell Dez.”

I wiped under my eyes, sniffling.

“Okay, I’ll be out in just a second,” I said, giving him a look that screamed _‘Leave’_.

He took the social cue, ducking away from the house. My gaze fell back to MacCready, who had backed towards the door while I’d been looking at Deacon.

“I’ll let you go talk to Deacon,” he said, turning away. “I know you’re hurting… but don’t torture yourself- please, not because of something stupid I said.”

I opened my mouth to ask him to stay, ask him to let me in, even if I was scared to do the same for him. He’s a bad choice, I reminded myself. He was the last person I should unstitch myself for. He didn’t want to see the emotional scars, the gaping, gruesome hole I’d developed upon discovering my life in shambles all those months ago.

Because how could he possibly want to see something like that when he wasn’t even willing to explain his own wounds? I knew they were there, it was clear he’d been through a lot, other than heat from the Gunners.

But he would never tell me.

And at the thought of that, of how truly alone I was in spite of having so many people who cared about me, I came to a conclusion. If the universe was going to give me such a terrible hand, then I was going to throw the cards away entirely.

“It was good to see you, Mac,” I said as he moved into the hall.

He peered over his shoulder, smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“You too, Vi. By the way, the dress? It looks good on you.”

With that, he walked away, leaving me standing in my room. Slowly, I tread back to my desk, removing the wedding ring I’d been wearing for so long now. Hundreds of years. The skin underneath was paler, something that was hard to achieve when I already had a rather ghostly complexion.

I opened the drawer with Nate’s ring and the wedding photo, placing it gently inside. My throat thickened, but I reigned in my emotions as I slid the drawer shut.

I would go and tell Deacon something vague, enough that he would feel compelled to go talk to Dez immediately, and then… then I would leave.


	19. What you do to me

Waves drifted lazily over the debris covered shore of the pier, repetitious and calming. I inhaled as they crawled across the sand and exhaled as they receded, leaving behind wood, cans, seaweed. I ignored the giant carcass of what might have once been a dolphin that lay beside a broken old row boat.

I was sitting in what was formerly the kitchen of Nate and I’s first apartment, curled up on the counter, my head resting on the wall beside the window. Dogmeat, who had come with me when I left, slept in a ball on the floor below me. Every now and then I would drink, sometimes eat. Not a lot though. With every passing day I could feel myself getting weaker. This was how I spent most of my days since arriving here a month ago.

It had taken me three days to make it here, sleeping in old shacks, caves, abandoned houses. And, as expected, I’d had to fight the occasional feral ghoul or bloatfly or radroach. In my whole time in the Commonwealth the only time I’d been truly alone while travelling was on my way from my home to the museum where I met Preston. Of course, I'd still had some help, Dogmeat being a quite capable partner.

We had survived, unscathed, the only toll had been the small blood stain on my dress from when I’d killed a feral ghoul that had only been a foot away. The whole journey I’d been convinced Deacon was hot on my heels. But judging by fact I’d been undisturbed, save for the few raiders that had been living here upon my arrival, he wasn’t coming.

Although he’d sensed something was wrong, he hadn’t predicted my disappearance.

“Is everything okay between you two?” Deacon had asked when I’d come to tell him about the Institute.

“Don’t pretend you weren’t eavesdropping.”

He’d given me a mischievous smile.

“I only heard the end. Anyway, status report.”

“I’m allowed back to the Institute whenever I want. They trust me. They even have a room for me. That’s all I got.”

He’d nodded, fiddling with his sunglasses, seeming to want to inquire further but debating on whether I was ready for more questions. His curiosity must have won because he spoke.

“And Shaun?”

I flexed my jaw, pursing my lips and shaking my head. Deacon was silent for a couple of seconds.

“Are you alright, Charmer?”

His question caught me off guard and I nodded robotically.

“Yeah, yes, I’m fine. I’m overwhelmed, but I’m fine.”

“You always say that,” he said, and though his eyes were covered by the sunglasses, I knew he was giving me a look.

“Jesus, did MacCready tell you to say that?”

He chuckled.

“No, I just know you.”

Hearing Deacon say that, seeing his smile, made it harder to leave. But I’d needed to be free. Free of the Railroad, free of dragging people into danger, free of being disappointed by myself and MacCready. Free of Shaun.

But now I was almost out of food. My supply would probably only last for another week.

What would I do then?

Die, undoubtedly.

What was the point of going on though? My lost baby had turned out to not be a baby anymore. The little boy I’d torn apart the Commonwealth for was an old man, already grown, already molded and shaped into the person he was. There was nothing left for me to do for him.

He hadn’t even cared that they’d killed Nate.

_It seems what happened to him was an unfortunate bit of collateral damage._

A tear escaped my left eye and I let it glide slowly down my cheek, my bottom lip trembling. Most days went like this. I’d never cried so much in my life since waking up in this wretched time. I’d made it six months in hell.

I didn’t think I could take anymore.

It was time to weigh the pros and the cons of living in this world.

Cons first:  
1.Feral Ghouls  
2.Nate was dead  
3.My son was sixty  
4.He was the leader of a shady, underground organization that didn’t seem to mind enslaving beings with thoughts, feelings, and aspirations  
5.Death Claws  
6.Inability to keep myself truly clean outside of the institute  
7.Raiders  
8.Every other goddamned thing in the Wasteland that wanted to kill anything that moved  
9.The Brotherhood of Steel looming over the Railroad’s shoulders  
10.Radiation

The Pros?:  
1.Dogmeat  
2.Nick  
3.Piper  
4.Deacon  
5.Dez  
6.Tinker Tom  
7.The Railroad in general  
8.Sanctuary and it’s inhabitants  
9.No pressure to keep the house clean  
10.MacCready

At the thought of MacCready, my surprising closest companion, a sob broke from my chest and I covered my face, curling into a tighter ball. He must hate me for leaving. I’d felt so hurt when he’d disappear, and now here I was, MIA for a month.

If I died I wouldn’t have to see his face if we were ever reunited. I wouldn’t have to see the betrayal on his handsome face, see the hurt in his light, blue eyes. But the idea of seeing those eyes that I’d grown to trust sent me into an even deeper pit of despair.

I missed him. I missed all of them. I missed Piper looking at me like I was an idiot, I missed Deacon’s jokes, Dogmeats soft fur, the Railroad that had become my proxy family and Nick, my gruff father figure. I missed Mac rolling his eyes, his rare laughs and smiles.

Eventually, I fell asleep, a bundle on the kitchen counter. I awoke some time later, my tears dry on my face, and shivering. The sun was only just beginning to set, but the chill was starting to set in. It was freezing here at night, but I’d picked up a sleeping bag on my way here so that I wouldn’t die from the cold.

I sat up, my back protesting, aching from the angle I’d been sleeping at.

There was a creaking on the stairs and I gasped, dropping off of the counter, aiming the pistol I kept on the decrepit kitchen table. I wasn’t crying anymore, but there was a constant wave of sadness going through me at all times, only now fear mingled with the anguish. Dogmeat growled, prowling forward. I grit my teeth, preparing for whoever was coming.

As if he was guided by my thoughts from earlier, Mac appeared at the top of the stairs, looking around frantically. His head turned to the right and he spotted me, dropping the gun he had been clutching. Dogmeat barked excitedly, wagging his tail. MacCready was too stunned to pay any attention to him.

“Vi,” he breathed, rushing into the kitchen only to freeze a few feet away from me.

“Mac,” I said, my eyes wide. “How did you find me?”

“I didn’t. Nick did. Deacon came with me to find you. He’s outside.”

“Oh…” I didn’t know what else to say.

All I wanted to do was run forward, throw my arms around him, and thank the universe for giving him to me. But I didn’t. I remained standing in front of the counter, gun held at my side, the waves rolling onto the shore in my peripheral.

“What are you doing here?” he finally asked, breaking the silence.

“I wanted- I couldn’t- It was too much.”

“What was, Violet?” He began to raise his voice, walking forward slightly, his brow furrowing. “You came back from the Institute distraught and you didn’t tell any of us what happened there and then you disappeared! Why?”

I flinched, closing my eyes.

“Mac, I’m sorry, but it’s too  _much_ to talk about. I can’t…”

Now he closed the gap between us, grabbing onto my biceps. At first I thought he was so angry that he was about to shake me to death, his grip on my arms firm. But when I looked up he was… desperate, even a little zealous.

“You can tell _me_.” He brushed my hair out of my eye, his stare searing. “You’re a wreck, Vi. You’re thinner, and you’re so pale. You look sick. You need to come back to Sanctuary-”

“I can’t!” I said, latching onto the front of his coat. “I can’t! What happened at the Institute… no one can know! No one will understand.”

“Tell me what happened, I won’t tell anyone. I’m looking out for you, not them.”

My heart pounded in my chest, thundered in my ears. It was like my entire body was a beating heart, about to explode. I hung my head, my hair falling over my shoulders in thick, red ropes. I grit my teeth, clenching my eyes shut.

“Shaun… it was Shaun…”

“So he was there? Was he okay?”

I shook my head, tears leaking down my cheeks and my breathing hitched. It was impossible to speak now, I was crying too hard to form the words. If I hadn’t been holding onto Mac I might have collapsed. “Violet, is Shaun okay?”

I nodded, keeping my face aimed at the ground. I didn’t want him to see me this way. I was sure my cryptic behavior was driving him insane.

“He… he’s older than I thought.”

I hiccuped and Mac gently held my chin, tilting my head up. The mask he wore was pained, stoney.

“How old was he?”

“He was in his sixties. He was taken so much earlier than I’d thought. He was older than _me_ , Mac. I was too late.”

I pried myself from his grasp, walking towards the living room, where an entire wall was missing that overlooked the street I used to walk to go to the grocery store, or the park, or to the cinema with Nate.

“Oh, my god, Violet… I’m so sorry.”

“That’s not even the worst part,” I said, tucking my hair behind my ear.

_“It's not?”_

I shook my head, my bottom lip wobbling. I sobbed, covering my mouth and hunching my shoulders. I wished I could fold in on myself until I disappeared all together. My bones were breaking under the weight of what I’d discovered at the Institute.

“He’s their leader. My son, my BABY, runs the Institute. He’s the boogeyman of the Commonwealth.” I whirled around, my eyes raking over the look of utter shock and disbelief on his face. “He’s the leader of the organization that stole him from me! That killed his father! Do you know what he said to me when I brought up Nate’s murder?”

He didn’t need to answer.

“He called it an “Unfortunate bit of collateral damage”. He treated it as if it were a necessary evil.”

Uncomfortable silence slithered into the room, nestled itself between us as he absorbed my words. Deacon could undoubtedly hear everything I’d said. Desdemona was going to have to find out sooner or later. Because no matter what, I truly did believe in the  
Railroad’s cause. Even if that made my own child the enemy.

“What am I supposed to do, Mac?” I whispered, making glassy eye contact with him. “He’s lost. He doesn’t need a mother… that was the only thing that kept me going; knowing that my little boy was out there, waiting for me. But I was wrong. So what do I do now?”

His voice was gentle when he finally spoke.

“You keep fighting. If you still want to, you keep helping the Railroad. If you don’t want to do that, I’m sure Nick would be over the moon if you asked to become his partner. And if you don’t want to do that? Well… you could stay with me. We could take on jobs together.”

He crossed the room, the wooden planks creaking under his feet. When he was only a foot away from me he stopped, his blue eyes soft but his lips set in a hard line. “I know you’re hurting, I know you feel like you failed. But don’t give up. Come back with me and Deacon to Sanctuary. Don’t leave me.”

I threw myself forward, burying my face in the front of his coat, snaking my arms around him and latching tightly onto the leather. Without any hesitation, he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly against him. It felt so wonderful to be embraced. Yes, Deacon and Piper had hugged me when I’d first returned to Sanctuary, but there something different about this. It was a familiar feeling that I didn’t dare try and decipher.

“I’m scared, Mac,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut. “I don’t know what to do. How do you prepare for something like this?”

I pulled away, staring earnestly into his eyes. My face was hot. Was it because I’d been crying for so long? Or was I blushing? Why would I be blushing? Mac’s face was sort of red as well. Was HE blushing too? He responded to my question as we released each  
other.

“I don’t know, Vi. I’m so sorry. But I’m here and I’ll help you in anyway I can.”

I couldn’t help but smile and reflect on how he’d been when we’d first started travelling together. So obstinate when it came to keeping things professional and impersonal. And now here we were. Yes, sometimes he’d still shut down and close me off, but I would as well.

We were both broken, him in ways that I was yet to discover, but maybe one day he would tell me. That alone was something to live for. To finish the puzzle that was Robert Joseph MacCready.

“You promise?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

His jaw flexed and his eyes were steely, unyielding.

“I promise.”

And just like that, I’d been talked down off the ledge.

“Let’s go home.”

He smiled but it was clear he was hiding something beneath it. Some unspoken thought or feeling. The gateway was closed now, as quickly as it had opened. It was a good thing I cried so much, otherwise I’d never see this side of him.

I picked up my backpack, putting my hairbrush inside and retrieving my holster. I’d left Sanctuary while I’d been wearing my dress, something I had regretted about half way through the first day of my travels. It wasn’t much dirtier, it was too cold for me to have sweat in it too much. I left behind the blanket I’d scavenged upon my arrival here, knowing I wouldn’t need it anymore.

Deacon was leaning on a mailbox across from the entrance to my building, and upon seeing me, he straightened as if he were seeing a ghost. Dogmeat barked at him, making him jump.

“Hey, Deacon,” I said lamely.

“Hey, Charmer,” he said, and by the grace of god he grinned at me, walking forward and hugging me.

Relief flooded through me, and I returned his hug, eternally grateful for his forgiveness. Of course, knowing Deacon, he might secretly hate me and I wouldn’t have the faintest clue because he was, well, Deacon. “Look, I know you and Mac want to go back to Sanctuary, but Dez is going nuts-o. I think you should go to Railroad HQ ASAP.”

I almost immediately rejected the suggestion, still terrified of what Dez would say when she found out about Shaun. But there was no point running. I knew what I believed, and it wasn’t going to help any synths if I kept the Railroad in the dark.

I had to do this, for the greater good.

I had to betray my only living family member, my son, my child, for the greater good.

“Okay,” I said, nodding, swallowing my nerves. I peered up at Mac. “Is that alright with you?”

“You point, I shoot.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Sure, sure.”

******

“A month, Charmer. You were gone for a month.”

Dez stood on the other side of the large, circular table, her eyes managing to slap me regardless of the distance between us. I nodded, running my hands through my tangled hair.

“You’re not wrong,” I muttered, knowing there wasn’t much I could say to make things better.

“I understand that going to the Institute must have been emotionally… taxing, but that doesn’t excuse your absence. People’s lives are depending on you. Synths are living in shackles and you’re the key-”

“I know, Dez, I know. I’m sorry. There’s no excuse, I know.”

‘Why’d you do it then? You abandoned Sanctuary, you abandoned the Railroad, you abandoned the cause. Why?” she said, her brown eyes boring into mine.

I sighed.

It was now or never.

“Because of what I discovered there,” I said, exchanging brief eye contact with Mac. “I found Shaun. And he… he was the director of the Institute.”

Just saying it out loud again made my stomach roll, and I gripped the brick of the table, clenching my jaw. I would not cry. I’d cried enough for a lifetime.

What I’d said actually seemed to stun Dez, so much so that she appeared to be speechless. Her black lined eyes were wide, and her mouth hung open. She couldn’t even put on a poker face.

Finally, she said, “How? He’s just a child, isn’t he?”

“Another wonderful discovery. It turns out he was taken from the vault sixty years ago, not ten. He’s an adult, an old man. He’s older than me.”

I didn’t dare make eye contact with Deacon, or MacCready, knowing it would make me feel even more abysmal than I already was. I held steady eye contact with the brunette across from me, who was still trying to wrap her mind around what I’d said.

“Oh, my god,” she breathed, putting a hand to her forehead. “I’ll admit, that was the last thing I expected to hear.”

“Join the club.”

I half sat on the edge of the table, careful not to disturb the maps and papers, folding my arms. There was an awkward silence that lasted a few seconds.

“Charmer, I understand-”

“I still want to do it. He may be my son but that doesn’t mean he isn’t corrupt.”

“I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t relieved to hear you say that. But I must warn you, this isn’t going to be easy. You may have to pave the way for us to completely eradicate the Institute. Can you do that?”

“I’ve had a month to think things over. I spent most of that time tailspinning and denying that I’d ever even gotten to the Institute. But in the end I was just dancing around what I knew I was going to have to do. I am committed to freeing the synths and stopping the Institute. No matter the price.” I hung my head, releasing a wary huff of air. “Of course, I can’t promise that’s how I’ll feel in a month from now, or even in a couple of weeks.”

“I’ll take what I can get,” Dez said, “We’ve never been this close before. Did you speak with Patriot while you were there?”

“No. The opportunity didn’t present itself; I was rarely alone. Also, I hadn’t made the decision to run away until I was in Sanctuary, so I figured I’d have the chance to talk to them in a day or two. Sorry, again.”

“I can let it slide, seeing as the circumstances were… unorthodox, not to mention downright depressing. But I need you to keep it together this time. Like I’ve said before, the synths are counting on you to free them.”

“I know.”

Dez sighed, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. She took a deep drag, closing her eyes. I’d never been a smoker, but looking at the way it seemed to melt away her stress, I began to consider it for the first time.

“Alright. You’ll need to go back to the Institute as soon as possible. Shaun will likely be suspicious, or at least confused by your disappearance. You’ll probably have to work hard to repair his trust.”

“I know,” I repeated, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Deacon asked, speaking for the first time since we’d greeted Dez. I stared into the dark, reflective lenses of his sunglasses, seeing myself in them. I looked so tired.

“Yes. I’m fine.”

Mac rolled his eyes, but didn’t comment. I made eye contact with Dez. “I’ll go back tonight.”

“Perfect.”

With that, Mac and I left HQ, heading in the direction of Diamond City. I didn’t want to use the relay in Sanctuary, and I especially didn’t want to use it anywhere near the Railroad. Diamond City was nice and innocuous.

When we were almost there, MacCready exhaled loudly.

“How long are you gonna be gone for?” he asked, painfully indifferent.

“Only a couple days, I hope,” I said, tugging absently on the straps of my backpack. “It all depends on how suspicious Shaun is of me. You'll take Dogmeat back to Sanctuary for me?”

"Of course."

We were silent for about five minutes.

“Violet?” he said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m… I’m sorry about your son.”

I swallowed, clenching my jaw.

“Yeah. Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm not sure when I'm gonna be updating next because I'm moving this weekend and also I've been pretty depressed about my writing recently and so I think I need to take a break to... get better at it? I don't know. I'm sure this will pass in a few days but right now I don't really feel confident enough to keep posting weekly. I'm not going away forever! It'll probably just be two weeks again. ANyway, I hope this chapter is okay, I had to rush to edit it so there are probably a bunch of mistakes. Thanks for all the support so far, it really has meant a lot to me! I love you guys!


	20. I'm the darkest hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to edit this later so I hope it's readable.

There had been very few moments in my life where I truly felt as if I'd betrayed someone. The first was when I was fifteen and I got caught trying to steal a bra (something I'd only done due to extreme peer pressure), the second lying to MacCready, third leaving everyone for a month, and finally, returning to the Institute under the orders of the Railroad.

Shaun’s eyes were wide, stunned and undeniably wounded, an expression I’d rarely seen on his father's face.

“I must admit,” Shaun said, “I didn’t think you were ever going to come back.”

“I'm so sorry, Shaun. I know nothing I can say will make it better, but you have to know that I'm sorry.”

He was colder when he spoke next.

“Why did you go then? And for so long? You made it clear that you would only be gone for a few days.”

I bit my lip, tucking my hair behind my ear. Shaun was sitting in front of his terminal in his bedroom, bright yellow flowers displayed in a vase on a shelf above his desk. They were more beautiful than anything the Commonwealth had to offer.

“I panicked- no, I broke down. Shaun… when I lost you and your father, I thought I wouldn't ever be happy again until I found you and got to hold you in my arms again- and raise you. Discovering that you weren't a little boy… that you were a grown man who didn't need me anymore? That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. And I didn't handle it well. Not to mention that you're running an organization that most people in the Commonwealth are terrified of. So, I'm sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't forgive myself for abandoning you immediately after finally finding you. But if you decide you still want me to stay, I’ll do everything I can to make this up to you. I love you.”

His eyes widened and then he looked away, his jaw flexing. Then, as if he'd flipped a switch, he became the scientist he was, unfeeling and clinical.

“There's no need for you to torture yourself. Your invitation to stay in the institute still stands, though it may take the people here a little while to trust you. But I believe that in time it will become clear that your presence here is beneficial to our cause,” he said, swiveling in his chair so that he was facing me. He gave me an artificial smile and I returned it.

“I hope so. Is there anything I can do to start that process?”

“Well, it would probably be a good idea for them to meet you. Right now all they know about you is what was recorded by vault-tec, what I've told them, and rumors from the surface. Putting a face to the name will create a feeling of comfort, don't you think?”

“That's a wonderful idea,” I said, still smiling as fakely as he was. I prayed that things wouldn't be this tense forever. “I'll go now.”

“You’ll probably want to-”

I laughed, cutting him off.

“I'll get cleaned up first.”

The skin beside his eyes crinkled, his grin becoming genuine. I turned, exiting his room. Unfortunately, since I'd only been in the Institute one time, finding my room was not an easy task. It took me about ten minutes to finally locate it, and I only did because there were only so many bedrooms to sort through.

After showering, putting my dress down a laundry shoot, and redressing into a lab coat with black sleeves that I found in my chest of drawers, I headed out and introduced myself to the people in charge of each area of the Institute. This might have been more bearable if I didn't believe their organization was fundamentally wrong.

Once that was over with, I went back to my room, going to sleep for the night. In the morning, there was a knock on the door that drew me from my heavy sleep.

I stumbled out of the bed, hitting the button and the door slid open, revealing a Courser on the other side. My stomach went hollow and I was snapped out of my groggy stupor.

“Ah, yes, hello,” I said, hoping he couldn't sense my distress.

“Designation X6-88. Father has requested I take you on my next retrieval. If you wish to join me-”

“Wait, wait, wait, Shaun sent you? Why didn't he-”

“He is in a directorate meeting.”

“Oh. Okay.” I couldn't help but feel as if he was purposely avoiding me. Such paranoia came with consistently fucking up and dodging issues that should have just been faced. “So what was the mission?”

“We have located a synth residing at a raider camp named Libertalia. Our mission would be to go there and retrieve the synth, bringing them undamaged back to the Institute.”

This news did not ease my discomfort. Yes, it was good that Shaun was making an effort to trust me and give me opportunities to prove myself, but dragging a synth back to the Institute was the last thing I wanted to participate in.

There was no room to quarrel or bow out, though. This was my chance to get on the Institute’s good side and I’d be a fool to pass it up. There were always casualties in war and wasn’t that what this really was? I was a spy for a band of rebels fighting against a tyrannical organization that was far superior in numbers. And my son was the general of the enemy army.

“Alright. When do we leave?” I asked, hoping he assumed my reluctance came from my exhaustion, not from lack of loyalty.

“As soon as possible, ma’am. This will not be an easy task. If you need some time to prepare-”

I rubbed my face.

“Just let me shower. Also, I have a few people I could bring for backup.”

This was a good chance to bring Piper, Dogmeat, and MacCready. Deacon was out of the question, but maybe I’d ask Nick to come if the whole event didn’t make him too uncomfortable. After my month gone I realized that I needed these people, and even if they didn’t need me, I knew they at least wanted me. They were my family and it was time I stopped shutting them out.

Of course, bringing them on an Institute mission might have been pushing it a little.

“We will not need assistance, I am a Courser,” X6 said matter-of-factly.

“I know, but I’m not. I’d rather not die on my first mission for the Institute.”

“Very well. I will wait for you at the Nahant Wharf.”

*******

“You piece of shit!” Piper cried upon seeing me walking towards her home. She stormed past Nat, who was standing on her soapbox, her announcement cut off by her shock. I grimaced, bracing for impact as Piper neared me. “A month, Blue? _A month_!? What is wrong with you!? You get back from the Institute after being all mysterious and then you vanish for a month!?”

“Maybe don't yell that-”

“I don’t know why I even put up with you, honestly. We’re friends, Blue! Things were so good when we were at the drive in and then as soon as we’re done there, you go AWOL! Why?”

“It’s a long story- well, not long, just bad-”

“I’m all ears!”

I looked around, sighing.

“I’ll explain everything, but can we find Nick first?”

Piper folded her arms, her dark green eyes narrowed.

“He’s probably in his office.”

I started walking and she followed me, huffing. “Why can’t you just tell me now? I’ve waited long enough, don’t you think?”

I swallowed, staring ahead as we wound through Diamond City. We entered the alley that was lit up by Nick’s red, neon sign.

“It’s a story I don’t want to have to tell twice.”

Piper’s social skills were good enough for her to take the hint. She was silent as we walked under the stoop of Nick’s office building. I knocked on the door, a pit in my stomach. As bad as Piper’s wrath was, Nick’s paternal disappoint was a whole other form of punishment.

Ellie answered the door, her eye brows shooting up.

“Violet! And Piper! I didn’t-”

“Violet!?” Nick’s voice carried through the open door and Ellie stepped back so that we could file in. Nick was standing up behind his desk, his face as rigid as always, his surprise apparent despite the fact. “Kid!”

“Hi, Nick. Long time no see.”

“And who’s fault is that?” he said, hurrying around his desk to stand in front of me. “Jesus, Kid, do you know how hard it was to track you down?”

“I’m sorry, Nick.”

“Why the hell did you run all the way to the other side of the Commonwealth?”

“That’s what she’s gonna tell us,” Piper said, eyeing me.

I sighed, plopping into the chair on the other side of Nick’s desk. The two of them watched me expectantly, both with their arms folded. It was like being a teenager all over again.

I hung my head, pushing my hair away from my eyes.

“I found Shaun. But he’d been taken from my vault sixty years ago. He’s a grown man, and he runs the Institute.” I stared up at their dumbfounded faces. “That’s why I left. Because since I still believe in the Railroad’s cause, I’m going to have to betray my son. My son who I didn’t get to raise, and who holds no grief when it comes to the murder of his father at the hands of the very organization he now runs. And I wasn’t ready to accept that.”

Nick sluggishly moved back behind his desk, sitting in his chair, resting his forehead on his metal hand. Piper leaned on the wall across from me, wide-eyed.

“Blue…” Piper began, face pale. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea- MacCready… he told me it was bad, but I wouldn’t have ever guessed… I’m sorry.”

“I get why you wanted to disappear.”

“It doesn’t excuse what I did though,” I said, echoing my words from earlier. “It was selfish-”

Piper moved forward, putting a hand on my shoulder, my words getting caught in my throat as I met her sympathetic gaze.

“Everyone’s gotta be selfish sometimes, Blue.”

She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me forward in the chair as she hugged me. “Next time, just try and be selfish without disappearing, okay?”

I laughed, the sound coming out choked as I held back tears.

“Kid, I’m-”

“It’s okay, Nick. And again, I’m sorry.”

“So what are you doing in Diamond City?” Piper asked.

“Uh, well, the thing is, since I pulled my little disappearing act, most members of the Institute think I might be bad news, so now I have to be on extra good behavior. In fact, I’m going to have to be their lackey.”

Piper groaned, back away and falling into the wall while Nick lit a cigarette.

“Unsurprising,” he muttered, sucking down the smoke. “So what gory task have they got lined up for you?”

“I have drag a synth back to the Institute,” I said, hunching over, my elbows on my thighs. “Seems pretty counterproductive to the Railroad’s cause, but if it’s going to make the Institute trust me… I don’t really have another option. At least they’re a raider.”

We were all silent. Nick blew smoke, reclining in his seat, his yellow eyes glowing under the shadow of his hat. Piper stared at the ground, thoughtful.

“Where do we need to go then?” Nick asked, meeting my surprised stare.

“Oh- Uh, we need to meet an Institute Courser at Nahant Wharf. Are you okay with that?”

“The Institute dumped me remember? No one’s gonna try and bring me back.”

I met Piper’s green eyed stare.

“You in?”

“Are you kidding? If this helps us take down the Institute I’m all over it.”

“Perfect. I just need to talk to Mac- is he at the Dugout Inn?” I asked, getting to my feet, grinning.

Piper shrugged.

“When he left my place this morning he said there was something he needed to do, but he didn’t say what.”

For some inane reason a pit formed in my stomach and I did my best not to show my unease on my face.

“Left your place?”

“Yeah, he swung by to let me know he was going so I could pass the message onto you if I saw you first,” she said, nonchalant.

Now I was embarrassed.

“Right. Okay.”

Piper smirked, raising one of her black eyebrows as she spoke, “You looked pretty upset there for a second, Blue. What were you worried about?”

“Nothing.” She smiled a little wider, the expression becoming even more catlike. I gave her a pointed look. “Nothing. Let’s get going.”

******

After collecting Dogmeat, who had been sleeping in Piper’s house, we made our way to the wharf. It took us about half the day, and when we arrived X6 was standing in front of a pile of raider corpses, death personified with his sunglasses and black leather Courser coat.

“I've already neutralized the perimeter guard. When you're ready, we can move on the main flotilla,” he said, expressionless.

“Hello to you too,” I muttered. “Lead the way.”

It didn’t take us long to get to the unconventional floating raider camp. We were quite the team, the five of us, taking out raiders efficiently and quickly navigating the decrepit boats and the rickety paths between them. When we reached a giant trash heap in front of the main ship, X6 went ahead, having spotted a raider with a fatman, knowing if anyone was going to survive a nuke blast it would be him. Thankfully he landed a well aimed shot and the body of the raider tumbled over the edge of the ship, disappearing into the water below with a splash.

The ship was more densely populated than the rest of Libertalia and stealth was impossible at this point. We decided to split up, Piper and Nick taking one direction and X6, Dogmeat and I scouring the opposite one. They were reluctant to leave me but I needed X6 to believe I trusted him if he was going to trust me.

From there it was a lot of close quarter gun fights, a lot of me shooting madly at a raider while they flew at me with a melee weapon of some kind. As we reached the top of the ship we were reunited with Piper and Nick who had succeeded at clearing out the other half of the boat.

“B5-92 should be out on the deck. He might not be alone up there. Violence might be inevitable.”

“How do I… shut him down?”

“You need to say ‘B5-92 initialize factory reset,’ followed by the authorization code ‘gamma-7-1-epsilon.’ Once he’s shut down I can transport him safely back to the Institute. That’s all ma’am. Ready when you are.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” I said, forgetting to hide my contempt for what we were doing.

Hopefully X6 assumed I was simply nervous. We climbed up a ladder, Dogmeat waiting in the room below, and I came through the hatch to the main deck first. Before I could register my surroundings, something slammed into the top of my head. The world went black on contact, a strange numbed pain surging through my skull and when I opened my eyes, I was lying on the ground.

A hand wrapped around the back of my jacket, wrenching me onto my knees. My vision swung wildly and I clenched my eyes shut, attempting to focus past the throbbing at the back of my head. Kneeling to my left was Piper, a hand over her mouth, a raider pressing a gun into her neck. On my right was X6 and Nick, both in similar positions. They’d been far too prepared for us.

“Well done, very impressive. Just like me you’ve made it to the top,” who I assumed was B5-92 said, standing on the opposite end of the deck from us, a smug smile on his painted face. “So tell me, is the Institute so desperate for resources that it’s still plunder from honest, hard working Commonwealth gangs?”

Now was probably the right time to say the recall code but I was struggling to remember it after the blow to the head. I squinted at the synth, thinking, my mouth agape. I glanced to my right, seeing that X6’s mouth was also covered and he was being restrained by three different raiders.

It really was up to me.

“I can see they sent the best and brightest out here to take care of us,” B5 said.

“This is admittedly embarrassing,” I muttered, desperately trying to remember what X6 had said to me mere moments ago. “Uh… Oh! B5-92 initialize factory reset!”

Immediately he slumped over where he stood, all bravado erased in a split second. “Um, gamma-7-1… epsilon!”

“What the fuck!?” the raider behind me yelled, throwing me to the ground in front of him.

That was when all hell broke loose. Piper bit the raider who had been restraining her and he released her, only to aim the gun right at her head about to pull the trigger. Nick and X6 began to fight with their raiders, while the two men who had been standing on the other end of the deck with B5 went over to check on the synth.

Instinctively I aimed my gun at the raider about to execute piper, nicking him in the jaw, blood spraying over the raider who had been holding onto me. Piper finished him off, popping two bullets into his chest. While I was distracted, the raider in front of me swung his bat forward, the tip of the bat hitting my cheekbone.

Pain radiated through my face and I was flung to the side, rolling into Piper. Thankfully I hadn’t received the full force of the hit, but it was enough to discombobulate me. Gun shots cracked all around me, accompanied by a cacophony of guttural war cries, a hellish symphony.

Piper grabbed me, rolling me onto my back and I cracked my eyes open, tears dripping free.

“Blue! Jesus, are you okay!?” she cried.

“I-I’m fine. He missed… a little.”

“Are you sure?”

“Now isn’t the time, Piper!”

She helped me to my feet, only for us to have to duck and skitter behind some boxes. I leaned over our cover, firing a few times at one of the raiders attacked Nick. Once they were down, there was only two left and X6 promptly put down one of them. The last raider seemed to realize he was the only one left, his eyes widening before all four of us put a bullet in him.

“This is X6-88,” X6 began, needing no time to process the events that had just transpired, “ready to relay with reclaimed synth B5-92.”

There was a flash of light and the two of them disappeared, leaving Piper, Nick and I standing alone on the deck of the ship.

“Could have at least offered us a lift out of here,” Nick muttered, tucking his gun away.

“Ah, yes, because you want to get back into the Institute.”

“I’m sure that teleporter thing can make other stops,” Piper said.

“Where to now?” Nick asked.

I sighed, biting my lip, my cheek flaring with excruciating pain.

“I should talk to Dez, let her know what happened, and then I probably have to go back to the Institute.”

“You just got back,” Piper said, “How long are you gonna be stuck there for?”

“I don’t know. That’s up to Dez. Or Shaun.”

Both of them looked at me with unabashed concern. It was like Nick’s glowing yellow eyes were a hot spotlight. Guilt twinged in  my chest. I hated having to leave them behind again, but I’d ignored my mission with the Railroad for a month, there was no flaking now. “I won’t be too long. I hope.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry I was gone for so long and I'm sorry I couldn't come back with a less fillery chapter! I'm also sorry Mac wasn't in this chapter. What I'm saying is I'm sorry for a lot of things. I've been busy and as I said last chapter, in a bit of a funk. I was in a musical but tonight's the last night so I should be able to go back to regular updates. I might even be able to update this Wednesday. If I can't though, then it'll for sure be next Wednesday. Anyway, I really do love you guys and I'm so grateful for all the support and kind words. Thank you to everyone who's stuck around during my hiatus. Next chapter should sort of be a reward... it's hard to explain. You'll see.


	21. Just before the dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of talking to Patriot in the beginning/middlish area. You can skip if you want. I won't be offended.

_Stay in the Institute as long as you need to. Regaining their trust is crucial, Charmer. It’s all that matters._

That’s what Dez had told me before I’d left Railroad HQ. It had been two weeks since then. I’d anticipated my time here to be torturous. That I’d always be wracked with guilt and disgust, or never feel comfortable.

But it wasn’t that way at all.

Shaun had been so pleased with my performance at Libertalia that I think he’d considered hugging me. He hadn’t, but it sure did seem like he’d thought about it. As a reward he’d given me a terminal, having asked me what I’d liked to do before the war, which was write. When I expressed an interest in drawing and painting, he’d given me an easel and a multitude of art supplies. At some point I mentioned missing my prewar clothes and the next day five new dresses were delivered to my bedroom, along with a few blouses, skirts, skirts and pants. Yesterday when I’d asked why there were no baths in the Institute he’d offered to have one installed in my bedroom.

I knew what he was doing. He was buttering me up. How could I believe the Institute was evil if they treated me this well?

I sat at the vanity in my bedroom, slipping a sparkling, flower shaped barrette into my silken red hair. I laid my calloused hands in my lap, gazing at the mirror.

There she was. There was the soft housewife that had been buried by the harshness of the Commonwealth for six months now. Her pretty face was marred now by two scars and a healing bruise on her cheek, there was more of an edge to her green eyes, and her skin was a little tanner than before, but overall she was the same.

At least externally.

I got to my feet, my high heels clicking on the linoleum floor of every sterile Institute room. Before showering for the day I’d finally done what I’d been sent here to do.

I’d contacted Patriot.

As I walked down the spiralling ramp to the first floor, I passed synths, I passed the children I’d come to know, the friendlier scientists who hadn’t been as wary of me. We greeted each other by name, exchanged pleasantries.  
None of them knew I was taking the first step towards betraying everything they knew and held dear.

Upon finding the maintenance closet Patriot had told me to meet him in, I glanced around before opening the door. Standing inside the small room was Liam Binet, the son of the head of Robotic department, Alan Binet. My eyebrows shut up and I hurried inside, the door sliding shut behind me.

He seemed just as surprised as I was, his eyes bulging and his mouth hanging open. I’d thought it would be obvious it was me, seeing as I was the newest arrival to the Institute. Of course, people were allowed to come and go as they pleased, and there were Coursers who might have secretly been on the side of the Railroad.

“You’re the one who sent the encrypted message?” he said. “How did you even do that? I wasn’t sure anyone on the surface would have a chance to crack Trinity. You know, the encryption algorithm.”

“A friend named Tinker Tom cracked you encryption.”

“He must’ve had some serious hardware to pull that off. Wow. Your message was only one word: Friend. What did you mean by that?”

“Well, the Railroad sent me to look for someone called Patriot. And that’s you.”

“What? The Railroad? As in  _the_ Railroad? And they gave me a code name too?” I smiled, nodding. “I kept sending synths to the surface    hoping someone would help them. I hoped the Railroad got to some of them, but I never knew for certain.”

It was such a relief to finally find someone in the Institute who didn’t appear to see synths as purely tools.

“You saved a lot of synths,” I said.

“There’s so much to take in. You’re the mother of… well, Father. And you’re a member of the Railroad…” He thought for a moment, his brows knitting together. “With you in the picture, I have this idea. To rescue a lot of synths at once. We’ll need help… where’s he working right now? Right! The West Atrium.”

I raised an eyebrow, confused.

“What are we talking about here?”

He was already heading out of the closet.

“Just follow me. Probably best to talk about something else for now.”

I hurried after him, struggling to keep up in my heels. Wearing them had been a comfort, a return to normalcy after six months of being in the Wasteland, but now they were getting on my nerves. Liam began to prattle on about something innocuous. “My father thinks it’s a living hell on the surface. But that can’t be right. Heck, you look positively normal to me. Except for the scar, of course,” he said, gesturing from his eyebrow to his cheekbone. A moment later he blushed. “Uh, no offense.”

I chuckled, shaking my head and waving my hands dismissively.

“It’s fine.”

His chagrin didn’t seem to lessen. He cleared his throat.

“My father’s never even been to the surface. And neither have I. Most people who have though have been fine. There was an accident once… I think that’s what’s kept people so scared.”

“What happened?” I asked, hoping it wasn’t a sensitive topic.

“A little girl figured out how to use the relay and left the Institute. When her parents found out, they went after her, but none of them ever came back. They were all killed by the Brotherhood of Steel, apparently- Good, he’s here.”

A synth was tending to the grass alongside the stairs to the central elevator and Liam walked around a planter of trees, sitting on a bench facing away from him.

“Z1-14, it’s me.”

“Sir,” he said in a measured voice, continuing to work. “Do you require something?”

“It’s okay, Z1, she’s a friend. She’s with the Railroad.”

Z1 raised an eyebrow. Everyone knew who I was at this point. Father’s mother. The woman who had supplied them with their Director. And as far as they knew, a loyal newcomer to the Institute. Hell, two weeks ago I’d even helped haul a rogue synth back here.

“Meeting here is dangerous. And you bring the Director’s mother.” He side glanced at me. “You. How do I know I can trust  _you_ of all people.”

His words might have stung if he hadn’t been making a good point.

“Because every member of the Railroad has dedicated their lives to fight for your freedom. Including me,” I murmured, keeping my voice low, though my passion seeped into my words regardless of the volume.

“I thought only Mr. Binet cared. But your friends actually fight for us?”

“That’s what the Railroad does.”

“I’ve never met another human willing to help… But, ma’am, we must make this quick.”

“How many synths want to escape, Z1?” Liam asked.

“The ones I know for certain? Thirteen.”

_Jesus Christ._

“That’ll take forever. Let’s free those thirteen all in one go.”

The two of them didn’t seem to need my input on the matter as they began to formulate a plan right there in the middle of the Institute. Once they had the basics thought out Z1 suggested we meet again somewhere more secure to figure the rest out. I sat down beside Liam, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

“Just a few high security doors, right?” he said, nerves evident in his voice. “You’re willing to help, right? I can’t do this alone.”

I gazed out across the glass floor of the hub, the tranquil sound of rushing water filling the silence.

“Of course, Liam. It’s why I’m here.”

******

“I’m just going to see some friends,” I’d told Shaun as I’d prepared to leave the Institute. “I’ll only be gone a few days.”

Shaun had raised an eyebrow, pausing from typing at his terminal. When I’d entered his room he’d given me an unimpressed frown. My outfit had been a huge indicator that I was leaving: beat up jeans, boots, a plaid shirt and a leather jacket. A scavver outfit.  
“I’ve heard that one before, mother.”

I‘d flinched at his words. The tone he’d used had been so reminiscent of the way a father might speak to his daughter that it made my stomach turn.

“I know, I know. But I mean it. I’m cool, calm, and collected now. I’m not going to have another break down. At least, I hope I’m not going to.”

He’d sighed, rubbing his hand over his face.

“I trust you. Be safe. I don’t know what would possess you to go back to that hellscape, though. How close could you possibly be to those vultures on the surface?”

“Goodbye, Shaun,” I’d said, ignoring his jab.

If I didn’t have any obligations on the surface, I would have gone straight to Goodneighbor, where I was certain MacCready had ended up. But I’d wasted enough of the Railroad’s time and it updating them on the Patriot situation was probably a good idea.

Dez was happy to see me and ecstatic -in a very lowkey and Desdemona way- to hear that I’d finally spoken to Patriot. Deacon had been excited to see me as well. I’d asked him if he’d heard anything from Piper or Nick or MacCready recently but he didn’t have anything of note to tell me. I hoped Mac really was in Goodneighbor.

It was about ten o’clock at night when I’d made it to Goodneighbor. I said hi to Daisy, the ghoul who ran the general store, and then made my way deeper towards the Third Rail. I waved to Ham and hurried down the stairs, my heart pounding, my excitement to see MacCready filling me from head to toe. Only seeing him once over the course of a month and a half was not enough.

Of course, I’d never let him know that.

Out of habit I headed towards the VIP Lounge, only to notice an awful, faded green hat and a torn brown duster in my peripheral. I spun around, raising my eyes at the sight before me.

MacCready was slouched over the counter, his hat on the bartop, his hair unkempt. He leaned back, tilting a shot glass between his lips, shaking his head as he slammed the glass on the counter.

“Another, barkeep!” he slurred, sagging forward.

I strode across the room, unable to keep the smug smile off of my face.

“My, my, Mac, how the tables-”

 _“Violet!?”_ he cried, swiveling on his stool and immediately falling flat on his back on the cold, hard floor, bringing his hat tumbling with him.

“Mac!” I knelt beside him, my hands raised above him, fluttering uselessly. “Mac, are you okay?”

Abruptly, he shot up, headbutting me. I fell into his stool, my head ringing. A split second later Mac pulled me up into a kneeling position, only managing to disorient me further, my eyebrow throbbing.

“I’m so s-sorry,” he slurred.

I was cringing and I delicately put a hand over where his skull had made contact with mine. This was not at all how I thought our reunion would go. I don’t know why I was surprised though. Things were never smooth when it came to MacCready and I.

“Are you okay?” I repeated,

“Who cares if he’s bloody okay, just get him out of here,” Whitechapel Charlie snapped.

Carefully, I got to my feet, hauling MacCready with me. He swayed, clutching onto either of my shoulders.

“I don’t… need to go, Vi,” he said, putting a little too much weight on my frame.

I rolled my eyes, grabbing one of his wrists and towing him towards the staircase. He stumbled behind me, complaining but not really putting up a fight. This was far too familiar- except when I’d started to fall off of my barstool Mac had caught me.

He continued to babble all the way up until we made it to the room he had apparently booked when he’d made it here two weeks ago. Once inside, I’d expected him to instantly collapse onto the bed. Instead, he turned to me the moment I’d shut the door, his broad frame blocking me from walking further into the room.

“When did you… get back from the Institute,” he asked, intense, despite the fact that he was clearly far from sobering up.

“Today, why?”

“I haven’t seen you in two weeks, Vi. It feels like… I haven’t seen you at all,” he slurred, placing his hands flat against the door on either side of my head, keeping me where I was. “I… I missed… I thought you were only going to be there a few days?”

“I had to make them trust me. Disappearing for a month didn’t do wonders for my likability.”

Returning to what he’d previously lost the courage to say, he moved a fraction closer, his eyes falling down and then back to mine.

“I missed you.”

My chest seemed to clench at his words. Why was I this happy to be missed? Maybe because he wasn’t vocal about it like Piper, or transparent like Nick. He was a total enigma to me. It seemed MacCready was less emotionally stunted when intoxicated.

“I missed you too.”

A small smile tugged at his lips. He didn’t move away, instead leaned in a little further.

“Uh, what are you doing?” I asked, glancing between his forearms.

He smirked, his face closer to mine than it had ever been before. His skin was flushed from the alcohol, his blue eyes piercing mine in the darkness. Drunk was a good look on him, something I hated to admit to myself. I swallowed, my lips parted in shock as I waited for him to explain himself.

“What do you think?”

I blinked idiotically, my heart pounding.

“Something stupid,” I said, quiet, fervent.

Encouraged by my words, he dipped his head down, almost entirely closing the gap between us. My breathing hitched and my whole body tensed, the wood of the door unyielding. What the hell was happening? MacCready held steady eye contact with me, his gaze flickering between my right eye and my left eye. From behind him, moonlight streamed through the broken blinds of the window, illuminating my bewildered face.

As if I’d slapped him or punched him in the gut, he stumbled back, dropping clumsily onto the bed. He rubbed his hand on his forehead, stricken, clenching and unclenching his jaw.

I exhaled loudly, dropping away from the door, my muscles relaxing.

“Well, that was weird.”

“Your eyes are so much like hers,” MacCready mumbled through his hands, now hunched over on the edge of the bed.

I frowned, trying to behave normally after what had just happened.

“So much like whose?”

Silence hung between us for a couple long seconds. When Mac finally replied, his voice was broken, his words hardly even intelligible between his fingers.

“Lucy’s.”

It wasn’t too hard to connect the dots here. Ever since we’d taken out Winlock and Barnes I’d wondered who the girl they’d taunted MacCready about was.

_Damn Shame. Especially after what happened to your last girl._

Lucy was someone who he’d been involved with romantically, to what extent I wasn’t sure. It was safe to assume she’d meant a great deal to him and had been killed. Why else would Winlock bring it up? Of course, hearing her name just sparked more curiosity within me.

If I asked about her would he tell me? This might be my only chance to have him open up. But he’d only be doing it because he was intoxicated- would I regret taking advantage of him emotionally later?

“Who’s Lucy?” I murmured, back still pressed to the door.

My heart hammered in my chest as he looked up, his blue eyes locking with mine, his mouth twisted down in what could only be described as grief. It was something I’d only really seen on him during our first night together when I’d given him a stimpak against his will.

I hadn’t been this afraid of someone’s reaction in my whole life.

What would I do if he refused to tell me? If he wasn’t ready to open up to me still, even after all this time? I felt as if he’d seen so much of my insides and I’d barely seen any of his.

But why did I need to?

I wasn’t supposed to. It wasn’t meant to matter. We were friends, and we were meant to be content being as close as we were now. Right?

There had only been about ten seconds of silence when MacCready sighed, his eyes dropping to the floor as he spoke.

“She was my wife.”

It was as if someone dropped a ton of bricks on my head. I was caught so off guard that I almost reacted physically, almost staggered forward. I couldn’t stop my eyes from popping wide, my eyebrows shooting up.

“You were married?”

He met my mystified stare, expression bleak, nodding solemnly.

“Yeah. I was. But she…” he cut himself off, hesitating. My whole being was intrigued, baffled too, and all I wanted was to close the gap between us. I wanted to be close to him, wanted to know every detail of what happened to Lucy. I wanted to read the book that was MacCready, drink in every detail. “I shouldn’t tell you.”

“Why?” I said a little too quickly.

“Because you’ve got your own scars. You don’t want to see mine.”

I could feel my heart pounding against my ribs.

“Yes, I do.”

I moved forward, sitting on the bed beside him, hoping my proximity wouldn’t spook him. His cheeks were still rosey, his eyes still bloodshot. Still drunk. Would he remember this in the morning? Would he regret it if he did? “Please…”

He rubbed his face, slouching so his elbows were on his knees, his eyes on the door.

“Lucy and I got married when we were seventeen. About two and a half years ago she was killed by feral ghouls- torn apart right in front of me and... I barely got out alive.” He flexed his jaw, breathing in sharply through his nose. “Sometimes I wish I hadn’t. But I had… I had to get Duncan out of there.”

“Duncan?” I asked gently.

He glanced at me, only his right eye visible from the way he was sitting.

“Lucy and I’s son.”

Unable to control myself, I gasped, covering my mouth. Jesus Christ, how had he never mentioned either of them? “When the feral’s attacked all I could do was grab Duncan and run. He was only two at the time- I don’t think he understood what happened. I hope he didn’t understand.”

I didn’t know what to say. It was as if the man sitting beside me was a complete stranger. Suddenly this lone, ex-gunner was a man with a family, with a dead wife, and a four year old son out there. He had a family he’d lost. One question haunted me to my core: Where was Duncan?

Abruptly he went pale and covered his mouth.

“Mac?” I said, scooting forward and grabbing his arm. “Are you okay?”

He shook his head, and covered his mouth, making a gagging noise. Oh no. I stood up, rushing to the other side of the room where a rusted bucket serving as a trashcan rested in the corner. I snatched it up, hurrying to hand it to MacCready.  
He looked down at my hands, his eyes widening, his complexion increasingly sallow.

“You’re not wearing your wedding ring.”

Before I could respond, he grabbed the bucket out of my hands, and buried his head inside, heaving. I cringed at the sound.

When he was done he dropped the bucket at his feet, flopping onto the bed, groaning. Delicately, I picked up the bucket, making an effort not to look inside and opened the window. Doing my best not to get any of the contents on my fingers, I dumped it out the window.

“That breeze feels nice,” Mac murmured.

I put the bucket down beside the bed, keeping the window open a crack so he could have some fresh air. When I looked at him his arm was cast over his eyes, sweat on his brow. How much had he had to drink?

My curiosity regarding Lucy and Duncan hadn’t faded at all, but I knew trying to get information out of Mac now was pointless. He needed to rest. I tried not to think about the fact that he probably wouldn’t answer any of my questions in the morning when he’d sobered up.

I knelt next to the bed, about to ask how he was feeling when he clumsily started to remove his trenchcoat while he was still lying down. I sighed, helping him sit up and pulling the coat off myself. I folded the coat, placing it on the vanity in the room. Mac was pulling off the army green shirt he wore beneath the trench coat when I turned back to him, his scarf already cast aside, leaving him in only a white t-shirt.

“If you’re hot I can open the window more-”

He pulled off his t-shirt too and as if I were a sixteen year old girl I began to blush, grateful for the terrible lighting in this room. Why the hell was a blushing? I’d seen him shirtless before, this was nothing new. It wasn’t a sight often seen, but it wasn’t new.

He began to unbuckle his belt.

“Wait- no, no,” I said, rushing over and catching his hands reflexively. He met my embarrassed stare, raising an eyebrow, his brown hair so mussed that it almost hung over his eyes. “Just wait until I leave to do that, alright?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said, sounding as drunk as he had back at the Third Rail.

“Before I go, do you need anything?”

He dropped back onto the bed, his arms over his head, his eyes glazed over and looking at the ceiling. “A glass of water?”

“Nah, I just need to… sleep.”

“Okay. Well, if you need to throw up again, the bucket’s next to the bed. Good night, Mac.”

I stood, walking over to the door, pulling it open and stepping out into the hallway.

“Vi, wait,” he said before I could shut the door. I leaned in the doorway, raising an eyebrow questioningly. “Will… will I see you in the morning?”

I couldn’t help but smile at the bashful tone in which he’d spoken.

“Yeah, I’ll be here.”

He smiled softly, covering his eyes with an arm again.

“Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOO I did it! I hope this chapter was okay, I know the beginning was pretty filler-y again. But now we're gonna start getting into the rest of Mac's companion quest so wooooo. Also, I don't know about you guys, but I'm enjoying the slow transformation of Mac and Vi's relationship. There's almost romance in this romance story- ALMOST. It's still gonna be a pretty slow burn, but hey, stuff sort of almost happened a little. ANyway, I love you guys, thank you for all the kind words/support/subs/bookmarks/kudos. I feel totally rejuvenated and ready to keep this fic going!


	22. And I'm slowly sinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: LOTS OF BLUSHING

In the morning I awoke to someone running a hand over my hair and back. I was laying on my stomach, my arms folded under my pillow and my long, red hair draped over my face, my back, my pillow, like an extra blanket. My eyes flickered open and I groggily swept the hair away from my face, blinking slowly.

Mac stood beside my bed, his arms folded, his eye contact seeming reluctant. I’d forgotten to grab his hat when we’d left the Third Rail, and his hair was now swept off of his face but still fairly disheveled.

“Good morning, Hangover Man,” I mumbled, sitting up stiffly, rubbing an eye. “Were you playing with my hair?”

“No,” he said flatly, dropping down onto the edge of the bed.

I sat cross legged, my legs tangled in the blanket. It was then that I realized I wasn’t wearing pants- no one wants to sleep in jeans- and I made sure to secure the blanket around my back.

“How did you get in here? I thought I locked the door.”

He leaned forward on his elbows, staring straight ahead.

“You did. I didn’t want to wait for you to wake up,” he said, unabashed about the fact he’d picked the lock of my hotel room. He was lucky I didn’t sleep in the nude. Though a tank top and underwear weren’t a massive step up.  

“What time is it?”

“Nine.”

“Why are you awake? I thought you’d be dead all day like the last time,” I said, beginning to brush my hair back with my hands to put it in a ponytail. Abruptly Mac’s hand shot out, catching one of my wrists. I raised an eyebrow, frozen.

“Leave it down,” he said, his tone impossible to read along with his expression. Then, he blinked, as if he was in control of his body again, shaking his head and releasing my wrist. “Shi- I’m sorry, I don’t- _Anyway_ , want to tell me about last night?”

I swallowed, my hands dropping into my lap, my hair falling around me in waves.

“How much do you remember?” I asked.

I prayed he didn’t hear the nerves in my voice. He ran his hand over his facing, groaning quietly, as if remembering aged him. I waited patiently, literally twiddling my thumbs.

“Uh, well, I remember bits and pieces. I remember you showing up at the Third Rail… sort of. I remember you taking me back to the Rexford and talking to you... “

I was quiet when I spoke. “Do you remember what we talked about?”

I couldn’t look at him, instead I examined my small hands that had once been so delicate. The skin on them was now calloused, slightly tanned, and littered with small scars. The skin where my wedding band had once been was still paler.

“I told you about Lucy.”

My eyes snapped up and to my surprise he was looking at me too.

“Yes.”

“And Duncan?”

“A little bit, yes. You couldn’t tell me much because you, uh, well, you threw up,” I said, giving him an apologetic look.

He cringed.

“I thought I recalled doing that. A couple times, actually, after you left.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe I should have stayed and-”

“Vi, you getting me back to my room last night is more than anyone in this whole world would do for me. Don’t for a second try and make yourself feel guilty for not babysitting me,” he said, intense, leaning towards me slightly.

“So that’s all you remember?” I clarified, my mind drifting to when he had tried to… well, tried to do something.

“Is there more?”

“No.”

He nodded, clasping his hands together, his elbows still on his knees. His cheeks were rosy and when he’d met my eyes I’d noticed that his were bloodshot. He must have been fighting through the headache he undoubtedly had.

“I owe you more of an explanation, don’t I?” he asked, glancing at me.

I bit my lip, nodding. He sighed.

“Let’s see. Duncan. He’s five now.” It was hard to read his expression from the side, but I swore I could see a softness in his eyes, a tenderness that I’d never seen from him.

“Where is he?”

“Capital Wasteland. It’s where I grew up. I came to the Commonwealth because… well, about six months after Lucy died Duncan got sick. Got some disease that couldn’t be cured by some doctor in a city- I tried that. Last time I saw Duncan he was almost too weak to walk… I didn’t dare ask him to come with me.”

“So you came here because you were searching for a cure for your son?” Guilt filled every inch of me and I pushed my hair away from my face, my eyes falling to the blanket. “And this whole time you’ve been running around dealing with my problems when you had a serious one of your own. Mac, I’m so sorry-”

“ _Don't_ be sorry,” he said, adjusting so that he was facing me fully. “I chose to come with you, you didn’t force me into anything. The thing is, I might have found the cure. I ran into a guy named Sinclair a while back whose partner had all the same symptoms as Duncan. They said they found the cure at this place called Med-Tek Research. They even managed to grab the building’s lockdown security codes. The guys buddy died before they were able to break in and get the cure.”

“So can we go get it?” I asked, reflexively covering his clasped hands with mine, tilting forward. “Please, let me help you..”

He seemed taken aback by my willingness. But how? Yes, we’d hid things from each other, we’d tried to keep things between us limitedly personal -though we’d done a pretty terrible job- but how could he have possibly thought I wouldn’t help him with something like this?

I was so self-absorbed, so wrapped up in my own problems that I had barely considered he might have some of his own.

“You’d really help me?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper, the sound defeated, as if he wasn’t allowing himself to believe it.

“Of course, Mac,” I said, my words coming out of their own accord, “I’d do anything for you.”

Instantly I regretted speaking so openly and I released his hands, feeling blood creep into my cheeks. A small, incredulous smile tugged at his lips before his gaze fell to the floor.

“What you’re doing… no one’s ever cared that much about me before. At least, not since Lucy.”

“I know… I know I’m only a friend, Mac, but you don’t need to hide stuff like this from me. If you need help, I’ll be there.”

There was silence for a few, peaceful moments and I looked up, meeting his gaze. The smile hadn’t left his face, but there was a sadness in his eyes that I couldn’t pinpoint the cause of.

“Can we go today?” he asked.

“Are you well enough?”

“I could be bleeding out and I’d still say yes. A little hang over isn’t going to stop me from potentially saving my son.”

“Good point.”

After that, he left the room, allowing me the privacy to get dressed for the day. As I was tying my hair up into a ponytail I remembered how he’d stopped me. I frowned into the mirror, the action making my scar crumple. Why did he care about how I styled my hair?

I shook my head, tying my hair back and exiting the room. MacCready was standing against his door, arms folded, expression mildly impatient. That was to be expected.

By the time we hit the road it was almost ten, giving us hours of daylight to navigate the Wasteland. Med-Tek Research was about a six hour walk from Goodneighbor, and the fact that we ran into raiders, super mutants, and a couple feral ghouls meant it took us a little over eight hours to get there.

Shadows had already begun to slip between the skyscrapers as we’d walked, light fading behind the horizon. We reached Med-Tek at 6:18pm. Much to my displeasure, the parking lot was littered with old broken down cars with a feral ghoul tucked away under most of them.

We disposed of them in under five minutes, my skin crawling the entire time. When the last one collapsed at my feet, I shuddered, wiping at my face even though no blood had landed on me.

“You okay?” Mac asked, guiding me towards the doors of the building.

“Oh, you know, I hate feral ghouls, but I’m okay.”

“Alright. There will probably me more inside. A lot more.”

I eyed him suspiciously.

“You’ve been inside, haven’t you?”

He glanced down at me sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck as we made our way up the steps.

“I may have scoped it out when Sinclair had first told me. That was why I knew it was pointless for me to even attempt to do it alone.” His face and words became grim. “They would have torn me to shreds.”

 _Just like Lucy_ , was what I was sure he was thinking. God, all this time he’d been dealing with this trauma and I’d had no idea. His aloof personality made a lot more sense now.

There was something I couldn’t ignore anymore, something that I’d sensed had always been there but never wanted to address, evenly mentally. A connection between MacCready and myself. An invisible thread that kept us together, made it so despite our differing personalities we were drawn to each other. I couldn’t be certain he felt it as well, but the fact that he was still with me after all this time -and for free- told me he did.

We’d both lost our partners, our children in one form or another. We were both widowed parents trying to do right by the remaining members of our family.

It must have been hard for him to keep that bottled up when all I’d talked about for months was how badly I wanted to get my son back.

MacCready hadn’t been exaggerating when he’d said there would be _a lot_ more feral ghouls inside. Around every turn was another, or two, or three more, all barreling at us recklessly, hurling themselves at us with their teeth and nails.

It wasn’t until we made to the lower floor, having to go through an airlock that MacCready unlocked with a password Sinclar had given him, that things started to go downhill. This level of the building was even more dilapidated than the upper floors, a plethora of obstacles blocking our way ranging between chunks of the ceiling, bent and disjointed railings from overhanging walkways- collapsed overhanging walkways themselves. In the cramped and uneven terrain it was a lot harder to deal with the feral ghouls constantly throwing themselves at us.

Finally we made it to the last room, MacCready punching in the password with subtly shaking fingers. The door slid open, five feral ghouls clambering to their feet instantly, a glowing one on the other side of the counter from us making a high pitched gurgling noise.

“Neat,” I squeaked, breaking the silence that we’d had going upon entering Med-Tek.

MacCready took out the closest ghoul wordlessly, darting into the room, firing twice more. I focused my attention on the glowing one, hoping he focused on the other four. Luminous blood spurted out of it’s shoulder where I hit it and it scrambled over the counter, it’s shriveled limbs knocking over beakers that shattered on the floor.

I knew even being close to this thing was going to irradiate me and I was glad I had gotten into the habit of popping a rad-X every few hours. I shot once, twice, hitting it in the chest, the neck. It kept coming, thick blood oozing from it’s bullet wounds, and I grit my teeth, back up, my foot catching on something behind me. I tripped backwards, crashing onto a pile of the wreckage that had once been the ceiling of this floor, dust flying up around me.

“Vi!” Mac cried, stepping into the doorway, gun ready.

But before he could shoot, I did, hitting the glowing one once in the cheek and then another time directly in the forehead. It’s skull burst open, blood raining over me like confetti. Mac hurried over to me, kicking the carcass of the glowing one to the side. “Are you okay?”

He extended his hand down towards mine, and I took it, unable to ignore how small it looked wrapped in his long fingers. He tugged me to my feet, leading me onto a part of the ground that was flat. He knew how clumsy I was.

“I’m fine,” I said.

I wiped the droplets of blood off my face with my sleeve, following him back into the room. We both scoured the space, him checking on the counter under a window, while I searched the counter in the middle of the room. There was nothing that seemed like a medicine, only clipboards, more beakers and other lab equipment.

“It has to be here,” MacCready muttered, panic leaking into his voice.

“We’ll find it, don’t worry.”

I prayed he couldn’t hear my uncertainty. If the cure was still here, it meant it had been left alone for over two hundred years. Of course, judging by the amount of feral ghouls here, it would make sense if no one had come to take the cure.  
I noticed a red, cylindrical capsule of some kind on the floor, a little shorter than my forearm. Frowning, I bent down, reading the faded white print on the side of the tube. _Prevent_.

“Mac, I found… something.”

He whirled around, running over to me and almost knocking me over as he snatched the tube from my hands. His eyes scanned the writing, his lips parted as he read.

“This is- _this is it!”_ His gaze snapped up and we grinned at each other. “Vi, you beauty, you found it!”

He threw his arms around me, locking me so tightly against his chest that it pushed all the air from my lungs. I took a split second to recover from the pressure in which he was embracing me, and then hugged him back. I buried my face in his scarf, my fingers clenching around his coat.

As quickly as it started, it stopped. But instead of Mac backing away from me with a look of embarrassment like usual, he continued to beam down at me, his blue eyes lit up like a candle. He held onto one of my arms still, his grip firm, his excitement overflowing.

“You’re incredible, you know that?”

I laughed awkwardly, looking away, tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ears.

“Oh, come on, you would have found it as soon as you’d looked at the ground.”

“That’s not- nevermind.”

“What do we do now? How do we get it to Duncan?” I asked.

He slid the prevent into a pocket, eyes darting around as he thought.

“Uh, damn, I didn’t know if I’d ever get this far. Daisy. Daisy in Goodneighbor, she can get it to him.”

I checked the time on my pipboy. 7:15pm. It had taken us an hour to go through the building.

“We better get going then. At this rate we won’t be back till one.”

I headed out of the room and he jogged after me, grabbing my arm to stop me.

“Do you need to rest?”

I smiled, raising an eyebrow.

“Mac, your tender side is showing,” I said, hitting the brim of his hat, knocking it off. He’d collected it from the Third Rail before we’d left today, unfortunately. He caught it, his face going red. Then he shoved it back on, agitated and followed me towards the exit.

******

Admittedly, I was exhausted when we arrived back at Goodneighbor. I wasn’t going to tell that to Mac though. The whole journey he’d been silent, periodically pulling out the cure and examining it as if it were sparkling gold.

It was refreshing to see him with such high spirits.

The general goods store closed at nine. For a moment I’d considered suggesting going to bed and giving the cure to Daisy in the morning. But I guessed Mac wouldn’t be into that and I wouldn't have been either if I’d been in his place.

Daisy wasn’t exactly happy to be woken up in the middle of the night, but as soon as she was made aware of the situation, her eyes widened, all traces of irritation erased.

“Oh, my god! That’s wonderful news. How’d you do it? Last time you tried the ferals almost chewed you to bits.”

Mac looked down at me with undeniable admiration in his eyes. Thankfully it was too dark for him to see my blush.

“I didn’t do it alone, Vi got me through Med-Tek. Now all I need to do is get the cure into Duncan’s hands. Can you help me?”

“Of course, MacCready. You’ve saved my behind more than once, it’s the least I can do. I swear I’ll get the cure to Duncan.”

We handed it off to her, saying goodbye, and heading out into the streets of Goodneighbor. A comfortable, warm silence draped over us as we wound between the buildings, ending up in front of the Third Rail. We both came to a halt.

“So, what do you wanna do now? Go to bed? Or celebrate and get a little drunk?”

The softness I’d only seen a few times before returned to his blue eyes as he gazed at me intently.

“I don’t want to do anything to risk forgetting about today.”

It took all my self restraint to stop my jaw from dropping. He’d spoken with such sincerity, such fervor that my heart had immediately started to pound.

“T-then let’s go to bed.”

Since we’d both already booked a room at the Hotel Rexford we were able to just walk inside and head upstairs.

“Well, goodnight, Mac,” I said, opening my door.

“Night, Vi.” I was inside, about to close my door when he said, “I didn’t mean you were incredible because you found the cure.”

My eyes lifted from the door, my brows furrowing. He wasn’t looking at me; his eyes were on the floor. He looked so exposed and vulnerable, standing there in the middle of the hallway, his hat dipped, making it hard for me to see his eyes.

“What?”

“You’re incredible because you helped me get rid of Winlock and Barnes. Because you even bothered to come with me to Med-Tek. You’re incredible because you care about me, Vi.”

My mouth was agape, my pulse thundering in my ears, my fingers that were clasped around the edge of the door beginning to sweat. I swallowed, blinking, as if I were trying to wake up.

“Mac-”

Unexpectedly he moved forward, wrapping a hand around one of my own, staring ardently at me. He murmured, “Even if it takes the rest of my life… I’ll repay this debt to you, _I swear it.”_

If my blush wasn’t noticeable before, it had to be now. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I was certain he could hear it, probably see it trying to burst out of my ribs. My mouth hung open. How was I supposed to respond to that?

And here I’d thought he’d only behave this way when he was drunk.

Why was I blushing, though? Why did his words have such an effect over me? I’d had friends tell me how much I meant to them before- why was this any different? My mind flickered to when Nate and I had started getting serious and he’d told me how important I was to him, but I quickly pushed those thoughts back.

Acting on instinct, I slid my arms around his neck, getting up on my tiptoes in order to reach. I rested my chin on his shoulder, clenching my eyes shut. Gently, as if I might shatter under his touch, he snaked his arms around my waist, seeming to bury his face in my hair.

“You’re not hard to care about, Mac,” I whispered. “Don’t give me so much credit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support! This fic suddenly got so much new attention!!! I love it!!! Well, I love all attention, but new attention is great!!!! I'm so tired I'm going to bed!!!! Thanks for reading and commenting and kudoing and subbing and bookmarking!!!! Also, right now the way I'm writing the next chapter it has a lot of dialogue and banter between Vi and Mac and then some between Vi, Mac, and Deacon and I'm wondering if everyone enjoys reading playful banter as much as I like writing it? If you have an opinion on this please tell me cause I can change the next chapter accordingly.


	23. Into the slough of despond

“Alright, Secret Man,” I said, looking up at MacCready, my hands clasped around my backpack straps. “Any other skeletons in your closet you have left to reveal?”

Mac couldn’t help but smile, shaking his head, and staring forward. We were on our way to HQ, probably only ten minutes away now. Deacon had shown up this morning at the Hotel Rexford to tell me that Desdemona needed to see me ASAP. He hadn’t stuck around, instead disappearing to deal with other Railroad business.

It felt like old times, walking around the Commonwealth with only MacCready at my side.

“No, that was it.”

“Then tell me something else about yourself. Something that’s not a secret- just a fun fact!”

“Okay, here’s one,” he said, glancing down at me, smirking. “I don’t like sharing.”

I groaned, rolling my eyes.

“I don’t know why I didn’t see that coming.”

“I know! I’ve been telling you that since day one.”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, thinking. So far the only methods that had proved fruitful when it came to getting him to open up were getting him drunk, and crying in front of him. And even then, the latter didn’t work every time.

I nudged him with my elbow, saying, “How about a game then? I tell you something about myself, and then you return the favor.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“What if I don’t want to know anything else about you?” I gave him a doubtful look. “Fine, fine, we can try it. But only until we reach the Railroad, and I reserve the right to quit whenever I want.”

I was about to argue, but it occurred to me that I was probably already pushing my luck. There was no point risking him backing out of the ‘game’ entirely.

“Alright. Do you want to ask each other questions, or just have us say random facts about ourselves?”

He thought for a moment. I stumbled over a pile of bricks, and he caught me, holding onto my arm until we reached even terrain.

“Ask each other questions.”

“Okay. Do you want to go first or shall I-”

“What’s your favorite color?” he asked.

I almost laughed.

“Seriously?”

“I thought we should start off with something easy.”

“Fair point. Purple. And yours?”

“Green,” he said quickly. Then his head snapped to the side to look at me, an alarmed expression on his face. I quirked a brow questioningly but he looked back ahead, swallowing. “Uh, did you have any siblings?”

“Thankfully, no. The only people I lost in the war-” I cut myself off. “Whoops, almost forgot the rules.”

“There are rules?”

“Yeah. No disclosing any information that the other person didn’t ask about.”

He nodded contemplatively. “How about you? Any other members of the MacCready clan?”

He shook his head wordlessly.

“Were you close with your parents?”

His question caught me off guard. Yes, I’d recently discovered that my callous friend had actually been quite the family man, but still, I didn’t expect him to take the questions in the direction of family himself.

It was all so overwhelmingly personal.

And I loved it.

“Yeah, I was. They were very supportive and they both doted on me a lot. You?”

He grinned, staring ahead as if he were remembering something.

“Nope. Don’t remember a thing about them.”

“Who raised you then-”

“Ah, ah, ah,” he said, “It’s not your turn. What do you miss most about living before the war?”

My instinctive answer had been to say Nate, but I didn’t want to drag down the conversation by that much. Plus, I was sure he already knew that was how I felt. He was trying to find out something new.

“Decent showers, I think- no, I lied. Green. I miss green grass, and green leaves on trees, and green stalks of flowers- _I miss flowers!_ ” I babbled, my mind flickering between memories of the park by Nate and I’s house, to lying beneath trees with heavy, swathes of leaves that wove together into a canopy above my head. I thought of the bouquets of flowers Nate would surprise me with occasionally.

“I can’t even imagine that,” he said, frowning. “I’ve seen drawings of hills and parks in comics, but I know they can’t compare to the real thing.”

I smiled, internally celebrating the fact that he was opening up to me, sharing his thoughts effortlessly.

“It was beautiful. The world was beautiful. God, I wish I had some way to show you what it felt like to lie in the grass- or jump into a pile of freshly raked leaves!”

“Now, I know that it’s a building, or a facility, or something, but is there grass in the Institute?” he asked.

I could see HQ coming up in the distant. We’d be there in less than a minute. I bit my lip, my brow furrowing.

“Yes, but it’s my turn to ask a question. Who raised you?”

“No one, really. I lived in this… sort of settlement, called Little Lamplight. It was me and a bunch of other kids.”

“And that was it?” I asked, my brows shooting up.

“Not your turn,” he said. We were almost to the door. “How long were you married to Nate.”

Another unexpected turn in the conversation.

“Four years. So there were no adults?”

“Nope. Once you turned sixteen, you were kicked out.”

We stopped at the door, and I sighed, looking up at the Railroad symbol. Silently, we entered the familiar building, weaving our way into the catacombs and eventually ending up in the inner sanctum.

Dez must have been watching the cameras because she was waiting for me expectantly at the bottom of the stairs.

“P.A.M finished analyzing everything and found somewhere you can get login credentials.”

“Where?” I asked as I hopped off the last step.

“Cambride Polymer Labs. You’ll need to go right away. Deacon will meet you there,” she said.

I raised an eyebrow.

“Why couldn’t Deacon just tell me this earlier?”

She just looked at me as if I had been speaking a foreign language. Her eyebrows crumpled.

“I, uh, well, we didn’t- Never mind, Charmer, just go! Stop wasting time.”

With that said, she turned, hurrying off to talk to Glory. I laughed incredulously and then stared up at Mac.

“Well, that was a nice walk.”

“Yeah. Nice and pointless.”

Cambridge Polymer Labs was a little under a two hour walk from the Railroad headquarters. When MacCready and I arrived we found Deacon leaning on the front door, his arms folded. He grinned at us as we approached.

“There’s the dynamic duo. Reunited and it feels so good, right?”

Mac and I exchanged an amused glance.

“Sure,” I said, “You ready?”

“Nah, I just thought I’d wait here so I could tell you that I need to go back to HQ and mentally prepare-”

“Dear god, stop talking,” MacCready groaned.

Deacon and I both laughed, Deacon’s eyebrows shooting up above his sunglasses.

“Tell me, MacCready, how do you keep such a sunny disposition?”

“I avoid people like you at all costs.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” I said, pushing past them and opening the door.

They followed me inside, and per the norm, we were greeted by a run down lobby, caked in dust, splintered wood, and piles and piles of paper. Floating beyond the front desk was a Miss Nanny.

“Welcome, to the Cambridge Polymer Labs, my name is Molly,” she said, coming towards me. “Employment opportunities await in the field of scientific research. Shall we begin your application now?”

I was frozen, my eyebrows raised. I glanced over either of my shoulders, MacCready and Deacon both hanging back behind me. I knew that Miss Nanny and Mr. Handy robots could become dangerous if turned hostile. I wondered if I had to play along to keep her friendly.

“Sure. The world may have ended but why not sit at a desk all day.”

“Let’s see what employment opportunities we have available for someone given your qualifications.”

“How does it know her qualifications?” Deacon said, stage whispering rather than actually trying not to be heard.

“I don’t know,” Mac hissed.

“Due to increased demands for staff in all fields, we have condensed the employment test accordingly. Question one: do you possess previous experience with Polymer Synthesis?”

“Look, it sounds like you need me regardless, so let’s get down to brass tax.”

The two of them snickered.

“Calculating test results. I am pleased to offer you the position of “Sales Coordinator”. Expect a loquacious future in haggling for military funding. Would you like the orientation?”

“No, let’s just move it along.”

She didn’t seem to mind this answer, and soon Mac, Deacon and I were lead into the lab. Unfortunately, we were immediately informed by Molly that due to missed milestones, mandatory overtime was being enforced. All the exits were now locked.

“Wonderful,” Mac muttered, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and index finger.

“Look, we’ll get the login credentials and then we’ll figure a way out of here. Like we always do.”

“Or we’ll die in here because all the exits are sealed and made of thick metal.”

“Seriously, how do stay so positive? It’s insane,” Deacon jibed.

“Deacon,” I said, examining the room we’d just entered, “If you want to survive long enough to make it out of this place, I suggest you stop antagonizing Mac.”

“Are you implying he would beat me in a-”

“Yes. Now shut up.”

We ventured through the labs, coming upon goddamn feral ghouls. Why couldn’t people have just died when the bombs had gone off? Did they have to become these horrifying, zombie-esque creatures? _Did they?_

It took us fifteen minutes to find the room with the terminal containing Wilfred Bergman’s login. Also on her terminal was a tab titled “Facility Defense System”. I selected it and it gave me the option to override the lockdown.

“Oh-ho-ho, what is this?” I said, giving Mac a smug smile. “A way to open the doors? But if I do that, how will we die?”

“I have a few ideas.”

I rolled my eyes, highlight the override option.

“Remember what I told you when we first met, Mac?”

“Uh.. ‘I need you to take your shirt off’?”

I looked up at him, glaring daggers.

“Before that.”

“Was it that his hat was painfully ugly?” Deacon asked and I snorted, covering my mouth.

It was pretty clear I was trying not to laugh as I said, “No, it was that I was lucky.”

I hit ‘Override Lock’, returning to smirking at Mac. It was then that a red light burst into life, an alarm sounding. A machine gun turret popped out of the ceiling, bullets hitting the back of my chair, stuffing flying up around us. Thankfully, Mac and Deacon both had finely tuned instincts, a signature trait of people who had grown up in the Wasteland, and they quickly destroyed the turret.

“You were saying?” Mac yelled over the alarm.

“Well, I was pretty lucky that turret didn’t immediately kill me!”

In response he latched onto my wrist, pulling me out of the seat, grabbing my gun off of the desk and shoving it into my hand. As we approached the exit of the room more bullets shattered the windows. Mac threw an arm across me, bracing me against the wall as he searched for the source of the gunfire.

Deacon crept across the room, hunched over as to get by what I assumed was another machine turret in the roof. As he reached the opposite end of the room a second stream of bullets poured through the window, riddling the wall right beside him with holes, crossing diagonally through the first turrets bullets. Deacon edged away from the window, making it impossible for him to be hit.

“That’s not ideal,” he muttered.

He brought his sniper rifle to his eye, stepping back to his original spot, pulling the trigger and then throwing himself out of view again.

“How’d it go?” I asked, although I could already guess judging by the steady line of bullets still hitting the wall.

“You did this, Charmer, don’t sass me!”

“He’s got a point,” Mac said, finally moving his arm away from me, and holding his own sniper rifle to his eye.

After one attempt from Mac and another from Deacon, both turrets had been destroyed. We made our way back through the building with caution, disposing of any turrets that popped up along the way. It seemed like we were in the clear as we reached the door that had once been locked.

Unfortunately, Molly floated into the room, flame-thrower at full power and buzz saw whirring loudly. The three of us ducked, clambering behind the counter in the room.

“All this is going in the mission report, Charmer,” Deacon said.

I raised an eyebrow.

“You actually write mission reports?”

“Well, not usually, but I might this time.”

I peeked over the counter just in time to see flames licking across the plastic surface. I fell backwards, gasping, watching the fire shoot above me and then disappear as Molly stopped shooting.

“Are you okay?” Mac asked, pulling out his pistol, checking that it was loaded.

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” I felt my face. “Do I still have eyebrows? Am I still pretty?”

MacCready licked his lips, smirking at his gun as he shoved the chamber back in, then met my stare.

“Yes.”

Good god, I’d known Mac was attractive but how had I never noticed how swoon worthy he was when handling firearms?

It was then that I realized I was still on the floor, leaning up on my elbows and Mac and Deacon were slowly chipping away at the Miss Nanny. What was wrong with me? I shook my head, sitting up, reclaiming Deliverer from beside me.

Molly came around the desk and Mac and Deacon backed up towards the door we’d just come through, barely avoiding the flames shooting from one of her arms. She arced the buzz saw down, aiming straight for my head. Caught off guard, I folded my arms over my head, as if that were going to keep me alive.

Arms wrapped around my waist, locking tightly, yanking me backwards and up. The buzzsaw hit the ground cutting up the linoleum floor instead of my fragile bones. Whichever one of them that had grabbed me carried me out of the room in a hurry, holding me so high that my feet couldn’t touch the ground.

Since I could now see Deacon with his back braced against the wall beside the doorway, I knew it was MacCready who was placing me back on the floor. He grabbed my shoulders, whirling me around to face him, his blue eyes mere inches from mine.

“Are you trying to die!?”

“It would appear that I am, wouldn’t it?”

“Guys, focus!”

Immediately after the words left his mouth there was a loud, high pitched sound as the buzz saw ate through the door frame, heading straight for Mac’s neck. My eyes bulged and my arms sprung out reflexively, winding around Mac’s neck. I wrenched him down, and he grunted in protest, crumpling into a squatting position with me.

Deacon laid into Molly as soon as she cleared the doorway, but this didn’t seem to distract her because she aimed her flamethrower down towards Mac and I, while simultaneously swinging the blade down at us as well.

This all happened in a matter of seconds, so I hadn’t released Mac, whose head might as well have been buried in my chest. This made it easier to pull him and myself to the side, the two of us rolling clumsily away.

“Will you two get off the goddamn floor!” Deacon cried over the sound of his gunfire.

Mac and I untangled ourselves from each other, and I swept all the loose hair away from my face. My ponytail was essentially nonexistent at this point. We made brief eye contact and then both aimed at Molly, who was swivelling to face Deacon.

I stuck my tongue out the side of my mouth, closing an eye and emptying the remainder of my ammo into Molly while Mac did as well. Just as she raised her flamethrower at Deacon, one of our bullets finally did the trick, and she dropped to the ground with a heavy plunk.

Mac and I’s shoulders were touching and I leaned into him, my head resting on his shoulder. Unexpectedly, he slid his arm around me, resting his cheek on the top of my head. Deacon flopped into the wall, sliding to the floor. We were all drained.

Even stronger than my fatigue was my shock. Would I ever adjust to Mac being affectionate?

Probably not.

“Next time someone’s trying to cut your head open, try getting out of the way, okay?” he murmured.

I pulled away a fraction, looking up at him and laughing.

“I could say the same to you. You would have lost your head if it weren’t for me.”

He rolled his eyes.

“I would have ducked in time.”

“What!? You didn’t even know it was coming!”

“The sound of splintering would inches away from my ear made it pretty clear-”

“Are you two done flirting?” Deacon said, getting to his feet.

MacCready’s hand retracted from around my waist and I snorted, doing my best to act blasé. We both got to our feet, making an effort not to touch each other anymore. “Now, what have we learned?”

“Fire bad?” I said.

He smirked.

“Yeah, that was sort of a lesson there at the end. But before that?”

“Look, overriding the lock is not always going to open up the gates of hell, okay?” I snapped, rolling my eyes and shoving my gun back into it’s holster.

Deacon stepped over Molly as if she might abruptly return to life and we headed out of the building. It was late afternoon now, the sun still beaming down on us. It was spring, though the heat in the Wasteland was more reminiscent of summer time. It made me wonder how hot it would get when it actually became summer.

“So, are you gonna mysteriously disappear now?” Mac asked, side glancing at Deacon. Deacon grinned patting Mac on the back.

“Why I wouldn’t wanna miss walking back to HQ with you guys.”

“Fantastic.”

Deacon and I talked most of the way back, MacCready joining in every now and then. Occasionally we’d all fall into a comfortable silence and my mind would wander. It would go to memories of Mac and I’s increasingly confusing relationship. At first I thought of the beginning, when he was so crabby all the time, but would still do anything to keep me alive. I remembered him carrying me out of the tower in the CIT ruins after we’d killed the Courser.

I remembered when we’d cleared the Starlight drive in and how he’d finally shown real signs of caring about me- even if he’d denied it at first. I remembered him leaving after that fight with Piper.

I remembered why he’d said he’d left.

“ _I needed some space.”_

_“From what?”_

_“From everything, alright? From Piper, from the Railroad... from you.”_

Old remnants of the hurt I’d felt back when he’d first told me that returned, nettled stinging in my chest only slightly duller than it had originally been. After the fight we’d had the night after he’d told me I’d stopped pushing for an explanation.  
But clearly it had stuck with me.

“Everything okay, Vi?” Mac murmured, concerned.

I’d been so lost in thought that I hadn’t realized that I’d started frowning at the ground. I met his stare, putting on what I hoped was a convincing smile.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Just spacing out.”

Judging by his expression, he didn’t buy it. But he didn't pry either.

“Okay.”

When we made it back to HQ, again, Dez was not far away from the stairs. She congratulated me on finding the password, but immediately proceeded onto the next topic.

“Our final analysis of your report indicates the Institute is far more formidable than we ever feared or imagined. If we stage a mass breakout, Patriot’s thirteen synths will undoubtedly be the last we ever save. Instead we use this chance… to rescue all the synths. Every last one of them.”

For a moment I was too stunned to respond.

“Alright,” I said, replacing my initial doubt with eagerness. “What’s the next step?”

Dez seemed surprised by my willingness and an amazed smile spread across her face.

“The Institute will never let their slaves go without a fight. So the heart of our problem is man power. Even if we call in all our agents, and we will, we won't be able to hold our own against the Institute for long. Talk with Z1-14. If the synths down there want freedom, they must fight and risk their lives to earn it.”

“Understood.”

“Good. Which leads us to a delicate subject. As much as owe Patriot, we can’t be certain how committed he is. If he learns we’re willing to kill to free synths he may not have the stomach for it. So get what you need from him and then cut him loose.”

After that, there wasn’t much more to be said. Deacon stayed behind to discuss something with Dez and MacCready and I headed up the stairs. As we shut the door to the Railroad, he sighed.

“Something wrong?” I asked once we began the journey to the surface.

“What? No, yeah, everything’s fine.”

He wouldn’t look at me.

“Is it really fine, or is it my version of fine?”

He smiled absently and then it faded, his lips being pressed into a thin line.

“How long are you gonna be gone?”

“Probably a few days again. Maybe a few weeks. I guess it depends on what Z1 says or how easily Shaun lets me go. I’ve been gone almost a week and a half- he’s probably worried.”

“Disappearing for a month does that to people,” he muttered.

My chest ached, guilt rolling through me. He hadn’t said it as a jab, more like a confession. He sympathized with Shaun because I’d done the same to him. I’d left without a word after leading them to believe I’d always be there.  
Reflexively, I slid my hand into his, coming to a stop, my eyes downcast.

“No matter what, I’ll come back in two weeks. Hopefully sooner- but if not, it’ll be two weeks. I promise.” I looked up at him, my face red. His lips were parted in shock, his light eyes wide. “I won’t ever leave like that again, okay? I promise.”

A moment passed and then a mischievous smile slowly crept onto his face. He leaned forward and my heart thundered in my chest at his proximity. And then he whispered, “Violet, your tender side is showing.”

My jaw dropped and my eyes widened, my blush deepening. He pulled back, smirking wider. I threw his hand away, giving him an infuriated smile, shaking my head.

“Robert Joseph MacCready, you are a piece of work. Last time I pour out my heart for you.”

“Thank god,” he said, throwing an arm over my shoulder and guiding me forward.

******

Both Z1 and Liam had been overjoyed to hear back from me. Z1, though, had been mildly unnerved when I’d informed him of Dez’s plan to free ALL the synths. I hadn’t let Liam in on that part of the plan, knowing it was pointless to share it with him since I’d been ordered to stop working with him beyond this point.

Shaun had been happy to see me, too, and he hadn’t quite been able to hide his incredulity regarding the fact that I had actually come back. I struggled to admit to myself that I had missed him. The whole betrayal thing would be a lot easier if I didn’t care about him.

But since he was my son, it was unavoidable.

A week passed and I found no opportunity to justify leaving the Institute. ‘I have friends I want to visit’ can only work every so often. Of course, it wasn’t a lie. The only reason I wanted to leave was to see Mac, catch up with Piper and Nick a little bit. Pat Dogmeat.

The Railroad and I were in a holding pattern until Z1 got back to me on the status of the other synths. He had requested I deposit some weapons in a supply room since they themselves didn’t have any. We’d made plans to stage a few synths deaths in a excavation tunnel on the sublevel of the Institute to allow them time to also build some of their own weapons too, but that wouldn’t be possible until I delivered some guns myself, which I couldn’t do until I was able to leave the Institute.

Most of my days were consumed by writing, painting, and spending time with Shaun. We played chess, he tried to explain how they’d managed to create gorillas, or how the teleporter worked exactly. He tried to sell me on the food supplements that I’d had to start begrudgingly eating since it was that or starve.

Besides the fact that I was inadvertantly being held hostage by the enemy, I was having a rather pleasant time.  What made it so hard was that I missed Mac. And what was even worse than missing Mac was  _realizing_ I missed Mac, and then remembering he’d never explained why he left all those months ago, and then thinking about Nate, and  _then_ feeling guilty for not thinking about Nate as often anymore.

But other than that everything was fine.

That was until one day I came to see Shaun in his room.

He’d been standing by the balcony that overlooked the hub of the Institute, one arm folded, his other arms fist pressed to his lip. His stare had been pensive but when he’d noticed me I’d detected a hint of annoyance.

“Ah, hello, Mother,” he said, remaining angled towards the balcony. “Tell me, what would you do when someone has stolen from you?”

His tone had become darker towards the end of his sentence.

“Oh, no, is this a teachable moment? I didn’t get the chance to raise a child, Shaun, I haven’t mastered the art of giving sage parental advice.” When he didn’t smile, I knew that this problem was not going to go away. I sighed, tucking some hair behind my ear. “I suppose I would try and talk it out, see if things can be resolved peacefully. Then again, after everything I’ve been through to find you, I think you already know the real answer.”

Finally, his expression softened and he faced me.

“I’m sorry, mother. Of course, you’re right.”

“So what’s been taken from you?”

“The group that calls themselves ‘The Railroad’ has acquired several synths from the Institute, synths that had gone missing in recent months.” My stomach dropped and I did my best to remain nonchalant. “They no doubt mean to ‘free’ these synths, in their delusion that synths are somehow sentient beings. You’ve been in contact with them, so you’re aware of their misguided beliefs.”

“They’re crazy, thinking machines are alive.”

The second after the words left my mouth I became tense -not visibly so- and mentally crossed my fingers. If he didn’t believe I was against the Railroad than he might slowly become suspicious of me and the whole plan would unravel.

“Agreed,” he said without missing a beat. “However noble they may believe themselves to be, they are thieves. Usually they are a minor nuisance, but lately they have become more emboldened. I’m afraid we’ve reached a point where a response is necessary. We have learned the current location of these synths, and need to re-acquire them before the Railroad can hide them.”

Internally… I was screaming. It was time to play dumb.

“Where are the synths located?”

“A small settlement at the old Bunker Hill monument. But it’s important that we act on this soon, before the Railroad has any indication we’ve tracked them.”

“I’ll act quickly.”

“Thank you. There will be a Courser waiting for you near Bunker Hill. Please find him before barging in.”

With that, I bid him farewell, heading to my room to change and shower. This was not good. It was  _no_ good. I had to get to the Railroad right now. I needed to warn them. I needed Dez to help me formulate a plan that didn’t get anyone killed, or get my cover blown.

How had this happened? They’d taken so many precautions!

Of course, the Institute had discovered and cleared out the Switchboard, I shouldn’t have been so surprised. But this time, people weren’t going to die and the Railroad wasn’t going to get set back seven steps.

I was going to warn them, and we were going to come out on top. Innocent synths were not going to get dragged back to the Institute, I wouldn’t- _couldn't_ do that again.

I just hoped the Brotherhood of Steel didn’t show up when this all went down too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I hope that I added up the years Nate and Vi were married correctly, but I couldn't backtrack and check because this story is a million words and I'm lazy and also sorry. I'm double sorry for not updating on time! My little dog got attacked by a bigger dog on Tuesday night when I usually proof read or finish the latest update and it was all very traumatic and scary. Anyway, thank you for all the positive feedback last chapter!!!! Seriously, it's incredible! I hope this chapter is okay... I wrote the last half like... right now basically. Anyway, I'm excited for the next chapter! Finally time for the battle of Bunker Hill! Love you guys, I gotta go to bed!


	24. Like an old guitar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which everyone is angry.

Dez leaned over the map in the center of HQ, slamming her palm on the brick.

“We wait until the enemy is in position then we hit them. Hard. No one they send out comes back alive- except you. Understood?”

I raised my eyebrows, my arms folded over my chest.

“Oh, is that all? Need anything else while I’m at it?”

She smiled, blowing smoke out from between her lips, her lit cigarette held in her free hand.

“Nope. Just keep defying the odds. You’ll probably have a Courser escort. You’ll have to take them down. You’ve done it before, but it will still be dangerous,” she said, and I glanced at Mac, expecting him to give me a look since he was the one who actually finished off the Courser. But he was stoic, his expression hard. “It’s a risk. But it’s one we have to take. So get it done.”

“I will,” I said without a hint of doubt.

The meeting came to an end shortly after and I walked towards Deacon, planning on asking what his plan was.

“Violet, wait!” Mac called.

I turned, my brow furrowed.

“What’s up?”

He leaned forward, his eyes flickering around the room, paranoid.

“Can I talk to you… alone?” he asked.

“In one sec, I need to get something worked out with Deacon-”

“Nope, not soon enough, sorry.”

He grabbed onto my forearm, towing me over to the stairs and then up to the top so forcefully I almost tripped more than once.

“Mac, what are you-”

“Why are you doing this?” he snapped, shoving the door open and slamming it shut behind us.

“What?”

“Why are you throwing your life away for these people?”

For a moment I was so taken aback by what he was saying that I couldn’t form words. Yes, Mac was no longer my hired gun, but he’d given up arguing with me about what I was doing a long time ago.

“I’m not throwing away my life,” I said, frowning deeply, “Yes, it’s going to be dangerous but-”

“You’re going up against the Institute! The people you’re spying on! This is too much- it’s too much, Vi!”

“No matter what I have to go, Mac! Shaun’s already ordered me to do it!”

He ignored me.

“You’re lucky, but you’re not this lucky! You’re going to get us killed!”

I wrenched my arm out of his grasp, staggering backwards.

“Then don’t come. I’m not going to sit idly by and let the Institute take these innocent  _people_ back and I’m certainly not going to help them either. My only option is to fight and protect the cause I believe in. I’ve never asked you to believe in it too, and if this is too much for you then- then fine!”

He flexed his jaw as I spoke, shoving a hand through his hair. He hadn’t worn his hat today.

“This isn’t your fight! We could- could go somewhere else! Go to the Capital Wasteland-”

“Just run away? I- No, I won’t do that! I’ll never be able to live with myself. This is my problem and I’m done running away from it.”

“This isn’t your responsibility, Vi-”

“Bull-fucking-shit, it’s not!” I snapped, glaring at him with more venom than I ever had before. “I gave birth to the man who created the gen 3 synths! I am entirely responsible for their way of life! If I’d never given birth to Shaun-”

I cut myself off, taking in a sharp breath, putting the back of my hand to my mouth. It was then that I noticed the tears in my eyes, noticed the lump in my throat. Had I actually just talked as if it would have been better if I’d never given birth to my son? My baby?

Of course, was I wrong? As awful and despicable and downright monstrous as it was it was also true. If I’d never had him he’d never have been able to start running the Institute. Even if synths had been created from someone else's DNA at least it wouldn’t have been because of me. And the Institute never would have had a reason to kill Nate.

“Vi… you can’t blame yourself like this. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“That doesn’t make these- these  _feelings_ go away. I feel sick with guilt- I can’t just watch while people are enslaved! I won’t. I can’t.”

I reached for the handle of the door, intending to go talk to Deacon still, my chest aching. That was when Mac’s hand shot out, wrapping around mine.

“ _Please_ , Vi, listen to me- Please, don’t go-”

“What aren’t you getting, Mac!? Why are you pushing this!?” I said, but let him keep his hand locked tightly around mine. It seemed now he’d dropped all pretense, all barriers he’d kept firmly erected until now.

“Because I can’t lose you!”

I thought my ribs might explode. What was happening? Why did his words break my heart? Why did they mean so much to me? Because he was my friend?

“Then don’t let me go without you! Help me!” I said, clenching my fingers around the sleeve of his coat, my grip tightening around his hand. It was as if a current of electricity was going through me, created purely from our proximity. And yet I was so frustrated that he might leave me now, abandon me when I needed him most.

“It’s too dangerous! We don’t need to risk our lives.”

He cupped my face in his free hand, his desperate blue eyes boring into mine.

I wanted... I wanted things I shouldn’t. I wanted closeness, I wanted his arms wrapped around me, I wanted to demolish the everlasting gap between us, wanted to open myself up one stitch at a time and let him in.

I wanted him to kiss me.

Thoughts of Nate flooded through me. His eyes, his hands around mine, his smile, whispered declarations of love in the late hours of the night. I remembered sliding his wedding ring off of his cold, dead fingers.

Reflexively I withdrew my hand from his, my breath hitching and I backed away.

“I can’t- I have to do this. With or without you, Mac. I owe it to every synth. If Shaun won’t right his wrong, then I have to. I’m his mother.”

“Just because your son is a monster doesn’t mean-”

My stomach dropped.

_“A monster?”_

“No- that’s not what I meant-” Mac said, reaching out towards me. Without thinking, I recoiled.

“Don’t touch me.”

His eyes widened and his mouth fell open, his hand outstretched in front of him, empty. The look on his face was one of pure and unadulterated devastation. He’d never experienced my rejection. “I’m sorry-”

“No, don’t be,” he said, his tone robotic. As he continued, it became colder. “If you want to go on a suicide mission, be my guest. Keeping you alive isn’t my job anymore, right?”

Abruptly, he turned, about to walk away. All my rage, my self hatred over my unignorable blossoming feelings for him, all the pain I experienced when I remembered I was the reason he’d left the drive in that day -as irrelevant as it currently was- hit me full force  and I cracked.  
“Oh good, leave just like you always do! At least this time I know what I did to drive you away!”

He spun around, his eyebrows raised, incensed.

“Are you kidding me!? Don’t try and pretend you didn’t do the same to me!”

“Where do you think I got the idea from!?” I cried. “But I’ve learnt from what I did and I’m not going to do it anymore! Don’t you ever get tired of running, MacCready? You ran from the Gunners, you ran from Piper- from me! And now you’re doing it again! Must be nice, being able to leave everyone and everything behind!”

God, how could self destructive could I get? Why did I have to push him away? When all I wanted was to have him close!

_Nate._

_Nate._

_Nate._

That was why.

He didn’t say anything, just gave me a long hard look. Almost the moment the words left my mouth I was filled with guilt, but my hysteria, my pride, my self loathing, they wouldn’t allow me to apologize.

Instead, they made me watch him storm around the corner, leaving me alone in the crumbling brick hallway. It was as if I weighed a ton, as if gravity was trying to drag me towards the earth. Half of my body screamed to follow him, to stop him and to talk it out. The other half wanted to collapse to my knees and sob into the gravel at my feet.

I chose neither.

I swallowed, gritting my teeth and reigning in the onslaught of negative emotions. I buried my hurt, and frustration, and dejection, and I locked them away. People were depending on me and I wasn’t going to let them down like I had a month ago.

Mac would have to take a backseat for now.

******

As explained by Father, there was a Courser waiting for me not too far off from Bunker Hill. He was hiding in a small alley between rows of houses. Perched on the roof of a house down the road was Deacon, sniper rifle hopefully trained on the synths forehead. I prayed that since I was more experienced with weapons and had received a new gun that I’d upgraded a few times, killing this Courser would be a swifter, easier process than it was the first time.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said upon my arrival, completely lulled into a false sense of security.

“Not too long, I hope.”

The Courser took that as his cue to launch into a summary of the situation and I took that as my cue to make the signal that would tell Deacon now was the time to take the shot. I scratched the back of my head, side stepping to guarantee I wasn’t in the way.

There was a muted, high pitched whistle as the bullet passed me, burying itself in his skull. Blood sprayed over me but I ignored it, pulling out my gun and firing rapidly into the synths abdomen as he stumbled backwards. There was a crater in his forehead and I tried not to think about how any regular human would have died immediately, half their skull gone.

Seconds later another shot from Deacon made it’s way into the Courser’s cheekbone, shattering it.  

He fell backwards, limp, his Institute laser pistol that he never had the opportunity to use skittering across the tar. I dropped my hands to my side, exhaling loudly. That had gone much smoother than it had with Mac.

At the thought of him my stomach turned.

I needed to focus. I reloaded my gun, keeping myself hidden behind the houses. In the distance, I could hear gunshots and laserfire. There must have been Insitute reinforcements already at Bunker Hill. Footsteps reached my ears and I spun around, holding up my gun. It was just Deacon though.

“Alright, Charmer, you ready? I’m going to have to provide cover for the people fighting around the monument-”

“I know, I know. You’re staying out here and I’m going into the tunnels underneath.”

He quirked a brow, seemingly confused by my short tone, but didn’t comment.

“Good luck,” he said, giving me a meaningful look- at least I assumed he did. The sunglasses always made it hard to tell.

I nodded.

“You too.”

And then I was running towards the monument. As if alerted by my presence, a vertibird came from over the rooftops, it’s blades whirring loudly above me, blowing my hair around my face in curling tendrils.

Perfect. The Brotherhood of Steel.

I kept sprinting, reaching the outskirts of the monument, passing by Railroad members that were firing at the vertibirds and droves of older generation synths. My heart began to race as I grasped the scale of the attack. This wasn’t a few raiders or a camp of gunners. This was a full scale battle.

Bullets whipped past me, the cries of panicked civilians carrying over the fence of the monument. I gritted my teeth, willing myself to go faster. A member of the Brotherhood of Steel plummeted from above, power armor crunching loudly. They immediately engaged in battle with a nearby member of the Railroad and I pushed forward, ignoring my growing nerves.

Finally I made it inside the fence, weaving my way to a trapdoor behind a counter in the hub of Bunker Hill.

I dropped through it, the sound of gunfire carrying down the hallway in front of me. There was a thump, as someone landed behind me and my already fast heartbeat spiked. I spun around, aiming my gun in front of me.

Standing below the trapdoor was Mac, face molded into an irritated mask.

“The goddamn Brotherhood of Steel had to get involved?”

“Mac!” I cried, throwing my arms around his neck, leaning up on my tiptoes.

He didn’t hesitate, he immediately returned my embrace, and buried his face in my hair.  I said, “I’m so sorry. I was projecting- it wasn’t you, I’m sorry. I wasn’t being fair.”

“I’m sorry too. As much as it pains me to say that.”

I pulled away, grinning at him.

“You ready to help?”

“No, I was just stopping by to say I’m still not-”

“God, is Deacon rubbing off on you? Come on.”

I grabbed his wrist, tugging him towards the hallway. We hurried through the deteriorated  brick hall, stumbling upon a large open area filled with Brotherhood of Steel soldiers and synths fighting. We aided the Railroad members that were also apart of the mix, synths dropping like flies, the soldiers in power armor taking a little longer to neutralize.

When the room was cleared, MacCready and I checked in with a member of the Railroad and then pushed onward towards the escaped synths.

“We just joined a huge firefight and you didn’t get hurt,” Mac said, smirking.

“I know. I’m growing.”

“Or your luck came back.”

I shot him a glare.

“My luck never left.”

We wound through passage after long passage, making it to the room with the four terrified synths in a little over five minutes. Inside were four cowering synths and another Railroad member who looked equally as on edge.

“Please… just let us stay,” a female synth said.

“I’m here to protect you, not take you away. The tunnels are clear, there are no more Brotherhood of Steel or Institute soldiers down here. But fighting’s probably still happening on top, so wait until someone else comes to get you, okay?” I said to the synths and the Railroad agent.

“You’re Charmer, right?” he said, timid.

I smiled, hoping my bravado would be infectious.

“That’s me. What gave it away?”

He gestured to his eye.

“The scar.”

I sighed, entertained. Of course I noticed it in any reflection I saw, but I’d hoped it wasn’t such an eyesore. I wasn’t surprised to have it confirmed by two people now that it was.

Mac and I left, going back through the maze of stairs and hallways. We finished off the few remaining synths and Brotherhood members with the help of stray Railroad members. Then we made our way back to the entrance. I stopped Mac before we entered the hall, holding onto his coat.

“Mac, wait.”

“What’s wrong?” he said, concern coloring his words.

“N-nothing. I just… I’m really glad you came.”

A sincere smile lit his face, making my heart flutter.

“Yeah, me too.”

With that said, we kept going down the hall that lead to the trap door, the sound of grinding metal reaching my ears. Power armor. Mac must have heard it a split second before me, because he latched onto me, spinning just as gunfire crackled loudly from behind him.

Mac grimaced, clutching his eyes shut, his knees buckling.

 _“Mac?”_ I said, pulling him back into the hall. He stumbled after me, collapsing into the wall to my right, face still contorted in pain. My eyes darted all over him, checking for wounds. Blood began to seep through the front of his coat in three different places. _“Mac!”_

Tears sprang up in my eyes instantly and the world began to sway. No, no, no, how had this happened so fast?  We’d done it, we were leaving, we were going to get out of here and go somewhere safe. What had we done wrong?

“Are you… okay?” he ground out, wrapping an arm around his abdomen where the bullet wounds were scattered.

My brain seemed to come to a screeching halt, unable to process what was going on. But there were Brotherhood of Steel soldiers in the next room, probably preparing to converge on us. If they got here it was over for both of us. For Mac. He would die and it would be all my fault.  
I wrenched my backpack off, fumbling through it, trying to find my grenades in the cluttered mess through a thick layer of tears. My heart was pounding so hard it seemed like maybe it was coming up my throat, my pulse roaring in my ears.

I found a grenade, pulling the pin out with my teeth and hurling it into the room without really looking. Before it even went off I was grabbing another. It exploded and people cried out to my left and I immediately threw the second. I only had two left. I unpinned and threw the third, listening to it explode. There wasn’t screaming anymore. I threw the fourth just in case.

Next I began searching for a stimpak. There wasn’t one. I didn’t have any stimpaks. I had potato chips, sugar bombs, a mutfruit, buffout, rad X, a spare shirt, ammo, but no Stimpak.

“Vi, you’ve… gotta go…”

My eyes snapped up, tears pouring down my cheeks as if I were a leaking faucet.

_“What?"_

“I’m… I can’t run… I’ll just slow you down- you’ll get killed… if you try to take me with you…”

“No- no! No! Don’t fucking say that, I’m not leaving you! I can’t leave you, Mac. We’re going to get up there and we’re going to find stimpaks and I’m going to give you every goddamn one I find and you’re going to be okay.”

“Vi-”

I got to my feet, my legs shaking, my stomach hollow.

“Come on.”

I reached out but he just looked up at me sadly, wincing. Blood was coating his arm.

“Vi, I can’t-”

“Yes, you can, you just need to try, now come on.”

He extended a hand towards me and then inhaled sharply, hugging his abdomen again.

I dropped to my knees, pulling his arm around my shoulder, attempting to drag him into a standing position. He cried out in pain, but managed to get to his feet. I tried to pull myself together, helping him hobble to the ladder.

“I can’t climb that-”

“You have to,” I said firmly, still crying.

Abruptly, he went slack, collapsing. I held onto him, panic rising in my chest and I helped lean him against the wall. Lying a couple feet away from him was a dead soldier. It had only been one of them.

Mac’s eyes were lidded, blood on his mouth. I held his face and it was damp with sweat, his hair mussed and sticking to his forehead. “Mac, Mac, look at me, please, keep your eyes open, okay?”

His eyes flickered to mine, glazed over. And then he cringed, sucking in air and gripping his stomach. God, what was I going to do? I had no stimpaks, no bandages, no hope. I was going to have to search all of Bunker Hill for a stimpak without him. What if he died while I was gone?

His free hand grabbed mine, his fingers wet with blood and frozen.

“Violet… it’s okay… I’ve done terrible things….”

“I don’t care! Don’t say that- you don’t deserve to die!” I choked, hanging my head. “Not for me.”

The only reason he’d come here was for me, the only reason he’d taken the bullets was for me. It was all my fault. I had to go find a stimpak. But first I needed to do something for my sanity.

I undid the button of my shirt clumsily, peeling it off, leaving me in the same tanktop I’d worn when I’d gotten shot, the midsection ripped from when the raider had slashed me. I lifted his arm and pressed it to his wounds. He winced, but understood, applying pressure with his arm again.

“I know it’s hard, but keep pressing on them, okay? I’m going to get a stimpak, I’ll be back-”

I went to stand but the same hand he’d used before shot out, wrapping around mine. He pulled me close, so our faces were mere inches apart, eyes like an ocean tide.

“ _I’d die for you any day, Violet Kenner,_ you got that? You are the best thing that’s… ever happened to me. I-”

A wave of pain must have gone through him because he clenched his jaw, hissing, his eyes squeezing shut. I needed to go now.

“Stay with me, Mac, stay with me. Just wait and I’ll bring back a stimpak.”

“It’s a warzone up there-”

“Doesn’t matter! I’ll be back and I’ll help you. Please, just stay with me.”

I leaned forward, pressing my lips to his forehead, tears continuing to slip free. Then I stood, climbing up the ladder without looking back. What if that was my last chance to speak to MacCready? What if he died before I came back and he never knew how I felt for him?

 _Stop thinking that way_ , I told myself, pushing up the trap door. It seemed that the fighting had eased up, the distinct sound of gunfire over, and there were people milling about the hub, trying to restore some semblance of order.

“Does anyone have a stimpak?” I yelled, running forward, eyes scanning the shelves behind the counter. People were too hysterical to pay attention to me. “Please, I need a stimpak _right now!”_

“Charmer,” Deacon said, jogging forward, appearing out of nowhere, “What’s going on?”

“Do you have a stimpak?”

“Why? Are you hurt-”

“No, I’m fine, it’s not me! It’s Mac! Please, he’s dying, Deacon!”

I broke down, sobbing, grabbing onto his shirt to keep myself up.

“I’ve got one, I’ve got one, just show me where he is!”

My head snapped up and I reminded myself that falling apart now wasn’t going to help anyone -especially not Mac.I turned, hurrying to the trapdoor and wrenching it open. Deacon took the cue, dropping inside and I quickly followed him. Mac was still lying there with his hand on his abdomen, but his head had lolled to the side, his eyes closed.

“Mac?” I breathed, _“Mac!?”_

I fell to my knees, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him lightly.

“Jesus,” Deacon muttered, pulling out the stimpak, moving Mac’s and my shirt aside to stab it through his coat.

Mac didn’t react.

“Mac, Mac, come on, come on, please, Mac.”

I bent forward, pressing my ear to his chest. Very faintly, I could hear his heartbeat.

“Is he…?”

“He’s alive! He’s alive. We need to get him to a doctor, I don’t know what to do-”

“There’s a working Vertibird out there, we can get him in that and get him to Diamond City, okay?” He grabbed my shoulders, turning me. “Just calm down, Charmer. I already know what you’re doing, and it’s not your fault. He came here because he wanted to.”

Before I could speak, he stood, pulling me up with him.

“I need you to gather some Railroad men so they can help me get him out of here. Tell someone to prep the vertibird. Now let’s go!”

I nodded, throwing myself up the ladder. When I reached the top, I glanced down at Mac, who was still lying seemingly lifeless on the ground, back propped against the wall. If he died, I didn’t know what I would do.

I couldn’t lose him.

******

I hadn’t been allowed to go inside Home Plate after Mac was taken inside. Dr. Sun had immediately prepared to remove the bullets, telling everyone to wait outside until he was done. It was torturous.

Piper and I sat at the Power Noodles, both nursing bowls of noodles that neither of us really wanted. Deacon had been allowed inside to act as a runner for the doctor essentially. Mac’s blood was still on my hands, my arms, staining my tank top.

Eventually I heard the sound of my metal front door scraping open and whirled around, stumbling off of my stool. Deacon waved me forward and I threw myself towards him, my pulse racing.

“What happened, is he okay, can I see him?” I said as soon as I was close enough to be heard without yelling.

Deacon nodded.

I was about to push past him when he held onto one of my arms.

“Look, Charmer, I know you’re upset but you can’t stay here-”

“Like _hell_ I can’t! Mac’s hurt, I’m not going to leave him!”

“What good are you going to do being here? You’re not a doctor, you’re not magic! Whether you’re here or not isn’t going to improve his health or stop him from dying! All you’ll do is risk blowing your cover!”

Deacon had never snapped at me before- in fact, I wasn’t sure I’d ever heard him snap at anyone. I don’t know why I was surprised though, he was apart of the Railroad for a reason. The cause was his life and I was jeopardizing their most important mission yet.

My mouth hung open, words leaving me.

“Go see him but you’ve already been gone too long. Shaun’s going to be suspicious.”

I clenched my jaw, recovering my composure. Without responding, I walked into Home Plate, running towards the stairs and stumbling up them. Lying in my bed was MacCready, his eyes closed, his complexion sickly. Dr. Sun was kneeling beside the bed, packing his things back into his bag.

“How is he? Is he going to be okay?”

“I’ve removed the bullets, sewed him up and given him two stimpaks. The rest is up to him. He may heal, but it will take time. If you’d waited any longer to bring him to me it would have been too late. He should stay on bed rest for another week or two, depending on how he’s recovering, and even after that he should take it easy.”

With that said, he zipped up his bag and left. It was then that I realized Piper had come inside. My throat was thick and I blinked back tears, not wanting to cry in front of her.

“He’s gonna be okay, Blue,” she said.

Her words only brought me closer to hysterics.

“But it’s all my fault, Piper. He came there to protect _me_. He got shot because of _me_. If he dies… it’s because of me,” I said, staring at her with wild eyes.

Tears began to drip free and I covered my eyes with one hand, sobbing. With the other hand I gripped Mac’s exposed hand, holding on a little too tightly. Part of me wished the pressure would wake him up, but it didn’t.

Was he in a coma? Were doctors in the Wasteland equipped to deal with comas? Were there functional IVs? Would he just end up starving to death? Or die even earlier from dehydration?

Piper must have sensed that I was on a fast downward spiral, and she came to kneel beside me.

“It’s alright, Violet, calm down!”

It was then that I realized I’d been heaving quite loudly, my cheeks soaked. How could I calm down, though? I’d known so much loss, I wasn’t sure if I could survive more of it. Especially if it were HIM that I lost.

As much as I appreciated Piper trying to comfort me, I just wanted to be alone with him. Even if he wasn’t conscious. I reined in my emotions as best I could and I turned to Piper, sniffling.

“I-I have to go back to the Institute. I can’t stay here… I know he’s not awake, but I need to say goodbye… for now.”

“Of course,” she said, smiling sadly at me.

She hurried down the creaking stairs and a moment later I heard my front door open and close. I waited a couple seconds before I allowed myself to be wracked by sobs again.

I clenched my other hand around the one of his I’d already been holding, folding in on myself.

“I’m so sorry, Mac. This is all my fault.”

The irony of the situation was not lost on me. I’d originally hired him all those months ago so that I had someone to travel with that I didn’t care about. Now, he was the person I’d choose to be with over anyone else because I CARED about him the most. “Please… please, don’t leave me.”

Ten minutes passed but it felt like an eternity. There was no reaction on Mac’s part, the only signs of life was his steadily rising and falling chest. I knew if I took too long Deacon would come inside and tell me to leave again.

My heart ached in my chest, and I moved forward, gently pressing my lips to Mac’s forehead.

“I’ll be back, Mac,” I murmured, putting a hand on his face. My mind flashed to Nate lying in the cryopod, lifeless. My lips trembled but I managed to stifle my tears. “I promise. Please, don’t go.”

It took all my strength to pull myself away from him. The only thing that made it possible was my vow to tell him how I felt when I returned. No matter how terrifying it was, no matter how much it felt like a betrayal to Nate.

Because I never wanted to feel this way again. I never wanted to experience the terror I’d had at the thought of him dying before he could know how I felt for him.

So I would tell him, even if he didn’t feel the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays! I'm sorry for the late update, it's been a busy week! Expect a regularly scheduled update next Wednesday! Also, sorry for the angst but it's been planned for 600 years and also I like angst. Thank you for all the comments and thank you all for caring about my dog! He is okay! I was able to get the other dog off of him fast enough that all he had were two puncture wounds and I received one of my own on my thumb! But we're both okay and he is back to his normal self (he just has a silly shaved side that is still a little tender). Anyway, love you guys! In a few chapters... something's gonna happen... and it's gonna be cool...


	25. Worn out

The following month was in a word… horrible. Beginning with Shaun’s aggressive disappointment over the failure that was Bunker Hill and ending with a journey through and out of the Glowing Sea.

There were only three events that made the month survivable. The first was getting to execute the plan to collapse the construction tunnel with Z1, meaning the plan to free all the synths was finally being put into action. The second was finding the cure for Virgil -though that required me to sneak around the Insitute at night and to fight an Asaultron.

But the third event? That’s the one that really saved me.

It was the day after Shaun summoned me to a rooftop to interrogate me about Bunker Hill. The day after Shaun requested I come to the next Directorate meeting. The day before I was willed the reins of the Institute.

The day before I would discover my son was dying.

I was given one day of freedom before the meeting, and I chose to spend it beside MacCready. It wasn’t really a choice though. It was a violent pull, like a powerful magnet, a deafening call dragging me back to him.

I’d been greeted by Piper upon entering Home Plate, and although I’d been grateful to have someone watching over Mac, I couldn’t ignore the pang of jealousy I felt. I mentally berated myself. How stupid to feel something so juvenile when my best friend had almost been killed only yesterday.

Piper explained that Mac had woken up about an hour ago, but was pretty out of it, having been put on a couple chems that were serving as painkillers. Thankfully, she left to check on Nat, smart enough to know I didn’t want anyone spectating our reunion.

“Violet,” Mac breathed, his eyes lighting up the moment I came into view on the stairs. I closed the gap between us quickly, my knees thudding on the wooden floor. Mac sat up, flinching and inhaling sharply. I grabbed onto his shoulders, helping him lie back.

“Don’t hurt yourself even more, okay?” I said, ignoring the quaver in my voice.

“You’re back… I thought you’d get stuck in the Institute,” he said, cupping my cheek. “I missed you.”

My pulse quickened at his words, my palms sweating. He must have been pretty doped up and undoubtedly tired, because I’d only seen this kind of unabashed ardor in his eyes when he’d been drunk. Or after I’d helped him save Duncan’s life.

“I missed you too. I was so scared you might never wake up.”

His hand drifted away from my face and he instead began to play with a stray chunk of my hair, twirling it around his finger absently. I swallowed, hoping not to cry. “I’m so sorry, Mac, this is all-”

“Don’t you dare say it’s your fault. I chose to be there, I knew what I was doing.”

“But you wouldn’t have been there if you hadn’t wanted to protect me! I put you in harms way!”

I began to cry, and I buried my face in my hands, embarrassed. He released a quiet sound of pain and then his fingers wrapped around my wrists, gently prying my  hands away from my eyes. He had propped himself up against the wall.

“It’s okay, Vi-”

“No, it isn’t!” I cried, sobbing harder. “You don’t even believe in the Railroad! You shouldn’t have been there! I wish you hadn’t come…”

 

“I’m glad I did,” he said, clearly too tired to match my passion. I should have been letting him rest. “There are worse ways to die.”

“You shouldn’t have been killed for the Railroad! You don’t even care about them!”

“I wasn’t there for them, you idiot,” he muttered, tucking some hair behind my ear. I met his stare, having started to cry into my hands again at some point.

“What?”

“Just… never mind,” he said, examining my hair.

“I’m sorry,” I said, wiping my eyes, taking in a shaking breath. “I didn’t come here to yell at you.”

I pulled my backpack off of my shoulders, unzipping it with hands still damp from my tears. Before coming to see him, I’d spent a few hours scouring the surrounding buildings for a present for him. A thank you for everything he’d done for me.

I wrapped my hands around the small stack of comic books, each in varying condition, and slid them out of the bag. Immediately, Mac’s face lit up and he reached out for them, wincing, but not pulling back.

“You got me comics!?”

“Yup. I don’t know if you’ve read any of these before. The selection was limited.”

He looked up at me, his brows furrowed together.

“How did you know I liked comics?”

I scoffed.

“Because believe it or not, I have eyes and ears, Mac. I saw some up in the snipers nest back at the drive in. And you mentioned the other day only having seen green hills in comics. I took a leap and guessed you might enjoy them,” I said, positioning myself so that I was leaning against the wall beside him, my legs stretched out.

He grinned, examining each of their covers quickly, and then began to inspect the first one with more focus.

“I read one of these- a long time ago. Probably when I was ten.”

“So you’ll be okay rereading it?”

He just gave me a look that screamed that I was being stupid.

“Not that I’m not grateful, because I am,” he said, running a hand over the faded, slightly burned cover. “But why the gifts?”

It was my turn to give him the same look. He chuckled, nodding understandingly.

“You’re going to have to hang out here for a couple of weeks, so I figured you’d need some entertainment.”

His eyebrows shot up.

“A couple weeks!?” Then he yawned, and so did I. “...I don’t need-”

“Mac, you have three bullet wounds.”

He opened his mouth to argue, but instead he let out a groan that turned into another yawn. I added, “You should probably go back to sleep.”

He shook his head.

“Hell no. I’ve gotta read one of these first.”

I stretched my arms above my head, my back cracking.

“Well, I think I’m going to nap then. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in a few days.”

I was about to stand, sleep in the crappy armchair I kept downstairs when Mac cleared his throat.

“You know, this mattress is too big for one person. I can move over towards the wall and you could… I mean, if you want- I don’t know how much better it is than wherever you’re going.”

I did my best to ignore the butterflies in my stomach and the blush on his pallid cheeks.

“You’re hurt, I don’t want to-”

“I’m fine, Vi. I want you here.”

I still wasn’t used to him being so open about not disliking me and I almost asked him if he was being serious. Thankfully, I was able to remain composed, and I nodded. He slid over, cringing slightly, his side touching the wall. I scooted onto the mattress that was only a little higher than the floor, and laid on my side facing him. I swallowed, closing my eyes, knowing his proximity was going to make it a lot harder for me to fall asleep.

After a minute I heard the turning of pages and couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he was enjoying my present. My thoughts turned to my resolution I’d made yesterday.

When I woke up, I couldn’t waste anymore time. I would tell him how I felt. Even if I still hadn’t found the proper words to describe it to myself.

Unfortunately, Deacon had other plans.

It was dark when I finally pried my heavy eyes open. Lying beside me on his side was MacCready, his eyes closed, his lips parted ever so slightly, and his left hand resting on my waist.

At first, I’d gone rigid, trying to work out why the fuck I was sleeping in a bed with Mac. A split second later the memory of climbing into bed with him returned, and I relaxed. A little bit. My heart was pounding, and my palms were already beginning to sweat, but I wasn’t going to blow this by moving.

Although it was hard to see in the limited light of Home Plate, I could still make out his face. I traced his features with my eyes, coming to land on his lips last. I almost reached out, almost ran the tip of my finger across them, but I resisted. Or maybe I just didn’t have the guts.

The sound of the door opening echoed through the house like a gunshot, and I sat up, squeaking in shock. Mac jumped, letting out a ‘Hm-wha’ noise, looking around groggily.

“Charmer?” Deacon called.

Panickedly, as if I’d been caught doing something inappropriate, I stood, distancing myself from Mac. God, could I be more of a sixteen year old?

“Yes?”

My voice cracked. My voice actually cracked. That could be chalked up to the fact that I’d been awake for less than five minutes now, but I knew it was really because of my embarrassment.

I met Deacon at the bottom of the stairs and despite the lack of illumination in my house, he was still wearing his sunglasses.

“I didn’t expect you to be back soon- what are you doing?”

“Taking care of Mac.”

“Ah, so you finally did him in? How’d you do it? Smother him with a pillow?”

I just looked at him. He laughed, a lopsided grin on his face. “Too soon?”

“Nah, just bad,” I said, returning the smile. “What’s up?”

“Dez wants to talk to you ASAP. How long before you’ve gotta go back to the Institute?”

I sighed. Of course there was still work to be done.

“I have to go back in the morning.”

Deacon clapped his hands, rubbing them together.

“Perfect. Piper can come watch Mac and you and I can head to HQ.”

I wanted to say no. I wanted to send him away and return to my place beside Mac. I wanted him to cradle me in his arms and hold me until I fell into another bout of peaceful sleep.

I wanted the whole world to disappear except for me and him.

But it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t pause, wouldn’t allow me to seek solace with Mac. It was here to stay and it needed me to keep going.  So I bid farewell to a half asleep MacCready and followed Deacon out of Home Plate. I told Piper the situation and hugged her goodbye.

And then Deacon and I were on our way.

Back at HQ, Dez questioned me about Shaun’s reaction and demanded I stay in the Institute as long as I needed to make them believe I was truly loyal. I’d explained that Shaun wasn’t going to tell anyone about the results of Bunker Hill, but she was still insistent I stay.

“Shaun’s the one I’m worried about,” she’d said.

She’d had a point. The next morning I returned to the Institute in time to get ready for the Directorate meeting. I was already seated towards the end of the long table at the right of Shaun when the rest of the Directorate arrived.

“Sir, excuse me, but what exactly is she doing here?” Justin Ayo, the director of the Synth Retention Bureau said, casting an impatient glare my way.

He was one of the people I’d never quite managed to win over.

“I will address that issue, but there are other subjects that require our attention first,” Shaun said, a weight in his voice that I had only heard when I’d returned to the Institute after disappearing for a month.

For the next few minutes they discussed the status of the Commonwealth, mentioning the minutemen, the Brotherhood, and of course, the Railroad. Shaun nodded, thanking each of them for what they’d had to report and then continued, “It’s clear that our safety needs to be the primary concern going forward. To that end, where are we on Phase Three?”

Dr. Li glanced at me uncertainly. “Ah, sir, are you sure that this is the time to be discussing it? Given… well, considering all the parties present?”

“Ah, yes, that’s true.” Shaun made eye contact me and I did my best to hide my uneasiness. “Have you heard anything about Phase Three.”

Part of me wanted to lie. But I sensed that that wouldn’t make any sense, so I went with a safe, honest response.

“No.”

“That makes sense, the project has been classified for quite a long time. Power is, as I’m sure you’ve seen above ground, a very valuable commodity. I’m not talking about some abstract concept of control, I mean real, tangible power. The kind that keeps the lights on. With every advance the Institute makes, our need for raw power increases. For far too long we’ve been dependent on others, on our surroundings. That time is over. Phase Three is, simply, the activation of a nuclear reactor that can provide enough power to the Institute now and forever.”

“Sounds like an important step,” I offered.

This made Shaun smile.

“That’s… well, that’s an understatement. The reactor is close to ready, but we have a few tasks ahead of us. Thus, we come to Phase Three. And to how you can help.”

“Sir,” Ayo said, but before he could finish Shaun cut him off.

“Yes, Doctor Ayo. Previously we would rely on Kellogg for above ground operations, yes? Well, he is gone. While I’m not overly fond of putting my own mother in harm's way, she has proven more than capable of handling herself.”

“Y-yes, but-” Ayo began and again, Shaun silenced him.

“This is not a matter for debate. Now, there is one more subject that requires discussion.”

Now Clayton Holdren, the head of Bioscience, spoke up.

“I don’t know that this is the time…”

“Doctor Holdren, it’s time. Please.” Shaun looked at everyone in the room as he continued to talk, though at times he seemed to be avoiding meeting my stare. “As I’m sure several of you are already aware, I have been under Doctor Volkert’s care for some time. I’m sorry, this is… difficult for me.”

My stomach turned as I anticipated where this conversation was going.

“Our best efforts have failed. Every experimental treatment we could devise has been unsuccessful.” Now Shaun’s eye locked with mine. Nate’s eyes. “I’m… I’m sorry to say I am dying.”

The room was immediately filled with the outraged cries of the others. But not mine. I simply stared at him, willing him to say it was a joke. That this wasn’t really happening. Because how could the universe take him away from me too?

Yes, Shaun and I’s relationship was… unconventional, what with him being almost forty years my senior and with me planning to betray him in the near future. But that didn’t mean I didn’t love him though. I loved him with all my heart. I loved him even if I didn’t agree with him. Even if I was little afraid of what he had become. Furious at what the Institute had turned him into.

“Please, everyone,” he said, quieting the distraught voices around him, _“Please_. I am sorry. This is not how I’d wanted to tell you, but we’re running out of time.”

Finally, words returned to me.

“There must be something we can do to help you,” I said quietly, my voice trembling despite my best efforts.

“The only thing that matters now is continuing the Institute’s work. It will be alright, I assure you. We can talk more later. Right now, the future of the Institute is at stake.The Institute cannot survive without leadership. The Directorate must continue to govern with the best interests of all in mind.” Shaun cast an authoritative look at the rest of the group. “To that end, I am naming my mother as my successor.”

Once more the group began to yell, outraged.

“How can you possibly justify this?” Ayo snapped. “She isn’t one of us- she isn’t even a scientist!”

If I wasn’t so shocked I might have agreed with him.

Shaun glared at him, saying, “Ignoring your borderline-insubordinate tone, I will simply say this: The Institute has enough scientists. What it needs is a leader. I believe my mother has already proven herself more than capable in that regard. That will conclude this meeting. Thank you.”

We all sat in stunned silence for a split second and then they all began filing out of the room. I remained in my seat, frozen, bewildered. It felt like my head might fall off. One moment I was mourning for my son and the next I was being presented with control of a huge organization that _I didn't want_. The very organization I was working to bring down.

I suppose this was a success then. Dez would be thrilled. If I was the leader of the Institute then I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone doubting my loyalty. There wasn’t enough time for them to overthrow me either with the plan to free all the synths so close on the horizon.

My gaze fell to Shaun who was still seated next to me. His expression was… well, he seemed guilty. It was the least clinical I’d ever seen him, though he still appeared to be keeping his emotions in check.

“I… I had no idea,” I said, my throat tight.

“I know this… well, it’s a lot to take in at once. I’m sorry, mother. I hope it wasn’t too presumptuous of me to put you in charge without even asking first…”

 _Of course it was!_ Is what I wanted to say. _I’m not prepared for this in any way, shape or form! I hate the Institute!_

But I knew what needed to be said.

“I can do this, Shaun.”

He seemed relieved.

“Of course you can. That’s why I made the decision.” His blind belief in me made my chest ache and guilt flood through me. I kept up my poker face and he continued, “There’s no question that some of the Directorate, and the Institute at large, will need reassurances about your appointment. That’s why I’d like you to get more involved with what happens here, in the Institute. Rest for today, but tomorrow I want you to start… let us say, shadowing, the other members of the Directorate. If you’re going to run the Institute, you need to understand each department fully.”

I nodded, unwilling to talk for fear of breaking down.

“Thank you, mother,” he said, standing, and put a hand on my shoulder.

I smiled and my lips quivered as I struggled to remain composed.

“I don’t want to lose you, Shaun,” I said without thinking.

“I know this must be hard for you. I have had time to accept that this is how things are.”

“I just found you… and now-”

“It’s probably best not to dwell on it,” he interjected, seeming uncomfortable by my display of emotions.

It was as if his words had sapped the distress from my body. I was left with a heavy, hollow feeling instead, my limbs feeling as if they were filled with lead. A tear dripped free, but no more followed it as I stared at him with dead eyes.

“Yes, you’re right,” I said, wiping my cheek. “There’s still so much work to be done, I wouldn’t want to hold us back by mourning.”

“Precisely,” he said, either not noticing or choosing to ignore the hint of venom in my voice. “I will see you tomorrow.”

Taking that as my cue to leave, I strode out of the room and towards my quarters. For the rest of the day I just lied on my bed above the covers, staring at the spotless white ceiling.

Shaun’s word had the complete opposite effect on me than what he’d been going for. His dismissal of my grief had only strengthened my resolve to stop the Institute once and for all. I would go to Z1 and I would do whatever he needed to go through with the construction tunnel plan. I would find Virgil’s cure and I would bring it to him the second I was allowed to leave the Institute.

And finally, I would make all these goddamn monsters trust me so that they’d never suspect a thing from me. My betrayal would be devastating and earth shattering. I would pull the rug out from under them and I would laugh as they hit the ground.

Because they’d taken my son away from me. They destroyed the Shaun I might have raised. They’d twisted and warped him until he was an unfeeling robot of a man and I would make them pay for doing so.

Even if it meant hurting Shaun too.

For the following month I played the part of an eager trainee perfectly. I spent hours upon hours with each member of the Directorate, learning about of their specific departments. Thankfully, there was no written test, but I did my best to absorb what they were telling me. Or I daydreamed in a manner that I hoped was discrete. Some of them were open and willing about teaching me, like Allie Filmore and Clayton Holdren. Doctor Li and Justin Ayo were not as supportive.

Still, they begrudgingly spent time with me day after day, guiding me through the ins and outs of their departments.

Finally, when it had been a month and three days since Bunker Hill, I was presented with my opportunity to leave the Institute.

“You’ve really proven yourself over these past few weeks,” Shaun said, sitting in the room we’d had the Directorate meeting in. We’d had two since then, all revolving around Phase Three and helping me ease into my position as Director. “That’s why I’d like you to take charge of the latest operation. Doctor Filmore can fill you in on the details.”

The mission was to retrieve a beryllium agitator, and Allie insisted on joining me. Thankfully since she had grown to like me, it hadn’t been to hard to convince her not to take the risk. I mentioned the hundreds of dangers the Commonwealth offered, and although I was sure she’d heard of all these things before, she chose to let me go on my own.

If she came with me the only thing I’d be able to do would be get the agitator and come straight back. This way I could draw my time in the Commonwealth out. I would go to Virgil, I would go to Sanctuary and collect some things I wanted to take to Diamond City, and then I would go and see how Mac was doing.

Then I would I go get the agitator by myself. I wasn’t going to risk getting anyone else hurt by making them come with me. Worst case scenario, I would be killed because I didn’t have anyone watching my back.

But at least all my friends would be safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay next chapter is a big Mac chapter so I hope that makes up for the lateness and lameness of this chapter. I struggled to write this chapter because it was originally two chapters but I decided against that so had I to seriously condense some stuff. I hope it's not terrible and confusing. Thanks for the support guys, sorry it was late, writers block is a bitch and I was really busy from Monday to Wednesday. Love you!


	26. And left behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY, SO I SKIPPED A BUNCH OF THE SHIT THAT IT REQUIRES TO GET TO THE REACTOR LEVEL BECAUSE I'M AN ANIMAL. (Really it was because this chapter is already almost 5,000 words and I didn't want to make it longer with tedious searching for passwords and fighting of random brotherhood of steel soldiers.)

“I started to think you weren’t ever coming back,” Virgil said, staring down at the cure in his gigantic, green hands.

“I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you wait that long.”

“It’s alright. Honestly, I assumed you died.”

I laughed.

“Nope, not yet.”

He cleared his throat.

“Well, thank you for this. I was beginning to accept I was going to be this way forever. Not happily, though.”

“I hope it works,” I said, taking a couple steps back. “Now, I’m sorry, but I have to go. I don’t want to get stuck here at night.”

“Of course.”

I turned, heading towards the exit when Virgil called out.

“Did you find your son?”

I froze. I guess I hadn’t been back here since making it to the Institute. Still, it was upsetting. I was sick of explaining the circumstances to people. I clenched and unclenched my fists.

“Yes.”

Silence.

“Was he… what happened to him?”

“He’s fine. He’s the Director of the Institute, it turns out.”

“What!? But you’re so- Oh, my god. You’re the woman they left frozen.”

I nodded, smiling sadly, facing him.

“That’s me.”

We talked for a little longer as he attempted to wrap his head around the revelation and then I headed back out into the Glowing Sea. I’d chosen not to bring anyone with me this time- probably not my safest decision, but it meant I wasn’t putting anyone in danger.

The morning I’d left to return to the Institute, I’d told Deacon that when I came back, I’d go to Sanctuary. I wondered if anyone would be there waiting for me. I couldn’t believe I’d been locked up inside the Institute for a month. Like everyday before now, I wondered how Mac was doing.

There was a tiny voice in the back of my mind that whispered quiet worries about whether he’d survived. I’d only seen him once the day after he’d been shot, there was no way for me to know how quickly he’d recovered- if at all.

I did my best to ignore that voice.

At about 8:30 I made it across the bridge to Sanctuary Hills, feeling heavier than I had in a long time. To my surprise, sitting on the curb in front of my home patting Dogmeat was MacCready.

I’d never been so relieved in my life.

He was dressed in jeans and a white T-shirt, converse on his feet instead of his usual boots. He looked like he’d had to borrow out of Deacon’s wardrobe. Dogmeat barked as soon as I came into view, booking it towards me. Mac’s gaze followed him, a frown on his handsome face, only for his eyes to widen as soon as he saw me.

“Vi!”

Without thinking, I ran forward, passing Dogmeat who barked happily, chasing after me. Mac was grinning and I was about to throw my arms around him when I remembered his injuries.

“Should you be standing!?” I blurted, eyeing him as if he was going to be bleeding from somewhere. “Why are you here? You’re supposed to be resting in Diamond City, not traipsing all around the Commonwealth! How are you feeling?”

He laughed, pulling me into a hug.

“It’s good to see you too, Vi.” My heart fluttered, and I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms around him. “It’s been a month, I’m feeling fine, okay? Healing up nicely.”

He moved back, lifting his shirt to reveal the bullet wounds. They had been stitched closed, the skin puckered but not an angry red like I’d expected. It looked like some of the stitches had already begun to fall out.

“Do they hurt?”

“Eh, they’re okay.”

“Mac, I’m-”

“If you say you’re sorry, I think my head might explode,” he said, giving me a lopsided grin. I laughed, tucking some hair behind my ear.

“Alright, okay, okay, I’m sorry- Sorry for trying to say sorry, I mean,” I shook my head, looking down. “You just… you mean a lot to me, and I hate the idea that you got hurt for me.”

He slid his hand over my jaw, his fingers sliding into my hair, his thumb rubbing soft circles onto my cheekbone. My cheeks seemed to burst into flames and I knew my blush must have been visible.

“I know. But it was the right thing to do.”

“Dying for me-”

“I didn’t die though, Vi! Let’s just agree to disagree, alright?”

I sighed, smiling lightly and said, “Fine. So is anyone else here?”

“Piper visits every now and then, but she doesn’t want to leave Nat for too long and she doesn’t want to take her out of Diamond City. Nick and Deacon both come sleep here when they’re not on a job. And of course, Preston Garvey and his crew are always wondering around.”

“So it’s just you and me right now?” He nodded. “Well, what do you want to do?”

He gave me a long look, appearing conflicted, his lips pursed and his brow furrowed. Then he let out a huff of air, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… do you just wanna go talk?” he asked, a nervous strain to his voice that made my heart stutter.

I grinned up at him.

“Yeah. That sounds great.”

We walked side by side and I let him take the lead. To my surprise, he guided me into my house and then into my bedroom. Once we were inside I raised an eyebrow. He turned to face me, returning my confused stare.

“What- Oh. Oh, yeah, I uh… I’ve been staying in your room. I can start sleeping in the house next door again from now-”

I waved a hand dismissively.

“We’ll deal with that later.”

I strode past him, dropping my backpack on the floor and then plopped onto the bed. Dogmeat followed us in, his claws clicking on the ground. Mac and I watched as he curled up beside the bed, closing his eyes.

Then Mac stared down at me as if he had forgotten how to sit and I patted the spot beside me, an amused smile on my face. He rolled his eyes, sensing my patronization, and sat down next to me.

I swallowed, clasping my hands together in my lap, nestling into the wall.

“So, what’s the past month been like?”

He groaned, letting his head fall back against the wall.

“Boring as hell. And ya know how Deacon and I don’t exactly get along?” I nodded. “Yeah, all the quality time together hasn’t made it better. How was the Institute?”

I exhaled sharply, cringing.

“Think of the worst thing possible.”

“They found out you’re part of the Railroad and they killed you?” he said, craning his neck to look at me.

I shook my head, laughing bitterly.

“Close. They made me the Director.”

He choked on air, his eyes flying wide, and his jaw dropping.

“What- what!? Why!? Is Shaun retiring?”

Deciding I didn’t want to drag down the conversation yet, I dodged the question a little bit.

“Something like that. This whole past month they’ve been training me to take over for him when the time comes. It’s been awful. And I couldn’t find a reason to get out of there other than because I wanted to see you-” I met his stare and the moment I saw the ocean blue of his eyes, I lost my nerve. “And Deacon, and Piper and Nick. All of you. The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that I could shower.”

“God, I’m sorry,” he said and as if it were the most natural thing on earth he reached over and entwined his fingers with mine. I did my best to be just as nonchalant. “Everytime you go I think you’re not gonna come back. I convince myself. Cause in my head I won’t be as crushed if it finally does happen.”

I swallowed.

“Crushed?”

He laughed, bashful, looking away from me.

“Yeah, crushed, alright? You’re my best friend.”

“You’re mine too, Mac.” I took in a deep breath. Now was as good a time as any to tell him about Shaun. “Shaun isn’t retiring as the Director of the Institute.”

Mac raised an eyebrow.

“He’s not? Then why are you…?”

His question hung in the air for a moment.

“He’s dying.”

Silence filled the room. Although there was a pit in my stomach and my throat was thick, I didn’t start to cry. I was past crying. Mac’s eyes were wide, the light from a lantern on the desk flickering across them.

“Violet… I’m so sorry.”

 _Hold me,_ I wanted to say. _Please, just put your arms around me._ But I didn’t. Instead I looked at him sadly, trying to think of something to say. Part of my instinct was to blow off the topic, find a way to move on as fast as possible. But I wanted him to see me. All of me. Even if it was messy and sad and scary.

Wordlessly, he put an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his chest. I curled into him, letting my hair fall across my face so he couldn’t see my blush. Why was I blushing? It was only a hug, it didn’t mean anything. He was comforting me and that was all.

Through the thin cloth of his shirt I could hear his heart beating… and it was erratic.

Just like mine.

We remained like that for a few minutes, Mac dragging his fingers lightly up and down my back, my fingers clenched around his shirt. I’d closed my eyes pretty early on into the embrace and I found myself beginning to doze off.

“I’m so tired,” I said, nuzzling into his shirt.

When he spoke, his words equally as slurred as my own, as if he were also falling asleep.

“Then let’s sleep…”

I smiled softly.

“Okay.”

Before my consciousness slipped away, I made a mental note that I was going to need to leave for the Mass Fusion building before MacCready woke up. Yes, I knew it would be dangerous, but I was still determined to do it on my own.

When I woke up hours later, I was lying on my side, facing the desk. The lamp was out and through the broken wall I could see the smallest trace of the sun coming up over the mountains. I moved slightly, trying to wake myself up when I felt someone lying next to me.

Mac.

I peered over my shoulder. He was also lying on his side, his hair mussed from sleeping, his breathing deep and slow. We were lying in a way that our bodies were curved together, perfect puzzle pieces. I wished I could stay with him like this, enjoy the warmth of sleeping beside him for a little while longer.

But if I waited too long he would wake up and then it would be impossible to leave without him. Unless I managed to somehow knock him unconscious, which I could never do since the idea of being violent with him made me feel sick.

Slowly, I slid off of the bed, picking up my backpack and getting to my feet. I was about to dart out of the room already, but I imagined what it might be like to wake up and find him gone and decided leaving him a note was probably a good idea.

I crept over to my desk, opening the drawer where my diary lay and ripping a page out, cringing when it was louder than desired.

_Mac,_   
_I have to get a beryllium agitator for the Institute. Please,_

_please, please DO NOT FOLLOW ME. And don’t let Nick or_

_Piper try and come get me either. Or Deacon. I’m going to_

_do this by myself and then I’m going to come back to Sanctuary._

_-Violet May Flynn_

I almost felt nervous as I wrote my birth name. I’d mentally toyed with going by my maiden name again, thinking maybe it would help me heal- not cling onto my prewar life. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I figured I owed Mac since I’d made him tell me his full name the night before I’d left for the Institute.

I delicately placed the note on the pillow beside Mac and gave him one last wistful glance before leaving.

The sun crept all the way over the horizon as I walked, stretching it’s golden arms out, bringing life to the Commonwealth. Well, life might not have been the right word.

While I travelled, I formulated a plan. Allie hadn’t been certain where in the building the agitator might be. We’d speculated that it might be in the basement of building or maybe on the top floor. Of course, just to make things harder for me, the universe would probably put it in a random room in the middle of the skyscraper.

Allie and I had also discussed the possibility of the Brotherhood of Steel being in the Mass Fusion building, but I’d hoped we’d just been paranoid.

Unfortunately, instead, we’d been right.

When I made it through the broken glass doors, I’d expected to immediately stumble upon a feral ghoul, maybe a raider. But there was no one. I made my way further into the lobby, my feet crunching on debris and shards of glass.

That was when I heard the metallic sound of someone trundling around in power armor to my right. I turned my head in time to see a paladin come from out of a hallway, yelling as they spotted me.

“Don’t move! Identify yourself.”

I raised my hands above my head, Deliverer still curled in my fingers. Why had I raised my hands? I should have jumped over the desk in front of me and tried to pick him off.

“I’m sorry, I was just trying to find some food!” I lied, getting down on my knees, trying to look as nonthreatening as possible.

The soldier came closer, only a few feet away from me now. I had no idea how I was going to get out of this. He came to stand to my right, blocking my view of the doors with his hulking form.

“Drop your weapon,” he barked and I did so, internally cursing at myself.

That was when their was a loud crack, a gun being fired, and the back of the soldiers power armor began to smoke, opening up. I picked up my gun, aiming it forward, stepping to the side to see past the power armor.

MacCready was standing just inside the doorway, shooting the soldier twice before the man could turn around. My stomach dropped as I was slapped in the face by how quickly he’d found me.

He was wearing his coat again, the front stitched in the placed the bullets had come out. He stormed forward, pointing at me, ignoring the soldier collapsing.

“Violet May Flynn,” he said, coming to stand in front of me, jaw flexing. “You’re probably thinking I came here to cover you, but you’d be wrong. I came here to _kill you_.”

“Hello, Robert,” I said dismissively, walking in the direction that the Brotherhood member had come from. MacCready growled through his teeth, stalking after me.

“Are you actually insane, Vi? Why do you insist on making bad decisions!?”

I rolled my eyes, ignoring his questions.

“So how’d you find me so fast?”

“I woke up about five minutes after you left and it wasn't that hard to track you down.”

I sighed.

“Figures. You’re good at what you do.”

“Stop being so damn casual! You’re in trouble, missy!” he said, pointing at me again as we continued to navigate the building. I’d decided that since we were already on the first floor, I’d check the lower floors first and then wind back up.

“Missy?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“That’s what you’re going to choose to address!?”

“Jesus, Mac, you sure are wound up. Bad night's sleep?”

This seemed to catch him off guard and he snapped his mouth shut, eyes darting away from mine. I snickered, pretending that I myself wasn’t blushing. We talked a little bit as we made it down to a floor called the ‘Reactor Level’ and I took that as a good sign.

Thankfully, we didn’t run into anymore of the Brotherhood of Steel soldiers.

The room we entered was large, the opposite wall composed entirely of glass that separated us from another room filled halfway with water, metal platforms hanging above and wrapping around what I assumed was the reactor.

In a side room there were lockers containing hazmat suits, and MacCready grabbed one while I pulled on the one I’d brought in my backpack. Once we were dressed we walked into the decontamination chamber.

It sprayed us down and we entered the reactor room, our footsteps rattling the grated platform. We went up some stairs and passed a few consoles of computers, coming to the reactor itself. Inside the main compartment was a tube that I guessed was the beryllium agitator.

“It can’t be this easy,” I muttered, reaching out and twisting the handle of the agitator.

It slid out with a quiet pop sound and I removed it the rest of the way. Immediately, the light above us turned red, an alarm sounding. I sighed, my frustration making me feel heavier and I pulled off my backpack to store the agitator.

“Great. I wonder what kind of security this place still has,” he said.

“I’d rather not find out. Let’s just go.”

We hurried out of the reactor room but were forced to wait inside the decontamination chamber as were sprayed down again. The moment the thick metal doors slid open, we were greeted by a hail of turret fire. Both of us unloaded into the ones we could see, chunks of metal raining to the floor as we disposed of them.

We ran out of the doorway, heading up the stairs. MacCready yelled something, but I couldn’t hear it over the sound of the wailing alarm. It hadn’t been so bad in the reactor room or in the decontamination chamber.

I was about to ask him to repeat himself when two assaultrons came running through the door ahead of us.

“Oh shit!” I said, stumbling backwards, firing wildly at them and almost falling over a railing. MacCready yanked me down the stairs, making me crouch at the bottom with him.

“I said, ‘assaultrons’!” he shouted.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the dulcet tones of the alarm!”

We both crept up the stairs in time to almost bump into one of the assaultrons. Without thinking, I slammed my gun into the top of it’s head, and it returned my hit with it’s own. It swung it’s arm, hitting me in the chest and sending me tumbling down the stairs. I was grateful now that I hadn’t had time to remove the rounded helmet of the hazmat suit.

Mac said something, I think it was my name, unloading into the assaultron. I leaned up, ignoring the throbbing in my collar and finished it off with him. There was no time to recover though, because the second assaultron spotted us, it’s face opening up like a glowing flower.

“Mac, get down!” I said, tugging him him down so that we could take cover in the space beside the stairs.

The hot laser shot to the side of us, hitting the floor at the bottom of the stairs where we’d been a split second ago. When the laser stopped we popped up, shooting at the assaultron. It ran forward and we scrambled back, bumping into the window of the decontamination room.

The assaultron lunged forward, knocking Mac’s gun out of his hand and sending it skittering all the way across the lower level of the room. I emptied my clip into it while this all went down, breaking off chunks of it’s head. Mac pulled off his sniper rifle, cracking it over the assaultron’s head only for the rifle to break in half.

Mac looked devastated for a moment and then released a frustrated cry, stabbing the broken barrel of his sniper rifle into it’s chest. It fumed, twitching and dropping to the ground.

“That works,” I breathed, dropping against the wall. I searched through my backpack for some ammo. But I hadn’t brought any extra. How had I managed to do something so insanely stupid?

It was a good thing that we’d already killed the assaultrons.

That was when a door on the level above us opened, a massive sentry bot rolling out. “Jesus Christ!”

Mac’s head snapped up and I grabbed his wrist, dragging him into the contamination room. I hit the button beside the door, squealing as the sentry bot wheeled towards us at an alarming rate. The door shut and there was a loud slam, the metal denting in ever so slightly as the sentry bot rammed it’s body into the door.

MacCready and I stood there, staring at the only thing keeping us from being riddled with bullets. The door leading to reactor room was shut as well, so we both unscrewed our helmet’s, letting them drop to the floor. There was another slam as it tried to get past and I screamed, jumping ten feet out of my skin. MacCready grabbed me, turning me to face him.

“It’s okay,” he said, “we’re going to be okay.”

“How? I’ve just got us stuck in a tiny room without weapons and that door can only hold for so long, and even if it does hold, we’ll die in here, in what? Three days? Maybe four since I’ve got some potato chips in my bag?”

“All good points, but trust me, we’re going to be okay. It’s better we’re in here than out there,” he said while peeling off the rest of his hazmat suit.

“Since when are you the optimistic one?” I asked, my voice cracking a little.

Despite the window beside us that the sentry bot could be seen through, still attempting to break down the door, he smiled, brushing my loose hair behind my ear. My heart began to beat even faster for some inane reason.

“You bring it out in me, Vi.”

There was an especially loud thump and the door dented in a little more, making me wince. MacCready pulled me against his chest, locking his arms around me. I buried my face in his coat, gripping his back as if I were falling and he was the only thing keeping me up.

I turned my head, my throat thick and said, “Positivity aside, we’re definitely going to die, right?”

He leaned back a fraction so he could look at me and I craned my head up to meet his stare.

“Is this what I sound like?” he asked.

“A little bit, yeah.”

He looked forward, his jaw set in a determined scowl and he nodded.

“Well, next time we’re in a life or death situation and I start talking like that, feel free to hit me.”

“If there is a next time,” I said.

He grabbed my biceps, prying me off of him, and I almost whined at the loss of contact. He was the only thing stopping me from spiraling into total hysteria.

“Stop stealing my lines! We’re gonna be fine, we always are. You’re lucky, remember?”

“Did you tell anyone where you were going?”

“I-”

 _Slam!_ I flinched, shrieking and latching onto the front of his coat. The door made a high pitched squeal as it was hit, the metal beginning to give into the force of the sentry bot. MacCready gaped at the door, his eyes wide, dark in the dismal red light coming through the observation window. Thankfully the damned alarm wasn’t as loud from in here. “Okay, maybe we’re going to die.”

I hung my head and he stroked the back of my hair, gently pulling out the hair tie so that it fell in waves around my shoulders and down my back. My head snapped up and I frowned at him, puzzled.

“I like it down,” he murmured, his face closer to mine than expected.

“I didn’t know you liked it in general,” I said, my eyes flickering to his lips.

Why did I look at his lips?

He gave me a small, crooked smile. “I think you have the most beautiful hair in the Commonwealth.”

“That’s not hard to achieve when you’re the only one who hasn’t been exposed to a massive amount of radiation.”

He chuckled.

“Good point.” He swallowed, expression unreadable. “Violet, it’s not just your hair. I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the Commonwealth.”

The thudding of the sentry bot seemed distant, muted by his closeness, by the way he was cradling me against him, a hand on my waist, the other sliding across my back. It had been so long since I’d been touched by someone in this way. Yes, he’d hugged me and now we’d even slept beside each other, but this was different. This was intentionally intimate.

“Are you just telling me this because we’re going to die?”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it," he murmured.

Then my eyes were on his lips again, my fingers clenching tighter around his brown coat that had become so familiar. A comfort, even if I struggled to admit it to myself. Why should I lie to myself now though? We were trapped, doomed. Nothing beyond this room mattered anymore. It was our whole world.

And so I tugged him forward, leaning up on my toes to plant my lips on his, closing my eyes as I did. He went rigid against me and for a split second I thought he might push me away, might tell me he didn’t see me in that way. Of course, when you’re about to die, maybe you’d kiss someone even if you didn’t have feelings for them. Whether he did or not didn’t matter, because he softened, melted into me, lacing a hand into my hair and kissing me as if it had been all he was thinking about.

It almost knocked the wind out of me -how amazing it felt to be kissed by someone.

_How it felt to be kissed by him._

I’d known deep down I’d wanted him in this way, felt something deeply for him, but I couldn’t ever be honest with myself about it. I’d thought it was a betrayal to Nate and I was sure he’d never feel anything for someone after Lucy.

But if I really was being honest with myself?

I’d been in love with him for a long time now.

My hands glided up his chest, sliding around his neck and I pressed myself against him, still feeling too far away. I wished I’d taken off my hazmat suit, wanting there to be less between us. His hands went to my hips, the kiss escalating from warm to scalding hot, firey in seconds.

That was when there were three brisk knocks on the window and it occurred to me that the thudding had stopped. MacCready and I broke the kiss, turning our heads towards the glass in shock. Standing in the large room was Piper and Nick, the crumpled sentry bot lying in a pile behind them.

Nick had his hand to his forehead, his eyes closed as if he’d seen something truly disappointing, making me feel like a child whose father had caught them sneaking out to see a boy. Piper’s eyes were wide on the other hand, her mouth open and contorted into a disgusted sneer.

“Blue?” she said, voice slightly muffled by the glass. The same revulsion that was in her voice was on her face. “What are you doing?”

MacCready and I looked at each other and then them. We flew apart from each other as if one of us had been charged with electricity, both beginning to mumble an explanation.

“We were just-” he began only to have me cut him off.

“It’s not what it looks like-”

“I mean, we know what it looks like-”

“But it’s complicated-”

“We were freaking out-”

“We thought we were gonna die,” I finally said.

Piper laughed, throwing her head back overdramatically, her hands on her hips. Nick opened his eyes, glancing at her and then us, starting to laugh as well. I hung my head, my face red, not wanting to even look at MacCready now.

“Remind me to never get trapped in a room with you,” she said, “You’re very attractive, Blue, but it just wouldn’t work out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DON'T KNOW IF THE END OF THIS CHAPTER MADE YOU GUYS HAPPY BUT IT SURE MADE ME HAPPY. I WROTE THE PART WHERE THEY KISS ABOUT THE TIME THAT MAYEB THE 7TH CHAPTER WAS OUT SO I HAVE JUST BEEN WAITING TO GET TO POST IT. Anyway, thanks for always being so supportive! Writing this story has been one of the most rewarding things I've done creatively in a long time and it's because of you guys. Look, I know this is stupid, but I'm being serious, if you guys ever want to talk to me about the story outside of here, follow my video game blog http://viderojames.tumblr.com/ and then there's also my art blog where I post fan art of most fallout and dragon age http://summartblog.tumblr.com/  
> No hard feelings if you don't check them out! Just thought I'd give us another way to correspond (and also share my art and stuff weeeee). Anyway, love you guys, and can't wait to read your thoughts on this chapter. (I'm sorry it was kind of clunky up until the kiss)


	27. I have stories still to tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for a very long chapter where not a lot happens but also so much happens

Mac and I didn’t have a chance to discuss the kiss after that. We went back to Sanctuary with Piper and Nick, and it would be a cold day in hell before I had that sort of discussion in their company.

During the walk the two of us were mostly quiet, avoiding eye contact, making sure to stay at least three feet away from each other. Of course, I would gaze at him when he was listening to something Piper was saying, looking away the moment he seemed to notice my stare.

It was awful.

It was as if I’d been transported back to junior high. But I wasn’t a prepubescent teen anymore. I was a twenty-four year old widower who was stumbling around in the dark, unpractised when it came to loving for a second time.

Nate had been my first and only love up until now, and even then our relationship had been so much easier. Nate was generally jarringly open about his feelings, stunning me often at the beginning of our relationship with his frequent compliments and unbridled affection both verbal and physical.

But Mac?

I hadn’t even realized he’d found me attractive until he’d told me in the decontamination chamber. But our impending deaths made it hard for me to accept anything that had happened at face value. What if he just wanted to distract himself before we were mowed down by the sentry bot?

Flirting and kissing the person next to you sure would do the trick.

Waiting for us in Sanctuary was Deacon, leaning against a lamp post, bouncing one of his legs.

“Charmer!” he said, jogging over to us, grinning. “When did you get back?”

“Yesterday.”

“Where’ve you been-”

“This idiot decided to try and run around the Commonwealth on her own again,” Piper said, sticking a thumb in my direction.

I rolled my eyes.

“Thankfully my babysitters came and found me.”

“She says that, but she would have died without us. Both of you would have.”

She gave me and Mac a smirk and I turned my head to the left, glowering at the ground, my face hot. Deacon cleared his throat and from the corner of my eye I saw him scratch the back of his head.

“It feels like I’m missing something-”

“I have information for Dez,” I said, cutting him off.

I ignored Piper’s snicker as she and Nick kept walking. Mac sidestepped me, heading back to my house without a word. A pit formed in my stomach that I also chose not to think about- though I was unsuccessful. Was he mad that I didn’t want Deacon to know? Did he think I was ashamed of what I did?

Or was he angry because  _he_ was ashamed?

“Charmer?” Deacon said, clearing his throat once more. “You said you have news?”

I blinked, returning to the conversation and said, “Oh, uh, yes. The Institute sent me to go get a beryllium agitator so that they can construct a nuclear reactor that can power the Insitute forever.”

Deacon raised his eyebrows.

“That’s never good.”

I nodded, pushing my hair out of my eyes. It was still down from when Mac had freed it from it's hair tie. My mind snapped to his hands on my hips, his lips moving feverishly against my own. I did my best to smother the memories, focusing on Deacon.

“I know. But I’ve gotta get it back to them. In fact, I should already be heading back.”

“True. I’ll let Dez know. Anything else of note happen?”

“Um… oh, yeah! Shaun’s dying and they made me Director of the Institute.”

His jaw dropped and his eyebrows shot back up. For a moment he was speechless, something I’d rarely experienced with Deacon. He put a hand to his forehead, head angled down as if he were staring at the ground.

“Hmm, well, okay. I’ll admit, I didn’t expect that.”

I grinned, not wanting him to feel bad for me.

“Quite the plot twist, right?”

“That’s one way to put it. Are you alright?”

“Peachy.”

“I can’t believe you almost left without telling me that. A nuclear reactor’s one thing, but being promoted to the Institute's head honcho? Pretty relevant, Charmer,” he said, torn between being sympathetic, shocked, and mildly irritated.

I sighed.

“I know, I know. I guess I’ve been trying not to think about it. I’ve gotta say goodbye to everyone. Hopefully I don’t get stuck in the Institute for another month.”

“Agreed,” he muttered. I was about to walk around him when he reached out, grabbing my shoulder. “I know it doesn’t help, but I’m sorry about Shaun.”

I gave him a weak smile.

“Thanks, Dee.”

I strode out of his grasp and said goodbye to Piper and Nick first, giving them both hugs and promising  _again_ not to try and pull something like I had today. My words were met with blatant skepticism, which I didn’t blame them for. I’d been pulling this shit for what? Seven months? Or was it eight?

Once they were taken care of I headed into my house, my stomach flipping. Mac was leaning on the kitchen counter, his arms folded across his chest. Upon my entrance his eyes snapped up, widening a fraction.

“Hey-” I began.

“Look, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to-”

“I want to talk about it,” I said, regretting it almost immediately. I walked further into the room, continuing clumsily. “I mean, it’ll be worse if we just leave it at that, right? What I mean is- um- I think we should just… We don’t have to make it a big deal.”

He nodded.

“You’re right.”

“It was… Well, I thought we were going to die, and I thought it would be a good distraction from our untimely deaths.”

Why was I lying? Why wasn’t I throwing myself across the room and kissing him. Why wasn’t I tangling myself up in him, melting into him like I wanted to?

Because what if that wasn’t what he wanted?

What if he didn’t want me?

“No, no, exactly. I get it,” he said, nodding emphatically. “We don’t mean anything to each other.” He paused. “Uh, romantically, I mean.”

We both laughed, but the sound was off and awkward. Mac put a hand on my shoulder.

“You’re the closest I’ve been to anyone in a long time.”

“I know,” I said, smiling woodenly. Restrained. “You too. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

_I love you._

Mac’s hand slid down my arm, enveloping my own. Per the norm at this point, my heart rate climbed. God, why had I kissed him? Why had I let myself experience what it would like to be close to him?

Now his body, his arms, his lips, they all sang to me even louder than before. It was deafening, all consuming.

“You know, all I could think about while we were trapped in that room was how I didn’t want you to die. I didn’t care what happened to me as long as you lived.”

I squeezed his hand.

“Your life is worth the same as mine, okay, Mac?”

He scoffed.

“We both know that isn’t true.”

I frowned.

“I mean it.”

“So do I.”

I groaned, stepping away but letting my hand remain in his. How could we both say we didn’t mean anything to each other? Yes, this sort of thing could be platonic, but still. There was nothing platonic about the sparks surging through my fingertips, the way my skin seemed to hum where he made contact with it. How could this possibly be one sided?

“Will you stop doing that?”

He quirked a brow.

“Doing what?”

“Acting as if you’re some- some- I don’t know! Monster? You talk about yourself as if you’re the only person who’s ever made a mistake,” I said.

“Made a mistake? You’re putting it a little mildly, don’t you-”

“No! I don’t think that! Mac, you are one of the best people I’ve ever met.”

“I’m a hired killer!” he snapped, disgust in his voice. “Before I met you, I would have done anything if I knew there was a pile of caps waiting for me at the end!”

“Yes, but not anymore! In case you haven’t noticed, you’ve stuck with me for months- free of charge! All because you wanted to be helpful to me. You know what that is, Mac?” He looked away, his jaw flexing. “Selflessness.”

His eyes flickered back to mine, mirroring my frustration.

“Trust me, Vi, I’m here for completely selfish reasons.”

This stumped me and my mouth remained agape as I tried to think of a way to respond. What could he possibly mean by that? “Don’t you need to go back to the Institute?”

My heart sunk and I raised my eyebrows at him, feeling as if I’d been punched in the stomach. I dropped his hand, tucking some hair behind my ear, eyes downcast.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, pushing a hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

I backward towards the door, still unable to look at him.

“No, it’s fine. You’re right.”

“Violet, wait, I’m sorry-”

“I’ll see you when I get back.”

******

_As soon as your back we’ll be able to complete work on the reactor._

Shaun’s words echoed through my head as I wove my way through Diamond City. After giving Allie the agitator, I’d had three days of peace. No one had requested anything of me, no one spoke to me, no one knocked on my door. It was as if they sensed the foul mood I’d been in since speaking to Mac.

But then on the fourth day I’d been summoned to Shaun’s room and he’d requested I write a speech to record that afternoon that would inform the Commonwealth that the Institute wasn’t as scary as they’d thought. Feigning excitement, I did so, at war with  
myself about whether to write a good speech, or a bad one, settling on an eloquently worded one with a weak argument.

Once it had been recorded, Shaun had ordered me to go to Diamond City and boost the Institute’s signal so anyone in the Commonwealth listening to a radio could hear what I had to say. So I’d broken into the radioshack, exchanging some of the old tech in there with newer parts given to me by the Institute and then slipped out unseen.

The fact that no one had caught me did little to comfort me though. The Institute was getting closer and closer to achieving its goals, most that I was still unsure of. As far I knew, all they had planned for the near future was getting their reactor up and running and eliminating their enemies.

Unfortunately, the Railroad fit into that category.

What also didn’t help my fraying nerves was the rapidly approaching escape of all the synths. The day I would have to finally betray my son, who I loved, but who was also a cold hearted slave driver.

All these thoughts were what drove me to the Dugout Inn where I’d planned to drink as much as I could. I wanted to drown out my coherent thoughts. I shoved open the door, my eyes lifting to the counter only for me to come to a screeching halt due to what I saw.

Leaning over the counter, talking to Vadim, was MacCready.

My intention was to immediately back out of the inn, knowing speaking to him was only going to make my bad mood worse. Unfortunately for me, as I spun around, my hip bumped a side table next to one of the couches, knocking someone’s glass unto the floor. It shattered loudly, silencing everyone in the inn.

I froze, cringing.

“Violet?” Mac called.

I slowly turned to face the counter, biting my lip, my muslces tensed.

“Hey, Mac. So Vadim, what do I owe you for the glass?”

Vadim was laughing, shaking his head.

“Why don’t you just come buy some Bobrov’s Best Moonshine?” he said in his thick accent, waving me over.

If only I’d died in that vault instead of having to deal with this situation. Mac was smirking at me as I approached, though it wasn’t as relaxed as usual. I supposed awkward post-kissing arguments would do that to a person.

Vadim already had the bottle of moonshine on the counter, the cap popped off.

I took hold of the room temperature drink, gulping some down, wanting to be drunk as fast as possible. I talked with Vadim and Mac for a few minutes, the conversation meaningless, and barely serving as a distraction from my discomfort. Eventually Vadim had to serve someone else a drink and began to chat with them instead, leaving Mac and I at the end of the bar by ourselves.

He sighed.

“Look, Violet, I’m sorry-”

I shook my head, swallowing a mouthful of the moonshine.

“No, no, it’s fine. Let’s just forget all that alright?”

There was a moment of silence.

“When’d you get back?” he asked, his tone suggesting I’d been avoiding him.

“About an hour ago,” I said, raising my bottle to my lips again.

The drink tasted awful, but my arms were already beginning to feel lighter, my cheeks warm. He nodded, drinking from his own bottle. I finished my first bottle in silence and as if Vadim sensed my troubles, he placed another one on the counter, walking back to the other end of the bar. I chugged part of the new bottle, grimacing. “I really didn’t expect to find you here.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“I thought I might have… more time to emotionally prepare myself.”

He quirked a brow.

“Oh, yeah? For what?”

“Interacting with people. I’ve been locked up in my room at the Institute this whole time. It’s been nice.”

Mac scoffed, rolling his eyes, drinking. His cheeks were red, and judging by the empty bottle beside my own, this wasn’t his first drink either.

“I’m so sorry, maybe I should go.”

My heart sunk. Regardless of my embarrassment and hurt from my assumed unrequited love, I still wanted to be around him. Always. Even if it was awkward, or scary, or exasperating. I hid my longing for him, shaking my head and drinking.

“Shut up.”

After a little while we moved to one of the couches, each starting our third bottles. Now I was really feeling it. My plan had been to walk back to Sanctuary and stay the night there but at this rate I was going to have to book a room here.

As expected, as we became more at ease with each other, the alcohol dissolving all the underlying tension between us, we moved closer to one another. We angled our bodies toward each other, our knees touching, his arm slung across the back of the couch, his fingers idly fiddling with my waving hair.

_God, I love you. Say it, you stupid coward! Tell him._

Instead I asked, “Why’d you come here tonight, Mac?”

He watched his fingers, expression unreadable.

“Same reason as you. Came to drink.”

“And what exactly are  _you_ trying to forget?” I asked, my words slurring.

The pause between my question and his answer seemed like a century and before he spoke he made steady eye contact with me, but it didn’t make him any less hard to read.

“You.”

This might have been easier to comprehend if I hadn’t convinced myself he felt nothing romantically towards me and if I hadn’t been basically drunk and if I hadn’t been a complete idiot. But I had and I was and so I took offence to what he’d said.

_“What?”_

He shook his head, standing, swaying a little.

“Don’t worry about it, Vi.”

And then he was walking towards the door and I watched him go, too stunned to follow him for a moment. But I couldn’t just let him leave, not after that. Fumbling with my bag of caps I kept in my backpack, I tossed it onto the counter, grossly over paying for our drinks.

“Mac, wait!” I called, stumbling out of the inn. He was already rounding the corner and I hurried after him. He was heading towards the stairs out of Diamond City, ignoring me. I ground my teeth, fighting against my inebriation and gaining enough speed to end up beside him. “You cannot say something like that and then ignore me!”

“Are you sure?” he asked, glancing down at me.

It took me a moment to think of a response.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

He didn’t reply and we made our way out of the entrance. It was about seven o’clock at night, but the sunset was masked by the dark swirling clouds of an oncoming storm. I let out a frustrated growl. “Where are you even going!?”

“Sanctuary.”

“So you’re going to ditch me... by going back to _my house?"_

He was silent for a moment.

“No. Yes. I dunno. I realize now... that this was a flawed plan. Shut up.”

Lightning flashed and I jumped, barely able to stay upright, thunder rumbling loudly seconds later. My eyes darted to the sky and now I could see the green hue of the clouds. “Son of a- we need to get to cover."

I nodded and he took my hand, leading me towards a house on the outskirts of the city. The door opened without protest and thankfully there wasn’t any feral ghouls or other nasties inside. I shut the door, pulling my hand from Mac’s, folding my arms.

“Look… Violet,” he said, rubbing a hand over his face. “Can we just not?”

“Not what?”

He gestured between us, surprisingly animated.

“This. Be mad at each other. I’m sorry I’m an asshole sometimes… I am. Trust me, I hate myself enough for the two of us, okay?”

I sighed, resting my shoulder on the wall to prevent myself from falling over.

“Mac, you know I don’t hate you. In fact, I… I care about you a whole bunch,” I mumbled.

Jesus, even drunk I couldn’t be honest with him about my feelings. He scratched the back of his neck, unable to look at me. I wished I could read his mind. He was the closest I’d been to someone since waking up and yet it was still like he was written in a foreign language. Occasionally I’d find words I understood, but never enough to make out a sentence. “I just… can we go to bed?”

“I guess we are going to be stuck here for a few hours,” he said, nodding.

We made our way up the stairs, finding our way through the dilapidated home with ease, though dodging the random holes in the wooden floor was a little harder in our drunken states. The bedroom was just as sparsely furnished as the rest of the house, either due to being looted or objects being destroyed when the bombs fell.

What was left in the room was a decently intact dresser, and a collapsed bed, the mattress resting on a pile of wood. The only part of the bed frame that had survived was the backboard. We both approached the bed and without hesitation I climbed on, almost toppling over immediately.

“I can… take the floor…” Mac muttered.

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed his wrist, yanking him forward. He lost his balance, barely catching himself with his free hand, his face inches from mine. For a moment we just stared at each other, hearts pounding- both of ours, I was sure of it.

Then he swallowed and I released him, lying down on my side, eyes on him. He did the same.

“Well,” I said, clearling my throat. “Good night.”

Every time we’d slept in the same bed before now, we’d fallen asleep by accident, there had been no need for good nights. Now, us sharing a bed was fully intentional, and it only brought my mind back to when I’d kissed him.

I could remember it with such clarity that it was as if his lips were still on mine, his arms still around me.

My eyes were closed, my heart thrumming in my chest- hard enough that I was certain that he could feel it pushing against my rib cage. His hand slid over my waist and down my hip, causing my eyes to flicker open. He was watching me, his expression unreadable, his face mere inches from mine again.

“Hi,” I said, my voice barely audible over the sound of thunder, lightning illuminating the room for a split second.

“Hi.”

His hand drifted to my thigh, his touch gentle but fiery and it felt like my jeans might burn up in the wake of his fingertips.

My hands seemed to reach out of their own accord, grazing over his chest, one making its way up to his jaw. My fingers wove themselves into the hair at the back of his head and his expression somehow softened even more.

“This doesn't mean anything, does it?” I murmured, calling back to what we’d said to each other in Sanctuary.

I was so close to him that I could easily lean into him, envelop myself in his strong arms and press my lips to his. But I didn’t. Because even through the haze of the alcohol and exhaustion, I was afraid. I was afraid I really meant nothing to him.

He hadn’t spoken yet and his hand glided back to my hip bone, brushing across the dip of my lower back, raising goosebumps on my skin.

“No,” he said, but there was a strange waver to his voice. I swallowed, my hand moving to cup his cheek.

“What are we doing?”

“I… I don't know,” he confessed.

Suddenly, he gripped my hip, yanking me towards him, our bodies only separated by the thin layer of clothing we both wore. His lips crashed onto mine, unyielding and ravenous, eliciting a moan from within me. He broke the kiss far before I was ready, and my breathing hitched in dissatisfaction.

He bowed his head, his lips making contact with the exposed skin of my collarbone, his warm breath causing me to shiver. I bit my lip, my chest tightening from the contact.

“Mac…”

He wrapped his arm around my waist, grinding his hips into mine, a growl surging from his chest. I gasped clutching him to myself, my eyes clenching shut.

“I want you…” he said, strained.

Why hadn’t I gotten drunk with him before this?

“This doesn't mean anything,” I said, the tone insistent, a desperate whine.

A lie, at least for me. Because this was going to only hurt me more. Yes, Mac was undeniably physically attracted to me, but that was it. It was pure, animalistic attraction. It wasn’t what I felt for him. It wasn’t irrevocable love.

His hand that had been trapped between us slid along my jaw and he moved away from my chest, slamming his lips back to mine.

Immediately I deepened the kiss, crushing myself against him as tightly as I could manage, my lips moving feverishly with his. His hand tangled in my hair, his grip tight and he lightly pulled me back, breaking our lips apart.

“You don't mean anything to me,” he growled, his lips red from the pressure. While he spoke he fumbled with the buttons of his coat, peeling it off and throwing it to the floor.

“This doesn't mean anything.”

And then we were kissing again and his body was moving with mine in such a way that it choked all the air from my lungs. _“Mac…”_

He gripped me harder, flipping us over so that he was on top of me, one hand placed beside my head to support himself, the other one curling around my ribs to my back. His mouth was unrelenting, a wildfire, impossible to sate.

My legs locked around his waist, clenching my hands in his shirt, rolling my hips into his. In response he released a choked breath, fingers digging into my back on one side.

“ _Jesus,_ Violet-”

And as abruptly as it all start, it ended, MacCready wrenching himself off of me, stumbling onto his feet. He turned away from me, panting, I leaned up on my elbows, my chest heaving. “I can't… You don't…”

Disappointment crashed through me and I sat up all the way, hanging my head.

“It didn't mean anything,” I muttered, my pulse still racing for an entirely different reason now. He was silent and he picked his coat up off of the floor, pulling it on.

“Violet, I-”

“It's fine. We’ve been drinking. We don't mean anything to each other.”

He turned partially, a glint in his eyes, his face barely visible in the moonlight that made it through the broken ceiling.

“You don't mean anything to me,” he said, more to himself then to me.

“I know,” I snapped. “I get it. It was just another mistake.”

He closed his eyes, massaging the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger.

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be, MacCready. I’m not upset.”

He glanced at me, his profile still the only thing visible to me.

“You sound upset,” he said, and it was clear he’d been hesitant to do so.

“Why would I be upset? I’m not upset for the same reason you’re not,” I said, taking advantage of the fact he wasn’t facing me to grind my teeth. “Because why risk ruining our friendship when we don’t even have romantic feelings for each other?”

Silence spread throughout the room, the only other sound the distant rumble of thunder. Mac swallowed, nodding robotically.

“Exactly.”

Everything could have been over then. We could have moved on from the accidental kiss that had just happened, and I could have tried to move on from him and everything could have been fine. But I was dumb, and I was hurt, and I was in love and inexperienced when it came to not having my feelings reciprocated so I did what dumb people did, and I opened my big stupid mouth.

“We both know why I kissed you in the Mass Fusion building, but why did you kiss me just then?”

“So you  _are_ upset,” he said, finally turning and making eye contact.

“No, I’m just curious.”

“I don’t know, okay? Can we just drop it?”

I got off of the mattress, stumbling a little, still tipsy. That wasn’t going to help the situation.

“No, I wanna know-”

“Well, I don’t wanna talk about it, so leave it alone!”

I sauntered over to him, my face warm, my heart pounding erratically in my chest. The sober part of my brain suggested I stop, but unfortunately, right now they were not piloting the vehicle, Bobrov’s Best Moonshine was, and so I did not stop.

“Why do you always do this?” I said, jabbing my finger into his chest. “Always with the question dodging. THE RUNNING. I still don’t know what I did to make you leave the drive in all those months ago. And now you won’t answer this question? If I don’t mean  
anything to you romantically, then it shouldn’t matter why you kissed me.”

Mac sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Vi, you’re drunk, just go to sleep and I’ll take first watch-”

“No! No. You do not get to do that. I’m not drunk, if I’m anything, I’m buzzed and so are you. Don’t try and invalidate me. Why did you leave?”

“What? I thought you wanted to know why I kissed you?” he said, edging backwards towards the door of the room, as if maybe he could make a break for it.

I closed in one him, putting a hand on the door beside his shoulder, wishing I were tall or intimidating. But I wasn’t, I was sad, and small- an insignificant pest. I wasn’t what he wanted, and no amount of prying could create feelings within him that he didn’t have.

And yet I refused to stop pushing.

“Both preferably.”

His eyes were locked with mine, not quite glaring at me, but evidently unhappy. I was annoying him like I always did. I spoke before he could, my voice softer, but still insistent. “Tell me I don’t mean anything to you.”

“You’re my friend, Vi…”

“I know that. You’re my friend too, Mac. But… you don’t mean something to me in THAT way… so tell me the truth. Tell me you don’t see me romantically. Because how could you?”

“Vi-”

“And how could I feel anything for you? You’ve fucked me over so many times-”

“Hey,” he snapped, breaking away from the door, but not forcing me back. “That’s not fair- you know that’s not fair. It’s been... months since I’ve screwed you over! And what about what you’ve done to me?”

Perfect. He was angry with me now. Openly infuriated by me. This was what I needed. This would make things easier. How could I love someone who was undeniably repulsed by me? This was what I needed. This was what I needed.

So I pushed him.

“What I’ve done to you isn’t comparable!”

 _“Bullshit!_ ” he snarled, and as if he’d hit me, I backed away from him. He’d sworn. The worst thing MacCready had ever said in front of me was damn.

He was fuming, taking in heavy breaths through his nose, his fists clenched. In the moonlight I could see his flushed skin, see the alcohol in his system taking control like it was in me. “You left for a _month_ , Vi. You disappeared without a trace! And I waited for you! I waited and waited, and you never came back! I had to  _bring_ you back!” he paused, breathing, quieter when he spoke again. “At least I came back on my own.”

He was right. Whatever he’d put me through, I’d abandoned him for an entire month. If he’d done that to me, I would be bitter too. Of course he’d been holding this above my head all this time. I deserved it.

“Then say it, Mac, say it!” I said, tears in my eyes, clenching my jaw. “Tell me how you really feel!”

“I don’t understand what you want from me!”

Suddenly he was exasperated, not nearly as angry as he had been a second ago.

“I want you to tell me you don’t want me! That you don’t see me romantically! Because I don’t see you that way. How could I?”

His mouth was ajar, his brow furrowed. He looked sad. He seemed genuinely hurt by what I said. It didn’t make sense. This was supposed to be painful for me, not him. I continued, encouraged by the alcohol. “I don’t choose you, MacCready. I could never choose you. And you would never choose me.”

Mac flexed his jaw, swallowing, his face hardening.

“You’re right. I wouldn’t. I don’t.”

“Good. I wouldn’t want you to! We don’t mean anything to each other, and I am glad- _so, so glad!”_

“Me too, Vi. You have made it abundantly clear that there is nothing real between us. You want to know why I kissed you?”

I nodded, bracing for impact. “Because I’m drunk… and you were the nearest warm body.”

My chest tightened, and it took all my self preservation not to react outwardly. My heart shattered in my chest, fragmenting, cutting me up inside. This was what I needed. The little light within my brain that had secretly hoped he would confess that he did it because he loved me too was smothered. I nodded again.

“I’m taking first watch,” he said, his tone icy, opening the shack door and slamming it shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever written a story outline... but then you feel confident enough in it that you don't consult it... and then you accidentally write something that you planned to have happen in this chapter happen like 2 or 3 chapters ago... so you're fucked? Cause that's what happened to me. Mac and Vi were supposed to go to the Glowing Sea this chapter but I'm a big idiot and just kind of threw that into chapter 24 or 25 or something. So now we have this jumbled mess. You are welcome. I mean, I already knew this chapter was going to end with the whole drunken make out/fight, but the middle shitty part was what professionals like me like to call improve B)
> 
> ANyway, enjoy, thanks for all the support! I love you all!!!!!! (I promise Vi and Mac will stop being idiots REAL SOON. JUST HANG IN THERE. THEY'VE BOTH BEEN THROUGH A LOT.)


	28. They're of the healing kind

“My mother and I couldn’t be more proud of what you have helped us accomplish. And we look forward to achieving even greater things in the future. The Institute is now truly mankind's best hope. Thank you… all of you.”

The small crowd of people standing on the ground below clapped, cheering as the reactor came to life. Shaun and I were side by side on a platform next to the reactor, and he grinned at me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “This couldn't have been done without you, mother.”

I smiled, a pit in my stomach.

“You've all gotten pretty far without me until now, you should be patting yourselves on the back.”

“This was a collaborative effort!” He insisted, happier than I'd ever seen him. It made my heart ache. “You are the future of the Institute.”

I only offered another smile in response.

Shaun and I exited the reactor room, him leaving me to attend my first Directorate meeting alone. It was hard not to dwell on how pointless listening to whatever they all had to say was, seeing as my end goal was to destroy the Institute. But my boredom was quickly erased upon them announcing their intentions to get rid of the Brotherhood of Steel.

“Oh- uh, yes. Well, I suppose that would be a smart plan.”

And that was that. We attended to a few more trivial matters and then the meeting ended. As we all stood, preparing to separate, a synth ran in.

“Apologies. I have an urgent message from Z1-14, ma’am. Your quarters have flooded. There is danger of extensive damage to your personal effects.”

Hearing this had something to do with Z1-14 immediately clued me into the fact that something else was going on. But I pretended to be concerned, hurrying towards the door.

“Thank you, I’ll go right away.”

He was waiting for me in my room, clearly troubled, speaking with more emotion than he ever had before.

“You must act now. The Brotherhood of Steel has discovered the location of the Railroad.”

“Holy shit- How!? I have to warn them!” I hissed, alarmed- afraid, but not wanting my voice to carry beyond the sliding door.

“I was hoping for more time to organize our rebellion but it’s clear we cannot delay. Once you secure the Railroad against the Brotherhood tell your people we are ready to fight,” he said, passion lacing his words. “Go. Now.”

I nodded, rushing out of the room, my high heels clicking against the floor. I’d worn a dress for the ceremony, braiding my hair into an elaborate bun and even putting on lipstick. Not an ideal outfit for defending HQ from an impending attack from the Brotherhood, but there wasn’t time to change.

Before I could get to the relay room, Shaun stepped into view, stoic.

“Hello, mother. May I speak to you privately?”

_No, no, hell no!_

“Of course.”

My stomach flipped and my head spun as I allowed him to lead me to his room. He was silent during the entirety of the short walk which I was grateful for. I wasn’t sure if I could handle small talk while my mind was moving at a hundred miles an hour.

As soon as the door slid shut, he spoke again, “You know, mother, it’s no secret that you worked with the Railroad in order to first reach the Institute. The depth of your involvement has been called into question, repeatedly. I’m sure you can guess by whom. But the question is: where do you stand with them now? Do you count them amongst your allies?”

Before I could fully consider my words, I blurted, “Of course not.”

“Good. Because the time has come to put an end to them. For our sake. For our future. I know this is a grim task, but I’m afraid it is an order. The Railroad leadership needs to be eliminated. I expect a report when it’s done.”

“O-of course,” I said, unable to completely smother my horror and whether Shaun noticed or not was unclear through his stony expression. “I’ll be back when it’s done.”

"Oh, and mother... there are a few things I need to discuss with you when you return... important and _purely_ confidential things, so please, don't be long."

I nodded and spun around, fighting through the urge to tense every muscle in my body. I strode robotically through the Institute, trying to keep my panic buried. I was too stressed to ponder his cryptic parting words. I’d known things were coming to a close but I hadn’t expected it to be… well, now. My heart was pounding, skin tingling at the back of my neck, sweat gathering in my palms.

For once I didn’t have to teleport somewhere else for fear of the Institute tracking me to HQ. I appeared outside of the church, shoving inside and running clumsily to the stairs of the catacombs.

When I got inside HQ Deacon and Dez were waiting for me, both concerned, probably having watched me race to see them. Deacon caught me, preventing me from hitting his chest.

“He knows,” I said, panting. “Shaun, he ordered me to kill all of you- But the Brotherhood of Steel is coming. We have to get out of here- we have to fight- we have to do something!”

“What!? What are you talking about?” Dez said, fear leaking onto her face for the first time since I'd met her.

“Do you know when they’re coming-”

As if on cue there was a loud _bang_ that cut off Deacon's question and dust drifted down from the stone ceiling above us. Dez and Deacon exchanged a wary glance as everyone in the room began to murmur, confused, scared.

“Everyone mobilize! We’ve got Brotherhood incoming!” Dez yelled, storming to where her pistol lay on the large map. Then she walked over to a nearby metal cart, picking up a giant gun that looked more like a small cannon than anything else. She came back to me as people scattered, picking up weapons and supplies. “Take this, Tom made it for you.”

She strode past me now, calling out in an authoritative voice, “Assume defensive positions! Reinforce Glory in the tunnel!”

I kicked off my high heels and followed Deacon and other Railroad members to a secret escape tunnel I’d never even known existed. Unfortunately it was already being flooded by Brotherhood soldiers, lasers flying down the tunnel in droves, giving it an eerie red glow. We hurled grenades down it, braver- or stupider- souls like myself chose to occasionally lean out and fire at the huddled group of soldiers, hot lasers whizzing by us.

Finally when the brunt of them were dead, Deacon and I stalked into the tunnel, finishing off the remaining soldiers not in power armor. My new weapon fired railroad spikes, giving people a gruesome but immediate death. I tried not to think about it every time I pulled the trigger.

“All clear!” Deacon said once we were sure they were all dead.

Judging by the distant sound of more gunfire, this wasn’t over yet.

“Charmer, Deacon!” Dez yelled, summoning us back to her. She met us halfway, concern and determination causing her eyebrows to knot together. “The catacombs are now our only way out. Glory was guarding the entrance but she may already be overwhelmed by the Brotherhood. You and the others go help her out. Win this fight.”

Her tone was encouraging, but the hint of despair was impossible not to hear. If Glory was the only person defending the catacombs it wasn’t hard to conclude that she may already be dead. Deacon and I ran past Dez, ascending the stairs to the catacombs.

While she’d been speaking, the gunfire had stopped, which was cause for concern. Either Glory had killed all the Brotherhood soldiers, or they’d run out of things to shoot. I hoped for the first scenario.

As we reached the room that had served as my interrogation chamber upon first coming to the Railroad, several dead soldiers came into view. It took both of us a moment to spot Glory propped up against a wall, clutching her stomach, blood dripping down her temples.

“Glory!” Deacon cried, running over and dropping to his knees.

I followed him, guilt and hopelessness gnawing at my frayed nerves.

“Damn,” Glory choked, clenching her teeth and then panting. “Listen… the Railroad’s always sitting on it’s hands- _ah!”_

She cringed, crumpling in on herself a little as she fought through the pain. I kneeled down beside her, putting a hand on her knee and one on her shoulder, as if it might help. Surprisingly, she grabbed my hand on her knee, her dark eyes intense. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened. Promise me you’ll free them… all of them.”

“Hold on, you’ll make it through this,” I said, reaching for my backpack on instinct, realizing immediately that I’d left it in the Institute.

“Bullshit! Please, just promise me…”

My throat was thick, tears gathering in my eyes. I’d never been especially close to Glory, but I’d grown to like her and she’d stopped being wary of me about a month after I’d returned from my little breakdown. And now she was dying because I hadn’t gotten here in time.

“I-I promise. I’ll free all of them. I will.”

She smiled weakly, blinking slower.

“Isn’t there… supposed to be… a light?”

“What-”

Her eyes became vacant, her head dropping slightly.

She was gone.

“Damn it!” Deacon cried, getting to his feet and stumbling back.

I just stared at her, my mouth agape, tears dripping down my cheeks. She’d died because of me. If I’d been even a few minutes faster- hadn’t stopped to talk to Shaun she might still be alive! “Uh- look, we have to keep going, there could be more soldiers coming.”

For a moment, I was unable to move. I’d seen death before, it was unavoidable in this time period. But no one I'd known well had died since Nate. I thought maybe I’d be numb to it, or at least not as sensitive. I was wrong though. This stung more than expected.

I nodded mechanically, wiping my eyes. I got to my feet, ignoring the blood Glory had smeared on my hand and tried to figure out how Shaun couldn’t understand that synths were just as human as himself.

We proceeded through the catacombs, not coming across any other soldiers until we reached the church. It sounded like they’d just gotten in and Deacon didn’t hesitate to throw the only two grenades he had through the doorway from the stairs. He managed to take out a couple of them with those, leaving behind one paladin and three soldiers not in power armor who turned to us, firing immediately.

We ducked behind the stairs, shooting back with limited caution. I think we were already both worn out from Glory, wanting to end this as fast as possible or die trying.

I sent two spikes into the helmet of the paladin, shattering the small visor and they collapsed to the ground, limp. While this happened Deacon managed to get headshots on two of the others. I cranked the large rifle, and aimed at the last soldier, pulling the trigger. The spike buried itself in the center of her chest and she staggered, keeping her gun held up for a few more seconds before she dropped to her knees, falling face first into the rubble.

The sound of the church door flying open reached Deacon and I’s ears as we stepped further into the congregation hall. We crouched, aiming our weapons, preparing for the next wave of enemies.

It was a good thing my reaction time wasn’t perfect and that Deacon didn’t have an itchy trigger finger because it was not a Brotherhood soldier that appeared through the hole in the wall.

It was Mac.

There were several emotions that rolled through me as my eyes locked with his. Embarrassment, bitterness, confusion, and most of all, crippling and overwhelming adoration. God, it had only been a day and it was as if he’d instantly filled a hole in my chest.

If only he felt the same.

“Violet!” he said, running forward, coming to a halt a mere foot away from me. “I wasn't sure if you were back- are you okay?”

“What are you doing here?” I asked, barely feigning civility.

I wished I could have given myself a decent, proper punch in the face. There was no need for me to be a child about this. It was just hard to behave normally when the wound was fresh, still bleeding.

“I saw the vertibirds- I was in Goodneighbor and I was scared everyone here might… well, die.”

Deacon grinned, moving forward to clap Mac on the back, who glared at him unabashedly.

“So you do care about me.”

“Not even a little bit Deacon, but feel free to keep dreaming.”

Deacon kept smiling but I was sure if things weren’t so dire, he might have laughed. There was no time to say anything else to Mac because Dez appeared at the top of the stairs followed by Tinker Tom and Drummer Boy.

“What do we do now?” I asked, avoiding looking at Mac.

The fact that I could still vividly imagine Glory’s brown eyes staring at me wasn’t helping my mood.

“You’ve killed the last of them and you’re still standing,” she said and as she continued, her voice softened. “I wish the same could be said for Glory. No time for that though. The Brotherhood underestimated us badly. Their next attack will be far, far worse. So we do the unexpected. We eliminate the Brotherhood as a threat  _now_ and the key to that is destroying their flying fortress: The Prydwen. Fortunately, we have a contingency plan for that.”

She looked to Tinker Tom, smiling fiercely.

“Tom, we’re activating operation Red Glare.”

Tinker Tom’s eyes widened and his comical goggles almost fell off of his head as he reacted physically to what she said.

“What!? But Red Glare requires a Brotherhood vertibird!”

Dez turned to me.

“Then Charmer will get you one.”

Mac’s eyebrows shot up.

“She will?”

I ignored him.

“You can count on me,” I said with ten times more confidence than I was feeling.

“With what happened to… Glory, we need you more than ever. Thanks for stepping up. The Brotherhood’s occupied the Cambridge police station. Spotters report they almost always have a vertibird parked on it’s roof. _Take it_. And Tom? You’re going with her.”

_“Me!? In the field!?”_

“No one else can fly the damn thing. Once you get it, you and Deacon will dress in Brotherhood uniforms and infiltrate the Prydwen. If you're able to sneak aboard, place explosive charges on all the hydrogen tanks and get the hell out of there so we can blow the blimp to pieces,” Dez said.

Good god, that was intensive. I’d known things were kicking into high gear now, but it was still difficult to wrap my head around.

“We’ll get it done.”

“Perfect. This one’s for Glory. Gather whatever you need and then move out.”

Deciding this was a good time to change into a more practical outfit, I headed back into the catacombs to find some Railroad gear to change into. I was surprised to hear someone following me and glanced over my shoulder to see Mac.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m coming with you,” he said, catching up to walk beside me.

“Well, I’m going to go put on new clothes, so things might get a little awkward.”

“I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use.”

My eyes snapped to his as I shoved open the door to HQ and he snickered at me as I glowered at him. I used my irritation as a distraction from the fact that Glory’s body had been moved.

“Are you trying to be funny?”

He smirked.

“Is it working?”

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help but smile. I guess I could take solace in the fact that despite our brief physical fling and the subsequent tension, in the end we were still friends. Maybe one day I would move on and find someone else. Or I’d become content with being alone.

Down in HQ I found a spare pair of leather pants, a flannel shirt with ripped sleeves and some boots. I walked into the room PAM had previously hung out in and Mac took the hint, waiting around the corner.

“When I said I was coming with you, I actually meant I’m coming with you on the mission,” he called.

“We’re sneaking onto the Prydwen, Mac, you can’t.”

“So I’m just supposed to sit here and what? Hope for the best? Hope you don’t get yourself killed?”

My stomach flipped at his words. I still struggled to get over him no longer hiding the fact that he cared for me.

“You could try taking up knitting. I’ve heard it’s very relaxing _and_ distracting.”

“Are you trying to be funny?” he asked, imitating my voice. Poorly.

“Is it working?”

“No,” he said, quieter now. “I’m… I’m too scared of losing you to really understand humor.”

My chest tightened and I almost fell over as I attempted to wriggle into the pants I’d found. They were tighter than anything I’d worn previously, but that was what happened when you scavenged clothes. A quarter of the time I was wearing clothes drastically too big for me.

And it was as I was zipping up the fly of my uncomfortable new pants that I had an epiphany.

Mac wasn’t wrong in being so scared. There was a decent chance I was going to die tonight. The Brotherhood of Steel was an organized band of trained soldiers. And I was one Railroad agent planning on stealing a vertibird and sneaking around their base of operations.

If I was going to die, I didn’t want to do it without him knowing the truth.

All my memories of being with Mac flashed through my mind in a split second- a supersonic slideshow. I tried to pinpoint the exact moment in which I fell in love with him, but that was impossible. Because it hadn’t been sudden, hadn’t been one specific event.

It had been slow, and warm, and comforting; a cocoon that I’d peeled off the day I’d kissed him.

I wished I could explain this to him in great detail, guide him through the path that lead me to falling in love with him, but there wasn’t the time, nor could the English language fully describe what I felt.

And if he didn’t return my feelings? That was okay. Because I didn’t want to die with this burning hot secret smoking inside of me.

So I fumbled with the buttons of my shirt, stumbling into the room he waited in. His eyes immediately snapped to my pants that clung to my thighs, my hips, and it occurred to me that they didn’t leave much to the imagination.

“I need to tell you something.”

“Charmer, it’s time to go!” Deacon called in the distance and I bit my lip, turning to look at the opening to the room we were in.

“Shit. Shit. Okay. Uh, I was hoping to have at least, you know, a minute or two for this.”

Mac frowned, saying, “For what?”

 _Fuck it._ It was now or never.

“I lied last night,” I said, stepping closer, holding his hand. He raised an eyebrow, unsure of what I meant. “I’d choose you, Mac. I  _do_ choose you... I’d choose you every time.”

With that said I leaned up on my tiptoes, planting my lips on his, cupping his face in my free hand. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see the stunned expression on his handsome face, only to be surprised myself when he kissed me back.

“Charmer!” Deacon yelled, more urgent this time.

I pulled away, releasing his hand, and he stared down at me, eyes wide as saucers.

“Violet, wait-”

“Please, stay safe. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” I headed towards the stairs only to turn, my heart pounding. “Oh, and in case it wasn’t clear, what I meant was: I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I know it wasn't very nice after the note the last chapter ended one but I was having some serious writers block. Also, it's been a while since I've played the main story quests for this game so I have to watch videos to refresh my memory and I wasn't in the mood to do that. For two weeks. Anyway, I know it's midnight (At least where I am) but happy valentines day regardless! Thank you for all the comments and support! I hope the end of the chapter was satisfying for some of you. It was for me. Things are wrapping up and I am beyond excited... but also a little sad. 
> 
> Oh and in regards to what Shaun said before she left... I've had this idea for a while... and I don't know if everyone will hate it or find it too... different and possibly impossible to like... but I'm probably going to go with it... since I wrote him saying the cryptic thing already... cause I guess the only way to get out of it would be to go and delete that sentence later... anyway, we'll see... 
> 
> Anyway, I love you! Thanks for reading!!!!!


	29. Oh my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

As I sat inside a vertibird, clutching the back of my seat and the opening of the vehicle for dear life, my long hair whipping across my face like panicked hands clawing for safety, I tried to decide what made me more nervous- blending in on a floating fortress full of heavily armed and well trained soldiers, or Tinker Tom’s piloting skills. Deacon seemed to be on the same page.

“Dez said you could fly this thing!” he yelled over the whirring of the vertibirds blades and Tom’s uncertain muttering.  
     
“Sure, sure,” Tom said, on edge, “Read the manual cover to cover!”

“The manual!?” Deacon and I yelled at the same time.

Tom either didn’t hear us or ignored us, continuing to struggle to get the damn thing flying in a straight line. Unfortunately, as time wore on he didn’t seem to get better and instead took two steps back, the vertibird beginning to spin.

“We’re spinning!” Deacon’s voice cracked as he yelled. _“Spinning!”_

“Oh man, hold it… together!”

I closed my eyes, ignoring the nausea that accompanied my fear. A few seconds later the feeling of the vertibird whirling out of control stopped and I cracked my eyes open. We were now moving relatively smoothly. Tom sounded more relieved now as he called, “See? Just like falling off a log.”

I glanced over at Deacon who looked equally as petrified as myself, his shades crooked.

“Dear god, we’re dead,” he said flatly, adjusting his shades and hunching forward.

We travelled in silence until the Prydwen came into view and then Deacon went over the plan again. I would board the airship disguised as Brotherhood of Steel soldiers and try to plant the explosives without being noticed by any of the members of the Brotherhood.  Once that was done, I would head back to the vertibird, travel a safe distance away and then BOOM. We’d blow the whole thing out of the sky.

We both pulled on the orange jumpsuits that we’d scavenged while taking out the soldiers in the police station. My stomach twisted into even tighter knots and I exhaled slowly, trying to calm myself. I used thoughts of MacCready to help pull myself together. If I died, I’d never get to hear his response to my declaration of love.

The idea of seeing him again simultaneously anchored me and sent my anxiety levels through the roof.

I pulled on the backpack containing the three bombs I would plant all throughout the Prydwen, and the Vertibird landed on a long dock area.

“Ready, Charmer? Just remember, if we look, walk and if worse comes to worse talk like an asshole with a superiority complex we’ll be fine. You gonna be okay going in on your own?” he asked, unable to conceal his concern completely.

It was always interesting when Deacon’s carefree facade cracked, even if it was only a little.

“I can do this.”

He smiled, grabbing my shoulder and giving me a reassuring smile.

“I know.”

“Don’t take too long in there,” Tinker Tom said, “If anyone comes over here… I don’t know if I can fool them.”

“Yeah, Tom, I want to live, so if anyone approaches this thing, let me do the talking.”

I gave them both as reassuring of a nod as I could manage and hopped out of the vertibird, thankful that I didn’t stumble when my feet met the metal floor of the dock. I straightened my brotherhood uniform, exhaling slowly and molding my features into what I imagined was the stern expression of a soldier.

I’d even bothered to pull my hair back in a tight bun once I’d gotten the jumpsuit on.

As I traversed the Prydwen which was about as warm and inviting as the jaws of a deathclaw, I did my best to seem to know where I was going. Deacon had explained in detail where I would plant the charges, but getting to the main deck of the giant airship proved more difficult than expected.

After a couple of minutes that felt more like a years, I found my way up a ladder that lead to where I needed to be. I hurried up some stairs, praying I appeared purposeful and not suspicious. There was a man standing at the top of the stairs who I’d planned to pass, only to be caught completely off guard when he spoke to me.

“I can’t help but notice you’re empty handed,” he said in a thick English accent. “Please, tell me that Haylen remembered to load my package onto the Claymore.”

I recognized the name of the vertibird- when we’d pulled into the Prydwen someone had said it to Deacon over the radio. Everything he’d said beyond that might as well have been in latin. “Those technical documents may be exactly what we need to repair Liberty Prime. So you understand the urgency.”

Above me on my left I could see the catwalk. There would be three different gas bags all along it and that was where I needed to be to plant the explosives. The thought of already being so close to my objective made me antsy.

I tried not to sound too dismissive as I said, “I’ll bring you the package later, sir.”

His frown deepened.

“As soon as you can. Or you’ll have to answer to Elder Maxson.”

He stepped around me, heading down the stairs I’d just come up. I walked up the next flight of stairs, internally celebrating a successful interaction with a member of the brotherhood.

I managed not to run into anyone else as I ventured onto the catwalk. I found one of the red gas bags quickly, glancing up and down the long expanse of the hall to make sure I wasn’t being watched. On my right was a guard, who was facing away from me and far enough away that I felt comfortable attaching the explosive.

I strode down the hallway, attaching the next bomb even faster than the last. I made my way to the next gas bag, about to reach into my backpack when the guard -who I’d accidentally closed the gap between- turned around.

“Initiate, what are you doing up here?” he barked, face covered by a helmet.

I pretended to believe in god, or Atom, or any other divine being that I didn’t blow my cover now.

“Just getting climatized. The Prydwen is such a marvel-” I gave him a dreamy look. “You know, I used to see it up here in the sky and imagine what it would be like to be inside. I couldn’t resist exploring.”

The guard scoffed.

“Pull yourself together, Initiate. Being a member of the Brotherhood isn’t all fancy floating fortresses. Move along before I report you to Elder Maxson.”

“Can’t I just stay up here another minute,” I said, stepping closer, clasping my hands in front of myself in a way that pushed my breasts together. Not a very dignified tactic, but I was fairly certain it would work. “I won’t tell anyone if you won’t. It’ll be our little secret.”

Miraculously, it worked, the man fumbling for words.

“Uh, f-fine. But just a minute.”

With that, he continued his path away from me, a little faster than before and I mentally thanked whoever had designed the Brotherhood’s jumpsuits. If the situation hadn’t been so tense, I might have laughed at how flustered I’d made him. Instead I retrieved the last explosive, attaching it to the gas bag and immediately fleeing the area.

Winding through the corridors and stairwells of the Prydwen was even more stressful the second time through. I was coated in sweat by the time I made it back to Claymore, my hair sticking to my forehead, my palms slick.

“Move, move, move,” Deacon hissed at Tom as I clambered inside the Vertibird. “She’s here!”

“Right on!” Cried Tom.

The second I was inside I began unzipping the uniform, wanting to rid myself of it as soon as possible. Posing as a member of a group that I was about to exterminate was more morbid than I’d anticipated. I wanted to pretend I’d never stepped foot inside the Prydwen.

Claymore was only just beginning to move away from the dock and Deacon was gripping the back of Tinker Tom’s seat impatiently.

“What’s taking you so long!?”

“There’s a whole lot of mechanisms!”

We pulled away from the airship but Deacon didn’t seem to relax. He backed away from the front of the vertibird, sitting beside me. He raised his eyebrows, incredulous.

“You seriously didn’t trigger a single alarm?”

“I told you I could do it, Dee.”

He smiled, still shocked.

“You really did.” He hunched forward, elbows on his knees. Cold air rushed through the interior of the vehicle as we made a hasty escape. “I can’t believe we’re actually getting away with this.”

“Alright, alright! Just gotta get us… to a safe distance!”Tom said. A minute passed. My stomach turned. “Okay, we’re out of the blast radius-”

His words were cut off by the sound of three consecutive explosions, a blinding light extending across the water below us. My eyes widened as I watched the Prydwen burst into flames, my mouth agape.

Deacon stood, the explosion reflected in his sunglasses.

“Whoa… that’s one hell of a thing. Rest easy, Glory.”

At the mention of her name my throat felt thick. We’d done it. We’d managed to take down one of our greatest enemies, and in doing so, avenge a fallen friend. It was all so surreal, watching the airship break apart and fall toward the earth in flaming, molten heap.

It was almost like I was still in the vault, still frozen.

_Dreaming._

******

Desdemona was examining the map on the round brick platform when we arrived, her hands braced on the edge, expression solemn. She brushed hair hair away from her face as our footsteps reached her ears.

“I thought…” she took a breath, trying to form the words. “I thought by calling Red Glare I’d lose more good people. Comrades.”

She folded her arms, smiling, smaller than I’d ever seen her.

“Thank you for keeping them and yourself safe.”

I wasn’t sure what to say. I’d seen Dez serious on almost every occasion. This was something different. Something much more sincere, more… real. She wasn’t being the no-nonsense leader of an underground organization. She was a woman who was grateful that she hadn’t lost more friends by making a risky decision.

“Thanks for taking care of us, Dez,” I said, returning her smile.

She sighed.

“But we’re not out of the woods yet. If the Brotherhood managed to find us, you can bet your ass the Institute isn’t far behind. We’ve run out of time. Our next step is to attack the Institute.”

I ran my hand through my hair, having pulled it out of the bun when I’d changed.

“You say it that way and suddenly I’m nervous.”

Dez laughed, leaning onto the bricks again.

“You’re one of a kind, you know that, right?    So here’s the plan: Tomorrow go back inside the Institute and secure the Relay. The second you do the Institute will mobilize. So teleport us in quickly. We join forces with Z1-14 and the rebel synths, then together we fight our way to the fusion reactor.”

“I guess it’s now or never,” I said, unable to hide my uneasiness.

Dez and I fleshed out the plan in more detail before I was able to leave. She informed me that Mac had gone back to Goodneighbor. It was a little past midnight now, so he would either be in the Third Rail or the Rexford.

Ham let me know that Mac had left about an hour earlier and I hoped that when I reached his room he wouldn’t be wasted. I wanted to have a coherent conversation with him and that wouldn’t be possible if he was passed out.

I knocked on the door of the room he always seemed to rent when we came here and waited, my heart beat escalating with every passing second. The door opened and standing beyond it was a man with mussed brown hair and startled blue eyes.

The man who had somehow managed to sew me back together. The man I loved.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey.”

There was a pause as he continued to gawk at me as if maybe my head had fallen off. I quirked a brow, ignoring my thundering pulse and flipping stomach.

“Can I come in?”

 _“Oh!”_ he said, blinking violently. “Of course!”

He stepped back, allowing me entrance into the dusty room. I clasped my hands behind my back, glancing at the window, unable to look at him. God, this was going to be just as hard as I’d thought it would be. No wonder I put off confessing my love for so long.

“So we should talk-”

“Yeah, yeah, that’d probably be good.”

I spun around, shoving my sweating palms into the tight pockets of my leather pants, biting my lip.

“Look, Mac, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have sprung that on you literally seconds before running off on an incredibly dangerous mission.”

“Thanks for not dying, by the way.”

“You’re welcome. But I meant what I said. Every word of it.” I began speaking in a flurry of shaking words, the damn broken and water flooding free. “I love you. I do. I’ve been in love with you for a while now, but I chose to ignore it for a very long time- too long. But I don’t want to ignore it anymore. I can’t. And I’m sorry if that makes you mad- I know we have a good thing going and I know confessions of love might… well, complicate things.”

He was silent, expression bewildered.

“And I think if you don’t speak soon my soul might actually leave my body from the overwhelming amount of stress I’m experiencing.”

He nodded, eyes wide, lips pursed.

“That’s fair, you said a lot of things that warrant a reply.” He shook his head, scrunching up his face and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just one second. Uh, I just… before I reply to that, I owe you an explanation.”

All I wanted to do was scream, _“Do you love me or not, Robert Joseph MacCready, I’m going to explode!”_

But I did not do that. Instead I clasped my hands in front of me, speaking very politely and patiently like the good, little housewife I had once been.

“Of course, go ahead.”

“The reason why I left the drive in after me and Piper’s fight was because I was scared.”

I froze, caught completely off guard by the turn in the conversation. I’d done my best to subdue my curiosity and lingering hurt when it came to this topic (drunken argument not included), but it had always been there, an itching scab.

“Scared?” I said, voice barely above a whisper.

MacCready nodded, expression becoming stoney. There was a long pause before he continued in which I thought my heart might actually hammer it's way out of my chest.

"I knew you for three days, and I cared about you. How is that even possible?" he said, looking at me with such ferocity and accusation that my stomach flipped. If it weren't for the fact that I'd done nothing wrong I might have felt guilty. "I have spent every day since Lucy died keeping my guard up, making sure no one slips through the cracks. It was supposed to be Lucy and Duncan. Only the two of them forever. Because then I only risked getting hurt one more time. And then you..."

His sentence drifted into the silence and it was then that I realized how hard my heart was beating in my chest. His expression softened, the walls I'd rarely seen him without crumbling away as if they'd been slowly breaking down this whole time and I just hadn't noticed. He hesitantly moved closer, though it seemed like he wanted to fight the urge to close the gap between us. "And then you came along, and you ruined everything."  
     
I released a breathy laugh, tears in my eyes.

"Oh, that's so sweet," I said, hoping my bravado covered my shaking voice.

"It's the truth! I left because you made me feel-” he cut himself off abruptly, eyes on the floor. “So I left. But I couldn’t stand to be away from you for more than a goddamn week! I never wanted to feel anything for anyone ever again. Maybe contempt, but not... not this."

I flexed my jaw, blinking rapidly in a pathetic attempt not to start crying.

"Not what?"

He didn't reply, only clenched his own jaw, eyes boring into the filthy, stained carpet. I stepped towards him, our chests almost touching, getting my face right in his so he couldn't ignore me. "What didn't you want to feel for me?"

He met my tearful glare, a softness to his stormy eyes that I'd noticed on a few occasions but never questioned. He swallowed, but still said nothing, his eyes flickering down and then locking with mine again. My heart ached and I hung my head, unable to cope with the possibility of his oncoming rejection. Because he couldn’t possibly feel the same way for me as I did for him. "Just say it, okay? Just say whatever it is you need to say, please. Please, stop torturing me. I can't- I can't take it... it feels like my chest is going to burst open and I can't take this anymore. End my pain."

His fingers delicately slid across my jaw on either side and he tilted my head upwards, his face mere inches from mine. I was certain at this point that my heart was going to stop beating entirely.

"I didn't want to fall in love with you."

My lips parted ever so slightly as the weight of his words hit me and I started to say something when he leaned in, pressing his mouth to mine. My eyes remained open and wide for a moment, shock setting in only to be replaced by a deeply ingrained longing I'd done my best to fight for so long.

My fingers coiled around the fabric of his familiar coat and I pressed myself against him as his lips parted against my own. It wasn't slow, wasn't something we eased into. It was as if all our pent up attraction had come to a boil, everywhere our skin touched becoming electric, our lips feverish.

His hands moved from my hair to my hips, his grasp tightening, eliciting a surprised gasp from me. I slid my hands up his chest, enjoying the feeling of his muscles under his clothes, wishing I could feel his skin under my nervous hands. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pinned me to the wall in response, tugging up my shirt so that he could grip the bare flesh of my hips.

He broke the kiss and I whined involuntarily. It was a quiet but embarrassing noise and my cheeks flushed red, earning me a lustful smirk from MacCready. Instead of kissing me again, he brushed my long hair over my shoulders on one side, moving his lips to my neck. My jaw fell open and my eyes shut as I was reminded how good another person could make me feel.

Chills ran down my spine as he kissed all along my neck, reaching my ears, his warm breath rolling across my sensitive skin. I shuddered.

“I love you, Violet," he murmured.

I wanted to reciprocate, declare the love I'd felt for him for so long again, but then he was kissing me. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist, tangling my hands in his hair. He lowered us onto the bed, his arm muscles tensing as he made sure not to drop me.

Unable to stand the clothes keeping us apart, I began unbuttoning his duster, kissing him clumsily as I did so. Taking the hint, he leaned up, undoing the last button and peeling the coat off. He started removing his scarf while I began to unbutton my shirt, only for him to stop me.

“Oh, no, that’s my job.”

I smirked wantonly up at him through my lashes, my chest rising and falling dramatically. While he finished taking off his scarf and shirts, I fiddled with his belt, hoping he wouldn’t notice how out of practice I was.

I’d gotten it undone by the time he was shirtless, and he quickly whipped the belt out of its loops, tossing it to the side. He bent down, kissing me once, twice, before wrenching my shirt open, buttons flying everywhere. I gasped, releasing a surprised giggle that made him raise an eyebrow, lips tugged up in an amused smile. I was about to stammer out an awkward explanation when he lowered his mouth to my collar bone, sucking gently.

 _“Mac…”_ I breathed as his lips travelled across the top of my breasts.

His lips met mine once more and I snaked my arms around his bare back, my fingers digging into his warm skin, my legs locking around his waist. It was hard to get all our clothes off when we were so lost in each other.

Thankfully, he was better at staying on course than I was, and he sat up, peeling my shirt off all the way. My long, red hair pooled around my head as I laid back down and he swallowed, gazing at me as if I were a goddess or maybe a dream.

“You are so beautiful.”

And then he was kissing me again, his hands clenched around my waist, his hips rolling into me. I gasped against his lips, my nails sliding down his back as I tried to cope with the way he was making me feel.

His hands moved to my beltline and he swiftly undid the top button, unzipping my fly. My pulse jumped and I unhooked my legs, allowing him to begin pulling at my skintight leather pants.

“Jesus, I’m not taking off skin, am I?” he said, breathless.

“They were all I could find-”

“I’m glad- they look good on you. I just need them off right… _now.”_

He tugged them down, scooting off the bed and removing the pants entirely, leaving me only in my underwear. MacCready whistled approvingly, leaning forward, sliding his hands from my knees to my hips as he moved back on top of me. I couldn’t help but bite my lip, wanting his hands all over me at once. “I’ve wanted to see you like this for an embarrassingly long time.”   

“How long?” I asked, unable to control the lust in my voice.

“Since the moment I met you.”

I grinned.

“But you hated me.”

He laughed, kissing along my hips, my legs beginning to tremble. Good god, I hadn’t felt this kind of desire in… well, in over two hundred years.

“All that irritation? That was me trying to fight the fact that you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on.”

With that said, I grabbed him by the shoulders, pulling him to the side and rolling on top of him. His eyes widened for a moment, his face a pleasant shade of red as I straddled him, undoing his pants. As I edged off the bed to pull them off, he reached out, grabbing my shoulders. “Violet, wait.”

A cocktail of disappointment, embarrassment and confusion ran through me at his words and I immediately released the waistband of his pants, my blood running cold.

“What’s wrong? Do you want to stop-”

 _“No!”_ he said, a little too abruptly. “Sorry, no, I don’t want to stop. But are you sure you don’t? I don’t want you to do something you might regret.”

I cupped his face in my hands, craning my neck down so that I could directly into his wonderful blue eyes.

“Mac, I don’t know if you remember this, but I’m the one who said I love you first.”

“But your husband-”

“I loved my husband, but… he’s gone,” I said, stare becoming more intense. “I told you, Mac, _I choose you._ I love you.”

I slammed my lips to his, giving him a long, hungry kiss and then pulled back, mouth throbbing. “Now take your goddamn pants off.”

He stood, kicking his boots off and yanking his pants down, leaving him only in his boxers. Immediately we moved back together, falling onto the bed on our sides, lips meshing, hands clawing carnally at one another. He reached around my back, unclipping my bra smoothly. I would have commented, but I was done wasting time talking.

I’d been missing out on being with him for too long, it was time to experience every part of him. There would be time to talk later- unless I died in the Institute.

He rolled on top of me, pulling my bra off and throwing it to the side. My fingers clenched around his biceps as he bent forward his mouth moving to my breast. I whimpered, the ache in between my legs verging on unbearable.

_“Robbie!”_

He froze, pulling back, a haze of desire still in his eyes. “I’m sorry, it just came out-”

“Call me that again.”

“Robbie.”

He released a growl, lips devouring mine, and he ripped my underwear off in one fell swoop. I mumbled an “ow” against his lips and he panted a “sorry” as he slid his boxers off with one hand, wrapping his other arm around my waist. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach flipped as he lined himself up with my entrance.

“Are you sure?”

I grabbed his face, eyes boring into his and teeth clenched.

“Robert Joseph MacCready, stop talking and just do it!”

He laughed, the sound surprisingly nervous and his fingers flexed around my waist. He lifted me slightly, slowly pushing inside of me. My jaw fell open as he seated himself to the hilt, my eyes squeezing shut at the sensation. He drew in a deep breath, as if he was using an immense amount of self control.

I opened my eyes, meeting his concerned stare.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded, pursing my lips, afraid my voice would fail me. He leaned over me, burying his face in my hair and beginning to move slowly. Every drawn out thrust sent a small shockwave through me, my legs curling up, knees pressing into his hips.

“Oh, god,” I gasped, raking my nails down his back. “Mac- Robbie.”

“Jesus Christ, Vi…”

He picked up his pace, one hand sliding under my leg, catching me under the knee to get a better angle, the other gripping my hip. I moaned, biting my lip, not wanting anyone beyond the thin walls of his room to hear us. Of course, this was a sleazy hotel in Goodneighbor, sounds like these were probably expected.

It was strange, finally being so vulnerable with Mac- literally naked, nothing between us anymore. There was nothing to hide now, no option of ignoring my feelings -and also  _his_ feelings it turned out- and falling back on friendship.

I thought it would have been scarier, opening up to someone like this again, baring myself body, mind, and soul. But it hadn’t been. _Yes_ , getting to this point had been a bit of a train wreck, but once I’d decided not to give a flying fuck about being rejected, things had gone surprisingly smoothly.

And so now here we were, trying to keep our voices low as we  _finally_ consummated our relationship, limbs a tangled mess, lips brushing clumsily.

We’d moved into a more upright position, Mac’s arms wound tightly around my waist and upper back as he ground into me, his breath coming out in strained huffs against my collar. My own arms were locked around his neck, my teeth digging into my lower lip as I tried to maintain a reasonable volume.

“Robbie,” I gasped and he responded by tightening his grip, his finger tips pressing so hard into me I was sure I’d find bruises in the morning.

Arms still locked around me, muscles taught like thick, corded rope, MacCready lowered his head onto the pillow so that I was ontop of him. Then he loosened his grasp, hands sliding down my ribs and waist, coming to a stop on my hips. He was panting, lips parted, eyes clouded, chest rising and falling under my hands.

“Is someone worn out already?” I asked, beginning to roll my hips, causing Mac to release a choked gasp.

“Already? And no,” he said, grinding his own hips upwards, trying to compete with my pace. I grinned at his defensive tone.

I bent over, humming appreciatively, fingers curling around his shoulder as he began working faster. My hair fell around my face in heavy waves and I immediately brushed it back, letting it drape down my back. I was close, shockwaves of pleasure radiating through me from head to toe.

His fingers moved from my hips, grazing across my back, sending shivers down my spine. I leaned back again, grinding down onto him harder, doing most of the work now and clamped my teeth onto my bottom lip, stifling a loud moan. As if fueled by the sound, MacCready pulled me against his chest, rolling us over with a growl.

His thrusts sped up, becoming more erratic, his arms braced on either side of my head as he tried not to crush me. The fiery, hot ball that had been forming in my stomach exploded and I bit into Mac’s shoulder in an attempt to muffle my scream.

“Jesus- fuck, Violet,” he muttered, movements clumsy now, arms shaking as he moaned loudly.

He bowed his head into my collar, and I clawed at his back. He continued to rock into me and then eventually slowed. Once his movement ceased all together he released a wavering breath, pulling out of me and rolling onto his back beside me.

For a moment I stared up at the ceiling, mind still reeling, body still buzzing. Shyly, I glanced over at him, lips pursed. Half of me expected him to pat me on the shoulder, climb out of bed, get dressed and leave. But he didn’t. He pulled me into him, planting a tender kiss on my forehead. “I love you.”

I couldn’t help but grin stupidly, his words demolishing my anxiety and instead filling me with a warm, velvety feeling.

“I love you too.” I looked up at him, cheeks hot, grateful for the inadequacy of the light in the room. “So you don’t… _regret-”_

“No, no, definitely not. In fact, I was just wondering how I got to be so lucky.”

“Some of my luck must have rubbed off on you.”

He chuckled.

“Literally.”

I scoffed, pushing out of his grasp so that I could give him an incredulous look.

“Are you making sex jokes already?” I asked, quirking a brow.

He tugged me back into his chest, kissing my cheek.

“Of course not.”

I giggled, rolling my eyes and scrunching up my face as he pecked my nose twice.

“Who would have guessed that the callous mercenary MacCready was so affectionate?”

He frowned at me, brushing my hair away from my face.

“Look, I had to pretend not to like you for a really long time, I have to make up for it.”

_“Had to.”_

He ignored my jab, hands sliding across my back.

“Jesus, you have the softest skin I’ve ever felt. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to keep my hands off of you.”

“That might pose a problem when I have to go destroy the Institute tomorrow,” I said.

His whole body became rigid and he grabbed my biceps, eyes locking with mine.

_“What?”_

I tried to snuggle back into him but he wouldn’t allow it and I sighed, giving him a pointed look.

“Will you calm down? We always knew this was what everything was building towards.”

He rolled onto his back, pushing his hair off of his forehead and stared wide eyed at the ceiling. Then, abruptly, he faced me again, wrapping his arms around me and burying his face in my hair.

“I’m coming with you this time, alright?” he murmured, tense.

At this point could I even stop him? Did I want to? We knew how we felt about each other and whatever this relationship was, it would only be jeopardized if I was constantly trying to run away to protect him. We were a team- a partnership.

My mind froze at the thought of him being there with me as the Railroad stormed the Institute. I thought about the danger, about the laser fire. I thought about watching the last man I’d loved slumped in a cryo tube, thought about the moment his light left the world. I thought about the lonely weeks that followed.

I thought about how I never wanted to feel that way again. "Please..."

And so I dug a hole and laid to rest my instinct to separate myself from the people I cared about. It was only fair to let them try and protect me as well. Even if it was terrifying.

“Alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hi, hello, I don't know if you guys remember me, but I'm the trashcan that writes this fic. Sorry I disappeared for a month there, life became very busy and I am currently planning my wedding HAHA. Hopefully will be returning to regular updates and will be responding to comments again! I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read this and also for being so patient. I love you
> 
> (Also, hahahHahauhajbhah sorry if the sex scene is terrible, it's my first time and I really didn't want to go into TOO much deal because it is spooky new territory.)


	30. If I could just find you tonight

Smooth. The tiny wooden soldier I clutched in my palm was surprisingly smooth, despite being born from the wasteland. I could feel every stroke of a knife, every hiccup where the blade got stuck or the wood didn’t peel off like intended. I ran my thumb over every ridge, every valley, every part of the tiny wooden soldier.

_“Violet,” Mac said, catching my hand as I’d stood up from the bed in his hotel room. “Wait… just a second."_

_He was shirtless, sitting on the edge of the mattress, hair dishevelled. Now, in the morning light I could see the scars that littered his chest. Some I knew the source of, like the three points in his torso where the bullets from a paladin's gun had torn through and out the other side._

_“Is something wrong?” I said._

_I dropped back onto the bed beside him, frowning, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. He was holding something in his hands, something small that I could barely make out as he turned it over and over. “Mac-”_

_“I know I can’t ever repay you for everything you’ve done for me. The list’s too long. But I still have this nagging feeling… like I owe you something. And I always repay my debts.”_

_I wanted to argue, point out just him being with me was more than he could ever know. But before I could he held out whatever he had in his hand towards me. “I want you to have this.”_

_I could see now that it was a small, wooden soldier with a green hat and matching uniform, a gun held at his side. It was about the size of my palm and I took it from him, frowning slightly._

_He spoke again, words a rush._

_“I know a carved toy soldier is a strange reward for risking your life over and over again, but this one’s special… it, uh, it means a lot to me. Lucy gave this to me right after we met. I… I uh, I told her I was a soldier and she made it for me.” Mac glanced at me, nervous, and then clenched his jaw. “Never could bring myself to tell her the truth… that I was just a hired killer. The soldier story was the best thing I could come up with… I didn’t want to lose her because of what I was.”_

_My eyes scanned over the toy as I thought about the things he’d said to me all throughout our time together. How much he hated himself._

_“I know that you regret being apart of the gunners… but you can’t let that regret become your identity,” I said, lifting my eyes to meet his torn apart stare._

_He was silent for a few seconds and then his gaze shifted to the floor. Regardless, his hard expression softened._

_“Lucy was always there with a shoulder to lean on when things got bad. It gave me… well, it gave me the courage I needed to press ahead… to never give up. When she died, I thought that feeling was gone forever… then I met you.” He turned towards me, cupping my face in one of his hands, the other clutching my hands that sat in my lap, cradling the wooden soldier. He leaned in, speaking fervently, like what he was saying was a prayer. “You have the world’s problems on your back and you still took the time to help me with mine… lending me your shoulder like Lucy did. For once in my life, everything’s going right and I have you to thank for it. I don’t think anyone in the world could ask for a greater gift than that.”_

_He moved his other hand to my face, closing the gap between us, capturing my lips with his. I reached out with my empty hand, resting my palm on his chest, the beating of his heart vibrating through my fingertips._

_He pulled back after a moment, eyes flickering between my own, a small smile tugging at his lips._

_“Thank you. I love you.”_

_In spite of everything he’d said and everything that had happened last night, I was still scared. Still sure that this couldn’t really be happening._

_“Are you sure you want to be with me?”_

_For a split second he looked dumbfounded and then he smirked._

_“Violet, I plan on walking this earth with you until the day I die. That give you enough of a clue?”_

_And then he was kissing me all over again._

I released a long breath, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply through my nose. The time had come, there was no point drawing it out any longer.

The relay room formed around me. Beyond me I could see scientists and a few gen 2 synths milling about. My heart was pounding, my vision warping, sweat gathering all over me. I slid the toy soldier into my pocket. I was wearing my last remaining vault suit, one Deacon had scavenged for me thinking he was funny.

It felt right to wear it now, though. I didn’t want to put on anything I’d gotten from the Institute, and it also felt strange to wear something from the Railroad. For some inane reason I was at home in a faded blue jumpsuit, an outfit that should have reminded me of the life that had been snatched away from me.

Maybe it was because it felt like a nice ‘fuck you’ to the universe.

I walked into the room ahead with stiff legs, eyes landing on Z1-14 who was cleaning a wall. I approached him, certain that if any of the scientists had been paying attention to me they would have noticed how uneasy I was.

“Is it time?” he asked glancing at me briefly over his shoulder. “Once we act, we have committed. There will be no going back.”

My voice didn’t even sound like my own as I spoke.

“Everything’s ready. It’s time.”

“Good. We’ll need to clear this room before I can do more.”

I nodded rigidly, turning, and pulling Deliverer from the holster around my hips. Still, no one noticed me, not even the synth guards. I grit my teeth, sweat rolling down my temple and raised my gun, aiming at the nearest guards head.

Closing an eye to keep myself locked on my target, I let out a shaking breath and the pulled the trigger. The bang of the gun shocked everyone in the room, screaming over the sound of the second one. The synth buckled, head completely destroyed, crumpling to the ground.

I turned to the other guard only for the piece of combat armor I wore on my shoulder to be blown to pieces by the remaining synths laser fire. I gasped, firing rapidly, breaking the hand it used to hold it’s laser rifle, hitting it in the ribs, shoulder and then finally head.

It collapsed, dead, leaving me with the three frightened scientists.

I knew what I was meant to do next. Clear the room. Kill everyone, including the unarmed scientists. They watched me with wide eyes, unmoving, probably sure if they ran I’d gun them down.

Like I was supposed to.

As if on autoplay, I saw the evolution of my comfortableness with killing.

I saw the first man I’d killed, a raider in Concord. I saw the bullet hit him right in the neck by some miracle, saw him drop his nail riddled bat and cover the wound with both his hands. I saw blood spewing over his fingers, raining onto my feet. I remembered bile racing up my throat the moment I was safe.

From then on every kill stung a little bit less, didn’t stay with me for as long.

Now here I was, preparing to put down three -relatively- innocent people. How could I justify this? How could I ever sleep soundly again after watching blood splatter across their lab coats, watching the light leave their wide eyes?

The short answer was I couldn’t.

And so I made a split second decision, aiming my gun at where they’d huddled towards the opposite wall.

“Stay where you are and no one has to get hurt,” I said, feeling like a character from a movie.

“What are you doing?” Z1 said, coming to stand beside me, alarmed.

“Get me some rope or twine, or goddamn handcuffs. Whatever you can find."

“This is a waste of time-”

“So is arguing with me!” I snapped, head whipping to the side so that I could glare daggers at him. _“Go!”_

Hesitating for another moment, he sighed, jogging towards the exit of the room. It would be a few minutes before he returned- IF he returned. I may have just sabotaged the whole operation.

Ignoring the negative voice jabbering at the back of my mind, I threw my head back in a gesture to the area behind me.

“Get into the corner,” I ordered, gun still trained on them.

They exchanged horrified looks, uncertain of whether to risk moving. _“Now!”_

One of the woman shrieked, tears dripping from her eyes and the three of them scrambled past me. I followed them with my gun, a stone mask on my face. I personally had never put someone in a hostage situation, but I knew letting my threatening façade slip wouldn’t be helpful.

We remained like this for a good ten minutes before Z1 appeared again, his face shining with nervous perspiration, a rope in his shaking hands.

“I hope they’re worth risking every synth in this buildings life,” he muttered, shoving the rope at me.

I pretended not to hear him and strode towards where the scientists stood.

“Alright, get as close to each other as you can.” I peered over my shoulder at Z1. “Grab one of the guards laser rifles. If any of you try anything, my friend and I won’t hesitate to put you down. You should be extremely grateful that I decided not to blow your fucking brains out.”

The polite prewar housewife Violet Kenner would never speak to someone like this. But Violet Flynn, the woman who clawed her way through the wasteland, leaving bodies everywhere she went? She would and it could end up saving lives.

After another few minutes they were sitting on the floor, backs pressed together, each facing a different way and tied tightly together by the rope Z1 had brought me. I’d made them empty their pockets just to make sure no one had a pocket knife or something else that could be used to sever the rope.

When it came time to evacuate the building I would have someone come untie them.

Once they were taken care of, Z1 approached the control console, fiddling with the buttons and switches, typing at the keyboard

“Please give me a few moments,” he said, eyes skittering in lines around the terminal screen. “I already have the coordinates. I simply need to update the Relay… and your companions will arrive in a moment.”

Inside the terminal blue electricity began to spark, Dez, Deacon, Mac and a couple Railroad agents I vaguely recognized from HQ appearing. They came pouring forward, more people appearing in flashes of light behind them. An army.

“You did it,” Dez said, coming to a halt in front of me. “There’s no turning back now; if they're not already onto us, they will be within seconds.”

“What’s next?” I asked, avoiding looking at Mac, knowing even making eye contact him would be incredibly distracting.

_Violet, I plan on walking this earth with you until the day I die. That give you enough of a clue?_

Tinker Tom handed me a large contraption with enough wires and red lights that I immediately could identify it as some kind of explosive.

Dez continued, “It’s a Fusion Pulse Charge. Tinker Tom’s rigged it to take out the reactor and anything else within a few hundred yards of it. We get you down there, you plant it, and we run like hell. When we get to a safe distance we detonate it remotely. Then the whole Institute goes up like a candle. And the synths stay free. Forever. This is the moment where we make history.”

Dez and Tom moved forward and she began speaking specifically to him. Mac walked up to me, eyeing me as if he expected me to be injured.

“I’m okay, Mac,” I said.

“Is that why you sound like you’re going to pass out?”

I sighed.

“Well, I’m physically okay. Let’s just get going.”

That was when Piper and Nick stepped out of the circular room, coming to stand beside Mac. I’d almost entirely forgotten that I’d asked Deacon to go tell them the situation.

“Hey, kid.”

“Thanks for inviting us to the party,” Piper said, smirking.

It had been less than a week since I’d seen them and yet despite the facts it felt more like months. I hugged both of them quickly, leaving them mildly bewildered and then set a determined look on my face.

“You guys ready? I’m gonna need all of you if I expect to get this thing to the reactor.”

“Of course,” Nick said.

“Blue admitting she needs us? Damn, I wish I’d brought my notepad.”

“Piper, we all know you have your notepad,” I said, grinning.

Dez and a few other Railroad members joined us and we all headed towards the exit of the room. We hurried down the stairs, but instead of stepping into the elevator, I veered to my left, heading into the old robotics room.

The stairwell we entered was dank and dirty, the metal doors below us rusted, every surface covered in a thick layer of dust.

“Is this really it?” Dez said as we approached the door at the bottom of the stairs. “I somehow thought the technology here would be more… impressive.”

“Trust me, it is-”

As we rounded a corner, the sound of laser rifles whirring to life reached my ears and a blue laser hit the wall beside my head. Two turrets were across the large room from us and we all took cover, backing into the hall we’d come from.

“You must die now, human,” said a synth from somewhere below us.

Nick stood, accessing a terminal on the wall, probably hoping to deactivate the turrets.

Mac and one of the agents -who I was fairly certain had the codename Whisper- leaned out, one firing down the staircase at where the synths voice had come from while the other chipped away at a turret.

Through a broken window beside the terminal I could see the two turrets and watched as one exploded, sparks showering from the remaining husk.

“Got it,” Nick muttered and the undamaged turret ceased firing.

We pushed into the room, stumbling upon more synth patrollers who we quickly took care of. It seemed like an eternity of winding through narrow, pipe filled halls, and collapsed ceilings before we finally made it to the door. We’d gotten here relatively unscathed, the only injuries any of us had sustained were from the dilapidated terrain and thankfully not from the lasers.  

We passed through the door to the Bioscience wing, being instantly greeted by the signature stark, fluorescent lights of the Institute.

“Only dispose of the guards. There’s no need to kill unarmed scientists,” Dez said as we crept down the hall that connected to a room full of terminals.

Surprisingly, the scientists were shocked to see us come flooding into the main room. Without hesitation Railroad agents began dispatching the synth guards who had become hostile the second we’d come into view.

Clayton Holdren’s terrified eyes scanned the crowd, locking with mine and widening.

He was standing beside the gorilla enclosure, a small console to his right with one big red button and a few smaller ones. I knew exactly what the red one did and I knew what the forming scowl on his face would lead to.

I ran towards him, crossing the small space quickly, ignoring the fighting around me.

“Clayton, don’t-”

He balled up his fist, slamming it on the red button. The glass of the gorilla enclosure slid up, allowing the apes to exit their cage. Startled by the violence or maybe designed to turn hostile the moment they knew freedom, they threw themselves out of their habitat, one of them heading straight for me.

I aimed Deliverer as quickly as I could, backing up, stumbling almost immediately.

I pulled the trigger, bullets hitting it’s shoulders, chest, and jaw. It released a defeated howl, collapsing onto it’s face and sliding forward. It came to a stop a mere foot away from me, blood oozing across the once sterile floor.

I was about to look up at Clayton when a searing pain surged through the side of my ribs. The familiar sensation of being hit with a laser -even if it was only a graze- sent me into a panic and I aimed my gun in the direction the shot had come from.

Clayton had moved towards the exit and picked up the gun of a dead synth. Judging by the look of dissatisfaction on his face, he was ready to finish me off now.

My mind flashed to the night Mac had saved me from Venus. I remembered her desperation as she’d tried to kill me regardless of the fact that she was endangering herself by doing so. Clayton had the same look of insane bloodlust in his eyes.

“Clayton, wait!” I called, hoping if I could convince him to put the gun down I could save him.

But I couldn’t.

Suddenly blood burst out of Clayton’s chest, ribs, and abdomen, blossoming like red flowers on his lab coat. He stumbled, looking down at where he’d been hit, bracing himself against the wall by the door. His eyes met mine, confused, betrayed, and he slid to the floor.

Acting on instinct, I bolted over to him, kneeling in front of him. He was making a choked noise, blood splattering over his lips.

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry,” I said, voice quivering, shaking hands outstretched as if to help him.

His hand shot out, covered in his own blood, and locked tightly around my wrist.

“D-don’t,” he managed to spit, revealing more blood on his grinding teeth. “We… trusted you…”

He coughed and then cried out in pain, tightening his grip on my wrist to a painful degree.

“You weren’t supposed to get hurt,” I said, pleaded, more to myself than to him.

He glowered at me, making more depressingly strained sounds as if he were fighting death with every ounce of strength he had left.

“Murderer.”

He sputtered, more blood coming from his mouth, and then slumped into the wall, head hanging. I froze, eyes wide. It was as if my brain shut down entirely and it wasn’t until someone was shaking my shoulder that I was sucked back into reality.

“Violet,” Mac said, concern coating his words.

I blinked, eyes snapping to Clayton’s hand that was still holding onto my wrist and reflexively I threw it off, gasping. Mac knelt beside me, turning me to face him, brushing my hair out of my eyes. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.”

I shook my head, my hands numb.

“He didn’t have to die, he was just scared-”

“He was going to kill you, Vi- Ah, damn.”

He reached towards my ribs and I was reminded of the blistering pain in my side. I looked down, noticing the blood soaked scorch mark in my vault suit. It didn’t hurt nearly as bad as the wound I’d gotten in my chest had and I mentally thanked

Shaun for never forcing the scientists to learn how to use a weapon. If Clayton’s aim had been better he would have hit me right around where my heart was.

“I’m fine, it’s not that bad.” I glanced at Clayton’s corpse and then got to my feet. “Let’s get this over with.”

Mac stood, squeezing my hand. All the synths in the room were dead and the scientists were huddled in a corner. The laser rifles had been collected so none of them could try what Clayton had and end up getting themselves killed as well.

“Alright, time to join the others,” Desdemona said.

I lead them through the hall and into the main hub of the Institute.

I was surprised to see how much damage had already been done in this area. There were scattered synth bodies, some gen 2, less gen 3. A couple dead Railroad agents could be seen from where we stood as well and I tried not to dwell on whether or not they were someone I knew. Besides the casualties, the glass of the central elevator was shattered, branches had been shot off of trees, leaving leaves and other forms of debris scattered across the floor.

Everyone fanned out, taking out the remaining Insitute security in the immediate area. Abruptly, Tinker Tom’s voice came on over the intercom system.

“Charmer, if you can hear me, I’ve got the floor plan. Advanced Systems Lab… that’s where the reactor is and where you you’ve gotta go. But the doors are locked, and I can’t override from here. That command has to come for the Director's personal terminal. You understand? You’ve gotta do that part yourself.”

My stomach dropped and I hung my head.

“That means your son’s terminal, right?” Mac said, somber.

I sighed.

“Yep.”

A hand wrapped around my shoulder, yanking me back a fraction and I raised my gun, ready to deal with whoever it was. To my surprise it was Whisper, her eyes intense, a shade of grey like a storm before the war.

“O’Malley,” Mac warned, glaring at her.

Mac knew Whisper?

She ignored him.

“Where do they make the synths?” she asked, gripping my shoulder a little tighter.

“Oh, uh, just follow red line.”

I was about to question her, ask why she would possibly need to go there at a time like this, but she released me, turning and storming away. I’d heard Whisper was one of the Railroad’s most successful retrieval experts, maybe she was, well, retrieving something. But if they needed something from the Institute, wouldn’t they have asked me? They’d done it before. Deacon had had me smuggle out some parts for him not so long ago, refusing to explain what they were for.

“Violet?” Mac said, gaze anxious.

“Sorry, I was distracted… stalling, honestly. Nick? Piper?” I called.

I frowned, looking around. Piper came jogging away from a firefight, a cut on her face, sweat making her dark hair stick to her brow. “You okay? Where’s Nick?”

She came to stand with Mac and I, a little out of breath, saying, “I’m fine, just got grazed. And he saw O’Malley and ran after her.”

My eyebrows knitted together and my lips parted a fraction.

“Does everyone know Whisper but me?” I shook my head, waving a hand dismissively at Piper’s puzzled expression. “Nevermind. Look, I’ve gotta… I’ve gotta go talk to Shaun. Can you keep helping people down here for now and I’ll meet back up with you when it time to plant the bomb?”

Her expression softened and I assumed she understood the weight of what I was about to do.

“Of course, Blue. I’ll do whatever you need.”

God, I didn’t deserve her or Nick. I smiled weakly at her and then turned. Mac followed me as I ran down a ramp, heading for the spiral that lead to the upper floors. My heart was pounding in my chest, my hands, my head. It was as if my whole body was beating like a drum, every inch of me a thundering pulse.

We arrived at his door and I came to a screeching halt, physically and mentally.

Would I still be able to go through with this once I saw him? Part of me hoped he wasn’t in there at all, that for some reason he’d decided to hang out in the cafeteria or something. But deep down I knew that wasn’t the case. I knew he was in there.

I knew this would probably the last time I would see him, see those eyes. Nate’s eyes.

Mac’s calloused fingers laced with my own. I looked up at him, unshed tears clouding my vision.

“It’s okay,” he said, gentle, as if at any moment I might shatter.

There was a long pause as I tried to function.

“He must hate me now. And I don’t blame him. What am I meant to say to him?”

He squeezed my hand, anchoring me.

“Just tell him you love him.”

I nodded, jaw clenched, wiping a stray tear away with the heel of my hand. “Do you want me to come in there with you?”

I shook my head.

“No. I need to face him by myself.”

“Okay.”

I released his hand striding into the room with as much false determination as I could muster. I spotted him instantly, lying in his bed, propped up. Pale. Angry. Upon hearing my entrance his eyes grated across the room, meeting mine.

Nate’s eyes.

“I didn’t expect to see you again,” he ground out. “You had me fooled. I really believed you were on our side.”

I approached his bed, holstering my gun, wishing I’d done it sooner. I didn’t want him to see me like this. Not that it mattered at this point. Whatever image he’d had of me was already completely tarnished now.

“I’m so sorry it’s come to this, Shaun-”

“You’re sorry? You can’t be that sorry, if you’re here going through with it.” He swallowed, fists balled around his blanket and I opened my mouth to respond only for him to continue. “It’s not enough that I lay here, dying… Now you plan on what? Destroying everything? Tell me, then. Under what righteous pretense have you justified this atrocity?”

I took in a strained breath, preparing for a speech that I knew wouldn’t do anything to lessen his hatred of me.

“Shaun… you created the synths and when you did, you gave them sentience. You gave them the freedom of mind to think, and hope, and dream. They have aspirations, they have fears, they have opinions. And knowing that, I couldn’t just sit idly by and allow you to keep making them only to force them into slavery. It isn’t fair- it isn’t right.”

He scoffed, glowering at me, knuckles white.

“And destroying the Institute, the Commonwealth’s best chance at returning to what it once was, that’s right?”

“The Institute had amazing potential, you’re right, but at what cost!?” I snapped, hands shaking. “People were being kidnapped- You were kidnapped! Your father was murdered and so were countless others at the hands of Kellogg! You asked me to destroy the Railroad, to kill so many people! I understand that to achieve great things that sacrifices must be made, but the Institute has made far too many sacrifices. I would love for the Wasteland to take on some semblance of the world I came from, but not through cold, unfeeling and undeniable corruption.”

Shaun’s eyes had narrowed during my lecture and now he sighed, folding his hands in his lap.

“What a sanctimonious response from an admitted liar,” he said, returning to the analytical scientist I’d seen on every occasion when things became too personal. I’d expected him to be too mad at me to retain this kind of composure.

Tears sprang up in my eyes again and I reached out, taking his hand.

“Shaun, look at yourself! I’m your mother, you must feel something! You must be furious with me!”

He slid his hand out of my grasp but all the previous venom from before had disappeared. For some reason that made this so much worse. He’d closed me out. My betrayal didn’t mean anything to him because I didn’t mean anything to him.

Or at least he was trying to make it seem that way. Whichever it was, it hurt all the same, tore me open as if the wounds I’d received upon waking up had never healed.

“I am merely embarrassed I put my trust in you. Well, none of it matters now, I suppose. You’ll accomplish your task, and ruin humanity’s best hope for the future. The only question left, then, is why you’re standing here. Is it regret, or did you just come to lecture me? If it’s the latter, then you must feel very satisfied.”

I bit my lip, ignoring the few tears that managed to slip free.

“I need to use your terminal. If you help me, fewer people will die.”

He sneered.

“Why would I ever consider helping you?”

“Help me and I promise I’ll protect any survivors to the best of my ability. Despite what you think, I don’t want the people of the Institute to die.”

Pride, anger, and defeat all mingled in his features as his stare flickered forward, breaking eye contact with me. Then he sighed.

“Enter access code 9003. That will disable some of the synths.”

I nodded, hurrying over to the terminal, my top teeth digging into my lip again. After entering the code, a menu popped up, reading:

_Engage Evacuation Protocol BD-2_

_Master Security Lockdown Override_

_Director Access: Synth Shutdown_

I went down the list, activating all of them, an automated message playing over the intercom telling people to evacuate. I stepped away from the terminal, not really experiencing my victory. All that was left was to plant the bomb and get the hell out of here.

I glanced over my shoulder at Shaun, who was pretending I didn’t exist. He was stuck in his bed, that was clear, too sick to stand. Could I get him out of the building? Would he even let me try?

I strode back over to him.

“Shaun, this place is going to be blown up when the Railroad and I leave, I need to get you out of here.”

His newly enraged gaze hit me, his face contorted in indignation.

“Do you really believe I’d go anywhere with you? That I’d allow you to take me out of the place I poured my whole life into? You can’t honestly be that naive.”

“Shaun-”

“Wouldn’t it be convenient for you if you didn’t have to be the one responsible for ending my life. You wouldn’t have to feel culpable if I succumbed to my illness up on the surface. Well, I won’t let you get away with this so easily. When I die, which will be very soon, it will be because you pulled the trigger.”

“I want you to come with me because you’re my son!” I cried, unable to control myself. “I want you to come because I love you! Because you’re all I have left! Of course I don’t want to be the one to kill you, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out! I’m your mother, I never wanted to hurt you!”

I collapsed to my knees, gripping the side of the bed and sobbing into the mattress.

“Regardless of whether you die here or you die in the Wastes I’m going to feel guilty! I’ve barely been able to sleep since I first came here! I never wanted to betray you. But you didn’t give me a choice! I love you, Shaun! I love you so much!”

I took a minute to regain my limited composure, slowly turning my head up to look at him with tear stained eyes.

“I wish Kellogg had killed me too.”

Now that I was looking at him, I could see that his jaw was clenched, that his hard stare might have concealed pain and not anger.

Unexpectedly, he extended his hand, wrapping his fingers around my own. Perhaps, in spite of all this, he loved me too. Even if he’d only known me for a few months, even if I had been his downfall. My mind flashed to the morning after I’d first arrived when we’d sat in the cafeteria.

_It’s wonderful to have finally met you, mother._

The silence that passed between us seemed like an eternity. When he let go, it stung.

“Please… just go.”

I stood, my legs made of jelly and leaned forward, pressing my lips to his forehead. More tears leaked free.

“I’m so sorry. I love you.”

With that, I turned, rushing out of the room, body turning on autopilot.

The rest of the mission was a blur. Somehow I ended up in the room with the reactor. Somehow I planted the bomb. Somehow I made it to the relay room with the rest of the Railroad.

It wasn’t until a little boy with red hair appeared, frightened, and out of breath, that the world came back into focus.

“Please, mom! Don’t leave me here! I want to go with you!”

“Shaun?” I blurted, stepping out of the round room.

He stared up at me with Nate’s brown eyes.

“You aren’t going to leave me behind, are you?”

My mouth hung open and I blinked spastically, unsure of how to respond to what was happening. I had been in the midst of dealing with the loss of my son and now he was standing before me, younger and calling me mom.

But it wasn’t really him. He was a synth. A replacement.

I didn’t care though. Hell, I’d joined the Railroad, as if I gave a shit about how he’d come to be.

“Of course not, I’d never leave you.”

“Then let’s hurry up and get out of here.”

Desdemona was standing beside the desk, Tinker Tom still fiddling with the console.

“Tom, will you take him back to HQ where he’ll be safe. I don’t want him to see… you know.”

The two of them exchanged a look and Dez nodded.

“Go, we’ll take care of him.”

I kneeled down, kissing Shaun on the head just like I’d done to his original self. He threw his arms around my neck, burying his face in my hair. This couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be.

“Please, take me with you,” he pleaded, young voice incredibly tender.

“Tom’s gonna take good care of you until I come back, okay? I promise, I won’t be long.”

He pulled away, nodding sadly. I backed into the room again, waving, and then blue electricity enveloped me and the rest of the people inside. The sky appeared above us, a sprawling city scape below. We were above the CIT ruins.

Dez appeared beside me and Immediately I opened my mouth to ask her about little Shaun.

“He’s going to be fine. Tom’s taking him to HQ. It’s time.”

Sitting on a metal cargo box in front of me was a red trigger with lights and switches. I swallowed, the pit that had formed in my stomach the moment I’d arrived in the Institute deepening, becoming a hollow void.

I looked behind me at the people all staring at me, somber. I looked at Deacon, Piper, Nick, and finally Mac. I tried to drill it into my head that they were all I needed now. That blood wasn’t what made you family, love was. And I loved all of them.

Reluctantly, I faced the button again, raising my hand above it, holding my breath.

And then I pressed it.

At first, nothing happened. Relief mixed with frustration as the world around us stayed dim, the sunset streaking across the sky like outstretched, golden arms.

Then it seemed like all the sound was sucked from the earth, a blinding white light surging up from where the Institute was buried underground. The light encompassed us, leaving me blind, and the ground shook from the force of the blast. I shielded my eyes like I had the day I’d emerged from the vault.

A moment later the light faded, leaving behind a massive, billowing, red tinted plume of smoke, an angry fire at it’s core. My eyes were wide and it wasn’t until I felt the tears drip from my jaw that I realized I was crying, my mouth agape.

“Oh, my god,” I breathed, awestruck.

Before I could get a hold of myself, a scream tore up my throat and I covered my mouth with both hands, backing away from the ledge. “Oh, god, Shaun!”

I crumpled to my knees, wailing into my hands, nausea coursing through me.

I killed my son.

I just killed my son.

I'd gone through hell, murdered people, almost died, put people’s lives on the line, all in hopes of finding him.

And now I just killed him.

“Vi, Vi,” Mac said, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his chest. “Vi, you’re okay. I’ve got you, you’re okay.”

I clawed at his coat, desperate for something, anything that would take me away from this hell.

“He’s dead, Mac, he’s dead! He’s dead because I killed him!”

He didn’t say anything, just gripped me tighter and let me cry. I don’t know how long we sat up there, but by the time I brought my face away from his coat, the sky had turned cobalt and there was no one else on the rooftop.

It was just me and him and the smoking body of the Institute.

My victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out [ScorpioDarkMoon](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ScorpioDarkMoon)  
> She's writing the story [Synth](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10457094/chapters/23081178) and it takes place during my story but from the point of view of her OC Vel. It's super good and I love it and it's amazing and Violet is mentioned every now and then and also there's lots of Nick in it, which is always good. It helps fill in some of the gaps in what Nick has been up to when Violet's been ignoring him. 
> 
> Anyway, I want to say thank you to you guys for sticking around and taking this journey with me! Next chapter will be a sort of epilogue, but don't worry, this isn't the end of Vi's story. Thanks for commenting, subbing, bookmarking, and kudoing! I love you! Hope this chapter was okay, I know it's a lot of crying. (Tune in next week to find out if Violet will ever stop crying)


	31. Oh my love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of an Epilogue to this story. So sorry if it's dull.

A month passed.

At first things were bad. I would be functional for two or three days at a time, then spiral into a deep depression. The only things that kept me going were Mac and Shaun. I couldn’t be a total hermit and emotional shut in when I now had a son to take care of.

Finally, after all these months, after literally _two hundred years_ , I was getting to be a mother.

Sunlight filtered through the patched window of my home in Sanctuary and I wished it would go away, allow me a few more hours of sleep. I hadn’t slept deeply in so long I’d started to believe that sleep could only be restless and brief.

This was one of the few side effects of destroying the Institute.

Mac rolled over, groaning and draping an arm across my stomach.

“Good morning,” he said, yawning. “Ready to face the day?”

I snuggled into his side, head on his chest, smiling.

“Not yet.”

We stayed like that for about half an hour, spending long minutes lying in silence and filling the rest with mindless chatter. It was a nice distraction from my dream. Yesterday we’d gone to Diamond City to deliver some food we’d grown here in Sanctuary- something we did to earn caps since neither of us felt like gallivanting about the Wasteland these days.

It was strange though, part of me missed spending nights in abandoned shacks, dodging bullets, having to be constantly on my toes. To think after going twenty-four years living a normal and  _peaceful_ life I might end up relishing the danger.

But I couldn’t deny that it was nice to relax, even if my body -and haunted psyche- struggled with the concept.

The real reward for staying in Sanctuary most days, other than fewer injuries, was getting to have so much time with Shaun. He was brilliant, just like his elderly counterpart, scavenging parts to build gadgets and toys, helping to repair a power generator, and modifying a laser rifle he found in one of Sturgess’ junk trunks.

There was only one thing about Little Shaun that threw me off.

He’d informed me that he was twelve, but he seemed older than he had been when I’d first met him all those months ago. Not dramatically older, just slightly. As if he were actually aging. I knew that couldn’t be true though, synths didn’t age, not even gen 3s.

“Now are you ready to face the day?” Mac asked, kissing my nose.

“I suppose.”

I sat up, interlocking my fingers behind my head and stretching. Once I decided I was a fraction more limber than before, I climbed off of our bed on the floor, pulling on a pair of jeans and a stained white shirt. As if he sensed that I was up and about now, Shaun called, “Mom!”

I strode out of Mac and I’s room -previously just my room, and even more previous to that, Nate and I’s room- frowning.

“Shaun? Where are you?”

“In the car port!” he called, his voice trailing from where the side door used to be. Mac followed me outside, and the sight that lay before me immediately drew a bubbling laugh up my throat.

Sitting next to Shaun was Dogmeat, his tail wagging contentedly, his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, and on his head were a pair of welding goggles. “Deacon found them for me!”

I imagined Shaun requesting this of one of the Railroad’s higher ups and that only made me laugh harder. Of course Deacon would have accepted this kind of ‘job’. Anything to get an animal in a pair of sunglasses like he wore.

“Honey, as spectacular as this is, he’s a dog. Has he tried to get them off already?”

Shaun shook his head a little violently.

“Nope! I would take them off he didn’t like them, but he doesn’t care.” He gestured dramatically to the happy canine beside him. “Look at him! Just look at him!”

I glanced at MacCready who was grinning as well.

“Alright. As long as they’re not bugging him.”

“They suit him, right?” Shaun said, beaming up at us and quirking a brow.

“They really do. Now, I’m gonna go make some coffee. Have you had breakfast?” I asked, stopping in the doorway. He nodded. “Alright-”

“Hey, mom?”

I turned back to him.

“Yeah, baby?”

He stood, coming to stand right in front of me, raising his hand and uncurling his pointer finger.

“First, not a baby, second, you know my birthdays coming up, right?”

Oh, he had no idea how hyper aware I was of his rapidly approaching birthday. Every August 5th for the rest of my life I was going to have to be reminded by the fact that the little boy in front of me wasn’t the same as the baby I’d had a month before being frozen. In two years how was I going to explain why he wasn’t aging like the rest of the kids around him?

Or did he already know of his origins? A few days after we’d blown up the Institute there had been an incident with Vel -AKA Whisper- and Nick, where Shaun might have heard someone refer to him as a synth. He hadn’t spoken of it though, so I couldn’t be sure if caught that or not.

My thoughts were drawn to the holotape collecting dust in the same drawer as my wedding ring. Little Shaun had given it to me once I’d taken him back to Sanctuary, telling me it was from Father.

I hadn’t had it in me to listen to it though.

What if he’d recorded it before he’d discovered my betrayal? I couldn’t take listening to him sing my praises, couldn’t bear to think about the knife I’d buried in his back. But did that tape answer all my questions about Little Shaun? When I’d left to go warn the Railroad about the Brotherhood of Steel Shaun had told me he had something confidential to tell me; Could that be on the tape?

Shaun’s shoulders slumped, his expression becoming incredulous, “Oh, my god, you actually forgot my birthday, didn’t you?”

My eyes bulged.

“No, no-”

“Trust me, kiddo, she talks to me about it everyday,” Mac said, putting a hand on Shaun’s shoulder.

“I just got a little distracted there, I’m sorry,” I said, pulling him into a hug.

He wasn’t much shorter than me, I only had about an inch on him. Nate was extremely tall and I wouldn’t have been surprised if Shaun took after him in that department -not that he was going to get any taller than he was now. “Of course I know your birthday’s coming up. August 5th. I got it in here.”

I tapped my pipboy for emphasis.

“Do you know what I want?”

I bit my lip, brows furrowing together.

“A pony?”

Shaun gave me a grim look.

“I don’t think pony’s exist anymore, mom.”

“Damn,” I muttered with fake disappointment. “How about a radscorpion?”

He ignored my joke, replying matter-of-factly, “I want your pipboy.”

My eyebrows shot up.

“What? Why?”

“I just want to tinker with it,” he said in a rush, “I know it’s yours and it’s special and it came from vault 111 and it’s not that I want to keep it, I just wanna crack it open and look inside- Not  _literally_ crack it open, I mean, I just want to see how it works!”

“Huh, uh, okay… that’s what you really want for your birthday?”

He nodded as enthusiastically as ever.

“Yes. Oh- And some Fancy Lad Snack Cakes.”

I eyed him, fighting a smile and inching into the house.

“Alright. You are a very strange boy.”

He rolled his eyes, a lopsided grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Yeah, yeah, the apple doesn’t fall far from the strange tree, does it?”

I laughed, walking all the way inside.

“You got me!”

Mac was standing in the kitchen leaning against the furthest counter, sipping at a bottle of Nuka Cola. Since moving into Sanctuary with me, he’d dressed casually on days we didn’t have to make deliveries to Diamond City. In fact, we matched, both of us wearing old white t-shirts and ripped jeans.

I didn’t know where his stupid, green hat had disappeared to, but I hadn’t seen it a long time now. I wondered if he could tell how much I despised it. Or maybe I’d verbalized that complaint at some point, I couldn’t be sure.

“Soda for breakfast? Tsk, tsk.”

“So are you gonna listen to the tape?” he asked, taking a swig.

I froze on my tip toes, having been reaching into the newly repaired kitchen cupboards that hung on the wall behind his head.

“What?”

“That’s what you were thinking about out there, wasn’t it?”

I removed a mug, placing it on the island.

“Uh oh. I wasn’t vocalizing all my fears, was I?”

He smirked.

“No. I just know you.”

I smiled, prepping the coffee that I knew wouldn’t fill the void prewar coffee had left in my heart. “So…?”

I sighed.

“I don’t know… maybe? I still don’t know if I’m ready-”

He walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and nuzzling into my neck.

“Vi, you toss and turn at night, you stare off into space way more than you used to. You still have breakdowns. Maybe listening to this tape will give you closure,” he murmured into my ear, his breath creating goosebumps on my skin.

I bit my lip, hugging his arms.

“Alright. Fine. Will you keep Shaun busy?”

“Of course.”

Once the coffee was ready I poured myself a cup and headed robotically to my bedroom. I sat at my desk, putting the mug down and opening the drawer. The contents other than the holotape hadn’t changed in months. There was Nate and I’s wedding photo, our golden rings.

Exhaling slowly, I reached inside, wrapping my fingers around the tape. My stomach churned, my heart pounded and my vision undulated like I was underwater. Putting myself on autopilot, I opened the back slot of my pipboy, sliding the tape inside.

There was a brief second before it played, a static noise that made my stomach flip. And then Shaun’s familiar voice was carried from the pipboys speakers.

_If you are hearing this, then whatever conflicts you and I have endured are over. I have no reason to believe you'll honor the request I'm about to make, but I feel compelled to try anyway. This synth, this... boy. He deserves more. He has been re-programmed to believe he is your son. It is my hope that you will take him with you. I would ask only that you give him a chance. A chance to be a part of whatever future awaits the Commonwealth. But there’s something you must know._

_Right now, you are planting a bomb that will destroy the Institute -destroy me- so I will make this brief. Shaun is not like other synths. He was a personal project of mine, something I spent years developing purely to challenge myself and it wasn’t until two years ago that I finally figured out how to achieve what had never been done before._

From there he spouted some scientific jargon that I couldn’t keep up with and I wondered if the only reason he’d bothered explaining all of this was just to make me feel stupid. Finally, he said something I understood.

_Through these means, I was able to make something we’d thought might never be possible. A synth that ages._

My jaw dropped and my hands slipped off of the desk as I absorbed what the Shaun on the tape had just said. While I tried to pull myself, the holotape continued.

_The Institute has no use for a synth that can grow- we don’t need them to die of old age, we don’t need them to go through puberty. You wouldn’t want a tool that starts off delicate and unuseable and then after a period of usefulness, reverts back to how it started, would you? But Shaun… well, he is me. And I hope now that you’ll take care of him as if he’s yours._

There was a long pause and if it weren’t for the muted static, I might have thought that the recording had finished.

_I want you to know… that despite the error you have made… I love you, mother. Goodbye._

The tape cut off.

“Holy shit,” MacCready said, voice muffled by the shut door.

I was unable to respond. It was as if I was experiencing a complete sensory overload. I just sat there, mouth agape, eyes wide, staring at the stained wall across from me.

Shaun was aging. The reason why he seemed older than before was because he  _was_ older. In August he wouldn’t have another twelfth birthday. He’d be turning thirteen. I was about to have a teenager on my hands.

Most importantly, he wasn’t going to have to watch me grow old and die while he stayed young forever.

It was as if a hundred pound weight was lifted from my shoulders and I stood, slamming my legs into my desk and cursing loudly. Next, I tripped over trying to weave my way between the chair and my desk, catching myself with the door handle.

“Mac!” I cried, throwing myself into the hall.

He caught me, steadying me.

“I know, I heard!”

“He’s not going to be a sad little twelve year old for the rest of his life! He’s not gonna be a forever kid!”

“I know!”

“He won’t have to watch his parents die and still be a kid-” Mac’s eyebrows shot up, his lips parting a fraction. “What?”

“His parents.”

“Yeah, you and I- oh.” Heat rushed to my cheeks and panic rose within me like the tide. I fumbled for words, stuttering, “I mean, I know it’s- it’s early, but I just thought- but we haven’t talked about it really- oh, god.”

I hung my head.

“I want to, Vi… I mean, if you want me to.”

I craned my neck up, gazing at him nervously, chunks of hair covering one of my eyes to lessen my self consciousness. I was a grownass woman who had declared my love to this man, it was time to stop behaving like a high schooler. Mac smiled, tucking my hair behind my ear. “I meant it when I said I want to stay with you… forever. The day you told me that you loved me was the greatest day of my life. And I’m willing to take on any of the added responsibilities that staying with you comes with.”

I bit my lip, smiling, my whole body warm as if the world were a cold winter but he was a was a bright fire.

“Thank you.”

My mind snapped to a conversation we’d had a few weeks ago.

_“Daisy told me Duncan’s made a full recovery,” Mac said as we began the journey home from Goodneighbor. He’d left a stash of caps in a storage locker in the Third Rail and had wanted to finally collect them._

_“Mac, that’s great! Are you… do you want to… you know… get him?”_

_His eyes had widened and he’d glanced between me and the road ahead a couple of times, caught off guard by my inquiry._

_“Oh, uh, I mean, I do- of course I do, but things are… I want to wait until things have fully settled before bringing him back here. I don’t want Duncan around if something like what happened with Nick happens again, ya know? I need to know things are stable. ”_

My stare hardened, determination filling my veins.

“Mac, let’s go get Duncan,” I said firmly.

His mouth fell open and his eyes widened.

“What?”

“It’s stable-  _we're_ stable. What happened with Nick was a total rarity. And this is the Commonwealth, things are always going to be dangerous, there’s no point leaving Duncan in the Capital Wasteland. Mac, I want- I want to be apart of a family again. With you. And Shaun and Duncan. And I know you want to be with your son.”

“I do, I  _really_ do… it’s just… I…”

“What?” I asked, frowning. He looked away, clenching his jaw. “What is it?”

“What if I’m a bad dad…” he said so quietly that I wasn’t sure if I’d heard him correctly. “What if he’s better off without me?”

Frustration and sadness swept through me, so strong, so impossible to ignore that they seized control of my body, forcing my to reach out, grip his biceps and lean up on my tiptoes.

“Robert Joseph MacCready, that’s not possible. And if it were true, then I wouldn’t let you near my son, let alone be in love with you. You are a good man… and I know you’re a good father.”

His eyes were locked with mine, an endless, blue storm that seemed to encompass me. He cupped my face, bringing his lips to mine and we both closed our eyes. Even after being with him in this way for a month now, I still got butterflies when he kissed me, still got goosebumps wherever he touched.

He broke the kiss, his forehead resting against mine.

“Alright,” he said, eyes opening. “Let’s go get him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, there we go! Buuuuuuut, in two weeks to a month I'm going to start posting the next installment [When the Day met the Night](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10613463/chapters/23470680)
> 
> Anyway, thank you so so much to everyone who read this story! Thank you even more if you took the time to comment or bookmark it or give it kudos. It really meant a lot. I have a lot of stories planned for the future, so if you're interested in seeing what happens next in Violet's life then keep a look out! I don't really know how to end this... it feels really weird haha! Anyway, I hope this last chapter was okay and you don't hate the Shaun twist... thing... Love you guys!
> 
>  
> 
> [Synth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10457094)


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